Thursday, December 24, 2009

Merry Christmas!!!

For the past two Christmas', I either didn't want to eat or couldn't eat most of what was offered. This Christmas I had to buy what a girlfriend nicely refers to as "transitional" jeans. Yeah, I am eating EVERYTHING. I haven't been to a mall (outside of Santa pictures) during Christmas for three years. And, I was able to walk to both ends....twice - in the same trip. I was able to comparison shop in person and not be limited to the Internet. I got to see my children participate in their Holiday Sing. This is the first time I have been there for that. They now sing those songs in the back of the truck to and from school. I got to experience the total hysteria a two year old and a five year old can spin themselves into over Santa and Christmas. I got to see Mason set up the nativity scene with Baby Jesus, Ms. Claus (Mary) and all her farm animals. Then, he started break dancing with the Kings. I might have a little bit of work to do on that score.....y'think???? I got to hear my youngest son speak to Santa AND have Santa understand him. So, while I sometimes find myself foundering a bit in my new place in the world (between patient and survivor), I am enjoying my Christmas present this year and quite frankly having the best Christmas of my life (although the year I got my Teddy Bear is a very close second!). Also, for those of you that have been I did not do Christmas Cards this year. Maybe it was because I didn't have them done by April (I hand stamp them), but I just didn't have it in me this year. I will however write a "Christmas Letter" for is the voice of my boys.......
Merry Christmas to me, no ME, NO ME, NO MEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Mason: It is Christmas and SANTA is coming. I am a Christmas baby - Mommy said so. I have been really good, but Mommy was a little disappointed in us. Something about the Nativity scene. I don't know why - that dude can really move his booty!! Then, Mommy was making us read lots of books about farming and a baby being born in some straw. I told her it was sad and I didn't want to read it anymore. She asked how it was sad and I said, "Cause no one wanted him and he had to sleep in a barn, not a hospital!" That made her laugh and she put the books away, but now whenever Nolan sees straw, like when we went to see the Reindeer last weekend, he is looking for a baby. Did I tell you how good I have been? Well, I think we have, but the elf that is watching our behavior to tell Santa brought us a "Responsibility Chart". I think that it is a message from Santa that we are not really doing that well. Mommy said Santa will probably still come because we are trying really hard. I don't know what she is taking about, I have manners! Like when I asked why we weren't staying with Grandma and Grandpa during Christmas so that I could play with Grandpa's Christmas train and she said, "Because I am not sick anymore." I thought about saying, "So, when are you going to be sick?" I actually started to say it, but then I stopped (Mommy was looking at me really weird) and I didn't say it. I just said (in what my Mom would describe as a sheepish way), "When can I go to Grandpa's?" After she said, "Way to pull that one out Mason", she told me that we would spend Christmas Eve there and that we are spending the night on New Year's Eve. YEAH!!!!! See!!!!! I got them manners (proper English is another thing)!!!! Nolan can't talk this year....well, he can talk, but he doesn't make any sense even to me. Mommy and Daddy say he is ramped up. I think he is a pain in the butt. Mommy said that he isn't a pain in the butt and she knows what that is. All Daddy wants for Christmas is for Nolan to go to Grandma and Grandpa's for the entire month of December. I think he is going to ask Santa for that, but I don't think you can do that. Santa doesn't listen to parents - you have to go to Santa photos for that. Nolan: What?!?!?! There is a letter!?!?!?! SANTA SANTA JUMP JUMP JUMP JUMP JUMP JUMP SANTA SANTA SANTA JUMP JUMP JUMP..........
Merry Christmas everyone!!! Love, Angie, Grant, Mason, and NOLAN!!!!!!

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Coming out of the fog....

Tuesday was exhausting and Wednesday was like I was coming out of a fog. I was happy, relieved, clear headed, and then realized, "OMG! It is CHRISTMAS! I better get on the ball!!!" My Mom was a yo-yo helping me out all week. I wasn't organized. I was distracted. I was then panicked. Seriously, cheers to her for being such a trooper - I would have written me off - seriously. In all my I was doing all those Christmas mind kept going .........."Why did those four (five if you count the previous shooting earlier this fall) police officers have to die?"........."Why did _______ (cancer patient) die? He wasn't much worse of than me, was he?"........."Why didn't chemo work on Bob like it did me?" Welcome to SURVIVOR GUILT. When you finally realize that the entire world doesn't revolve around you and why on the war with cancer, life, etc, you are left standing and your friend, your acquaintance, or even just a stranger, is not anymore. I think I finally get what my friend who wanted to switch places with me was feeling. And, I am embarrassed to say that I haven't really felt this yet which tells me I am either hyper focused on survival, or shallow. I am hoping for the first. Don't worry - I am enjoying the season, but it has a little bit of a bittersweet taste to it. As I am dancing to, "Santa got a Semi" and "See Santa to the Mambo" with my boys and my aunt in the living room, I am reframing every moment, every thought, every smell, and every memory.......maybe for me, but definitely for if they could feel it through me. It definitely puts a different spin on Christmas. Cheers, Ang

Monday, December 7, 2009

"You're Clean."

With a phone call and a "You're clean.", I got what I wanted for Christmas - actually for the last three Christmas'. Today has been up, down, horrible, weird, wonderful, and ultimately exhausting. One phone call and two words later, it all fell away and was perfect. (I will tell you about the weird part later!!!!) Thank you for your thoughts and prayers - off to bed - Ang

Friday, December 4, 2009

Scan is on Monday.

but Mason's birthday is on Saturday!!!! TOMORROW!!!! I have had a bit of a busy week because I have cleaned the house, decorated for Christmas, and Mason's birthday etc etc etc. It has been good for me. The bad part is when I wake up in the middle of the night and my mind goes to the scan. My anxiety has gotten the best of me a couple of times, but then I get emails with pictures like this. So how can I be sad when there is so much to laugh about!!!! Thank you Patrick!!!! Happy weekend!!! Love, Ang