My Spot

For those of you that have followed this blog from the beginning, "My Spot" was a place that I had all my cancer stuff - my books, my letters, my cards, my music, my candles, etc. It was my place in our house that I could go and just be with cancer. Sometimes there was sorrow, sometimes there was pain, but most of the time there was peace and, from that peace, strength. Well, over the last week, I have been breaking down the physical space of my spot. I have a special box that I have been putting everything in, moving the furniture back to its precancer position, etc. What I haven't been able to do it but the box "away". I just need it there - in my sight - everyday. I don't know why that is, but it is and I have learned that I need to allow that to be. What has been interesting in that journey, is that I have been going through the other parts of my house too. For example, I have been going through my pantry. My pantry took on a life of its own during cancer. Precancer, I had certain food - quite healthy I may add, and, during cancer, I had certain food - quite restricted and not as healthy as the precancer food, but not being able to have antioxidants, fiber, etc. will do that. So, I reorganized for my new post cancer life, but I am not able to get rid of the cancer stuff - Glutamine, Miralax, B-6, Ensure, etc. I take a break and get some orange juice - another item I couldn't have on chemo - and I see a frig magnet that says, "Surviving Cancer - Priceless". I go into the living room to watch TV and I see my Angel of Courage that was sent to me over the holidays. I go to my neighbors house to stamp some cards and I am compelled to stamp one of my cards with the saying, "Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts." And then, I wake up tonight in a sweat thinking, "What if it comes back? Oh my God, what if it comes back?" (Seriously, like that didn't occur to me? Am I completely dense?) And, after an hour of talking myself off the wall, I remember my spot, my magnet, my angel, my pantry, my card, and realized that my spot and I are one. This is what it is to live with cancer and to continue with courage is all I can do. For those of you that have watched the movie Dumbo one too many times, the question is, "Can I fly without the feather?" The answer always is, "Yes." Back to bed, Ang