Life happens....

So, I have not posted in a while and I am fine, but life is, well, kicking my butt a little.  Thanksgiving was amazing.  All seemed good.  We made plans with our friends to go to celebrate and their new place in Squim next year - how do you spell that?!??  Our friends are retiring....fork, we are getting old.....  We went to Vancouver to see friends I had not seen in YEARS!  We went to the Fly Over Canada and we went to the German Christmas Market.  We just enjoyed the season.  They cooked AMAZING meals for us and the girls gave up their rooms for us.  The boys had a blast and love the new addition to the family.  I was in love/conflict with the cat all weekend, but that is normal.  Nolan had an allergic reaction to something as we left Vancouver.  We assume sesame seeds.  He was home the next day and at the doctor's office.  "Is this something I need to gradually go back to school with, like 2 hours, 4 hours, 6 hours....."  The Doctor looked and me and I said, "He was adopted.....I mean frozen." with a roll of the eyes. Then, Mason's 12th birthday on the 2nd.  We went to tea with Grandma.  What a treat, but for me, it was two days with kids home and I think there was a late start in there too! Mason's birthday was the 3rd and he had a great time, but he didn't get a piece of his birthday cake which he picked out, I freaked out because of the cost,  learned to bake and made.  So, I made another one on Sunday, the 4th.  He was sick on the 5th.  Grant went to the dentist for a filling on the 6th which he requires Valium and I have to drive him there and back.  Then, I have to have a conversation with him about how we are not going to work by car, train, etc.  Then he zones out, gets sleepy, I take all the car keys, and continue on my day.  Wednesday I go to my parents.....enough said.  Thursday Grant decides that he is going to go back to Toronto to see his Mom.  She had a fall and has not broken anything, but is struggling a bit with the meds and exercise.  Friday is normal but Mason's teacher has given notice and left.  He is now being taught by two e-cert subs.  BTW - Those are not Certified teachers, they are Emergency Certified teachers which means I could do it.  Talk to principal.  Have parents concerned.  Trying to get a unified effort that is PC to go through, but not PC enough to NOT be heard.  I drop Grant at the airport today.  We have the same tone as when we have had all our horrible news......be strong, but kind.....she is not leaving the house, so solutions have to be in the house.......only cry twice, so pick wisely.........be strong.......I love you.  The boys had a sleep over with their friends last night which was great because I got Grant out the door with a good night's sleep.  I then did stuff around the house this morning and went to lunch with them (I know, they take my kids, take them to church, and then feed me lunch....I didn't say I was a good friend), I took Mason to Hobbytown which he bought with his own money a racer drone.  MY FAVORITE.  We came home, started laundry, watched the Seahawks in horror, and I found myself watching Nolan more than anything.  He had seen the combat green figures at the Hobby store, along with the cowboys and Indians.  I bought them YEARS ago and I take them on trips. They are cheap, and classic.  He played in front of the TV with them for the ENTIRE Seahawks game.  His sound effects are amazing.  Semi automatic weapons were used on and by the Indians - FYI.  I loved watching him. I pray for my Mother in law.  I am removing all the distractions and just focusing on my family now.  Life happens.

Love, Ang

All in fair play....

I may have been too hard on Grant about the bathroom......so I will tell you my secret.....so in our cash flow crunch, I have reduced all our spending to necessities....food and gas.  Everything else has to be approved.  Now, I we are not destitute, but haircuts are spaced further out, no candles, make up, etc.  Toys are OUT OF THE QUESTION, etc.  But, there could be a problem in my freezer....  Grant and I have been through these cash flow problems before.  He actually likes it, not from the stand point that he looks forward to it, but that I cook EVERY meal, we stay in a lot.  Life is just simpler.  So, I came home from Fred Meyer and said, "Do we have enough bacon?"  His reply, "Oh, yeah, like until forever."  "Good it was on sale and I was tempted, but I did not get any."  Grant:  "Don't we need to eat what is in there?!?!  Isn't that the point to eat the stash when you do not have money?"  So, I organized the freezer today.  Yeah, wow, bacon until March.  More pork than I remember, mystery steak?, so many turkey kielbasas really so many, and four chickens - but they were on sale (it all was on sale), homemade broth, mystery fruit I am now making into mystery jam, and squash and pesto forever......I may have a problem, but we will have food on the table......a lot of squash I am thinking.....

Happy Monday,

Ang

My Hank Appt and Grant cleaning the bathroom....

Weird title right?!?!  Well, you will see why....

Had a tough time getting into Hank.  Not because he was booked, but because I did not want to go.  I canceled two appointments.  One on the day of.  I had some lame excuse and she was like, "He can see you whenever you like....."  TRANSLATION....."You need to get your butt in here."  I make an appointment for the next week and say, "I will not cancel this one."  You see Hank is wonderful, but Hank has his ways.....if you are behind in seeing him, mysteriously no other doctor will see you until you go see him.......magic?  I do not know, but I have never hit that status and I do not plan to.  I emailed him and told him what was going on in my head and his response was, "We can talk about it when you come in."  Seriously.  That is a total parent move.  Imagine if you will, "Okay, if you do not want to put your shoes on, which would you choose first - left or right?!?!!?"  FINE.  We have been through this before and I do not have much of a choice.  I remember being on the phone with him when I had to go on blood thinners for lung blood clots and I was like, "I will see him on Thursday....that will be fine."  Apparently, that was not fine.  He got on the phone with me and said I needed to go in that day.....I said, "No, I will be there on Thursday and I am not dead yet, so I should be fine by then."  He said, "You can come in on Thursday, but I need to see you today."  I said, "No."  He said, "I need to see you today and you need to start on the medication today."  I said, "I have been on that before and I am fine.  See you on Thursday."  He said, "But I need to see you today."  I said, "I do not want to go today.  I will go on Thursday."  He said, "As long as Thursday is today, that is fine."  I exhaled and said, "FINE.  BUT I AM WASHING MY HAIR AND I AM NOT SHOWING YOU HOW TO DO THE SHOT.....I KNOW HOW TO DO IT."  "Fine.  See you with clean hair." he replied.  Hank.  Wow.  What do you do with someone like that.  I adore him.  So, I go.  I get my blood work done and I see all my favorite nurses.  It was hard to get into the car, go to the garage, and got to the center.  Once I got there, all I saw were people I loved.  Coincidence?  God thing?  I go, God thing.  He has always been there when I needed him most.  I was so honest with Hank.  "Yay me, and I was fine during treatment, but then I had to deal with the reoccurance and then I got mad, and sad.  And mad. And why the fork did this happen to me?!?!?"  Hank......"Ang, you are fine and it is normal.  Feel all that and just let me know, so I know where you are at.  This is big...and too much."  Pause....so how does a guy do this?!?!?!  I am POSITIVE there are better people than me.  How does he meets my needs when I am so...well, shallow?!?!? Pause.....we do the exam and he asks, "Anything else?"  I was like, "Well, I cut off my thumb and I burned my hand, but I am good."  He looked at both and said, "You are lucky these are not infected and get a cook."  I am thinking, "I watched my Dad sew up his knee after a chainsaw "incident".  I know how to disinfect, and sometimes when to go to the doc - or at least who to ask!"  A COOK IS NOT GONNA HAPPEN!!!!  We stared at each other and I explained my disinfection method and he said, "Okay, sounds good.  Get a cook."  NOT GONNA HAPPEN.  Anyhoo....we are good....

So now to the main story.....Grant cleaning the bathroom.   So, a week or so ago I was out doing something and our friends were taking our boys with their boys to Sunday school.  They mentioned to Grant that they would like to see our downstairs bathroom because we had redone it (twice, remember the flood) and see what they could get from Costco.  So....remember, I am gone.  Boys are going to Church and coming back with the threat of people seeing our downstairs bathroom.  Grant seems to have a moment.  He goes into the downstairs bath and sees all the grossness there is to see.  This is not normal for Grant....you can ask any of his former roommates....there are several.  Grant can ignore, not see, etc all bathroom dirtiness.  But, when he is faced with friends coming to see the bath, he somehow sees what I see.  I come home.  He exclaims, "So, the Crofts wanted to see what we did in the downstairs bath and I had to Pledge it!"'  Stunned and confused, I was like, "You 'pledged' the bathroom?"   "Yes!  They said they wanted to see what we did with it and that they would come after the kids were dropped off."  "Okay.  It was dirty, did they come?'  "NO!  But I cleaned the entire thing!"  This was a bit unbelievable for me as I have been with Grant for 20+ years and the guy has NEVER cleaned a toilet. In fact, it is a joke with former roommates......he just does not clean a toilet.  So, I am torn.  He did a beautiful job, but the drama and the, well, tutorial to the boys was questionable.  In his panic, he had the boys to clean the bathrooms upstairs.  They did a great job, but they cleaned everything but the area in the toilet above the water.  "That is what Daddy said, "Clean everything to the top of the water in the toilet."  O-K-A-Y.  So, while I am SUPER appreciative, I gotta say, the water BELOW the line is GROSS and needs to be cleaned and why is it that when a guest comes the dirt shows up?!?!?!?!

Pause.....so, I think this is SUPER amazing.  Grant has literally not seen bathroom dirt until 20 + years after our marriage when someone was going to come and see it and he cleans it, but when he tells the boys, he says clean everything ABOVE the water......OMG.  Okay.....this is one of those things I have to just settle in with......God help the girls they marry.......since when has the water BELOW the line been cleaner?!?!??!   Forever confused.....and happy.....

Happy Sunday - Seahawks won!!!!!

Ang

Last weekend....

I apologize.  I made several people concerned and I get it.  But you have to understand.  My blog is my place to put all my crap.  Honestly, I can blog and then go out to dinner and have a great time.  I do not hold on to my feelings.  I leave it here.  I have to, my emotions are strong and hard.  I need to put them somewhere.  So, this is what happen AFTER I posted...

