Chemo week - PSYCHE!

Today was SUPPOSED to be a chemo day, but a few weeks ago I looked like a teacher with Hank.  I held up a calendar and said, "Here are my chemo days and here is my family vacation.  Can I do chemo here?  Here?"  Help played along very well with, "...that is too soon with your platelets.  No that is too soon to your trip.  Where are you going?  Oh yeah...  Do you want to go or do you want me to cancel it?  (Of course, I want to go!)  Well, you need a break any way to get your platelets up, so you can be off until July 9th."  WHA?  Thinking the better of saying that.  "Okay!"  So, for the next little while, I will cook my own meals, clean my own house, and go back to Toronto, Montreal, Quebec City, and Ottawa.  It is a bit of a whirlwind, but it will be great to see the in laws (haven't seen them since diagnosis) and friends.  Can't wait to go to Second Cup and Perogie Night in TO.  Want to see if Mason or Nolan will step out with me on the clear glass floor of the CN Tower and we are taking my Mother in Law, Lil, to Medevil Times.  Cute story - ...so when you book with Medevil Times you are asked to show up 90 mins ahead of time for general seating.  WHAT?!?!  So, I called and said laughing, "Is there any way around that?  My mother in law is 87 and I am a cancer patient.  We may not have 90 mins!"  So, with a couple fees and discounts to offset, we have reserved seating.  Can't wait to see the fireworks in Ottawa, eat bread and cheese in Quebec, and just be normal, if not for just a little while.  Love, Ang  P.S.  I will be putting out a new meal calendar so, if you want to get on the email, just contact Sarah at  sarah_09@comcast.net.  Thank you!  A Bientot!

Update and Best Burger EVER

Well, lots of time has gone by and I am doing well.  Update - the Relay for Life was so fun and my team, The Royal Runners, were amazing.  I was honored and happy to be with them.  We made $3500.  WOW.  Thank you - I am amazed by you.  Quick note - a breast cancer survivor came up to me on the survivor lap and said, "I love your shirt."  My reply was, "Yeah, well, rectal cancer doesn't have many options, so I went with this."  She and I laughed like HARD.  It was cute.  Then there was T-ball and tossball, my birthday which despite the hotel Grant and I were going to stay at had a main water break and is closed until August 1st and my favorite restaurant got kicked out of their lease, was awesome.  I found that I really just need ribs, ice cream cake, and flowers.  My head hit the pillow saying, "Best birthday ever."  Chemo day was good, chemo week sucked, and then back to t-ball and toss ball, dinner with friends in the neighborhood, and then yesterday.....so, yesterday Nolan crawled in bed with me and said, "I love you Mommy."  I said to Grant, "I will do chemo forever as long as I can hear that.  Part 2 - I got to see my college buddies who I asked to help Grant in the yard.  They, like the troupers they are, came and did amazing work!  We talked and laughed.  I sat and petting the cat and they weeded, spread bark, the yard looks amazing.  BTW - The cat isn't my cat, but won't go home (for the past two years) and lives in our shed.  I do feed her and pet her ever morning and night but really there has got to be a better gig for this cat than a shed.  She is a great mouser, rater, moler, so she totally earns her keep.  ANYHOO, I said to her on Friday night, "Look Daddy needs you to catch the thing that come out of that hole."  The next morning, a mole was on the porch.  I gave her tuna.  She is never going home now.  Part 3 - Jane, my famous Sister-in-Law, and the gang (Tyrus, her husband, Grant, our nephew, and Grant's girlfriend, Claire) came for  a short visit.  I miss Jane.  We talked for hours and the boys went to the store for burger fixings.  They played hockey, soccer, and wrestled with the boys for hours.  The burger tasted great and I even had a beer.  When they left, Mason, Nolan (still in his pjs) and I rode after them on our bikes out of the neighborhood.  It had been a beautiful day.  My boys, my Grant, my friends, my family.  Jane emailed me this morning and thanked us for the visit and said that Claire said, "It is like they have their own little paradise there." referring to the yard and my knives.  She likes good knives like a good woman should.  We do have a paradise here.  Grant and I have made it that way though I can hardly take credit for the yard.  He has planted all my favorites where I can see them when I am sick.  I so rarely leave the house that he believes it is essential that I have this.  (For example, other than T-ball - I haven't left home/neighborhood since Saturday before last.)  John, our neighbor, even has trained his clematis to go on my side of the fence, because Grant and I are having trouble growing one.  I am so lucky.  The boys don't ever really like leaving either.  When asked they usually want a home day, wearing pjs, playing outside with their buddies, and eating in their fort.  So, this morning I was thinking about lunch....all I wanted was a burger.....and I had just enough leftover in the frig to do it.  So, with my indoor grill pan, I cooked the patty and onion (good tip from Claire), toasted the bun like my Mom does, seasoned the patty like Craig (Sarah's husband) does, put on my avocado, lettuce, tomato, and open the last pilsner in the frig.  I went outside and, while Nolan was watching Curious George, ate my AMAZING burger with the juices going down my hands in my paradise yard in my pjs.  Pretty good day so far......love, Ang

