Tomorrow I go....

Tomorrow I go.  Check in at 6am.  Procedure at 8am. It will take between 2 and a half hours to 3.  I totally trust my doc doing it.  He has been with me for a long time.  He did my gold markers before and mentioned to Hank that he was having great success with ablation and I was a great candidate.  Several ablation procedures later, I know him, his kids, funny stories, and, well, I adore him.  Karissa too.  He thought Karissa and I were a couple, until he met Grant.  Karissa, I think, is his favorite.  In one of my first appointments he said, "I have the needle that I will be putting into your chest in my pocket if you want to see it..."  Karissa was like, "I want to see it!"  I agreed, but Karissa was the star.

Here is the truth.  I don't want to go.  This is a grueling procedure.  They put me in a CT scanner.  They map my tumor on my chest, then they pull me out, place the marker, and put me back it to see if they did it well.  I am conscious.  The pain is dulled, but not gone.  I feel the pressure of them going into my chest, it hurts, and while it is not the worst pain I have ever experienced in this journey, honestly, it sucks.  Each marker is the same.  Then they send me home...beaten and bruised and told be rest and be quiet for a few days.  I do not know how you cannot.  It hurts to turn, to bend, to do anything and the stress of "did I do too much" it always there.  The markers need to "heal" in place and if you move too much the fall......

I went to acupuncture today.  I love her.  We have become friends and she connects with me on another level.  I told her I pushed back on this procedure and she told me that she feels better with the markers than without.  She explained all the things that could go wrong and how this is the best way to go.  She helped me with pain today and how to challenge it, how to deal, and how to relax during this somewhat crude procedure.  She comes from a place of feeling, not odds.  It comforts me.

Grant is taking me and Mom is getting the boys.  When I get home, the boys come home and Mason and Grant go to baseball and Ms. Anderson (Kelsey) will take Nolan to the Welcome Back BBQ.  She is not even a teacher there anymore.....and I cry.  How lucky am I?!?!  Meals start to come on the 31st, and my boys will be watched over on he first day of school by my beloved teachers.  I am so blessed - like really, I am not just saying that because for those of you who really know me, I would not say anything I did not mean!!!!  So, life goes on.  My last day of summer was today.  We picked veges from the garden that I will offer to people bringing us dinner, we played volleyball while waiting for my acupuncturist to eat lunch on my demand, and we lived by the river, playing hockey, being in the carpool lane, going to Fred Meyer, and laughing.  This is all I ever wanted and I love it....enough to do the rest.

Happy Monday/Tuesday, Ang