Last week went okay until Thursday.  I was getting my scrap booking stuff together.  I had not been on my scrap booking weekend for over 18 months.  I was finishing a lot of albums, but I also had so many crafts to do that I brought them too.  Thursday night....I am preparing dinner.   I am cutting up cabbage for my Mom's sausage, cabbage, potato, carrot, onion and celery steam and I cut off a huge part of my thumb.  Like HUGE.  Remember, I am on blood thinners and I have been really good about taking them......hence LOTS OF BLOOD.  I had the boys go over to my neighbors and get Trina.  Trina is a sister to me.  Tells me what I want to hear and what I don't and vice versa.  We love each other to death. I initially am like, "Can't I just cut it off and call it good?"  Trina was like, "Yeah, I don't think so.  That is a lot of real estate on your thumb."  "But I have scrap booking this weekend!"  "Okay, but do you want to bleed all over the books????"  "I can't go into your new car with a bloody thumb."  "Don't bleed in it."  Really, arguing is pointless.  The boys called Grant and he is like, "Do I need to come home?"  "No, Grant I am just calling to say, I cut my finger and all is good." 22 years of marriage.  WTF.  Yes, come home.  The boys stay home, and Trina takes me to urgent care.  Grant comes home and gets all the boys to all their sports.  I am in urgent care for 5+ hours.  They do come out initially and wrap me up because they know me.....I only go to places I am known.  They give us snacks at 6pm, not to say that Trina didn't have snacks, water, entertainment, etc.  She really is the one you want in an emergency.  And so we start.....the doc is like, "Well, we can do it this way, but there are complications to that and that way, which is better, but I can't get near your nail...."  I am like, "Okay, doc, here is the deal.....bilateral lung surgery, and trans anal tumor removal.......cut on my thumb low on the pole.....what is best....and just bring it!!!!!"  She looked me straight in the eye and say, "Okay, we will do it this way...."  By the time we got home, dinner was completed, Trina and I had laughed until our sides hurt, and I was ready for scrap booking.  Friday morning came, I went to Fred Meyer for gas and food and off to scrap booking......I got there.  Exhale.  I know the room, I have my roommate minus one, but okay, and I am feeling good until I pull my food out of my bag and my whiskey that I bought for the weekend still had the frickin' lock on it.  I hate self check out!!!!!!  Fred Meyer keeps bringing me to that aisle and I keep saying I hate it and they keep helping me and then this?  Stitches in my thumb and then I can't even get a drink to dull the pain?!?!?!?!  Another scrapbooker went to town and got it fixed for me - bless Karen.  And my weekend was perfect.  I finished up all my scrap booking, I starting on my projects, one of which was for Beth and I.  I had purchased two gratitude calendars for us, but we were never able to put them together.  This scrap booking weekend was BEFORE November, so I did if for both of us.  What I did not realize is that I needed a stamp set to go with it, so the days before I cut myself I was going to all sorts of stores trying to find enough gratitude items to finish them because there was no time to order.  I did, but it was shaky.   I put mine together first.....wow, that was a good idea.  Beth's looks a lot better.....  See, Beth lost her Mom on Thanksgiving.  Beth was taking care of her.  I was the HR Director at the time and she was stressed about keeping her job.  I held a firm stance saying the right thing to do is take care of your Mom.  She knew it and I just protected her.  I told people, time will pass and she will be back.  It was the right thing.  I was hard core on a lot of things, but in the care of babies and family, I was pretty soft.  Everyone loved me for my hard lines, but looked the other way for my soft ones.  I just get it.  Family first.  I knew it from the day I was born and I could have never taken that away from anyone.  Severance on the other hand....yeah, I don't pay people to not work.  NEVER....SERIOUSLY, and everyone knew it.  Anyway, I have always sent her a card or called her on Thanksgiving.  I am sure it is a nuance, but I need to do it and she humors me with it.  I delivered my gift and had a short visit with her which I was so happy for.  She asked me if I made coffee for Joni my roommate....I said, "I do that for all my roommates.  You know that.  That is my thing."  She frowned and we went on......  I got a piece of myself back that weekend.  My boys LOVE their albums, my friend loves her gift, and I bonded, shared, talked politics and loved my weekend with amazing women.  I am better, my finger is better, and the whiskey is gone.

Love, Ang

P.S. Monday I had conferences for both boy and they were amazing.  Nolan's teacher spoken to him like such and adult about his writing and he is taking is seriously and he agreed.  Seriously?!?!?!  He agreed.  OMG.  Ms. Take is a Saint or God, haven't decided!!!!!  Mason's teacher has made him a teacher's aide to help with kids that are below standard and his leadership.  He was the most requested teachers aide.  I may know something about that, but wow, so proud.  Then my neighbor sends me an email about what a great job I am doing with the boys and I am like, "Wow.....if they only knew...."

Last story.....Nolan wanted to get Izze soda in the little frig.  So, he asked me if he could take out a Martinelli's Apple Cider to fit some in.  I was like, "Fine, whatever."  So, he did and then he put the Maretinelli's in the freezer.  Yep.  The freezer.  So, I go out today to get what I need for dinner and ice foam and green glass shards greet me.  Seeing what I saw, I called the boys and explained to them how this happens and now we need to clean it up.  We do.  It includes freezer work, carpet cleaning, sweeping, etc.  Nolan, as the end says, "Well that is not how I wanted to spend my morning!"  I roll my eyes.  They go off to school.  I get home 25 mins after they do.  They have a plan with a friend, I say, be home at 3.  They are not, I am hunting them down, I do, we get to all the appointments we need to.  We get home.  Nolan asked if he can play/watch all the things I do not let him and he continues.  He is almost late for his doc appt playing the game he does not like.  He asked for candy from the pharmacy after the appt and I say, you have to share with Mason.  He does reluctantly, then he is late to soccer playing the game he does not like.  FYI - There is an enormous amount of commentary on all of this....from him.  I drop him off and he says, "So, you are staying because my hip hurts, right?"  I literally snicker and say, "Nolan, the day started like this........after your appt, I even bought you candy and this happened.......and you want me to do you this favor?!??!!   ........well sorry, you can suck it."  No parent award for me.  I am okay with being who I am.  And I got an apology when he got home.  Exhale....I hope I am doing a okay job....only time will tell, but if being a horrible mom makes him a caring man, so be it.  Best, Ang

Bouncing back is not so easy....

I have been sleeping a lot.  I forgot how much cyberknife exhausts you.  I go to bed with the kids and I wake up when they come into our bed to cuddle.  Yes, at least Nolan, still needs a certain amount of cuddle time before the day starts.  So much has happened in our bed....not conception - they were both invitro, so it is quite pure!  When I was really sick, family meetings, games, talks, homework checks, discipline, etc, all happened in my bedroom.  The neighborhood kids are cautious to enter, but sometime they have to also.....but that is not what I am here to say.....

So yesterday I was all, "I am going to do all these errands, I have a scrap booking weekend coming up and need some stuff, we are almost out of soap from Bath and Body Works and I need to go to the library.....So, I start at Fred Meyer and when I get out of the truck someone smiles at me.  I smile back.  I can't see their face.  Fork, I am getting a migraine.  I should go home.  I do not.  I walk up and down the aisles of Fred Meyer collecting things on my list.  Closing one eye and then the other.  I am talking my way through it.....it is just the anxiety....no worries......things are tough right now......just wait for it to pass......I get through the list, checkout, and when I get to the truck, I can see perfectly.  On I go....then, I lose feeling in my left hand.....fork, I am really having a migraine.  I should go home.  So, I head home, but the feeling goes away.  I turn around and keep going.  I make six stops......I get everything I need.  I only end up with a slight headache.  I got home, made dinner which was a new recipe and it FAILED.  I was full on self hating.  I am weak.  I am sub par.  I am not capable.  Poor Grant.  Not the best wife to come home to.

Today, I fed my self hating, but finally had to move.  I have crap to do and I decided that I was going to ride my bike to do it.  I go to Red box and to the school.  I still hate myself, but the ride felt good.  I still feel bad with every breath I take, but it will pass.  The medical bills keep coming and this has been a thin year....getting thinner.  We have had so much happen...kitchen flooding, some ridiculous idea we needed a trailer (which I love), and life with ER visits for all of us but Grant and he is PT which is bloody expensive, and everything else.  I look to the end of the year and I think....we are going to live paycheck to paycheck.....sigh....I have done it before, but I worked so hard to not have that happen, but I cannot do without my prescriptions...which run $700 a month on average, or maybe I can.  NOW BEFORE YOU ALL SEND MONEY....we will be fine.....I will figure it out......I have to move through that I am a burden on my family.....I have to pick myself up (again) and see the silver lining....I have to put my trust in God that there is a message in all of this......(BTW, I did my bible study early this week...which alighned with my situation oddly....there is a sign...).....Only I can do this, no one can help me.  This is between me, my brain, and God.

So, why did I continue in Fred Meyer yesterday?  That is simple.....an amazing friend of mine was rediagnosed with breast cancer.  Susie, who I met in radiation, found it again, herself, and for the first time she experienced a panic attack.  She called me and asked me about it......I replied with, "Yep, you had one....I am so sorry.  They suck."  She asked me what to do and I told her there is medicine, but really it is PTSD....sweetie, you are owed that.....  Everyone will drive her to chemo, everyone will feed her family....but this...this is hard...and that is why I did it.  To show her that is just your mind, not reality.  You dig in... you go anyway... you decide what it real and what is not.  So, my effort to help my friend ended up in self hatred of myself because I was weak.  Double edged sword or just picking myself up again to fight.......and win.  I will be okay...it is a mental game.  Not losing now....seriously.

Love, Ang

Cyberknife DONE!

