Thursday, June 17, 2010
I got that bad 50% and, guess what, there is more to deal with..
I got the call last night - 9:08pm. After it, I had my moments, cried in Grant's arms, woke up in the middle of the night shaking, couldn't get out of bed, Grant got me an anti anxiety pill, and I slowly went back to sleep. I did wake up in my favorite way with Nolan yelling from the bathroom, "Mommy! I didn't pee the bed!" and then two boys came into my room, snuggled up on either side of me, and told me to be careful. Why? Because they had their slippers on. I am told that slippers can be VERY dangerous. When I was first diagnosed, there was part of me that didn't ever want to know. I wished sometimes that I had just died because then I wouldn't have to deal with all this. Three years later, it is better that I did know. This will be that way too I hope. Unfortunately, when you ask what is wrong with you and go to the machine that will tell you ALL that is wrong with you, sometimes, just sometimes, you don't want the answer. So, here it is.......the two spots in my left lung are, in fact, cancer. However there is more stuff to deal with. Yeah, this is the part I still am spinning from. It appears that there is a hole in my right lung that is, and I am using the technical term, "weird". And the only other word is, "infection." And then, there is "activity" in my rectum again. The tumor is not back. I repeat the tumor is NOT back. There is just activity. It could be inflammation, but he just doesn't know. I asked, "Is it fixable?" And I get, "Ang, you are ahead of me now. The lungs for sure are, but I don't know what the bottom (yes, he uses 'bottom') is so let's just wait and see." And I am thinking, "that means no" but I really don't know what it means. So, the next little while my life will be filled with tests, cultures, and a new colon rectal doctor. Yep, one of my favor docs, finally retired to go work in Africa, so now I get to show SOMEBODY else my butt. I am so happy and grateful to him, but I am feeling so sorry for myself. You get attached to these docs and then you realize that they have a life. I tell myself, Ang, remember, he put his life on hold for you once. NOPE CAN'T WONT. Not today, maybe tomorrow and surely the next day. Anyway, my oncologist needs to talk to my lung surgeon again, now, about the hole/infection/whateveritis in my right lung and he will call me with a "new" colon rectal doc today sometime. So, what am I going to do today? Clean my house probably. That's what we do in my family. Have a baby? Clean the house. Get cancer? Clean the house. Can't sleep? Clean the house. Consequently, my house is usually pretty damn clean. I will let you know when I do from my VERY clean house. Love, Ang
Posted by Angela Clarno at 7:39 AM