Pre Relay for Life

Today, I go tot the Relay for Life at about 5:30 and meet up with the team I am representing, the Royal Runners.  I just now checked their page, done a couple calcs, and I realized that we raised over $2500 in three days......pause.....pause again......wonder how in the world I have these people.....feel humbled, gracious, blessed, and, of course, just a little, "Now, there is a can of whoop ass!"  Okay, maybe a lot of whoop ass.  I can't help it.  Soon, I will put on my "What's Up Your Butt?" t-shirt, all of my bracelets, and my pin from the Relay with Bob.  I have done my hair twice because of the humidity today.  My hair is a real draw at these events and I don't want to disappoint, but if this keeps up I am going to look like something between Michael Bolton and Carrot Top. Ceremony starts at 6 and I will be done with my duties at 7:30ish.  Probably go out to Teriyaki with a friend of mine that is meeting me there - by the way, Cheryl are you meeting me there????  At 5:25, I will most likely, be in my car cursing the humidity, then saying a prayer, then exhaling to get myself ready and then, I will open the door, and I will be EVERYTHING I need to be.  Thank you for your never ending support, prayers, friendship, and love.  Ang

Let's see what we can do in three days!

A little while ago I was asked my a high school friend of mine if I was busy on June 1st.  I wasn't and she told me about the Kent Relay for Life and how her son, Stewart, was a co captain for a team that they put together.  She also told me about the shirts they were making up and how they were toying with different funny sayings which brought up to my "What is up your BUTT?" T-shirt for colorectal cancer.  Anyway, it got down to me going to the the Kent Relay for Life and helping support their team on the condition that I would wear my famous t-shirt.  REALLY???!?!?!  Like that is a burden?  Don't have to ask me twice!  So, last week, I received the team information, etc.  Now, the inside story....I have been honored, represented, had luminaries, etc. on several cancer fundraising events.  I am always humbled by this and if I can help, I always do.  It seems that I bring hope to a lot of people by my story, my personality, and, or course, my hair.  I thought this was going to be easy - slam dunk, but here is the rub.  The last time I was at the Kent Relay for Life was the last time I saw Bob.  Okay, for those of you who don't know, Bob was my cancer Champion (notice capitalization).  He had been diagnosed one year earlier than I and he had a similar diagnosis - one rectal tumor and stage four because it was all over his liver and was inoperable.  He was funny, kind, and I could ask him ANYTHING.  We were both terminal.  The difference is the chemo worked better on me.  He was initially given three months to live, but his goal was to see his only child, Meredith, graduate from high school.  He did and he died three years after his diagnosis.  I credit him with how I look at cancer, how I look at myself living with cancer, and my determination to live strong.  So, this Friday will not be easy for me, but I will, as always, put my game face on, be there, and live strong for me and for Bob.  I am asking you to do this with me.  I know times are tough and that there is not a lot of extra money around.  The team that I am representing has a goal of $1500 and they are at $765.  I will be donating $50.  I am asking if you have $10, $25, or even $50 to spare, I would like to put it toward this - for these kids that are so impressive; for me because without all the advances, I would be dead; and for Bob the man that taught me how to do this.  Of course, by all means donate more if you can!  Let's see if we can get them to their goal, my goal, and more birthdays for all of us.  Here is the link.  http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR/RelayForLife/RFLFY12GW?team_id=1125701&pg=team&fr_id=38381 Thank you.  Humbly yours, Ang