I graduated today at 11:15.  Now, I just wait.  I will get a scan in the next few months, but I really will not know the full success/fail until 8 months to a year from now.  The treatment went fine, however, I did get the side effects of fatigue and nauseous.  I forgot how tiring it was.  Plus, I was like, "I can do it! No problem!  Let's stop by Costco and Target and Fred Meyer....and frick I am tired....."  It is the kind of fatigue that you just do not care about anything.  Grant and I have managed to keep things going and the boys have been awesome, so I work for a couple hours and then I lay down.  Repeat.  Repeat.  Repeat.  The thing I can't stand is soccer practice.  It is a hour and a half......and Grant is with Mason at Baseball or Hockey.  Nolan is nine.....does he really need to practice for 90  minutes twice a week?  Whatever.  He loves his coach, so we do it but icky.  Also, now, because people are showing up late to games, the team is required to show up 1 hour before the game.  So, now, the same two players that showed up on time before, get to show up 30 minutes earlier and I just can do two hours plus travel right now - so I miss.  So who is being punished?

Anyways, I am fine.  The nausea should subside within two weeks and the fatigue in two months.  TWO MONTHS!  Frick.  The things you forget......

Layin' Low in the Valley....Happy Graduation Day from Cyberknife, Ang

And life goes on....

So, for me, I have had good news.  For my boys, they have started school, riding their bikes, and doing so many "mature" things I have had to stop myself.  "Where did they get that?!?!  Why do they know that?!?!"  Moms talk to me and tell me, "Don't worry about "x", he will be fine.  He has Middle School figured out!"  Pause......wha?!?!.......he hasn't told me.....what the heck?!?!?!  So, then I ask them about their conversation with "X" and they pour out all this information that I had NO IDEA THEY HAD IN THEM.  I am starting to schedule treatment and I am trying to get it so that I will be home for the boys, but they are like, "Mom, we got this.  Do the treatment whenever they can get you in.  That is the most important."  Again, "Who are you?!?!"  I have been juggling treatment, your Dad's business, Grandma and pa, for years now.  When did you get so independent?!?!?!  OMG, you send one kid to Babysitting Class and he thinks he knows everything!?!?!?!?!

School is interesting now.  Things are so much better, but Nolan is experiencing growing pains.  Thank Goodness for the new principal and Nolan is like, "I am so happy there are announcements everyday, but they are done by the VP Monday -Thursday and then the Principal on Friday, but she talks A LOT!!!!"  I respond with, "Is that bad?"  "No, she is VERY INFORMATIVE."  Seriously, the kid kills me......

So, here is the thing.  I think I am the luckiest person in the world.  I could not have kids.....I have kids....albeit that Nolan complains about being frozen ALL THE TIME.  I got terminal cancer, and yet I am still here.  They are 11 and 9.  I wasn't supposed to see past 3 and 1.  Again, they are 11 and 9.  I actually like my doctors.  Seriously, I like them.  I know their histories, I know their struggles, I know what they like, I know what they do not like.....I like them and all the nurses and techs that go with them.  They actually ask about me.......hippa is a bitch, but most people say stuff like, "Well, I saw her here and she seems good!"  Hippa sucks.  Crap, I have a blog.  Really, say anything you want.

Finally, this is for my husband.   Twenty two years ago we made all sorts of promises.  I also remember the promises we made in Issaquah after the picnic when I would not see him until the ceremony.  We agreed on the vows, but we also said that evening, "If you get too fat to leave the bedroom, you can leave and if you cheat.  There was a third, but neither of us remember, so I guess that is okay.  So here goes.....

Grant, you have never left me.  Sometimes, I think I should have left myself.  If things were reversed, I may have left you.  I know you do not believe that, but sadly, you should.  We were young, and healthy.  You loved me like no one ever had.  You have loved me the same ever since.  You are my best friend, you are an amazing parent to my boys, and you have been, really, the only one I could have gone through all of this through.  Sometimes life sucks and there is, honestly, no one I would rather go through it with than you.  You have loved me and I have loved you.  I just hope that is enough.

Here is to treatment and more years, Ang

Rocked it!

Número Uno!  Treatment starts next week!

Happy, Happy Wednesday, Ang

Thank you, thank you, thank you....

First thank your all the thoughts, flowers, food, nail files (that one is actually super special and from HAWAII!), prayers and support.  It truly has been appreciated and, as always, humbling.  I have not left far from home except for one baseball game for the Tacoma Rainiers that we "won" tickets for at Mason's Hockey Association Auction.  We got a tour and photo too....like it?!?!

Anyway, the markers that have healed  have healed and there is nothing I can do about it now.  Other than a couple good knocks from Nolan I could have have been any more still for healing.  Tomorrow I go in to see if they healed in place and will work or if we need to go and put more markers in. Vote/Pray for number one. If it is number one, they will then start my treatment and set up my apppointments etc.

Go number 1!

Happy Tuesday,
Ang

Everything went great.....

I was on my stomach and the tumor was easy to access.  Two needles for the markers they wanted in.  Only two two horrible jabs, but I did not move but my hands just stretched out.  They asked if I was okay and if I needed more drugs after the first and I asked how many more.  "One."  "No, thank you."  45 minute it was over.  The previous marker placement in 2012 was MUCH worse.

X-Rays came back good.... No holes in my lung.  I can go home. No pain meds for the way home, he knows I do not care for them.  Tylenol works if I use it.

So now it hurts like someone stabbed me very cleanly with an ice pick.......twice.  It hurts to move, it hurts to breathe too deep, t, just well, hurts.

Mason and Grant are at baseball, Ms. Anderson just picked up Nolan for the BBQ, and I am going lay here.

More later.....happy Tuesday, Ang

Tomorrow I go....

Tomorrow I go.  Check in at 6am.  Procedure at 8am. It will take between 2 and a half hours to 3.  I totally trust my doc doing it.  He has been with me for a long time.  He did my gold markers before and mentioned to Hank that he was having great success with ablation and I was a great candidate.  Several ablation procedures later, I know him, his kids, funny stories, and, well, I adore him.  Karissa too.  He thought Karissa and I were a couple, until he met Grant.  Karissa, I think, is his favorite.  In one of my first appointments he said, "I have the needle that I will be putting into your chest in my pocket if you want to see it..."  Karissa was like, "I want to see it!"  I agreed, but Karissa was the star.

Here is the truth.  I don't want to go.  This is a grueling procedure.  They put me in a CT scanner.  They map my tumor on my chest, then they pull me out, place the marker, and put me back it to see if they did it well.  I am conscious.  The pain is dulled, but not gone.  I feel the pressure of them going into my chest, it hurts, and while it is not the worst pain I have ever experienced in this journey, honestly, it sucks.  Each marker is the same.  Then they send me home...beaten and bruised and told be rest and be quiet for a few days.  I do not know how you cannot.  It hurts to turn, to bend, to do anything and the stress of "did I do too much" it always there.  The markers need to "heal" in place and if you move too much the fall......

I went to acupuncture today.  I love her.  We have become friends and she connects with me on another level.  I told her I pushed back on this procedure and she told me that she feels better with the markers than without.  She explained all the things that could go wrong and how this is the best way to go.  She helped me with pain today and how to challenge it, how to deal, and how to relax during this somewhat crude procedure.  She comes from a place of feeling, not odds.  It comforts me.

Grant is taking me and Mom is getting the boys.  When I get home, the boys come home and Mason and Grant go to baseball and Ms. Anderson (Kelsey) will take Nolan to the Welcome Back BBQ.  She is not even a teacher there anymore.....and I cry.  How lucky am I?!?!  Meals start to come on the 31st, and my boys will be watched over on he first day of school by my beloved teachers.  I am so blessed - like really, I am not just saying that because for those of you who really know me, I would not say anything I did not mean!!!!  So, life goes on.  My last day of summer was today.  We picked veges from the garden that I will offer to people bringing us dinner, we played volleyball while waiting for my acupuncturist to eat lunch on my demand, and we lived by the river, playing hockey, being in the carpool lane, going to Fred Meyer, and laughing.  This is all I ever wanted and I love it....enough to do the rest.

Happy Monday/Tuesday, Ang

One Heck of a Day....

La la la.....I go into today for my planning appointment and think everything is great.  CT done.  Back support done.  Imagining done, but........the doc in the office (who is SUPER conservative and cautious beyond reasonableness) comes in and says......, "Well, we can clearly see part of the tumor, but we cannot see the other because your liver is in the way.  (Aren't all my organs in the way?!?!?!) So, in this case, we would treat the area, but I believe that the risk of bad pneumonia is far too great, so I think we should do markers."  These are gold markers.  They hurt to put in, they are not guaranteed.  They are honestly, in my humble, but not humble opinion, not worth it over pneumonia.  I have had pneumonia like eighteen times.....seriously?!??!?!  Threatening me with pneumonia?  I would try something like cancer....opps, have that, maybe something mysterious like Guillain-Barre.  Okay. Frick.  Timeline blown again, but.....my ablation doc is also my marker doc.  He has an opening on Tuesday am.  EARLY.  I take it.  Then I have to be very quiet for three days.  Little movement etc, so that they can "heal in place".  So, then they check me on the 7th and we start a week later.  So, here is the interesting part, I have to flip everything.  I can't do anything after the markers are put in.  Then, I can for a bit.  Then, I am in treatment which I now remember the difficulty of that now being still, awake, breathing normally - what the frick is normal?!?!?!, for 55 mins without so much as more than a blink.

So, I am delayed again.....this is fine especially with the odds of 97%, like come on, I would really have to screw something up to not have those work?!?!?!?!?!

Meals are perfect.  I will need them more than ever during the markers and healing. Thank you.  

Happy Weekend, Ang

Things that I have learned since my relapse.....

#1 - Spend more than $6 on replacement toilet seats.  I chose to go as cheap as I could and have spent $4700 in gas returning all the broken ones - okay maybe $12.  The best comment I got was at Walmart with an older woman who said, "Oh dear, we can't have you lopsided on the seat - that doesn't work.  And by the way, I don't sit on those wooden one ANYMORE, one pinched me!"  I can't make this up.  I actually think cyber knife will be easier than all the return and installs that I did with toilet seats.

#2 - Sometimes you just need time and get hammered!  Enough said.  See below.

#3 - People are amazing.  People that care for me - amazing.  I cry once a week.  My neighbors, my friends, my family, amazing.

