Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Am I broken? Nah, pretty sure it is hormones.....

Right before my Scrapbooking weekend away, I was to pick my refills of prescriptions.  I am on four things which I think is a lot but for most surviving cancer patients apparently that is on the low side.  I am on a blood thinner.  Two shots I have to take am and pm every day.  This is from prolonged chemotherapy use.  It thickens your blood to the point that I started getting blood clots in my lungs.  I have an anti anxiety drug that I take as needed.  This I do not take much anymore.  I got this one after I fainted from the allergic reaction in chemotherapy and had a tough time "getting back on the horse".  And then there is my mood altering drugs.  It is a cocktail of the smallest dose of anti depression drug there is, cut in half.  (They started me on the entire pill and I was so happy it freaked me out!) the other half is a hormone replacement pill.  Now, calm down, when you have Stage Four Cancer and are monitored the way I am, they do not worry about hormone replacement like they normally do.  Remember, cancer, got that, check!  For those that do not remember, the cocktail came from three years ago when I was in chemo, crying everyday, even on my good weeks.  I was not eating because it did not interest me (that never happens), and I was a mess.   I was sent to a cancer psychiatrist that said to me, and I loosely quote, "Angie, it is shocking how little information we have on the effects of prolonged chemotherapy use we have on the brain.  Keeping people upright has been the goal, and there are not that many of you walking around."  Meaning?  We have no idea, because you, yet again, should be dead. What they did know is that I had no hormones registering in blood test and I was crying everyday.  The cocktail worked.  We backed off the anti depression pill and increase the hormone pill a bit and it was perfect.  All was happy.  I have been without them for a few days...I forgot them on a trip to Hawaii, but Karissa brought the a few days later and I was fine.  Grant forgot to pick up the prescription during our remodel last year and I was not fine.  Stress and my ability to deal without them are closely correlated.  Well , when Grant went to pick up before the Scrapbook weekend, the hormones had been denied and required an appeal that the phamacy was told about when I got my first set this year in February. Grant was like she does not do well without these and she is going out of town. Yes, they screwed up.  Yes, they should have had me start the paperwork when I got the "courtesy" scrip.  What they did do is give me a bridge.  The most essential just for the weekend.  Then, I got the office to start on the  paperwork.  Now, this can go fast or slow.  I am with yet another insurance company, and apparently they are slow.  I think, well maybe, since the lovely Aunt Flo is back, I do not need these anymore.  Let's see how it goes.  First week, good.  Second week, my PTA world blew up.  In my regional meeting, I found out that my PTA meeting was now a public forum for the Kent Valley Early Learning Center.  I had to change everything up, quickly do everything by email for my meetings.  And then a couple other things have come up.  Good things, but more work.  Then a boulder hit my windshield and in all that rain last week, water was coming in my car!  Change that.  Mason had to go to the doctor because he became a frequent flyer at the nurse's office, and oh, did I tell you the school has hired me on Thursday nights for the Parent Academy for Student Achievement?!?!?!?!  Yes, I am the picture perfect example of that right now. It is just until May1st.  They will wise up by then.  Thursday night, I am reminded that I have to get snacks for the kids during testing that is coming up, but the testing has changed as most of you know and I now need to buy 2000 waters and 2000 snacks that include fruits and veges.  Frick.  I have $500 budgeted for this.  That is not going to work.  So, another thing to unfurl and renegotiate.  At 2000 snacks, I can pretty much afford the Goldfish.  I am told I should go to a play meeting on Tuesday (today), because I do not know why, but I will find out.  Friday, I crash.  I have a fever (which I am never suppose to have) and I have a deep, deep cough.  I do not get out of my PJ until Sunday at 10:30.  I get through Sunday and start to feel better.  Monday comes and I am doing well, but something is off.  I do my bare necessities at home and PTA stuff, getting ready for the signing meeting at 6, right before the public forum at 6:30.  The signing meeting is crazy chaos, but we finish and we enter the public forum.  I am sitting there starting to relax and all the sudden the speaker does not have a head.  Lara, my Treasurer, does not have a mouth and her left eye.  I go to the truck realizing that I haven't eaten since lunch which was small.  I grab some cookies get a drink of water and go back.  I apply my pressure points.  Still no face or no mouth and left eye.  And then it starts, I am starting to lose strength in my left arm.  I gotta go.  I tell Lara I am getting a migraine.  "Go home." she commands.  And if you knew her, she does that.  I did see her mouth do that.  I grab my stuff, whisper to Pat what is happening.  "Go home and take care of yourself."  He is nicer than Lara.  hehe  I try not to panic.  I have about 45 mins to get home, take a glass of milk with 4 Alieve and get in bed.  I back over the curb, but I gotta say, when I park in that spot I always back over that curb - stupid curb.  I am not parking there anymore.  I get home, find the Alieve, take it with milk, close the blinds, get in bed.  Grant knows the drill.  I just lay there.  Strength gone in my left arm.  I sleep.  Wake up.  Left arm numb.  I sleep.  I wake up.  Right side of my brain is pounding, but not so bad to make my puke.  I sleep.  I wake up.  It is 2am.  Exhale.  I caught it in time and tomorrow I can function.  Thank God.  Grant asks how I am.  He does not sleep well when I have migraines which is once ever three years.  I am fine, we got it.  He says, "Hormones tomorrow!" (The insurance company called me on Friday at 4:50pm and said they approved it.  The pharmacy call me yesterday and said they would have it before my appointment with my oncologist today.)  So, I am broken, but if the hormones plug the hole, I'll take it.

Okay, so now for all of you that are going to email me telling me that I need to do less, that I have to take care of myself, that I am looking for disaster, if you think I did not learn something from the last week, you must think me very dim.  HOWEVER, the last week was no one persons or things fault.  My life is not a bubble anymore, I meeting people, I speak publicly, I am the "it girl" for the PTA at a school I love to represent.  And you know, I like it.  I really do.  And I am so proud of myself I am not just a Mom with cancer anymore.  I am a Mom, President of the PTA (which I may add, while not perfect, I do pretty darn well), a wife, a daughter, a friend, a aunt, etc. and by the way, I manage a"terminal" disease in there too.  Cancer is not my beginning, though it may be my end, I will not be its "it girl".

I love you all for your concern, for your prayers, for your love.  I will figure this out.

Happy Tuesday, Ang