Chemo "Light" - I did it!

Okay, so yesterday did my new regiment of chemo. I call it chemo "light". No pump, just a vitamin and one of my previous two chemos. Theoretically, I was supposed to be able to drive myself, but I didn't. I should have been able to take care of my kids, but my Mom took them and just told me she was (she didn't even ask - I think there is a love affair happening here...). It should have taken twenty mins, but...........here we go........after the first push, I started feeling weird. I told the nurse about it and they stopped. I told her that I thought it was in my mind, they took all my vitals and cautiously and politely agreed. My body was fine - heart rate slightly elevated, but BP and oxygen were perfect. They asked me if I had taken my anti anxiety pill and I said no, but I ask my oncologist if I could if I needed to. So, I did and we waited for a bit. They told me that I could stop, just walk away if it was too bad, but just kept looking at the oxygen and BP machines telling myself that my body is fine and I can do this knowing that, if I left, I would never come back. Apparently, my episode two weeks ago affected me more than I thought. I discussed it with the nurse and Elaine. Elaine was sweet, she said, "Now, I don't want to influence you....." and I look at her like, "Hello, I am asking you to..." and she said, "I think you need to get back on the horse again or it will be harder next time." I knew that is what I needed to do......a long time ago, I went dirt biking with my Dad for Father's Day. Yes, dirt biking with an ENGINE - not mountain biking. My Dad doesn't go that way. This was way before cell phones and I feel backward off a slate covered trail. I would say it was cliff like, but not a cliff. I cracked my helmet, knocked myself out, and smashed my elbow badly. My Dad freaked out, but I came to, and he asked me, "Can you do the rest?" I didn't want to, but it was only him and I, what were we going to do? So, I said yes and I got back on the bike and finished the trail off the mountain. When we were done, my demin shirt was soaked with blood from you elbow. My Dad said he was proud of me and that he had a friend (ex-Motocrosser) that refused to finish that very trail. I was 17 and fearless - I could do anything. I am not fearless anymore, but I thought about that and thought, if I can do that, I can do a little push of chemo. I asked to keep the machines on me and I said we need to go. So, very slowly she pushed it in. I was surprised that it went so fast, and then I started to relax.....and the shaking started. I think it was all the adrenaline that it took to get to the Cancer Center and face my fear of reenacting two weeks ago. I shook hard to the point that they gave me atavan (the happy drug). They turned on the oxygen, and let me watch the machines, and I shook. They piled blankets on me. They asked me if this happens to me and I said yes, but at night, and Grant just holds me until it stops. So, Elaine, got close and hugged me hard, until the atavan kicked in, It stopped in about 45 mins and I took a nap. I was feeling much better, but with a headache. I got home great, but 5 mins at home I puked (the one things they told me that I would not do) hard. After, I was exhausted and oddly hungry. So, I ate and napped and went to bed REALLY early. Today I am feeling SOOOOOOO much better - I think I may just be able to do this, but I am taking anti anxiety pill before I leave for the cancer center next time!!! Enjoy the sun, Ang

I wonder what life will be like when I don't

wake up in the middle of the night and figure out that the pain that is been in my right lung isn't right anymore and getting worse. I wonder what it will be like to not be able to figure out that it can wait until morning, but know that when I call the oncologist on-call they will say, "Yeah, you need to come in today." I wonder what life will be like when you have to wait in the ER. I wonder what life will be like when you are not escorted immediately back, by-pass triage, and get to "go ahead" of others. I wonder what life will be like when I am not sick. Long and short.......I either have pneumonia (which they are treating me for) or part of my right lung is dying and scaring over which is apparently very painful, as experienced, and they sent me home with pain meds and antibiotics. That was how I spent most of my Superbowl Sunday - in the ER. I am grateful for living my life everyday to the fullest with friends and family and that this happened BEFORE the big game. Loves, Ang

