Friday, January 28, 2011

Good news

My MRI came back clean - no cancer in my brain and probably no seizure, just a darn bad reaction to the drugs. My oncologist gave me the week off, and we will meet next week to discuss treatment. He and I talked a fair amount in the hospital when Grant was there and I think/hope that we will get to a plan that will get me successfully past the blood clots to surgery and back into remission. I so appreciate all the emails, prayers, thoughts, and energy sent my way - it makes a difference. One person that I would like to call out is Elaine. She has been my driver now for almost four years to chemo. She knows my protocol and when I "went over" she was there too. It must have been pretty scary, but she handled it with incredible strength. She stayed with me through the transfer to the hospital even while I slept. Wow, I probably would have dropped me like a hot potato and headed for the hills, but not her - it is not in her make up. Thank you Elaine for taking care of me, my parents, all of us. Sometime I will tell the tale of what happened in those few minutes, but it is still just a bit too fresh Heck, I made one of the chemo nurse's CRY! Feeling pretty grateful, Ang

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Chemotherapy did not go so well and

They stopped it. They are not sure if I just fainted from an allergic reaction or if I had a seizure. I am spending the night at the hospital for a brain scan and observation. I know I could use less drama. So very tired of this. Grateful that my boys are with my mom and dad, that Grant is coming tonight with a movie so we can act normal, and that I can order anything I want off the menu - the Chocolate cake was good. Karissa said something good is coming my way.....from her lips to God's ears! Loves, Ang

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Sick Again/Parenting Skills

After recovering from my trip to the ER and catching up on my life, I got a head cold - REALLY?!?!?!?! So, I am laying low this weekend, but I feel like I am beating it without it turning to a sinus infection, lung infection, etc. Yeah me! This week has been a good one - Nolan and I started planning and sending invitations to his birthday party, ordering his cake, etc. He is really excited and I am so excited for him. To think I didn't know if I would make it to his first birthday, and now, it is his forth! WOW! I also got to go to lunch this week with a couple girlfriends. How completely NORMAL. I liked it. No, actually, I LOVED IT. Then the cold hit and I gave into it, honoring that I have little to no immune system. One thing that was interesting this week was Nolan told me that I was pretty when I was mad and ugly when I was not mad. Interesting. I am thinking - Wow, there is a picture into your future, I don't particularly want to know about, but OKAY. I have been struggling with the boys a bit. They have gotten into the habit of when they get into a conflict, one of them just starts crying. No use of words, no working it out, nothing. By Friday I was DONE with this. Dr. Phil says, "Find your children's currency and then disciple with that." Okay, well, my children's currency is currency. So, I said, "New rule. You two are crying all the time and I can't tell when something is real or not. I am also finding that you are crying for no reason other than to have me fix the issue between you. So, the next time you frivolously cry, you owe me a dollar. This should encourage you to use your words and work it out or Mommy will get her toes painted with your money."Well, I earned $2 on Saturday and $1 today and the crying has stopped. SUCCESS. However, the really sad part about this is that I was hoping it would be a real money maker. Oh well, at least it is peaceful!!!! Sincerely, the chick with cancer and I think very questionable parenting skills!!!!!! :)

Friday, January 14, 2011

My life the horror flick

Early Thursday morning - like 3:43am, I woke up, went to the bathroom, washed my hands, and looked in the mirror. There was dried blood all over my shirt. I looked down my shirt and I was bleeding - everywhere. I felt nothing, but knew that my pump was compromised and that bleeding isn't so good when you are on blood thinners. So, I walked into the bedroom, noticed blood on the sheets, and told Grant that we had a problem. Grant took one look at me and and his eyes turned to saucers. Panicked, he started to process what was going on. We called my oncologist and he said to go to the ER and get the pump off. So, I just put on a vest and went. When I showed up, I unzipped the vest and the woman behind the bullet proof glass said something like, "Yeah, we can see you now." Three hours later I was discharged. I had to go back at 9:00, but forgot my shot at home so, went home to go back to get my iron, fluids, and another shot for my white blood cell count. This week has been full of test after test, plus chemo. My arms look like a drug addict. I am feeling a bit better today, but my port access is really sore probably because I pulled a needle out of my body in the middle of the night telling as that is. But here is the best part, Thursday night Greek food sounded good, so Grant picked some up and got home. Here is the bad part. They forgot the tzatziki. You ever had Greek food without tzatziki? Well, it stinks. Okay, the entire day, I rolled with it, I didn't cry, I didn't panic, I didn't freak out, but when there was no tzatziki, I LOST IT. I started crying, and yelling that I was so sick of people prodding me, taking samples, redoing test, being in a hospital, etc. etc. etc. It was pretty brutal. And there is Grant. Exhausted too. He has lived this nightmare with me. Been up all night, y'know the drill. He just got up without a word, kissed me on the top of the head, left, and returned 30 mins later with warm pita bread and tzatziki. I love that man. Next week, I am going to try out for the next Scream movie - I am a shoe in. Loves, Ang

