Monday, April 21, 2008

My Spot

For those of you that have followed this blog from the beginning, "My Spot" was a place that I had all my cancer stuff - my books, my letters, my cards, my music, my candles, etc. It was my place in our house that I could go and just be with cancer. Sometimes there was sorrow, sometimes there was pain, but most of the time there was peace and, from that peace, strength. Well, over the last week, I have been breaking down the physical space of my spot. I have a special box that I have been putting everything in, moving the furniture back to its precancer position, etc. What I haven't been able to do it but the box "away". I just need it there - in my sight - everyday. I don't know why that is, but it is and I have learned that I need to allow that to be. What has been interesting in that journey, is that I have been going through the other parts of my house too. For example, I have been going through my pantry. My pantry took on a life of its own during cancer. Precancer, I had certain food - quite healthy I may add, and, during cancer, I had certain food - quite restricted and not as healthy as the precancer food, but not being able to have antioxidants, fiber, etc. will do that. So, I reorganized for my new post cancer life, but I am not able to get rid of the cancer stuff - Glutamine, Miralax, B-6, Ensure, etc. I take a break and get some orange juice - another item I couldn't have on chemo - and I see a frig magnet that says, "Surviving Cancer - Priceless". I go into the living room to watch TV and I see my Angel of Courage that was sent to me over the holidays. I go to my neighbors house to stamp some cards and I am compelled to stamp one of my cards with the saying, "Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts." And then, I wake up tonight in a sweat thinking, "What if it comes back? Oh my God, what if it comes back?" (Seriously, like that didn't occur to me? Am I completely dense?) And, after an hour of talking myself off the wall, I remember my spot, my magnet, my angel, my pantry, my card, and realized that my spot and I are one. This is what it is to live with cancer and to continue with courage is all I can do. For those of you that have watched the movie Dumbo one too many times, the question is, "Can I fly without the feather?" The answer always is, "Yes." Back to bed, Ang


Anonymous said...

Your symptoms sound like Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, or as it was once called Battle Fatigue.
You just finished a life and death struggle with an enemy that was seriously intent on killing you. The little oddities of behavior and thoughts are the hangover from a terrible fight, that you won. What you have to do is "go with the flow", accept it as another phase of getting back to the mundane tasks of life. Winston Churchill once wrote "there is nothing quite so exhilirating as being shot at, and missed", well you now know what that feels like.
I hope Mag and I get to see you this summer, perhaps a picnic for the faithful, a pot luck?
love to you and all yours, pat&mag

Anonymous said...

AMEN to what Pat wrote. They always seem to write something so encouraging and so profound.
I read your blog early yesterday morning and wanted to respond. But I couldn't come up with the right words. I wanted to support, encourage, uphold but the words wouldn't come. What good friends you have in pat&mag!!
Have a great day Ang and keep enjoying your "spot" as it evolves into maybe something more inspiring for you.
Your unmet friend

Anonymous said...

Your entry reminded me that we all need a "spot", no matter what it consists of. The need for our own spiritual "place in this world" doesn't seem to expire even though the "spot" might change and the reason for the need might change. You always seem to bring truth to front and center. Love Jane