Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Well, one bad day isn't so bad

Today is a bad day. It started at 4:30pm yesterday. Fatigue, nausea, etc. Plus, I got a head cold. I suspect it was from Mason. It has reeked havoc on me. I woke up okay, but it went downhill fast. Maybe it was that I missed Nolan's first tooth while he has been at my parents, or maybe it was that I did too much research yesterday trying to answer the question of why did this happened to me and where is the awareness that this can happen to people under 50. How did I miss this? What did I do wrong? And then, I get a package on my porch from a stamping consultant friend of mine. It was an order on items that were going to be discontinued I was going to place, but never did because of the cancer frenzy. She remembered. She enclosed the most beautiful card that reminded me that I have a lot to be thankful for. And then there was Mint Julep Body Wash from my neighbor that I got on my porch after the Mint Julep post, the card I got from a family friend that told me to keep up my stamina and that she thinks of me often, the funny emails, or the post from friends I haven't seen in a while but love so much, "the Brown Ribbon campaign", my phone conversation with Mason about the remote control cars he plays with Grandpa, and finally my im conversation with my college buddy that made me laugh and sob at the same time. In the end, I know that I am so lucky. Today will melt away under the "Cancer Sucks" category. My friends won't, my children won't, my family won't. One thing is for darn sure - no more research and no more questions today. There is some good news - I get unhooked from my cancer stick today so I can have my kids back tomorrow - that makes me happy.


Anonymous said...

Cancer does not define you. Your spirit, your integrity, your wisdom, your humor, your love and compassion, etc. etc. define you.

The people who love and care about you are a testament to who you are and what importance your life brings to us all.

Please remember this the next time your brain kicks into high gear and you feel the urge to go to the computer for answers. The answers are within you...right now and always.

It is what you do in this moment that defines you. Close your eyes and feel the warm embrace of those that love you. This love defines you and gives your life meaning and purpose...right now and always.

Unknown said...

Remember Angie we have "gods" for doctors and it is their job to worry and chart our course. Our job is try really hard to live in Pixie Dust world and try to take in all the love we all feel for you. These down moments happen and like I told you mine were usually cleaning my horse stalls. Just sob and get it over with and then end with all our love guiding you back to calm. Love Elaine

Bob said...

Angie - I know Sherry Thomson from work at Weyerhaeuser and she wondered if we might have something in common. I was diagnosed with rectal cancer with some really bad liver metastases a year ago and have been getting treatments up at Swedish Hospital since then. Who is your oncologist? I see Phil Gold every week now - I was originally on a two week schedule when I started, and was on the FOLFOX6 protocol - 5FU, Leucovorin, Oxaliplatin and Avastin. We've modified the protocol since then and I'm FOLFIRI plus the Avastin and Erbitux. I read a few of your posts but haven't gotten that far down yet. I did notice that you were having what appeared to be the side effects from the Oxaliplatin - cold sensitivity. You will get used to it and learn to bring gloves with you to the supermarket so you can get stuff from the freezer section. I would be willing to communicate with you more about what I've learned in the past year and the job of managing your side effects. I've been on all the first line drugs, and am now on all the first and second line drugs and come to Swedish every week now.
You can email me at I also keep a blog for the purposes of keeping my family and friends up to date on my progress. My blog is at
-Bob Maimone

Anonymous said...

Wow! It is really cool that Bob Maimone emailed you and doesn't know you!

I imagine that your search for "why did this happen to me?" doesn't just mean in a physical sense but also a moral sense. In that vein, I must tell you that I occasionally ask myself "why hasn't cancer happened to me?" If there were such a thing as Karma (and I think it's just so much hooey) I would have checked out of this life a long time ago or be living the life of Job. None of us, no, not one, is good enough to deserve a pain-free, trial-free life. Stuff happens. It happens to rich, poor, kind, mean, good and bad people.

Personally, I believe in the "old earth" theory. Life started perfect in the garden and as time goes on it gets more corrupt and more sick. Not only people but the animals and plants. The good news is that God is in control. He didn't just create the earth and leave it to survive on its own. One day He will stand up and blow the trumpet and life as we know it on planet earth will be done. A new earth will be created. The question is: who is qualified to dwell in that new creation? Do you want to be one of them?