Wednesday, October 26, 2016

Last weekend....

I apologize.  I made several people concerned and I get it.  But you have to understand.  My blog is my place to put all my crap.  Honestly, I can blog and then go out to dinner and have a great time.  I do not hold on to my feelings.  I leave it here.  I have to, my emotions are strong and hard.  I need to put them somewhere.  So, this is what happen AFTER I posted...

Last week went okay until Thursday.  I was getting my scrap booking stuff together.  I had not been on my scrap booking weekend for over 18 months.  I was finishing a lot of albums, but I also had so many crafts to do that I brought them too.  Thursday night....I am preparing dinner.   I am cutting up cabbage for my Mom's sausage, cabbage, potato, carrot, onion and celery steam and I cut off a huge part of my thumb.  Like HUGE.  Remember, I am on blood thinners and I have been really good about taking them......hence LOTS OF BLOOD.  I had the boys go over to my neighbors and get Trina.  Trina is a sister to me.  Tells me what I want to hear and what I don't and vice versa.  We love each other to death. I initially am like, "Can't I just cut it off and call it good?"  Trina was like, "Yeah, I don't think so.  That is a lot of real estate on your thumb."  "But I have scrap booking this weekend!"  "Okay, but do you want to bleed all over the books????"  "I can't go into your new car with a bloody thumb."  "Don't bleed in it."  Really, arguing is pointless.  The boys called Grant and he is like, "Do I need to come home?"  "No, Grant I am just calling to say, I cut my finger and all is good." 22 years of marriage.  WTF.  Yes, come home.  The boys stay home, and Trina takes me to urgent care.  Grant comes home and gets all the boys to all their sports.  I am in urgent care for 5+ hours.  They do come out initially and wrap me up because they know me.....I only go to places I am known.  They give us snacks at 6pm, not to say that Trina didn't have snacks, water, entertainment, etc.  She really is the one you want in an emergency.  And so we start.....the doc is like, "Well, we can do it this way, but there are complications to that and that way, which is better, but I can't get near your nail...."  I am like, "Okay, doc, here is the deal.....bilateral lung surgery, and trans anal tumor removal.......cut on my thumb low on the pole.....what is best....and just bring it!!!!!"  She looked me straight in the eye and say, "Okay, we will do it this way...."  By the time we got home, dinner was completed, Trina and I had laughed until our sides hurt, and I was ready for scrap booking.  Friday morning came, I went to Fred Meyer for gas and food and off to scrap booking......I got there.  Exhale.  I know the room, I have my roommate minus one, but okay, and I am feeling good until I pull my food out of my bag and my whiskey that I bought for the weekend still had the frickin' lock on it.  I hate self check out!!!!!!  Fred Meyer keeps bringing me to that aisle and I keep saying I hate it and they keep helping me and then this?  Stitches in my thumb and then I can't even get a drink to dull the pain?!?!?!?!  Another scrapbooker went to town and got it fixed for me - bless Karen.  And my weekend was perfect.  I finished up all my scrap booking, I starting on my projects, one of which was for Beth and I.  I had purchased two gratitude calendars for us, but we were never able to put them together.  This scrap booking weekend was BEFORE November, so I did if for both of us.  What I did not realize is that I needed a stamp set to go with it, so the days before I cut myself I was going to all sorts of stores trying to find enough gratitude items to finish them because there was no time to order.  I did, but it was shaky.   I put mine together first.....wow, that was a good idea.  Beth's looks a lot better.....  See, Beth lost her Mom on Thanksgiving.  Beth was taking care of her.  I was the HR Director at the time and she was stressed about keeping her job.  I held a firm stance saying the right thing to do is take care of your Mom.  She knew it and I just protected her.  I told people, time will pass and she will be back.  It was the right thing.  I was hard core on a lot of things, but in the care of babies and family, I was pretty soft.  Everyone loved me for my hard lines, but looked the other way for my soft ones.  I just get it.  Family first.  I knew it from the day I was born and I could have never taken that away from anyone.  Severance on the other hand....yeah, I don't pay people to not work.  NEVER....SERIOUSLY, and everyone knew it.  Anyway, I have always sent her a card or called her on Thanksgiving.  I am sure it is a nuance, but I need to do it and she humors me with it.  I delivered my gift and had a short visit with her which I was so happy for.  She asked me if I made coffee for Joni my roommate....I said, "I do that for all my roommates.  You know that.  That is my thing."  She frowned and we went on......  I got a piece of myself back that weekend.  My boys LOVE their albums, my friend loves her gift, and I bonded, shared, talked politics and loved my weekend with amazing women.  I am better, my finger is better, and the whiskey is gone.

Love, Ang

P.S. Monday I had conferences for both boy and they were amazing.  Nolan's teacher spoken to him like such and adult about his writing and he is taking is seriously and he agreed.  Seriously?!?!?!  He agreed.  OMG.  Ms. Take is a Saint or God, haven't decided!!!!!  Mason's teacher has made him a teacher's aide to help with kids that are below standard and his leadership.  He was the most requested teachers aide.  I may know something about that, but wow, so proud.  Then my neighbor sends me an email about what a great job I am doing with the boys and I am like, "Wow.....if they only knew...."