I am posting twice in the same day

and you will see why, so read both!  First, my update....the last week has been the best and the worst....my Aunt came to watch over me since we were starting a new drug and I had send Grant on a golf trip (that was good).  When I was trying to call my neighbors to help us with the yard waste bin and I could not figure out how that was bad.  I watch most of Downton Abby (for the second and third time), that was good.  When I was sleeping for 15 hours a day, that was bad.  On Thursday I felt worthless, that was bad.  On Friday, Trina (my neighbor) called me and said, "We are going to Yogurtland!", that was good.  On Saturday, we went on a bike ride WITH MY NEW BIKE WITH A SEAT AS BIG OR BIGGER THAN MY HEAD, with all of us and Mia (neighborhood friend), and I was behind looking at my amazing, beautiful family and believing cancer couldn't touch us.  That was good.  When Mia wanted to ride beside me, which put me in the car lane and I said, "Mia, I have worked to hard to die by a car hitting me." and she responded with, "You are right.  I will ride on the sidewalk.  You can have the bike lane."  She is nine.  That was funny.  Sunday we hung out at my parents and Mason drove the "tractor" for the first time by himself.  I took him out and when I was leaving for the lower pasture I said to Dad, "Why can't he do this alone?  By seven, I was mowing pastures (for my Grandparents)."  He said, "Different time, different family."  He really shouldn't have sent me to Gonzaga if he didn't want me to learn logic arguments.  As soon as we got to the lower pasture, I got off, slowed down the throttle, reminded Mason how "wide" he was on the machine, talked about rocks and holes, and let him go.  By the end, he was weaving in and out of the trees.  He was glowing with pride.  Dad saw me up top and said to Grant, "Should have known she would do that."  Yep, he shoulda since I have HIS BLOOD RUNNING THROUGH MY VEINS.  Sunday night my colon rebelled.  That was bad.  Monday, I was up and Grant and I did a HUGE clean up in the yard.  That was good.  Grant is so funny - I say, "I think we should move that plant."and he says, "Yeah, that is a good idea."  After 17 years, I know that we will now "think about it" for a couple years.  So, I pull it out of the ground and stick it where I want it and he says nervously (because he is scared FOR THE PLANT), "I guess we are doing it now?!?!?!?"  If not now, when?  I could be dead!  That was funny. Monday night, I went to my Aunt Marsha's house (Alana, my cousin's Mom) and had Indian food.  YUM.  That was good.  The roller coaster was predictable, but not easier when you are in the low.  I see my therapist on Thursday - probably a really good thing.  Now, onto the next post......

Last week.....

