Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Living my dreams

Legoland. Every time I have had to go into treatment I have always had something to look forward too. My goals were many. This time one of them was Legoland. I planned the trip back in February. I made the reservations for the room and the car, but I did not do the airline tickets. I asked permission from my oncologist and he said, "If you really want to go, we can work around a short trip like that." I still didn't buy the airline tickets. I finished up chemo, I survived lung surgery, but I still didn't buy the airline tickets. And then, after I survived the camping trip, I bought the tickets. If I could do that, I could fly to Legoland. HOWEVER, this would be the first trip as a family BY OURSELVES. Not that we didn't have offers, we did. But we needed to do this on our own. I was a bit nervous and I planned everything down to the most specific detail. On July 9 at 7:00 in the morning, the plan went into action. At 7:30, Nolan (my rock, the one that doesn't get sick) started puking in the truck. I was ready to bail, go home, we can't do, that is it, God is telling me to go home, adios, bye bye. Grant was like, "Honey, I think it is just going to be okay." Husband rate VERY low in those ordeals, so I called Karissa and she answered the phone half asleep. I apologized and told her I didn't know what to do. I said, "I don't have pukers." She replied, "Angie, you kinda do. It will be fine. He will be fine. GO." So, we forged on. He puked probably seven times before we got on the plane. I am VERY good with a Ziplock bag. Oh, and by the way, I was informed that the next time I go through security I have to but the puke Ziplock through the X-Ray machine. (I am sure you could see my face when they informed me of that one.....R-I-G-H-T.) We weren't too messed up, but I kept looking at Grant and he kept nodding like we can do this. Nolan stopped puking halfway through the flight. We landed, got the car, went to the park, and all the sudden he was hungry and VERY thirsty. We had a great afternoon at the train museum. The boys loved it! We checked into our hotel, went swimming, ate dinner, and slept. I then proceeded to think about every trip we have been on in the last two years. Mason has puked on every trip. Funny how I cannot recognize that I "have pukers" until one of my best friend tells me that I do. The next day we went to Legoland. Just like Disneyland last year, upon entering the park, I realize it is actually happening. I realize that I am doing what I have dreamed about, what I have planned for, and what I wasn't sure I would be around to do. I usually tear up, but no tears fall. I take a few deep breaths and then I mentally thank all the people that got me there - it is a long list, so I group them. ;) The moment passes and then I can get back to, "MOMMY, look at THAT!!" and "MOMMY, I want to do THIS!" We played for two days straight. Nolan never took a nap - and he loves his naps. By the time we were going home, he was walking around with his eyes totally bloodshot, staggering really, and I believe thinking, "MUST KEEP GOING......MUST KEEP GOING....." The night before we left, Nolan got a fever. Luckily, I had medicine and got it under control. I panicked a bit and said, "Should we stay longer??? What if it is the swine flu????" It wasn't. It was just a little kid that needed more rest and beat up his system for three days straight. Grant looked at me and said, "We can get home. It is just a fever." We did. Nolan is fine. We did it. Alone, as a family. (pause) WOW. (pause pause) I am so lucky. My dreams come true, but even more importantly, I am very aware that they are my dreams and I get to live them. May you be so lucky. Happy Wednesday, Ang P.S. This was Nolan's FIRST roller coaster!

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Too much fun and just a bit tired...

The past week has been filled with Legoland and Day with Thomas......I have lots to tell, but to tired to do it.....I am doing fabulously.......Enjoy the weather, Ang

Saturday, July 11, 2009

O-K-A-Y then!