A dialogue with my oncologist

Last week my oncologist said, that I should take the rest of the week off, and we would talk about what to do next on Tuesday, Feb 1st. I translated this after knowing him a while to, "Let me think about what the heck just happened, come up with your options, and I will give you your marching orders on Feb. 1st." With this translation in my head, I made sure that he knew that we needed more options.....like low level pill form chemo.....that my body was tired and since we were just waiting to get to surgery could we do a maintenance chemo rather then a double barrel shotgun chemo? So, I arrived yesterday and I had no orders for blood work. I went back to check with his office and the nurse said, "Nope, it is just a dialogue appointment." Wha?????? I have never had a dialogue about chemo. I was even convinced that he didn't know that the "di" part of that word meant "more than one person". So, I wait for my appointment, and yes, I took an anti anxiety pill 45 mins prior to my appointment. They called me back and then it started.....wow, apparently, I shook the entire office last week. "How are you?" "You sure got our attention last week." "You scared me - don't do that again!" O-K-A-Y. I will work on that. My oncologist comes in and sits down. I say, "Okay, what is the plan Stan." His name is Hank, but like messing with him. He said, "I don't know, we are going to talk about it." Apparently, he does know what the "di" part of that word is. CRAP - I should have prepared for this and I blurt out - Zelota (pill form chemo)! He said, "We can do that, but I think that is too toxic for your system and we don't need to do something that strong." Wow - okay, what are we doing know? Going from double barrel shot gun to water pistol? He continues, "The way I see it is that we have three options and you can choose one.....1. It appears that you had an allergic reaction to one of the premeds. It is not one that I usually see an allergic reaction too, and your body naturally has the same thing as the drug, so you probably are allergic to something that they do to it in preparing it. So, option one is that we can totally rework your premeds and continue on your normal chemo. Pan across the room and that is when the tears start rolling down my face. No sobbing, no hard breathing, just multiple tears. I close my eyes and lean back. He continues, "And based on that response, I think we should go to option two." "Just give me a minute." I reply. He waits, gives me a hug, and asked when I am ready. "Okay, ready." "Number two is to do your idea, but I think that is too much for you right now." I am thinking, really, but you didn't think option 1 was too much?!?!??! BTW - love/hate relationships with oncologist are normal. "And then option 3, where you come in once a week. I see you then you go up and I only give you Folfox and Lukivorin (sp) (two of my three chemos). No 5FU (which is the pump I have on for two days). It would be about 20 minutes of chemo once a week (rather than 5 hours), and no pump for two days. You will probably not get sick, you can drive yourself, three weeks on, one week off. No premeds." "You want option 3 at this point and I agree. I can probably do it, but not without anti anxiety meds." I say. "That is fine." he replies. "Okay." defeated, but knowing that in the scheme of things I have nothing to feel bad about. I need a drink - I mean like a real drink at 11:30 in the morning. After a lot of hugs and supportive talk, I get myself together and ask when we start. I offer Thursday or Friday, but he says no, let's do Tuesdays. I am like, "I am trying to save them from me and give them a break", but he likes Tuesday for multiple reasons. He doesn't outline it, but I kinda think it was something like, I would have the same team that "saved" me last week, they know the drill, and if I do that again, I have all week to recover until the weekend. Tuesday it is. I get all rescheduled and I leave. I call Grant and tell him that I am going to the bar. Now that he has an office downtown and only one partner and one part time employee, he says, "I will go with you." So, I eat lunch and have a Manhattan. Grant has a beer and listens to all of it and says, "Ang, in the scheme of things...." "I know, I KNOW, but I want to feel sorry for myself for 24 hours. I love you." "I love you too." My 24 hours is up right now......... Loves, Ang

Good news

My MRI came back clean - no cancer in my brain and probably no seizure, just a darn bad reaction to the drugs. My oncologist gave me the week off, and we will meet next week to discuss treatment. He and I talked a fair amount in the hospital when Grant was there and I think/hope that we will get to a plan that will get me successfully past the blood clots to surgery and back into remission. I so appreciate all the emails, prayers, thoughts, and energy sent my way - it makes a difference. One person that I would like to call out is Elaine. She has been my driver now for almost four years to chemo. She knows my protocol and when I "went over" she was there too. It must have been pretty scary, but she handled it with incredible strength. She stayed with me through the transfer to the hospital even while I slept. Wow, I probably would have dropped me like a hot potato and headed for the hills, but not her - it is not in her make up. Thank you Elaine for taking care of me, my parents, all of us. Sometime I will tell the tale of what happened in those few minutes, but it is still just a bit too fresh Heck, I made one of the chemo nurse's CRY! Feeling pretty grateful, Ang