So, let's start with Sunday, Mother's Day.  All I wanted to do it go to the Flagship REI store, try out bikes (not buy one), and then go to lunch at Ivar's on Elliot Bay and throw french fries at the seagulls.  I did both with all my boys and, while it was difficult for Nolan to understand that we are going shopping for ME, he relented.   Throwing french fries was fun.  Nolan was, of course, doing it his way.  The boys tried calamari and liked it and after a walk on the waterfront and a visit to the Ole Curiosity Shop, I felt that my day was complete.  After dinner with my Mom and Dad, my head hit the pillow and I said to Grant, "Best Mother's Day Ever" (and last years was awesome, so the bar is getting a bit high!).  Monday, Mason had school and Nolan had a developmental study at the UW.  Nolan has been in this study since he was 2 and while my life is complicated, I always feel like I have a way easier life than most.  Here is why.....part of the study is based on his home situation so they ask me questions like, "Has Nolan ever seen you hit your spouse?"  Has Nolan even seen his Grandparents hit each other?"  "Did you steal things before Nolan was born?  After?"  "Do you have a boyfriend?"  (and I want to respond with no - I have a collapsed vagina from radiation damage!, but of course I don't),  "Has Nolan's brother ever been arrested?" (He is seven.) and so on and so forth.  Cancer has got to be cake compared to that.  On the way home, Nolan recognized Ivar's from the freeway and asked if we could go back and throw fries at the seagulls.  I said, "Sure, I am hungry."  He was MUCH better at it on Monday.  Tuesday - Mason school, Nolan swim lessons, Nolan T-ball game, me fasting for my scan on Wednesday.  Wednesday - scan and deliver Grandma's room frig to Mason's teacher whose daughter is going to Gonzaga in the fall - GO ZAGS!  Starving.  Thursday - Bible Study Year End Brunch, garden walk with one of my bible study gals, couple errands, go to school to retrieve the frig delivery wagon and then the phone call from Hank.  Friday - errands, a little work, and then now.  When I told my Dad the results of the scan, he got choked up and told me how proud of me he was for persevering.  When I told my Mom, she was fine.  When I told Grant, he was like, "Do we ever get great news on the first scan?"  So, here are the results.  THE SAME.  Everything is stable - no growth, no smaller.  Hank told me he had to bump/jazz up his game.  I was thinking he needed to get out more.  So, Monday, we add Avastin back in.  It will add a hour plus to my treatment and it may give me high blood pressure, not that it did before.  How do I feel?  Nothing really.  I guess I just feel like this pull between being sick and well, live or death and it gets a little dramatic for me.  I mean, don't get me wrong, I love being dramatic, but I prefer that to be with friends, stupid stories, and a drink in my hand, not this.  But I have learned that I have to give it time, have patience, and "just keep swimming" as Dory on Finding Nemo says.  How did I deal?  I cleaned out the garage, and I bought my bike.  My bike that I picked and no one else did.  (I have never picked my own bike and for some reason I needed to - especially since the stupid sandbags are coming down this summer!)  Lets be clear - I have no intention of giving up or giving in.  My boys just got really fun and, while my old goal was to see Mason so to school, my new goal is to live until they naturally stop talking to me.  I figure 13ish.  So, I got six to eight years on my back.  Who knows what will happen in six to eight years.  Enjoy your weekend.....I am ordering accessories for my bike!  Love, Ang

Five years

Five year ago this month, I found out I had this terrible wretched "condition".  Five years ago this month I didn't know if I would see Nolan's first steps or Mason's first day of school.  Five years ago this month, I raged at God for giving me these two precious boys and then taking their Mom away from them.  Five years ago this month, I met my oncologist.  He was the only one that gave me hope.  He refused to give me odds, but did say if I didn't get treatment, I would die.  He say to me without blinking that I may be the one to raise my boys and take care of my parents in their old age.  I clung to his words and, while wondering how good of a liar he was, believed him.  Monday he gave me a number - the odds I had so wanted so badly five years previous. It went something like this....(me cocky as ever) "Hey, you know it has been five years, right?  I told you I would be in the top 10%."  He smiled and said, "I just noticed that too."  pause "And, by the way, you are going in the top 1."  My cockiness gone.  Me silent.  That is a good number.  Exhale.  Happy Friday, Ang

Chemo tomorrow...

Life seems to go at the speed of light....then we had to move Grandma to the Health Center.  I am always amazed at the things I find in her stuff.  Why after being in a Retirement Home for 13+ years does she still have a blender?????  My Dad will finish up this week and then we will have to do the painful task of sorting and distributing.  So, after Toss ball, T-ball, moving, planting...here I am again....chemo tomorrow.  Last one before the scan next week. Enjoy the sun!  Ang

Wow, that took a while...

