Bouncing back is not so easy....

I have been sleeping a lot.  I forgot how much cyberknife exhausts you.  I go to bed with the kids and I wake up when they come into our bed to cuddle.  Yes, at least Nolan, still needs a certain amount of cuddle time before the day starts.  So much has happened in our bed....not conception - they were both invitro, so it is quite pure!  When I was really sick, family meetings, games, talks, homework checks, discipline, etc, all happened in my bedroom.  The neighborhood kids are cautious to enter, but sometime they have to also.....but that is not what I am here to say.....

So yesterday I was all, "I am going to do all these errands, I have a scrap booking weekend coming up and need some stuff, we are almost out of soap from Bath and Body Works and I need to go to the library.....So, I start at Fred Meyer and when I get out of the truck someone smiles at me.  I smile back.  I can't see their face.  Fork, I am getting a migraine.  I should go home.  I do not.  I walk up and down the aisles of Fred Meyer collecting things on my list.  Closing one eye and then the other.  I am talking my way through it.....it is just the anxiety....no worries......things are tough right now......just wait for it to pass......I get through the list, checkout, and when I get to the truck, I can see perfectly.  On I go....then, I lose feeling in my left hand.....fork, I am really having a migraine.  I should go home.  So, I head home, but the feeling goes away.  I turn around and keep going.  I make six stops......I get everything I need.  I only end up with a slight headache.  I got home, made dinner which was a new recipe and it FAILED.  I was full on self hating.  I am weak.  I am sub par.  I am not capable.  Poor Grant.  Not the best wife to come home to.

Today, I fed my self hating, but finally had to move.  I have crap to do and I decided that I was going to ride my bike to do it.  I go to Red box and to the school.  I still hate myself, but the ride felt good.  I still feel bad with every breath I take, but it will pass.  The medical bills keep coming and this has been a thin year....getting thinner.  We have had so much happen...kitchen flooding, some ridiculous idea we needed a trailer (which I love), and life with ER visits for all of us but Grant and he is PT which is bloody expensive, and everything else.  I look to the end of the year and I think....we are going to live paycheck to paycheck.....sigh....I have done it before, but I worked so hard to not have that happen, but I cannot do without my prescriptions...which run $700 a month on average, or maybe I can.  NOW BEFORE YOU ALL SEND MONEY....we will be fine.....I will figure it out......I have to move through that I am a burden on my family.....I have to pick myself up (again) and see the silver lining....I have to put my trust in God that there is a message in all of this......(BTW, I did my bible study early this week...which alighned with my situation oddly....there is a sign...).....Only I can do this, no one can help me.  This is between me, my brain, and God.

So, why did I continue in Fred Meyer yesterday?  That is simple.....an amazing friend of mine was rediagnosed with breast cancer.  Susie, who I met in radiation, found it again, herself, and for the first time she experienced a panic attack.  She called me and asked me about it......I replied with, "Yep, you had one....I am so sorry.  They suck."  She asked me what to do and I told her there is medicine, but really it is PTSD....sweetie, you are owed that.....  Everyone will drive her to chemo, everyone will feed her family....but this...this is hard...and that is why I did it.  To show her that is just your mind, not reality.  You dig in... you go anyway... you decide what it real and what is not.  So, my effort to help my friend ended up in self hatred of myself because I was weak.  Double edged sword or just picking myself up again to fight.......and win.  I will be okay...it is a mental game.  Not losing now....seriously.

Love, Ang