Last story.....Nolan wanted to get Izze soda in the little frig.  So, he asked me if he could take out a Martinelli's Apple Cider to fit some in.  I was like, "Fine, whatever."  So, he did and then he put the Maretinelli's in the freezer.  Yep.  The freezer.  So, I go out today to get what I need for dinner and ice foam and green glass shards greet me.  Seeing what I saw, I called the boys and explained to them how this happens and now we need to clean it up.  We do.  It includes freezer work, carpet cleaning, sweeping, etc.  Nolan, as the end says, "Well that is not how I wanted to spend my morning!"  I roll my eyes.  They go off to school.  I get home 25 mins after they do.  They have a plan with a friend, I say, be home at 3.  They are not, I am hunting them down, I do, we get to all the appointments we need to.  We get home.  Nolan asked if he can play/watch all the things I do not let him and he continues.  He is almost late for his doc appt playing the game he does not like.  He asked for candy from the pharmacy after the appt and I say, you have to share with Mason.  He does reluctantly, then he is late to soccer playing the game he does not like.  FYI - There is an enormous amount of commentary on all of this....from him.  I drop him off and he says, "So, you are staying because my hip hurts, right?"  I literally snicker and say, "Nolan, the day started like this........after your appt, I even bought you candy and this happened.......and you want me to do you this favor?!??!!   ........well sorry, you can suck it."  No parent award for me.  I am okay with being who I am.  And I got an apology when he got home.  Exhale....I hope I am doing a okay job....only time will tell, but if being a horrible mom makes him a caring man, so be it.  Best, Ang

Tuesday, October 18, 2016

Bouncing back is not so easy....

I have been sleeping a lot.  I forgot how much cyberknife exhausts you.  I go to bed with the kids and I wake up when they come into our bed to cuddle.  Yes, at least Nolan, still needs a certain amount of cuddle time before the day starts.  So much has happened in our bed....not conception - they were both invitro, so it is quite pure!  When I was really sick, family meetings, games, talks, homework checks, discipline, etc, all happened in my bedroom.  The neighborhood kids are cautious to enter, but sometime they have to also.....but that is not what I am here to say.....

So yesterday I was all, "I am going to do all these errands, I have a scrap booking weekend coming up and need some stuff, we are almost out of soap from Bath and Body Works and I need to go to the library.....So, I start at Fred Meyer and when I get out of the truck someone smiles at me.  I smile back.  I can't see their face.  Fork, I am getting a migraine.  I should go home.  I do not.  I walk up and down the aisles of Fred Meyer collecting things on my list.  Closing one eye and then the other.  I am talking my way through it.....it is just the anxiety....no worries......things are tough right now......just wait for it to pass......I get through the list, checkout, and when I get to the truck, I can see perfectly.  On I go....then, I lose feeling in my left hand.....fork, I am really having a migraine.  I should go home.  So, I head home, but the feeling goes away.  I turn around and keep going.  I make six stops......I get everything I need.  I only end up with a slight headache.  I got home, made dinner which was a new recipe and it FAILED.  I was full on self hating.  I am weak.  I am sub par.  I am not capable.  Poor Grant.  Not the best wife to come home to.

Today, I fed my self hating, but finally had to move.  I have crap to do and I decided that I was going to ride my bike to do it.  I go to Red box and to the school.  I still hate myself, but the ride felt good.  I still feel bad with every breath I take, but it will pass.  The medical bills keep coming and this has been a thin year....getting thinner.  We have had so much happen...kitchen flooding, some ridiculous idea we needed a trailer (which I love), and life with ER visits for all of us but Grant and he is PT which is bloody expensive, and everything else.  I look to the end of the year and I think....we are going to live paycheck to paycheck.....sigh....I have done it before, but I worked so hard to not have that happen, but I cannot do without my prescriptions...which run $700 a month on average, or maybe I can.  NOW BEFORE YOU ALL SEND MONEY....we will be fine.....I will figure it out......I have to move through that I am a burden on my family.....I have to pick myself up (again) and see the silver lining....I have to put my trust in God that there is a message in all of this......(BTW, I did my bible study early this week...which alighned with my situation oddly....there is a sign...).....Only I can do this, no one can help me.  This is between me, my brain, and God.

So, why did I continue in Fred Meyer yesterday?  That is simple.....an amazing friend of mine was rediagnosed with breast cancer.  Susie, who I met in radiation, found it again, herself, and for the first time she experienced a panic attack.  She called me and asked me about it......I replied with, "Yep, you had one....I am so sorry.  They suck."  She asked me what to do and I told her there is medicine, but really it is PTSD....sweetie, you are owed that.....  Everyone will drive her to chemo, everyone will feed her family....but this...this is hard...and that is why I did it.  To show her that is just your mind, not reality.  You dig in... you go anyway... you decide what it real and what is not.  So, my effort to help my friend ended up in self hatred of myself because I was weak.  Double edged sword or just picking myself up again to fight.......and win.  I will be okay...it is a mental game.  Not losing now....seriously.

Love, Ang