Things that I am thankful for...

Jamberry because no matter what state I am in, I can have beautiful toes.  I do find them on the cats sometimes which may have something to do with #2.

Friends and family.....they get me.  Sometimes I need time, sometimes I need a stupid movie. Sometimes I need my lawn mowed.  See below.....

So, this weekend, I was SUPPOSED to be dropping Mason off in Kelowna for hockey camp. Because of everything, Grant and I decided that I should stay home just in case they call with an opening.  Friday Grant and Mason leave.  Friday, Beckey, a girlfriend, and I have plans to go out, but I have Nolan.  Mom takes Nolan.  I go out and do #2 - not POOP....God, look above and follow along!!!!  If God can follow this, you can too!  Oh, we also saw Bad Moms AGAIN!  We went to Mexican afterwards.  We sat in the bar, not because we had to, but because we could!  NO KIDS!  I order a Margarita as big as my head.  The guys across were funny....not weird, I was dressed in my grey t-shirt, spandex that has NEVER seen a gym and my hair is still wet.  Just a good time.  Saturday I wake up and I am like, "I drank last night.  UGH."  But there was no one to ask for breakfast, cuddle with me (which I missed, but I didn't....I am a BAD Mom.), I ate breakfast in bed, watched Netflix and petted my cats and slept with my cats until lunch with my Mom and Aunt.  Came home.  Heather, my neighbor/boss/friend/co-padre was leaving town and I am taking care of the house (I always have and I always will), she brings me dinner, dessert, extra stuff.  Okay, but she hugs me.  PAUSE.  Heather's hugs are healing, calm, sweet, and mine.  She loves me and I love her.  Dinner comes and I make pot stickers and Turkish green beans BECAUSE I CAN AND NO ONE WILL COMPLAIN!!!!!  Watch Netflix, play Clash of Clan A LOT, and sleep with my cats.  I LOVE MY CATS.  I wake up the next day and it is cool......thank God, NW people are not equipped to deal with 95 degrees two days in a row.  I get ready (spandex and a baseball cap), I go to Fred Meyer - SHOCKER! - and I come home.  I load up the car with all the stuff from the Garage Sale that I am never going to do anything with, and I ask my neighbors the Manca's, "If any one of your boys wants to make a quick $25, mow my lawn.  Please God.  I don't do that."  Trina sends John.  Okay, he is the Dad.  "Johnny, you are not mowing my lawn for free."  "I was doing mine anyway."  "Johnny, you didn't let me pay for the rug doctor repair."  "Ang, we use your Rug Doctor more than you do."  "FINE."  He edges, mows, and it is even to Grant's standard.  BRAVO.  I harvest some many zucchini, I cannot count.  If you want zucchini, it is on my porch!!!!  I have given them to EVERYONE and not will drop some at the school which I have heard from many sources is in good hands with the new principal.  Corn, beans, beats, butternut squash.  It was amazing and overwhelming.  I still need to do laundry, but that can wait.  But here is the funny part.....when Mom picked me up for lunch, she said, "So what would your Grandmother say about all this?!?!?!"  This is Virginia.  My Grandma.  The only Grandparent that was blood related too and really knew.  I know she loved me.  I know she was proud of me and she gave me good life lessons, BUT this would actually be her version of my weekend......

"Grant was barely out of town before Angela dropped Nolan off at my poor Son's house (Keith).  You know he is struggling especially with Sharon and you boyfriend in Wisconsin!   (My Mom has never had a boyfriend - and least of all in Wisconsin.)  They she was off to the bars and inappropriate movie with her friends!  The next day she did NOTHING except get her neighbors husband to mow her lawn.  There MUST be something between them - probably violating some commandment!"

......despite it all, I have had a weekend off, where honestly, I was wondering what to, but in the end......I enjoyed EVERY MINUTE OF IT!!!!!

Happy Sunday, Ang

Marching orders....

So, I got the call from the scheduler.  She could get me in on Friday the 26th.  Heart sinks.  "Is that the earliest appointment?"  "Yes." "Okay, so what is involved in the appointment?"  "Well, I understand that you are a go getter, so we have scheduled EVERYTHING in that day.  You will know if you need markers, you will know when you can start treatment, etc."  Okay, so I cannot complain, but my treatment is tentatively scheduled for Sept 1st, 2nd, 6th, 7th, and 8th.  FRICK.  September 1st is the first day of school.  I have never missed one and considering I was supposed to miss all of them, it hurt.  "They will never remember...."  "It will be fine....they know the drill...."  "I can be there....."   Pause.......exhale....pause...., but I am their Mom and while I am a pretty bad Mom, they know certain things.......I love them....I will fight for them.....I will protect them.....I will be their greatest ally....I will be the one they call in trouble, but I will not be there.  FRICK.  Mason is prepared.  He told me, "We do what we have to do."  He is eleven.  What eleven-year-old does that in America?  Maybe other countries, but not here.  But I guess, "We do what we have to do."

Sad, but proud,

Ang

Update.....Slower than I wanted, but that is my life....

Today.....today I get a voicemail that we got insurance confirmation.  That is five/six business days from when we started.  I was then told in the voicemail that I would receive a call from the scheduler to schedule everything.  Encoded....my timeline is blown.  I will never get treatment scheduled the week before school is in and I will be in treatment during their first days of school.  Frick.  That has happened before.  I will miss the Welcome BBQ.  I will miss the drop off, but it will be okay because I have a great survival rate of this.  The school had contacted me and because of all the turn over they were like, "So, you do the welcome BBQ?"  and I was like, "No, I am sorry, my President term ended July 1 and I left great notes, also I am in cancer treatment right now, so I cannot commit." The new staff was lovely, but honestly, I am burnt out from last year and if we get no admin support, we are out.  No spirit wear, no science night, no shirts, no spirit, no Scholastic News, no nothing.  I think that is sad, but it is the reality.  You do not work for free forever and I loved it, but when it was a communal sport.

At the same time, I am with my parents and working through their stuff.  They have done an amazing job, but sometimes my Dad is, well, disappointing.  He is impatient, judgmental, and harsh.  I blow it off, but I am not sure my kids can.  On the flip side.....My Grandparents 75% by marriage and not blood, had so many patience with me.  Loved me.  Disciplined me and saw me through that sometimes I yearn for that with my boys.  I hope as we get the garage cleaned out and the Pontiac in action that will change, but I have me doubts.

The meal train is wonderful, but it may need to be shifted, as I may not have treatment then.  I have tons of options for driving me to treatment which I do not need, but they want to do and I am not going to say no, because in reality, it is nice to have someone there with you.

More updates to follow..

Thank you forever...happy Wednesday,

Ang

And then there was Good News...

Okay recap.....3cm tumor in my right lower lobe.  This spot was COMPLETELY stable for over a year and went from NOTHING to 3cm from the March scan to now.  When my cancer comes back it comes back fast.  My rectal tumor did the same thing - gone for years and then between scans went so crazy that I had to get on the table face down fast.  So, here we are again and Hank will probably never let me five months again between scans....that is cancer, when you just get comfortable it sneaks up on you.

I waited all night for a call from the Cyberknife docs on Tuesday.  No one called.  I emailed Hank and he said, wait until tomorrow (Wednesday) and if not call them.  At 8:15 on Wednesday, a schedulers called and said, "I was supposed to call you yesterday and the only spot we have today is 9:25.  You are in Kent, you probably can't make it."  "YES, YES, I can."  Shower off hot mess, dress, pull back wet hair, walk in at 9:26.  I wanted to get there because then if they say no, I have to go to ablation, radiation, etc. etc. etc. and I just want a plan.  I was ready for the "tour of treatment", being told I am amazing, your journey is incredible, you look great (really the bar is so very low), you are so young, I was expecting someone older, Hank admires you so much, Hank is amazing, can you summarize your experience because I could not get through your entire file,  yada yada yada.....thank you, that is nice, very kind, CAN WE JUST FRICKIN' GET DOWN TO THE BRASS TACKS AND TELL ME WHETHER YOU CAN FIX THIS OR NOT?!??!?!  Truly, it is all very nice, but I just need the plan.

So, with my my anxiety NOT in check, the nurse comes in.  "Well, we haven't seen you in a long time! (HUG)  You look great!"  She is a real sweatheart and that she remembered me is nice.  Vitals (BP high - y'think!?!?!), weight, go over the main items, "Okay, the doc will be in.  You will like him."

Doc enters.  Very nice man, late 30s early 40s.  Kind and gentle.  He asks me couple questions and then goes to the computer, "Hank, probably showed you the pictures."  "No, it was too early.  We called for it to be read."  He points to it and I am like, "That thing is m------r f---------g HUGE!"  Luckily, the words stayed in my head instead of bouncing out of my mouth as they very commonly do.  And then it comes, "Cyberknife is the perfect treatment for this procedure.  It was made for this tumor.  Success rate will be in the high 90.  We will mark off your spine, so no implantation of markers (which is the part that hurts).  I am in a little trouble with the front because the insurance is not all figured out yet, but we will do that this week, next week planning, and the following week treatment - just five."  The words washed over me.  The plan is done.  Exhale and exhaustion slowly set in.  We talk a little more and I learned he has three kids under four and I was like, "WOW, you were busy."  (Unfortunately, those words DID fall out of my mouth....)  He laughed and said, "The are all in-vitro."  "MINE TOO!"  Chat, chat, chat and then I pushed him to his next appointment, "You don't have time for this.....GO!"  "I see why Hank likes you."  "GO!"

This week - I do nothing and emails, letters, and opinions fly between docs and insurance.
Next week - planning sessions and mock treatment to see that the machine is programmed properly.
Week of the 22nd - Treatment one hour laying a table with no breaks while a laser moves around my body marking off my spine and hits every single cell in that m------r f--------g tumor.  BYE BYE!!