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

It is times like this

I am very thankful for all that is done for me. For all the meals, from strawberry and pineapple skewer for my kids to mini pizzas that the boys like to do, to casseroles that last for a week, to brownies that don't last so long, to the cleaning crews that come to my house, to the Designed Dinners in my freezer (that I did not put there), to my parents' constant help with the boys. Because sometimes, just sometimes, I feel like quitting, just letting it go, stopping, getting my life back for however long that will be. But then, I stop and think of all the people that do all the things for me and what they would say - "But, you can't." "We are so close." "Please - go - for me." "Come Ang, buck up, you can do this." and I cry, wipe my tears, and go. I off to chemo this afternoon, sick to my stomach already, but know that twenty years from now, I won't remember it. Heck, if they give me enough meds, I won't remember most it on Saturday! THANK YOU. Loves, me

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Scan results were good, BUT

and this is a big BUT. While my cancer is continually going away, it is not gone and I will have to continue chemo. In addition, I have blood clots in both of my lungs. So, I got a phone call this morning with a "we need to see you and start medication TODAY". Surgery is postponed until the blood clots are gone. So, I am on two shots a day until I can transition to a pill, but that will not be for a long, long time. This does not make my chances any harder of beating this, but it is another challenge that I get to face, oh, and my car wouldn't start this morning, but the furnace comes tomorrow and with the help of AAA they figured out that I had water in my gas line and got it started. Thankful for little miracles. What a week - love, Ang

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

My status

Wow, so much as happened since my last post it is almost mind blowing, but I will attempt to update you. Most people want to know how I am, but let me update you first of how other things are that have taken a fair amount of my attention. First, my insurance companies are now paying! HAPPY FLIPPIN' NEW YEAR TO ME! No more letters that say, you owe us $296, $71, and $272,000 dollars! Yeah, I am a little expensive right now. I like to say my ass is worth a TON of money! Then, our furnace went out. GREAT. Real life sometimes is inconvenient, but luckily, I kinda knew this may happen because chemo makes you clairvoyant and had already scheduled the quotes, so the new furnace comes Thursday and with all the donated space heaters (thanks to the Girls and my Parents) the house is comfortable (with a fair amount of clothes). Okay, now to me. On December 21st, I saw my colorectal surgeon. Those appointments are the BEST. So, what do you want - the good news or the bad news???? Bad news it is! Okay, by his determination and the fifteenth student that he has "shown" me to, he told me that my rectal lesion appears to be a little bigger than before. So, it appears that it is no longer responding to chemo. Okay, so that is the bad news. So, he says, "You have a scan coming up and chemo next week. So, let's have you do chemo and, then the scan, and, then we will determine whether to continue chemo for the lungs and monitor your rectum or put you in day surgery to remove the rectal lesion." Okay, did you read "day surgery"? "Day surgery" has never been on the radar. I have NEVER heard anyone say "day surgery" to me. I have heard colostomy, I have heard seven day hospital stay, pooping in a bag, possible reconstruction, and J-pouch. I repeat IN THREE AND A HALF YEARS I HAVE NEVER HEARD "DAY SURGERY". Okay, back to the story.....imagine me looking at him STUNNED - deer in the headlights sort of look - and saying, "Day surgery?" and him responding with, "Yeah, we shrunk it and I think I can get it all" in a "no big deal" sorta way. Still stunned he looks at me like, "Where have you been? This was the goal. How did you not know this?" and I am just still stunned. I shake my head, clear my thoughts, look at my watch, and say, "Well, if I stop eating now we can do it tomorrow!" "No we can't. I have to talk to Hank." "Yes, we can." "No, you are going to do chemo and then the scan, just to be sure, and then we will do it." "Yes, we can." 'NO. WE CAN'T" with the look like I am his little girl and I just stole a cookie. "F-i-n-e." So, that is the good news which some would think is bad, but they don't know the whole story and don't realized that this is frickin' fantastic news! BTW - Hank (my oncologist) gave me the same, "Well, of course, that is what we were doing" like I wasn't paying attention in class and I am like, "You know I have BEEEEEEN here for every appointment. I don't think I woulda let that one slip by." But(t) anyway, so chemo was last week, I did the scan this morning, and I will meet with my surgeon on Thursday morning (1/6) at 9:00am where my life and my rectal lesion's life will be determined. Day surgery.....never thought I would love those words...... Happy Tuesday, Ang