I saw my oncologist on Friday and he said, "If you feel as good as you look, we are doing great." I LOVE HIM. I haven't exercised in two years, I am (according to his medical program) 30 lbs overweight (I say 15 lbs) and he says I look great. I must dress well.....or maybe it is the Bobbi Brown makeup. I did dye by hair the previous morning......who is to know..... maybe the cancer bar is just so low, I can easily hurdle it. OH WELL!!! I told him that really I was doing well. Yes, I am not perfect. It hurts when my children pound on my back and at the end of the day my sternum can hurt, but I don't take anything. It is nothing but a mild irritation. I have gotten rid of all the remaining pain meds (except the Vicodin - smile). Really, I am only seven weeks out from about the most horrific experience of my life. It is amazing what the mind does. It seems SOOOO far away already and like it hardly happened. I am meeting with a woman next week that is going to do surgery with my surgeon. When I initially talked to her, she was really scared. She mentioned to me that she has slept her ENTIRE LIFE on her right side (the side of surgery) and was worried she wouldn't be able to sleep. I was like, "You will HAPPILY sleep on your left. Really, no worries there." She laughed and I think that was the beginning of her easing up. She is better now, so we are going to lunch so that I can pass along the "ROCKSTAR" pillow, hair shower in a cap that I didn't use (handy gadget), and some lavender oil from my oil lady. I offered to show her my back too which I think she really appreciates. She lost her husband to cancer 8 years ago.....tough gig. I met her through a friend of a friend of a friend. It started with Susie, my cancer buddy. I LOVE HER TOO. We spent some time together on Friday and it was really the best. Things you can only talk about to each other and things that no one else really gets unless you have been through it. She also introduced me to "wine spritzers". Yeah, she is a little bit of a bad influence, but she wouldn't be fun if she wasn't! Okay, so here is why I am posting under the title of, "O-K-A-Y then!", in a word NOLAN. Last night, Grant had to work late, I picked the kids up from day care, brought them home, cooked a pizza, ate, and got them in the bath. When I was doing Nolan's lotion (he is my sensitive skin guy - thanks DONNA!), he asked for, "A WOT OF WOTION!" He is not-so-good with the "L"s yet. So, I gave him a fair amount and as I was lathering him up I said, "Are you going to put that somewhere?" He smiled and continued to rub in between his fingers and than WHAM! straight to his "package". As he is massaging it in and going on about it is a lot and how he needs to do it because, and I quote, "Daddy boke it!" (Daddy used the wrong diaper rash cream that irritates his skin when he in fact has a rash.) I am full out laughing, looking at him rub his cream into his area, and thinking, "Where the heck is the video camera?!?!?!?!" Happy weekend, Ang

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Normal Life?

Life is moving along nicely. I still have Fridays that are riddled with doctor's appointments, but it is all just to monitor me. Apparently, I struggle with situational anxiety that I am being referred to get help with. My therapist friends tell me it is not silly, but I think it probably is. I just get anxiety when I am out alone with the kids. Of late, it seems to be going away, but I have to say that I do not stray far from home for too long with them. And, if I do, someone is there with me for most of the time. I have found my way through all the bills from the surgeries, billing nightmares, and am so thankful for good insurance. I have waded through my office that has been sorely neglected for months - nine to be exact. I have done my filing, sifted through all the medical paperwork, shredded, and recycled. I am back at scrapbooking which is a centering force for me. And, get this, people are approaching me about "working". They are telling me things like, you have skills in this and you would be so good at that, I want you to talk to this group of women, you can work from home as many or as little hours as you like.....can you believe it??!?!?! If they saw my office (BEFORE last Friday) they would have NEVER said that, but then, these are the people that have seen every inch of my house, so maybe they would. Life never ceases to amaze me. We/I have a trip planned every month through October. Carpe diem. I did have a bit of a mental break the other day. The only medical therapies I am on anymore are ones that correcting what was done during radiation and chemotherapy - yep, down, three days before my camping trip, I got a UTI. Yeah, a UTI is about the ONLY thing you CANNOT have on a camping trip - IN A TENT. I got antibiotics and it cured it, but the downside is I stopped the other therapy. I guess I just couldn't take it. Maybe I exhaled and realized how tired I was from all of the medical appointments. I think my Colorectal Surgeon said it best when, on the same day as I was told I was in remission, I went to his office asking if I should still do a colonoscopy that June (I have done them every June). He looked at me and said, "You have just been through a heck of a journey. Do you really want to do this? We could take a break and I could see you in August." We worked through schedules and picked September 11th. I didn't really think about what he said until that moment waiting for the antibiotics at the pharmacy for the UTI and I thought, "I don't know how to live without doctors." The last week and a half have been glorious, but I have been called and told to start up again. In fact, they told me, just do half of, any of it, but just continue a little bit. They are begging for my compliance. I paused, but I granted it. I sure did like my vacation from it all. Maybe I will get another one soon. Happy Tuesday, Ang