Thank you for all the love, comments, calls, hugs, and my mom coming over to let me cry while I was holding two phones.  Thank God the boys are off at camp and I have a plan, Thank God Mason will be at Hockey Camp during my treatment because he doesn't handle it very well, Nolan.....Nolan will want to go to the appointment and make all sorts of shooting sounds as sound effects for the machine.  And Thank God for doing everything in my world to keep my appointment.  I was listening (albeit defiantly, but listening).

Many people have mentioned food and help and I think I will be okay.  Mom can take Nolan when I go to treatment and, honestly, there are no side effects.  I may be a little tired and a little nauseous because the laser might hit my liver, but that is it.  And, as usual, I am cleaning my house because that is what I do when it comes back and my carpets are drying as I write.

But, in the off chance you still want to bringing me dinner, I won't say no.....five meals, Monday - Friday week of the 22nd.  Lara Castillo is doing the meal planning email her at  lhosford446@comcast.net.

Love you guys....

Happy Thursday,

Ang

Summer and the bump....

Summer has really been amazing.  We bought a travel trailer - I know - we are "those" people now.  But see, I was always, "those" people.  I liked being those people. We purchased it in late June have have gone on two weekend trips and one full week trip since.  We have plans for Christmas and for Spring Break.  The boys love it.  I love it - but I have to say that is a VERY EXPENSIVE TOILET. And not one I am willing to give up.  Grant has all sorts of plans and so do I.  The boys just love their bunks, their storage, and the fact that I can prepare all their meals unlike road trips.  We store it at my parents and I have to say my Dad is super helpful with charging the batteries, filling the water, etc. He didn't like my first parking of the trailer claiming it was not straight.  I have done better since...apparently.  WHATEVER.  Basketball camp - DONE.  Lacrosse Camp - DONE. Neighborhood Garage Sale where the boys sold there stuff - I did a great job except for Nolan bringing home a six foot cut out of Homer Simpson with his earnings!!!!  OMG - help me!!!  And now, the boys are off to overnight camp this week and I was supposed to be on a sailboat somewhere near Desolation Sound about now, but that was not in the cards for me.  I first was concerned when they scheduled my scan...I was like, "....but if Keith and Deb go, that will be the week."  And, well, it was the week, but the alternator on the boat went out.  No Keith and Deb and sailing.  Then, I had another offer to do something fun and POW, that failed too.  Cancer scan still trumps.  I wanted to cancel it, but at my core, I knew I needed to go.  I was not scared.  I was terrified.  My cancer was back and I knew it.  I showed up late because of bizarre traffic, but we called and they knew.  I got there, did the scan, had tubes out of my arm for lunch and then to blood work.  I actually got to do blood work with, and I say this graciously because truly - I LOVE ALL OF THEM, my favorite nurse.  She is also the nurse that I was with when I tried to die.  The one that would not give me back my glasses because she was crying.  She blames the room....O-K-A-Y.  LOL!  We laughed I asked about her kids in complete detail and she was like, "OMG, how do you remember that?!?!?!"  Chemo/Shemo, you remember what you want.  Then, up to Hank.  NO RESULTS were in, but I had gone to the bathroom 47 times already.  The appointments were too close, but it is me and he makes calls, and they answer and they read the scan early because it is me and I am so loved.  Tumor, right left lobe.  One that we never worried about has grown 3cm in since March.  Other stuff - blah blah blah.  I say that because there is always blah, blah, blah, but my cancer had been gone for more than a year and now it is back.  Blah, Blah, Blah, is stuff I can deal with.  So, the phones start going, and the appointments start being scheduled.  We start with Cyberknife, then to ablation, trying to avoid chemo because my body is still recovering from chemo.  Hank said, "This is just a bump.  You know we will always have to monitor this.  Your tumors show up every once and a while."  I take off my glasses.  I cry a little, he hugs me and says, "If you don't have these, when will I see you?!?!?!"  I smile.  We hug again.  What would I do without him?  The journey continues.....bump.

Ang

Happy Birthday Lara....

This is a post to people you meet along the way....one of them Lara Hosford Castillo.  I got a text a couple days ago that said, "Hey, I am having some friends over on Saturday 2:30.  Would love to have your family stop by."  I am like, "Sure! What can I bring??!"  "Your beautiful face."  Okay, right?!?!?!  I can do that since my face pretty much goes where I go.....OKAY!  I did not know it was her birthday BECAUSE I AM A HORRIBLE PERSON.  I did not know I should bring anything, but I did bring wine BECAUSE I AM A HORRIBLE PERSON.  And I show up with my crew with no present, so nothing, but a bottle of wine and say, "It is your birthday?!?!!" because.....remember.....I AM A HORRIBLE PERSON.  But here is what I love......Lara and I met at a breakfast YEARS ago.  We went because it was the first day of school.  Then some moms went to a movie, but Lara was seated across for me at breakfast.  My cancer came up and Lara, confused at all get out was like, "So, you okay?!?!....So, I do not get this, you okay?!?!?!"....."So, this sounds bad....you okay?!?!"  I finally looked at her and said, "Laura (I didn't know it was Lara), I am as okay as I will ever be.....I am terminal, so I will die of this but today is good, so I go with it."  And with that she was fine.  Still a little confused, but fine.  Three months later we were walking into a PTA meeting and I said, "Look, you are my kind of girl, and if you will be my Treasurer, I will got for President.  But if you say no, I am out."  She looked at me the same confused that she was when she heard by diagnosis and said, "O-K-A-Y".  And so it was.  A friendship formed not by mutual interest, but by necessity.  I had NO IDEA how much I would grow to love her.  As time went on, we went through some real crap.  She backed me and I backed her.  Never a question, never a doubt.  We were each others rock.  Lara was a person I never doubted and when people said to me, "She is a real stickler."  I was like, "That is why I chose her."".  We never, and I mean never, doubted each other.  You don't come across that often.  And I certainly do not take it for granted.  She adores me and I adore her even when I say, "NOBODY IS GOING TO NEELY!!!!"  She and Sonia will get that.  Even when I am I dead fast with my choice and not hers.....she backed me and I backed her.  I could not have asked for a better copadre.  One day our first year, when we were setting the boat straight, she came to my house and gave me a gift certificate to Red Robin.  She hugged me a cried and said, "You do too much.  I want you to take care of yourself.  Please just go to dinner and then on vacation and REST."  I do not take direction from many, but we went to Red Robin that night and it was an amazing start to our vacation. Poor girl,  I loved her so much, I invited myself to her WEDDING....no lie....her WEDDING.  I was like, "I just want to come, and go, but I fly out that day and I promise not to be a bother....."  What it turned into was I was the Patron getting person (slave)  in the inner sactom and I had a blast with Maurine buying a cute black dress and handing all my clothes to Maurine in a pile.  Yes, there was a ,lot of drinking.  We did not leave the hotel and Maurine got tan and I, just well, burned.  The fact that we did not leave the hotel was weird, but okay under the circumstance, but we did change rooms after being next to the recycle center that runs 24/7.  Long story.....OMG and that was an upgrade.....

So, HAPPY BIRTHDAY my friend.  When I left, she said, "You can't get rid of me." and I thought, "THANK GOD."

Happy Sunday, Ang

PTSD....

While I do not compare myself to those that have had horrible war experiences, I do experience moments of PTSD.  I do not look for it, it just happens.  Sometimes, I know it will and I choke it down.  I do so for the better of others and to help them, but sometimes it sneaks up on me in every day life.

On Monday of this week, I was planning on meeting my aunt at her cabin.  It is in Plain, Wa.  She has had it since 1992.  Longer than I have been married, and the place that Grant can sleep for hours on end.  I packed up the boys and I and we headed out.  This had been planned for a long time.  My Aunt has to schedule her vacation like a bazillion weeks in advance.  What I did not realize is that the last time I was there, ONLY WITH MY AUNT AND THE BOYS, was the weekend I came home and Grant told me I had cancer.  We have been there since, but with different combinations.  Me with Karissa, me with Jane, etc.  No one let me travel by myself.  When I realized it, it was spooky.  Yep.  Spooky.  I was down at the beach at the river with both of my boys.  Last time, Donna had Nolan and he was screaming.  Now, he is swimming in the river, picking up rocks and throwing them into a pile.  The temperature is the same, but it is nine years later.  My baby is grown up.  He is with me from the time that I was so exhausted that I could only take Mason to the river.  The flashbacks come.  Grant telling me.  Me walking away from him.  Disbelief.  Belief.  Pain.  Suffering.  So much suffering.  So much pain.  Chemo.  Radiation.  Surgery.  More surgery.  More Chemo.  Ablation.  More surgery.  And more surgery.  And then, the sound of the river.  The comfort of the new beds in the loft.  Cooking.  Adventures with the boys and my aunt around Leavenworth.  Movies.....OMG...so many movies....and then the ride home before the 4th of July rush.

And now it is 3:50 in the morning and I am going to bed.  Laundry is almost done.  Dishes clean.  No chemo, surgery, radiation in my near future........what nine years can do......I love the sound of the river.

Happy Friday,

Ang

What a week....

Sorry....this is a long one....get a drink.....coffee is fine.....gin is better....

