Thursday, June 17, 2010

I got that bad 50% and, guess what, there is more to deal with..

I got the call last night - 9:08pm. After it, I had my moments, cried in Grant's arms, woke up in the middle of the night shaking, couldn't get out of bed, Grant got me an anti anxiety pill, and I slowly went back to sleep. I did wake up in my favorite way with Nolan yelling from the bathroom, "Mommy! I didn't pee the bed!" and then two boys came into my room, snuggled up on either side of me, and told me to be careful. Why? Because they had their slippers on. I am told that slippers can be VERY dangerous. When I was first diagnosed, there was part of me that didn't ever want to know. I wished sometimes that I had just died because then I wouldn't have to deal with all this. Three years later, it is better that I did know. This will be that way too I hope. Unfortunately, when you ask what is wrong with you and go to the machine that will tell you ALL that is wrong with you, sometimes, just sometimes, you don't want the answer. So, here it is.......the two spots in my left lung are, in fact, cancer. However there is more stuff to deal with. Yeah, this is the part I still am spinning from. It appears that there is a hole in my right lung that is, and I am using the technical term, "weird". And the only other word is, "infection." And then, there is "activity" in my rectum again. The tumor is not back. I repeat the tumor is NOT back. There is just activity. It could be inflammation, but he just doesn't know. I asked, "Is it fixable?" And I get, "Ang, you are ahead of me now. The lungs for sure are, but I don't know what the bottom (yes, he uses 'bottom') is so let's just wait and see." And I am thinking, "that means no" but I really don't know what it means. So, the next little while my life will be filled with tests, cultures, and a new colon rectal doctor. Yep, one of my favor docs, finally retired to go work in Africa, so now I get to show SOMEBODY else my butt. I am so happy and grateful to him, but I am feeling so sorry for myself. You get attached to these docs and then you realize that they have a life. I tell myself, Ang, remember, he put his life on hold for you once. NOPE CAN'T WONT. Not today, maybe tomorrow and surely the next day. Anyway, my oncologist needs to talk to my lung surgeon again, now, about the hole/infection/whateveritis in my right lung and he will call me with a "new" colon rectal doc today sometime. So, what am I going to do today? Clean my house probably. That's what we do in my family. Have a baby? Clean the house. Get cancer? Clean the house. Can't sleep? Clean the house. Consequently, my house is usually pretty damn clean. I will let you know when I do from my VERY clean house. Love, Ang


leslie kendall said...

Crap! That's it for now, just crap - and of course sending you prayers, love, and good thoughts.

Anonymous said...

I am holding you in my thoughts and in my heart. What I still know for sure... You are as strong and courageous as ever. You are willing to go one day (one moment) at a time. You will let others take care of you.

My love to you, Grant, Mason, Nolan and your entire family and legions of friends (loved ones).

Auntie Jane Says said...

I'm on my way...
And by the way, any Butt Doc is fortunate to work with yours and the person it is attached to.

In honor of the situation, I'm gonna go clean too, and you know that seldom happens...scrub it up girl, scrub it up!!!

Love Jane

Anonymous said...

Angie, This sucks! You are an amazing person, and I wil be praying for you, Grant and the boys as you travel this road. Love, Kristine

Vicki Olafson said...

Ang - my dear...this bites! I'm so so sorry to hear this news but you are strong lady and any doctor should be honored to see your butt!!! We all hoped this journey was over and it will be again soon. Sending you lots of love, prayers and I too will CLEAN CLEAN CLEAN tonight singing your name through the house. Guaranteed Drake will sing along as well.
love you

Laurie said...

I'm going to start scrubbing the floors and sending good karma your way. Love & miss you.

Anonymous said...

Angie - I'm thinking about you, Grant and your kids. This news sucks. You are strong. This is just another speed bump. You don't deserve any of this. Hang in there. - Libby

Tina said...

Forgive my intrusion, but I have been following your blog for a bit now. Can't remember where I came across it or if I've spoken to you before (chemo brain!)!
I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am. I HATE coming across this in the blogs I read. It happens too often! I finished chemo (FOLFOX) for colon cancer in January, and was diagnosed with breast cancer in April. Ugh! Somehow I almost feel that if it was the colon cancer that had spread I would feel even worse. Now I still have hope that I got it all, and that I'll get all this breast cancer. (Had my first chemo for bc on Monday)
Well, just wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you and will pray for you and your wonderful family!

Anonymous said...

Angie, I'm praying.

Anonymous said...


It sucks !!!
But I know you are one STRONG cookie and we will make it
through this.
The prayer chain is continuing with your name on it every Sunday.
My love and hugs to all 4 of you,
And yes the 28th is still on.

Take care my freind.
Love Peggy

Kari George said...

I think Leslie said it correctly...CRAP, and Double CRAP!! I'm sure your home is squeaky clean by now. If you need another one to clean, you're welcome to come over! Hang in there baby! Good luck with your new doc! I'm sure he/she will just love you! Love you dear!