Wednesday, March 4, 2009

I didn't want to go

Yesterday, I was getting ready and all I could think of is, "I don't wanna go." I didn't cry and didn't need to, I was just teetering on yelling at someone. My Mom asked me how I was doing. I just said, "I don't want to talk about it." So, she rephrased, "Physically, you are okay, yes?" "Yes, Mother." "Okay, then we can work out the rest." I told Elaine, my driver, I wasn't happy about going and she said, "Okay." That in my signal that if I cry don't be surprised. She just looked at me and said, "Most people wouldn't, so that is okay." We talked and laughed about other stuff. My oncologist was funny ha ha with me so that helped. He also authorised that I could go away for a weekend in April before my "next phase" of treatment which also helped. But the big thing was when I went up to chemo I saw an old friend from Childhaven. I hadn't seen him in a long time so it was really nice to visit. He was chatting with a neighbor of his that he introduced me to. I said, "So, you are here too - fun times." She laughed. I followed with, "I guess I can't complain because I am still here to talk about it, so that is good." She replied in a very gentle sweet way, "I don't know when you were diagnosed, but I was 25 years ago and I am still here to talk about it and it is good." And there it was.....the thing that turned me around....get this, her appointment was at 3:00. It was 11:00, but for some reason she had it in her head to be there at 11:00. Selfishly, I am really glad she was there. We talked and visited, not so much about cancer, but other stuff. When I got called back, she stood up to shake my hand (she has known me for approximately 10 minutes) and I kissed her on the cheek and hugged her gently - we have ports. Thank God for her. I didn't cry all day and she quite turned everything around for me. I got my game face back, ate some fish tacos, and slept which I needed to do since I squeezed every last moment out of my freedom. I am doing okay now, you know it is chemo, but I just went shopping on - they are having a sale and I am on steroids.......BAD COMBO. Happy Wednesday, Ang


Anonymous said...

Angels..., An 80 year old who had the wisdom and life experience to sense that you were in need of an advocate in line, and another with 25 years of knowing...just plain bouy you past tears, to know what you know and show you what the future can look like, they really are amongst us.

Anonymous said...

Your defences get thin and need to be strengthened and along comes a WISE old person and then you meet a friend from CHILDHAVEN who introduces you to a long term survivor and voila, defences strenthened. Steroids and shopping is just the kind of stimulus this economy needs. (but it is probably hell on household budgets). God Bless You Angela!! love pat&mag