School ended on Friday the 17th at 11:53.  By the time I got there, I was so ready for it to be over.  It is for so many reasons.....by that time, I knew we were losing out new principal, but petty sure we were well on our way to losing our Vice Principal, Office Manager, and at the very least four teachers.  I have been in HR enough to know that we are not ripe for the picking.  And, one of our old Vice Principals is in charge of a school in Federal Way.  Great.  Would I do the same thing?  You bet.  And it is happening.  Who wants the heartache?  Who wants the challenge?  Who wants to deal with yet ANOTHER NEW PRINCIPAL?!?!?!   They are all jumping ship.  I just needed a break.  We took off from school with lunches for the boys in the car and drove straight (with one stop) to Pasco where we went there our "new travel trailer" orientation.  It took one hour and we conveniently had one hour in the store.  We had a $225 credit because Grant rejected the bike rack we got with the trailer, so we went crazy!  As we were leaving, the woman at the front said, "You have such great energy.  So positive.  So bright."  I get this a lot.  Grant and I have been getting it for years.  Us, together, traveling have always brought people to us.  "Are you lost?"  "Do you need a room?"  (They are like calling us down the street.......and we do.)  "Can I assist you?"  This is minus the time Grant had a fit in the middle of the streets of Montreal about Mason getting a Canadians' Hockey Jersey.  Everyone politely ignored his "Ontarioness" that day.  I thanked her and told her, "Is there another way to be?"  She replied with, "Uh, yeah, but I don't think you got it."  We left with all the essentials and off to the campground a frightening 10 miles away.  I drove.  We got there while several of the employees waved at us on the drive.  I told Grant I wanted a "drive thru" spot, no backing up for this girl tonight.  We parked and practiced all our stuff. I microwaved the hot dogs from the BBQ last night and forgot ALL THE CONDIMENTS.  So, there was onion dogs and chips for dinner.  YUMMY.  Fail.  Breakfast was simple, but there was no yogurt for Grant - fail.  Lunch was at Fred Meyer in Yakima where Grant was like, "We can park there!" and I am like, "I am parking here."  First night a RV park, second night National Forest.  So, we pull off the road and Grant is like, "Okay, it is up here, I think, but what if I am wrong....."  The road gets narrower and narrower and rougher and rougher (which is NOTHING compared to what my Daddy took us on....) and he starts to get really nervous.  I look at him and say, "Dude, this is like NOTHING to me.  I got this.  My Dad took me on bad roads with a 2000 foot drop on the side."  Then I was all, "Yay, look, this is nice (forgetting I had a trailer.......)" and all the boys are like, "TREE!!!!!"  Oh, yeah, that is close, but I didn't hit it!  By the end of the weekend and backing out of the campsite, out of my neighborhood, and into my parents, Grant and I have it down.  See, we met before we both had cell phone, messages on board were normal, and you had sign language.  We get each other and I love that.  He will drive soon, he just needs to watch a little more, but he is getting really good at the backing me up stuff.  The only think our trailer needs is extended mirror and a sign on the back that says, "I CANNOT SEE YOU......LIKE AT ALL......FOLLOW AT YOUR OUR RISK!"  I understand that some of my sweet friends and neighbors were taping my backing up the neighborhood, so that should be posted soon.  It will be pretty funny!

Monday - My boys and four other boys all that went to preschool together went to Kentridge Basketball Camp together this week and we all took turns taking care of them (except one couple that feels so guilty I am rubbing it in....simply because I do not care!)  They go until 12 and then they have adventure with all of us for the afternoon while other families are working.  Monday and Tuesday I am off, wow, I was running around getting stuff for the trailer, running errands, going to the library (yes, I still read real books), Fred Meyer, Target, Walmart (who has an amazing amount of travel trailer stuff ONLINE - how is that helpful?!?!), learning Camping World and the "Academy of Take My Money" of the Travel Trailer front.  Then, Tuesday pm I got sick.  You know, something hit my sensitive colon that said, "BAD."

Wednesday - I was picking up all the boys.  I had to work for my parents on Wednesday too.  They are trying to sell their Travel Trailer.  You ask, "Why did you not take theirs?"  I reply with I did not feel comfortable towing the Taj Mahal behind our truck.  Take their truck.  Really.....have you driven that thing.  I have - I am the only other one he lets drive it.  It is a monster.  Plus, I really wanted a shorter, more off road worthy trailer with bunks for the boys.  My parents was a retired trailer with a lot of tvs and seats.  No bunks.  So anyway, my understanding was that they were going to have it totally cleaned out, washed, and ready to go at the bottom of the drive.  NOPE.  Mom got vertigo being in the trailer.  They had have of it cleaned out and then, guess what, I got to do the other half of the Taj Mahal by myself. with the queen bed falling on my head the entire time.  Nice feature in the new trailers - they don't fall on your head.  So, I do it, then I clean it.  Done.  The place that they bought it from is picking it up between 10-12.  It is 10:30 and we are all sweating.  Mom is mad, Dad is frustrated, I am like, "What the heck?!?!"  They call...we will be there closer to noon.  Yay.  I have to leave to get the boys and I say, "David is coming.  It will be fine.  Just trust the process."  I go.  I get the kids.....no one wants to go to the zoo, we go home and they play basketball, go to the river, play inside, fight, play, and finish.  And I start my regime for surgery on my esophagus the next day.  This was not part of the plan, but scheduling is so awful that I could not postpone the appointment.  Grant offered to work from home and help and drive and it was great.  The next two days are a hoot....

SIDE NOTE:  On Wednesday morning, one of the parents drops her boys off and then sends me this text, and I quote...

"Hi.  Yellow bag has their lunches, a jacket for XXXX, and $20 in the side pocket if needed.  Please put sunblock on their faces, necks, arms for the zoo.  Sunblock is in the bag.  Also in there is XXXX's baseball uniform.  Can you remind him to get dressed in it (except shoes) before I get there?  We need to run straight to practice.  God I am high maintenance!"

I read this to all the boys and responded with....

"Gotcha.  I give away the sunblock because it is for wimps, $20 is for beer, and XXXXis to be naked with his shoes on at 4:45."

Her response, "Perfect."  She knows me too well......I took the $20 and put a Rainier Beer in its place.  The boys were rolling.  Then, at pick up, they told her what was going on.....OMG, clearly, they do not get a running joke.....

Okay, Thursday, I have four of the six and it is 8:12. I have to leave at 8:20 to get the other two and get them to camp.  My Dad calls.  I enthusiastically ask, "How was yesterday?!?!"  My Dad, in a downward voice says, "It was fine, but I do not trust this Paul."  Okay, FYI, I have had nothing but lovely conversation with Paul and David, and all the people at Baydo's in Fife.  He goes onto this conversation of how Paul is not even looking at the trailer and giving him a price, he can do it on consignment for nothing and that was good and how he doesn't trust Paul because he didn't even look at the trailer before he gave him a price.  So, now for those of you that have worked with older people, it ALWAYS turns into a circular discussion.  Quite honestly, I do not like working with the elderly, yet I get to ALL THE TIME.  I took care of my Grandmother (still sorting her stuff in my garage because my Dad will not do it), I am now taking care of my parents, and I am pretty sure I have an aunt on the way.  On the third cycle, I was like, "Dad, this is NOT my top priority today.  I have six boys to get to Basketball Camp, I have errands to run, and then I get to go under general anesthesia at 2:00, so they can band varacies from my esophagus.  I  have to go."  He said, "I honey, I am sorry.  I didn't know."  He did.  "No one told me."  We did.  "Good luck.  I love you."  I cried.  The poor boys said nothing......XXXX just said, "Families are hard."  I love XXXX.  More than he knows.  Read all his books in Preschool.  I was so sick, I think I was the only that had time.  I still remember them.

Got to the hospital - they were running late (as usual).  People are starting to remember me and my Mom.  They are complimenting her a lot.  Others in the surgery room are asking how I am doing. They tell the other nurses what a great story I am.  I give the short, short version because I am out soon and I fall asleep to, "Oh my God, I am so happy for you........"

I wake up.  I am okay, but my chest hurts a lot.  I know if I say anything they will make me stay.  I get dressed.  I go with my Mom.  I help another woman out with how to work the parking machine while she is complaining about being rescheduled and she lives in Mountlake Terrace.  My Mom is looking cross eyed at me and I am like, whatever......she doesn't know.  We get home.  Mom goes to get me a vanilla milkshake and I am uncomfortable.  I can't get comfortable.  I call to Grant, "I am making dinner....can it wait?!?!?!"  Clearly I do not have trained like the medical staff at Swedish....NO, my pain is at a 9 which is unheard of for me, so get the frick up here."  He says, "Take whatever you need.....you never need pain meds.  I take 2 Tylenol and an anti-anxiety pill.  I do not want to call the docs tonight.  It is just pain.  If it continues, I will call tomorrow.  I was blissful until Nolan came in and jumped on me.  One Advil more....done for the night.

Today has been okay.  A little pain and my good friend picked up her kids and made me laugh too much and made me hurt, but in the best way I know.  So, it is Friday.  Did I get everything done?  No.  Lara, I am sorry, I did not get to the bank.  Juliet, I am sorry, I did not get to Denali.  I will try Saturday and Monday.  The good news is they got all the varicies and I do not have to go back until January.  I missed Nolan's first Tournament Game of this weekend, but he told me all about it.

So here is what I have learned, I am happy that my sons survival depends mainly on his family, because we are secure, have good friends, and a solid foundation.  I was not supposed to be here after 2007, but I am and I taken advantage of it everyday with friends, family, and my community.  Gotta say my school community is in a really bad place and because of all the crap that they have thrown me (Administration, not my school) I have little trust and am losing patiences.  I will give it another 1 to 3 years.  Not so much for me, but for my "low income, "Kentistan", we can't possibly be educated enough to know what we need (based on the interviews I just wet through) attitude that the Kent School District Administration just had and disregarded everything the community had to say. "   No worries, you see, I have options.  Others don't.  I wanted to represent all of our community, but if they do not represent us, I am out.  That may make some happy.......oh well, I am not will to sacrifice my children for someones career ladder, issues, power issues, etc.  They are my babies.  I worked hard to have them and I worked harder to raise them, but apparently, I don't matter, because, well, I am not in the right zip code.

Life is complicated and I wish it wasn't.....thanks Kent School District.

Ang

My Birthday Week, Nolan, and not so graceful parenting.....

It started fun and then Tuesday both boys woke up green.  "I am pooping A LOT!!!!"  "I started pooping a lot at Grandma's!"  Needless to say, we stayed home.  They ate almost nothing and slept a lot.  Wednesday eating back to normal, still some napping.  Thursday, we are back to school. Thursday was my birthday, but Grant brought me my flowers, card, and ice cream cake on Wednesday. We are having a crazy baseball week.  Three game in four days.  Grant told the boys to write out/make a card for me.  Mason did.  Nolan gave me the pictured.