Chemotherapy did not go so well and

They stopped it. They are not sure if I just fainted from an allergic reaction or if I had a seizure. I am spending the night at the hospital for a brain scan and observation. I know I could use less drama. So very tired of this. Grateful that my boys are with my mom and dad, that Grant is coming tonight with a movie so we can act normal, and that I can order anything I want off the menu - the Chocolate cake was good. Karissa said something good is coming my way.....from her lips to God's ears! Loves, Ang

Sick Again/Parenting Skills

After recovering from my trip to the ER and catching up on my life, I got a head cold - REALLY?!?!?!?! So, I am laying low this weekend, but I feel like I am beating it without it turning to a sinus infection, lung infection, etc. Yeah me! This week has been a good one - Nolan and I started planning and sending invitations to his birthday party, ordering his cake, etc. He is really excited and I am so excited for him. To think I didn't know if I would make it to his first birthday, and now, it is his forth! WOW! I also got to go to lunch this week with a couple girlfriends. How completely NORMAL. I liked it. No, actually, I LOVED IT. Then the cold hit and I gave into it, honoring that I have little to no immune system. One thing that was interesting this week was Nolan told me that I was pretty when I was mad and ugly when I was not mad. Interesting. I am thinking - Wow, there is a picture into your future, I don't particularly want to know about, but OKAY. I have been struggling with the boys a bit. They have gotten into the habit of when they get into a conflict, one of them just starts crying. No use of words, no working it out, nothing. By Friday I was DONE with this. Dr. Phil says, "Find your children's currency and then disciple with that." Okay, well, my children's currency is currency. So, I said, "New rule. You two are crying all the time and I can't tell when something is real or not. I am also finding that you are crying for no reason other than to have me fix the issue between you. So, the next time you frivolously cry, you owe me a dollar. This should encourage you to use your words and work it out or Mommy will get her toes painted with your money."Well, I earned $2 on Saturday and $1 today and the crying has stopped. SUCCESS. However, the really sad part about this is that I was hoping it would be a real money maker. Oh well, at least it is peaceful!!!! Sincerely, the chick with cancer and I think very questionable parenting skills!!!!!! :)

My life the horror flick

Early Thursday morning - like 3:43am, I woke up, went to the bathroom, washed my hands, and looked in the mirror. There was dried blood all over my shirt. I looked down my shirt and I was bleeding - everywhere. I felt nothing, but knew that my pump was compromised and that bleeding isn't so good when you are on blood thinners. So, I walked into the bedroom, noticed blood on the sheets, and told Grant that we had a problem. Grant took one look at me and and his eyes turned to saucers. Panicked, he started to process what was going on. We called my oncologist and he said to go to the ER and get the pump off. So, I just put on a vest and went. When I showed up, I unzipped the vest and the woman behind the bullet proof glass said something like, "Yeah, we can see you now." Three hours later I was discharged. I had to go back at 9:00, but forgot my shot at home so, went home to go back to get my iron, fluids, and another shot for my white blood cell count. This week has been full of test after test, plus chemo. My arms look like a drug addict. I am feeling a bit better today, but my port access is really sore probably because I pulled a needle out of my body in the middle of the night telling as that is. But here is the best part, Thursday night Greek food sounded good, so Grant picked some up and got home. Here is the bad part. They forgot the tzatziki. You ever had Greek food without tzatziki? Well, it stinks. Okay, the entire day, I rolled with it, I didn't cry, I didn't panic, I didn't freak out, but when there was no tzatziki, I LOST IT. I started crying, and yelling that I was so sick of people prodding me, taking samples, redoing test, being in a hospital, etc. etc. etc. It was pretty brutal. And there is Grant. Exhausted too. He has lived this nightmare with me. Been up all night, y'know the drill. He just got up without a word, kissed me on the top of the head, left, and returned 30 mins later with warm pita bread and tzatziki. I love that man. Next week, I am going to try out for the next Scream movie - I am a shoe in. Loves, Ang