As most of your know, chemo impacts your memory and scatters your thoughts.  Today, I JUST remembered my password to the blog.  Oh yeah, I could have done that whole, "Don't remember your password?" thing, and I would click it but then it would get too hard requiring me to remember more things than I could and then I would get distracted with something else - much like a toddler....nice...sorry.  So, the answer to last Thursday question was, "Yes, I made it to both Mason's field trip and Nolan's garden party!"  Mason's field trip was adorable and I really can't believe how well behaved they were.  It was just me and the teacher and it was fine.  We didn't lose anybody and we only had one bathroom "emergency".  Mason's teacher asked me to take him and he looked at me with those eyes like, "I ain't gonna make it!" and I was like, "Well, THIS is something I can relate too!"  I told him we would and with a little fast moving a lot of excuse us' we did.  When I left, he asked if I could go on the next field trip with them and I said, "As many as I can buddy."  Smile.  Nolan's garden party was great.  I am not sure the rows of flowers and veges will be particularly straight, but they are planted!  I was happy to go to both, but I didn't do much in between or on Friday.  It was good to push myself and motivation to not break Mason's heart was incentive enough.  The weekend was good outside of Grant and I getting into a bad fight.  Y'know, for anyone out there that thinks that we don't fight or that our priorities are so perfect, please know that 90% of the time we don't and we do, but mix exhaustion from work, kids, cancer treatment, t-ball, toss ball, errands, medical insurance companies, and a relationship together and sometimes you just don't want to get in the car with your spouse even though he follows you and asks you twice to get in the car and you reply with, "I would rather die on the side of the road than get in the car with you."  Now remember, I am not a girl that whines or says stuff she doesn't mean.  I MEANT it and he KNEW it.  Amazing how much anger can fuel energy. I was thoroughly exhausted when I got home and he was thoroughly concerned that I walked all that way.  I needed the walk and on it a lot happened.  Episode #1 - I divorced him, thought about who would get the house, and how we would split the kids...etc... Episode   #2 I strangled him, but then the kids would really be put out...etc... Episode #3 etc. etc. etc. By the time I got home it all just seemed too difficult and consequence ridden, so I opted for working on the marriage.  I was way better.  Quite calm actually.  In any case, we gave each other the time we needed to get back on track.  In addition, we went to bed at 8:30 that night - and I mean sleep.  Sunday was 9:30 - and I mean sleep.  Much better now.....Love, Ang

The notes your get from your kids.....

When you are open about your condition, you get these.  They are the hardest, but, of course, I had to go over his spelling with him too.  Figure THAT one out!  

Had a great week.  Started acupuncture with this amazing woman in Fremont.  Wow.  She is a really neat person - she looks like she could run a horse ranch and she is funny!  Then, she taught me all about Chinese medicine and herbs.  The formula she is working on for me was all in Chinese - like I can read that.  And, BTW, she is whiter than I am.  VERY COOL.  Anyhoo, she told me after the first appointment that I may be too accommodating to the cancer - respecting it too much and I should treat it more like an unwanted house guest.  Pause - really? - pause.  I NEVER, EVER, EVER thought I would be accused of that, but after two seconds, I believed she was right.  She said, I should just gently get them to go on their way, or something like that.  Now, if I knew her better, I would have said, "Really, I can't just say - "GET THE F&#\K OUT??!?!?!""  While I work on that, let's just pray that acupuncture makes my chemo easier because I REALLY, REALLY want to go to Mason's field trip with him on Thursday - The Little Mermaid play in Renton.  I just need to get on the bus, ride, get off, sit, and repeat in reverse.  I hope I can manage that.  Then, Nolan has a garden party that afternoon - prayers, reiki, bets, bribes, all accepted.

Off to chemo tomorrow bright and early.  Thank you to all of your that have brought me new ways to eat red meat.  My platelets better be awesome!!!!  Love, Ang