I should tell you that I have been taking a "Grace Based Parenting Class."  This meant to me in this moment, I should kill him "Gracefully." Funny funny ha ha.  Not really.  Okay, back to it.  I had to explain to him that I stopped their allowance because it is a performance based system and since there had been NO PERFORMANCE there is no money.  Usually I will give them $3 just for breathing and going to school, but not for crying about how much homework they have, NEVER making their beds, the cats are living in squalor, etc.  "What is squalor?"  My response, "Do not worry, you are about to know...." In addition, I said, "I have just stayed with you for two days, sought and provided your every need, and this is your response on my birthday?!?!?"  In addition to that, I do not want presents!!!!!!!  I want a card.  I got a card.  On my birthday proper, it was a super busy day, Bible Study Brunch, pick up Clifford Costume, drop at school, Student Leadership meeting, Baseball at 4:00.  At 3:00, I am exhausted.  In the truck, we discuss how Mason is getting dressed for baseball and Nolan will do his homework.  Nolan has also decided that he does not want to go to baseball but Family Health Night at school.  What happens.....they both get out of the truck, play outside until Mason comes in stomping and pouting about Nolan.  Then Nolan comes in and they are both talking and crying at each other about how the other one gets their way all the time, etc, etc. etc.  Apparently, siblings do this all the time - what do I know about it?!?!?!  I start conflict resolution on them, but apparently, it just turns to the most ridiculous crying, insult flying, self promoting crap fest ever,.......clearly, I should have repeated the rules AGAIN.  Then, I was just, "Nolan, do your homework.  Mason go outside." Grant comes home, gets briefed, get Mason and I stay home with Nolan as we are going to the Family Night at school.  I check Nolan's homework of which he states, "You are wrong.  I do not want to be here.  I want to go to the beach.  I don't like Mason.  etc. etc. etc."  While I am still trying to come up with graceful ways of wringing his neck, I just grab my purse and leave.  I wanted pizza, but I was going to Family Night, but NOT ANYMORE.  I am doing what I want on my birthday.  Yes, I left my nine year old at home.  I said, "I will be back with what I want to do for dinner tonight."  When I got home, Nolan was so nice and I was just like, "Why are you being nice now?!?!?!  Nolan, I can't take it."  The evening got worse from there.  We never made it to Family Night or Baseball.  I ate A LOT of pizza on my couch with a martini and refused to speak to anyone.  No one was following my protocol for dinner where my silence was broken (too bad for them) and the "easy ways to dispose of latex paint by drying it on a tarp and throwing it away" turned into the tarp flipping over paint on my driveway and on the grass, too big to fit in my garbage, and me infuriated.  Still mad, I then asked Grant why he can't fill the paint hole or is that, "A weekend project?!?!?!"  That did not put us in a good place, but I do not have weekend projects, my entire life one never ending project of taking care of Mason, Nolan, and Grant.  It is 24/7, 365 even when I have doctors, low tire pressure, paint to dry, toilets to clean, PTA, Student Leadership, laundry to do, etc. etc.

Then, I went to bed.  This morning I talked to Nolan and said, "What will it take to make you happy?  You don't like living here, you don't like your room, you don't like playing with Mason, you don't like that we go mountain biking, you say we can't play soccer properly, Nolan what?!?!?!  If you had three wishes, what would they be?"

Nolan's wishes:

1.  Teach him how to set his alarm clock.
2.  Nolan and Mommy day EVERY week.  This was negotiated down to a date every week.  Nolan clarified it is not the kissing kind.  Check.
3.  Couldn't think of a third.

"And this will make you happy?  No more negative statement, no more complaining about EVERYTHING from food to our cars, no more complaining about soccer, hockey, baseball, track, and basketball (two of those are his....), no more no more?

"Yep."  "Deal."

Here is being graceful,

Ang

Just an update, but what a whirlwind.....

Life has been going as life goes.  Things were busy last week - two student leadership events and then Mason.  I say "Mason" because he has been having a tough time at school.  Behavior in the class is a bit crazy and Mason does not like the horns on the last day of school, so a noisy classroom is horrible for him.  He goes under his desk.  He refuses to come out.  He finally does, but is excused to the ramp outside the portable.  I do not know what to say about the rest, but it lead us down a path of seeing if he was suicidal.  From every account and from every resource, he is not.  He now however has all the crisis hotlines in his notebook for him, or for anyone else.  Not the best week, but I had to go on.  Every week I have also been experiencing mini migraine headaches.  Rather than days, they last a couple hours and I am tired for the rest of the day.  They are not horrible, but I can't drive and I am scared to leave home.  Weird.  So I am home a lot and I remember that they had adjusted a new medication to lower my heart rate further so that I would not burst a varicies (sp).  Remember....."It would be a shame for you to bleed out after everything we have done comment?"  So, I contact the docs.  They both freak out a little and I am like, "I think it is the medication.  I am not at death's door.  I have done that....definitely not there."  They lower my dosage back down and tell me to stay in touch.  I will, but all will be fine. I am sure it is the medication.

At the same time of all of this, we get involved in something we were planning on PRE KITCHEN flood.  A Travel Trailer.  One is used that we like and we get down to making an offer and if was not accepted.  Oh well.  I have SUPER fond memories of camping in the camper with my family and friends.  I know just enough to be dangerous and, like my Grandma, I want what I want and if not, I do not want it.  Seems that Travel Trailers are such emotional purchases and they all just prey on your emotions.....I have none.  It is a fun game.  Funny part is that, again, I am looking at used and economical and Grant is finding "new" at an "extremely fair deal".  Roll eyes.....he is going to get something else new....AGAIN.  Time will tell.....

So, medication adjusted, Grant spending money like water and wanting to go on a road trip for his 50th birthday and park in front of Sandy's house in Toronto for the mileage of it all, and boy important stuff, I am busy and tired and praying and hoping and wanting to put a blanket over my head.

This has to work out, right?!??!

Happy Thursday,

Ang

OMG - I got my table!!!!

Officially the kitchen is done.  Pictures to follow.  The last few days have been filled with craziness, and heartbreak.  I am good.  Honest.  But not everyone in my situation is.

Monday....I am getting ready for the week.  I am in the middle of cleaning the house.  I used to be able to do it in one day, but those days are gone.  I did floors today.  Bathrooms and kitchen were yesterday.

Tuesday....I am supposed to dust.  I do.  I hate it, but yikes, really?!??!  Why does that much dirt come into your house?!?!?!?  Tuesday PM - there is water underneath my sink..........FRICK....PTSD is kicking in....text my contractor.  Nolan and I get the table, chairs, and potato and onion holder.....yay.

Wednesday at 7:47, plumbers show up.  Really?!?!?!  I was told 8 to 8:30.  I am in my robe and my plumbers are relentless!!!!!  Jim was like, "You should see my puppy, but you are in your robe." and Eric was like, "I heard you have a skunk and a possum in your crawlspace."  Anyway, they fixed it and I told them to never come back and I know they will.  WHATEVER.  I love them.

So, this week is busy.  Then Nolan tells me he is sick on Wednesday.  Stomach problems.  But, as soon, as school starts he is FINE.  Really.  Well, stay in your bed and not video or tv.....really?!?!?!  Yes.  Really.  I had SO much to do today and Nolan screwed it all up.  BUT, I did teach him things like, "how to refurbish a wood piece" and "how to "perk up" a lawn area piece, but really?!?!?!? "

So, here I am.  I have done all my work, but then I screwed up my PTA Council Budget because I was in the wrong year?!?!?!?!  OMG.  I suck.  I love my President....she is really nice and supportive, even when I suck.  Anyway, I am going to review it in the morning and send it off.  I hate software.

I was at school for an amazing museum of inventors on Tuesday.  I will be there for Bingo for Book on Thursday also where I just got bags for the kids that "win" so many books for the summer reading program.  FYI - PTA got all the books 3500-4000 of them.  I have been put in charge of Student Leadership and they now are proving so strong and able......it makes me misty.....they are my kids......

Be advised that all the above is noise.......On Tuesday, I was at school and I was idle....I know, right?!?!?!  So I was reading the walls of the school and there was a wall of, "What I want to solve in the world...."  I read the different responses...all sweet and real and then....."I want to solve cancer."  Author, Nolan Hainsworth.  Pause.  Exhale.  Breathe.  Seriously?!?!?!  FRICK.  Pause.  Exhale.  Pause.  FRICK.  When is this going to leave us?!?!?!  He never mentioned anything to me.   A couple days later I talked to Nolan about it.  Nolan was like, "I want to be your oncologist."  I was like, "Nolan, really think about this.  I know you would make an amazing surgeon, but I an not sure you could do the oncologist route.  Hank could talk to you.  I know he would.  He loves you."  (How lucky am I?!?!?)  "Nolan, surgery right now is like video game on humans."  "OMG MOMMY!  That is awesome!!!!"  Lets remember that Nolan wanted to be a surgeon and cut people up and then leave them when he was two also, remember...he wanted to go into the armed forces...this is a win for a mama!

So, there you have it.  I thought life was all about what happens next and it is really in someone else's hands.  It hurts when I see my boys hurt, but I chose this path of honestly and clarity.  People die.  Mason is so comfortable with this he is like, "When this house is mine and Grandma and Grandpa die..."  and I am like, "Mason, better to plan on your own than plan on our death...." I was supposed to die before 2/16/2009.

Happy Wednesday,

Ang

Lots to catch up on....

So, lots has happened.  Mason has been released to "full duty" as long as he feels well.  I have been to released to want what I want which is typical, yet not understandable.  Sweetly, he wears a batter helmet when he is on base.....for me.  And Nolan, well, Nolan is just sad.  Let me explain.....

Mason is doing great, but sometimes, he is overwhelmed.  This is the tricky part.  He wants to do Baseball, Track, and everything in between.....really?!?!?!  You have a concussion.  While predicted it was mild, still a concussion. At the Jamboree on Saturday, Mason was playing Catcher, and he got hurt.  Because I am who I am, I wasn't paying attention when he got hurt.  All the guys were laughing and I was like, "Did he hit his head?!?!?!?"  One of Mason's best friend's Dad's said, "Ang, It was the other head."  PROBLEM SOLVED!!!!!!  I must have looked like a real bitch, but he is my boy and Grant already decided that he could play outfield without a helmet.  I guess I have to relax, but how can you.  I am the mama.