It is times like this

I am very thankful for all that is done for me. For all the meals, from strawberry and pineapple skewer for my kids to mini pizzas that the boys like to do, to casseroles that last for a week, to brownies that don't last so long, to the cleaning crews that come to my house, to the Designed Dinners in my freezer (that I did not put there), to my parents' constant help with the boys. Because sometimes, just sometimes, I feel like quitting, just letting it go, stopping, getting my life back for however long that will be. But then, I stop and think of all the people that do all the things for me and what they would say - "But, you can't." "We are so close." "Please - go - for me." "Come Ang, buck up, you can do this." and I cry, wipe my tears, and go. I off to chemo this afternoon, sick to my stomach already, but know that twenty years from now, I won't remember it. Heck, if they give me enough meds, I won't remember most it on Saturday! THANK YOU. Loves, me

Scan results were good, BUT

and this is a big BUT. While my cancer is continually going away, it is not gone and I will have to continue chemo. In addition, I have blood clots in both of my lungs. So, I got a phone call this morning with a "we need to see you and start medication TODAY". Surgery is postponed until the blood clots are gone. So, I am on two shots a day until I can transition to a pill, but that will not be for a long, long time. This does not make my chances any harder of beating this, but it is another challenge that I get to face, oh, and my car wouldn't start this morning, but the furnace comes tomorrow and with the help of AAA they figured out that I had water in my gas line and got it started. Thankful for little miracles. What a week - love, Ang

My status

Wow, so much as happened since my last post it is almost mind blowing, but I will attempt to update you. Most people want to know how I am, but let me update you first of how other things are that have taken a fair amount of my attention. First, my insurance companies are now paying! HAPPY FLIPPIN' NEW YEAR TO ME! No more letters that say, you owe us $296, $71, and $272,000 dollars! Yeah, I am a little expensive right now. I like to say my ass is worth a TON of money! Then, our furnace went out. GREAT. Real life sometimes is inconvenient, but luckily, I kinda knew this may happen because chemo makes you clairvoyant and had already scheduled the quotes, so the new furnace comes Thursday and with all the donated space heaters (thanks to the Girls and my Parents) the house is comfortable (with a fair amount of clothes). Okay, now to me. On December 21st, I saw my colorectal surgeon. Those appointments are the BEST. So, what do you want - the good news or the bad news???? Bad news it is! Okay, by his determination and the fifteenth student that he has "shown" me to, he told me that my rectal lesion appears to be a little bigger than before. So, it appears that it is no longer responding to chemo. Okay, so that is the bad news. So, he says, "You have a scan coming up and chemo next week. So, let's have you do chemo and, then the scan, and, then we will determine whether to continue chemo for the lungs and monitor your rectum or put you in day surgery to remove the rectal lesion." Okay, did you read "day surgery"? "Day surgery" has never been on the radar. I have NEVER heard anyone say "day surgery" to me. I have heard colostomy, I have heard seven day hospital stay, pooping in a bag, possible reconstruction, and J-pouch. I repeat IN THREE AND A HALF YEARS I HAVE NEVER HEARD "DAY SURGERY". Okay, back to the story.....imagine me looking at him STUNNED - deer in the headlights sort of look - and saying, "Day surgery?" and him responding with, "Yeah, we shrunk it and I think I can get it all" in a "no big deal" sorta way. Still stunned he looks at me like, "Where have you been? This was the goal. How did you not know this?" and I am just still stunned. I shake my head, clear my thoughts, look at my watch, and say, "Well, if I stop eating now we can do it tomorrow!" "No we can't. I have to talk to Hank." "Yes, we can." "No, you are going to do chemo and then the scan, just to be sure, and then we will do it." "Yes, we can." 'NO. WE CAN'T" with the look like I am his little girl and I just stole a cookie. "F-i-n-e." So, that is the good news which some would think is bad, but they don't know the whole story and don't realized that this is frickin' fantastic news! BTW - Hank (my oncologist) gave me the same, "Well, of course, that is what we were doing" like I wasn't paying attention in class and I am like, "You know I have BEEEEEEN here for every appointment. I don't think I woulda let that one slip by." But(t) anyway, so chemo was last week, I did the scan this morning, and I will meet with my surgeon on Thursday morning (1/6) at 9:00am where my life and my rectal lesion's life will be determined. Day surgery.....never thought I would love those words...... Happy Tuesday, Ang