Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Fall without Cancer

is moving along quite well. Our time is filled with pumpkins, patches, Spiderman and Tigger costumes, practicing how to trick or treat "properly", early morning walks, and the occasional panic attack. Yep, they are back, but for ENTIRELY different reasons. Now, I am fine taking my kids out in public AND putting them on the naughty spot in the Fred Meyer frozen food aisle. No, now they are about my next scan that ISN'T UNTIL LATE NOVEMBER! What if it comes back? What is that pain? Is it cancer? What if I die? What if, what if, what after a good nights sleep and some deep breathing (which is harder now, but I am also missing 10 pieces in my lungs!!!), I read the obits. Yeah, I know, a chick like me shouldn't read the obituaries, but you know, I find a "circle of life" sort of calm from it. So, if you look at the line of questions that I had before the answers could come back; who knows what that pain is you have had two kids, cancer, lots of surgeries, and your are 40, you are bound to be in pain; maybe it is, so what you have had that before; you will die - everybody does. So, I look at my anxiety pills and I don't take them. I remember that TODAY I DON'T HAVE CANCER AND THIS IS THE FIRST FALL WITHOUT CHEMO IN TWO YEARS, I recycle the obituaries, and I turn back to kids and practice trick or treating. Just so you know, we practice the "thank you" part a lot. Mason is great at proclaiming, "TRICK OR TREAT" and Nolan is FANTASTIC at the candy taking part! Happy Wednesday - Ang

Friday, October 16, 2009

Life if I didn't have cancer

Life is moving at break neck speed and FINALLY I see things slowing down. We just got back from visiting Jane and Tyrus (my brother and sister in law) in North Carolina. We had the run of the house. I finally had a Chick Fil A sandwich (excuse the spelling) and went to Southern Season (Queen Anne Thirftway on serious steroids!!). Yesterday the accumulation of all things cancer hit me. As Nolan was helping me set the table, trying to make room for Auntie Donna and Auntie Jane and as Mason was asking when Auntie Jane is going to live with us again, I was thinking...what would life had been like without cancer? Nolan probably wouldn't know who the heck Auntie Jane was and definitely wouldn't have known Auntie Donna like he does. My parents would never have had the relationship that they have with my boys - and that would be a shame - it is beautiful. I would have never met Bob, Susie, Hank, Daniel, Dawn, Reanna, Diane, Micheal, Billy, to name a few. I would have never had a summer with Jane. I would have never known how amazing a support system is. I would have never had my girlfriends sit on my bed and talk to me because adults don't do that when they are out of college. Little Maggie's eye would have never peered over the side of my bed and told me all about kindergarten. I would have never known how to take a bath and supervise two little kids. Mason and Nolan would not be as self sufficient as they are which is a good thing! I would have never understood the true meaning of sunrise. Some of my friends took their first family vacation because of my cancer and the realization that life ain't forever. Others went to the doctor for the first time in years. My cancer constantly puts life in perspective for so many. Some have quit their jobs, others have moved jobs. Some have stopped putting up with anything they don't love. There is a saying that we are all connected. Others say everything happens for a reason. I don't necessarily believe the second. I believe that we need to make sense out of what happens in life. God doesn't punish us even though he and I have had a few arguments about that. So, at the end of this post I wonder, was it worth it? To feel more than I have ever felt, to love deeper than I ever loved, to feel love in a way I never knew I could feel, and to just be and have that be enough. YES. Happy Friday, Ang

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Not goin' to Nationals...

Well, Mason did quite make it to the finals at the Puyallup Fair. Don't get me wrong, we went and we suited up. Karissa's family was there. Grandpa came. Mason waited in line. They started late. And then, right before we "saddled up", he started sobbing. He said he couldn't do it - SOBBING. I didn't know what happened, but since there were so many riders we only had that one shot. He wanted to go back as soon as we left, but they were well past Mason and, again, he couldn't have a second chance. My heart broke for him. I wondered if I did anything. Did I push him? Did I hurt him? I asked him, but he didn't give me much of an answer. I chalked it up to being "4". We got some cotton candy with Karissa and her kids. We rode the ferris wheel. While I tried to fight it off, I still "needed" to know what went wrong. It was dark and the rides were all lit up. I crouched down and asked him one more time. He said, "You didn't do anything. I need to do it again when I am five. When will I be five?" "December. After Halloween and American Thanksgiving." I responded. "You know Mason, you could go to Nationals if you wanted to do it again this year." I told him. He asked, "Will I be five?" I said, "No." He looked a little peeved and said, "I'm not doing it again until I am FIVE!" O-K-A-Y. Maybe I did push. Okay, I did because I did think about having his birthday next weekend to say he is five and then go to National on the 18th, but I stopped myself and said, "Yep...that was the "crossing the line" line WAAAAAYYY back there......" Oh well, there is always next year! Happy Thursday, Ang