Nolan had is last game with the buddies he has been playing with forever.  I/we were sad but the age range is changing this year and there is no guarantee he would be with them anyway.  Nolan is a February baby and everyone else is  the year before.  He was so sad on the way home.  "This is the year that changed everything."  I was like, "Wha?!??!  You will see him in tournaments, other play etc.  We cannot help the field of play."  "Really?!?!?!  Well, I guess I will see him in a year...."  I was like, "Well, you are going to see Owen in August.  Try not to be such a downer!"  We can see Rayden.  OMG.  It is not like his is moving away....what the heck?!?!?!  Since then, he has been picked for the 2007 A team.  He is so excited he agreed to summer tournament and practices....he has NEVER done that.  I am happy for for him and hope it is all that he wanted.

So, this is real life.  The other part is PTA, figuring our that part.....I REFUSE to break the rules yet I do not want it to die.  Tomorrow my PTA for Neely meets to discuss next year.  Interesting is all I can say....

Grant and I had a sit down and I said, "I do not want to get a job.  Our lives would just be chaos."  "Okay.  Ang, we will figure this out.", Grant said.  "I can live on less.  I have lived on nothing.  Freezer is full.  We will be okay.", I said,.    HOWEVER, it was nice to have people think I was going back to work and interested in me.  I was worth something.  I was good, but I have to focus on my family.  I always knew this was my duty.  When I was engaged to Grant I said, "You are the last of six.  I am the only Granddaughter, Niece, and Daughter.  I can't leave anywhere but a nonstop fight from our home."  He was okay with that.  Grant.....the only guy I have ever known to be able to get me through all this crap.  Funny thing is that a lot of people look at the family when it comes to marriage.  Grant....well, on the outside has not much to offer, but they love me....and lately, I think more than him.  Especially since I was there for the 90th!!!!!    hehehehehe.  When we were married our Pastor said, "These two have NOTHING in common but values."  As I cry, I think, OMG, is that all we needed?!?!  Infertility, Cancer, Aging Parents, oh yeah and Nolan......I love him, but wha?!?!?!?!

And then there are my parents....so, I take care of them every week.  We plot and plan for the next week so that they can comfortably stay in their house.  We have made GREAT strides since September.  Things are organized, Mom is doing amazing, Dad is accepting of his situation, and I get lunch.  However.......I love my parents, but really their problems are so, well minor, compared to others.  I walked in the other day and they were having a fight about a hot water facet.  "Did you get the serial number!?!?!?!?!"  I was rolling my eyes like, "Wha?" My parents have worked hard all of their lives to have an easy retirement.   I am not sure they know what that looks like.....cause they have it.......WHATEVER!!!!!

Anyhoo, I am tired, laundry is going and I have a Board Meeting tomorrow that I have to prepare for.  Here is to life......with cancer....with aging parents....with a business that is sometime vulnerable, and with us.  We got this.  Happy Sunday.

Love, Ang

Just an update.....

Mason is doing well, BUT he has been dizzy.  No headaches or fatigue (but he is sleeping more than normal), but dizzy.  We are moving forward CAUTIOUSLY.  The school has been AMAZING.  I finally talked to the Recess Teacher that called it in.  She was so clear, "Ang, I saw it happen and his head folding into the other boy and I called for 911 and a nurse."  No question, no evaluation, no anything.  THANK GOD.  I love my school.  I love the care they give to each child.  SIDEBAR:  So, this is how I feel and I KNOW that they apply the same care to all students, yet in the election for a new school in the "Kent Valley" it was stated that, "Why should I invest in Kentistan?!?!?"  And something along the lines of they are not "real" Americans.  PAUSE.  I invite ANYONE to my school.  I challenge ANYONE to our education.  Let me take you on a tour and show you "Kentistan" and see if you do not fall in love with us......real or not.  Needless to say, our bond in failing.  The first in years to fail and I can only attribute it to the hate.  Shame on you.  Really shame on you.

I ran the last of the fundraisers for the year last week......Clothing for the Cause.  I hope we did well.  Funny thing while I was hangin' out at school, I asked the sixth grade teachers, "Is there a sixth grade camp this year?"  Quickly they answered with, "Not unless you are running it?!?!?!"  "Nope!  Thanks - I just wanted to ask because remember, I am leading Student Leadership since no one else would (at no charge) and they were really upset.  Just wanted to check to see if it was true."  They went on about how I should do sixth and fifth grade camps.  Sonia chimed in with some borderline comments, but it was all in fun.

Maybe people still do not understand....I would love to send the kids to "real" sixth grade camp, or even fifth grade camp, but PTA has supported so many things it is almost impossible to imagine.  We are the, and I have researched, the only PTA to pay for Scholastic News etc., snacks during testing, scholarships to special programs, etc.  We do so much "operational" stuff, there is no time for extra.  In addition, my team is leaving me because their kids are graduating Elementary and I will be left with less than three volunteers.  My term is over and yet no one, seriously, no one has come forward to help (other than Box tops! - YAY!).  I guess I am sad so sad, Lara and I really tried to make a PTA that was solid, accountable, and ready.  Now, our terms are over, and we look to shutting it down because we may not have the officers to run it.  Sure, I would do sixth grade camp if I did not have spirit wear for two schools, budgets for two schools, yearbook, BBQ, open house, PASA, bookfair, Scholastic News, Teachers Meals for two schools, Teacher Appreciation for two schools, Math Night, Movie Night, Bingo for Books and Student and Regular Leadership.  BTW, I get paid zero pay.  Zero.  And I used to have to pay for child care to attend meetings.  I guess the joke is on me.  I thought I was contributing.  I thought I was building towards another reign, but I guess I was not.  It does not matter anyway.  I will probably have to go back to my real work.  I have been well for a while.  Cancer seems to be a bay (still have to the two spots, but they are not doing anything) and Grant may need my help.  He loves me home, but if the business is slow, I have to put food on the table.  That is the trouble with a one income family.  So, I will resign my positions, I will go back to work, and I will be like all the rest of the parents.  Too busy.  Overworked, and well, unavailable.  That makes me sad, but at the same time, I should get paid for my work - my parents invested a lot in my education.....but still, I morn it...I love hangin' out at my school - working together.  I love being the parent that they can call last minute, but that comes at a cost and maybe with all that is happen in my family, we just can't do it.  It is funny, I was looking at jobs and my boys were like, "You can make that much?!!?!"  I was like, "Who did you think I was?!?!?!  I chose to work at a non-profit, I had offers twice a month for double my salary, but I wanted to work there and I wanted kids.....meaning you.....so it was not fair to start something I could not finish."  This may have been a good exercise for my boys......

This was a tough week.....things will be determined in this week......I hope I like it......

Love, Ang

Emergency Room Trifecta - check.....

So, the last few day have been good, roof is finally done.  Yes, like the entire roof is on my house.  I do longer am the "questionable neighbor".  Grant and I (and the boys) have been doing tons of yard work and it is getting so cute.  Yesterday, I had one last thing to get - a hanging basket at Costco.  I am at Costco have a few items and my basket and get a call from school.  "I need to you to come to school.  Mason and another boy hit each other and I just need to you to come to school."  I was like, "Mason hit someone?!?!?!? (thinking fight)".  "No, not like that, they were playing and the ran into each other."  WHEW.  I really never thought I would have that conversation about Mason.  Nolan, well that is different, I am waiting for the call.  "Okay, I am coming."  I get to checkout and am in the middle and I get another call, "Where are you?"  "Costco."  "Okay, we had called 911 just to be safe, but they are going to transport him to Valley.  You are closer there, just go to Valley and take a deep breath."  I had stopped breathing and the whole world stopped.  I don't really know what happened after that, but I was checked out and in the truck.  I beat them there - shocking.  The Vice Principal was with him.  He was in a brace and on a back board.  I couldn't touch him at first.  I just hugged the Vice Principal and looked at him."  He was fine - all thumbs up and everything.  Happy, but uncomfortable.  They were playing kick ball and they ran into eat other Mason's head to that kids check (he is a big kid) and Mason lost consciousness.  He then had some tingling in his leg and the staff thought better to be safe than sorry.  NOTE - Being an older parent sometimes works against you.  If this would have happened to me in elementary school, they would have checked my pupils, saw if I was bleeding from the ear and told me to walk it off.  How many concussions did I have?!?!?!  After a couple hours, the tests and exams were done.  They went into the big long thing about how them would like a CT scan of the head and back and were all worried about me saying no because of radiation.  Clearly, they had no idea how they were talking to.  I was like, "Do it.  I don't have a problem with the radiation."  The tingling in his leg was gone and we left with no neck injury, but a concussion and the longest list of things he cannot do.....again, remember me, "WALK IT OFF!"  This thing goes on for a page and a half.  Mason was sad as we were going over it, but understood.  When we got home, Nolan was so excited to see him and quickly ran to his backpack and said, "Mason, look!  We can ride bikes to school!"  Silent pause and then they tears came and sobbing started, "But, I can't ride a bike."  Then Nolan starts crying, "What?  Why?"  So, I told him about the list with two boys sobbing.....this may be a long week.....

So, we are home, it is late start.  I am keeping Mason home, he has testing next week (which he can't do if he is not healed) and baseball games are going to start.  We meet with his doc tomorrow.

The weird thing is in the scan we learned that Mason has an extra bone in his neck.  Weird.  I knew he was in my stomach too long - I guess he just kept growing.....

The weirder thing is that I really wanted Hawaiian BBQ last night and an L&L BBQ opened up two days ago close to my house.  Do I now have a strange affiliation with Hawaii and the Emergency Room?  Or maybe I have an extra bone in my neck too.

It was delicious.

Happy Wednesday,

Ang