Seeking the Perfect Christmas

This is a long post, so get your coffee or tea and get comfortable...  Two posts ago, I told you that I had to get a scope down my throat.  For many, that was a real shock because I hadn't talked about it too much.  Here is why..something came up in my last scan and when something comes up like that, I am then sent to a new place to get a closer look.  Because the procedure is that and it has happened with my liver and now my esophagus, I guess, I didn't make too much a deal of it until we KNEW if something was wrong.  I think the problem is, every six to 12 weeks, I get a scan that tells you every bloody thing that could be wrong with you.  Most people don't get these scans thank God because knowing EVERYTHING that COULD be wrong with you is not necessarily a blessing.  Please do not misunderstand, I am thankful for the technology, but I take the information cautiously at times.  This proved to serve me well, as the procedure was last week and it was absolutely fine.  I meet with the doctor to follow up next week.  So, let's get back to Christmas.  Right after, my Christmas Eve post, I looked up a couple of my cancer buddies.  One had an allergic reaction to her last chemo treatment which I knew about, but, I finally read her blog to get her perspective.  I felt helpless and I knew I couldn't have helped her with this because I never really have dealt with my allergic reaction that I had where I fainted and had to stay over night in the hospital.  Her post totally threw me back to all of those feelings....I remember that I said, "I am going to faint." and thinking....this is it....this is how I will die.  I then remember NOT seeing the "light" and hearing all sort of commotion around me....."Are her numbers always this low?" from a voice I did not recognize.  "NO!  It is upside down!" from my nurse.  "I need more room - here let me do this....move that chair!"  (I am crying as I am typing this.) I remember the oxygen being blown in my face and a nurse that I do know saying to me very calmly and sweetly, "Angie, you gotta wake up.  Just open your eyes.  Come on honey, wake up for us."  I took a deep breath realizing that it wasn't my last and thinking, "Oh, this is going to cause A LOT of paperwork..."  I opened my eyes and said, "I am sorry."  She smiled looking at me.  In a very loud commanding voice said, "She is apologizing...she is just fine."  She never broke her gaze.  Commotion stops.  Hank is there with, "You have my full attention and one phone call."  I said, "Call Grant and tell him not to come.  I will be fine."   That is all I am going to say...my therapist thinks that it is a good idea for me to talk about it sometimes and feel it a little.  Sit with it.  Apparently, it helps you deal with it.  It is the same technique that they you on solders when they come home from war.  Wow, that sucks.  So, I did learn that I should not read those things on Christmas Eve especially when you know another cancer buddy just found out his brain tumor is back and will need surgery soon (like today).  Despite it all, I charged on that night and may of had to much to drink, but get this, I didn't feel anything.  Grant even said, "You should be hammered.  I am driving."  He is very eloquent.  I went through the motions and the boys were getting really excited.  I don't think they knew.  My neck hurt and I was really kinda stressed out with it being a PERFECT Christmas.  I even did crafts with my kids in December.  What ridiculous complication is that during the holiday?!?!  I don't do crafts - like ever.  I HATE glitter, and glue.  But I did it like more than once and more than on one occasion.  What was I thinking?  Anyway, back to the story....so, we get home on Christmas Eve.  Boys in bed.  Cookies out.  Santa came just like he should, but if he was here, I really should have run into him.  I was up until 3am.  First, I don't sleep much on Christmas Eve.  Never have.  I love Christmas Eve.  Second, I was so keyed up, I couldn't sleep and my stomach hurt, my neck hurt, I think I pulled a muscle in my leg....I was a mess.  Then about 1:30 after going to the bathroom, I saw something in my underwear.  Blood.  Convinced that my cancer had come back.  I was like, but no, it is (now, if you are all scared and wimpy, just STOP reading....seriously...STOP) too high to be 'there".  I haven't had a period in YEARS - chemo took care of that.  What the hell?!?!?  Check again...doing I call the doc?  No, it is Christmas Eve....he is Jewish.  Check again.  Wrong color for cancer.  (You didn't STOP did you? STOP!)  Wrong color for a lot of things.  Wow, I drank too much... definitely not calling  the doctor would sound RIDICULOUS.  Everybody already knows I have rectal cancer.....no surprise there!  Why is it there in my underwear?  Change underwear.  Pace more.  Neck hurts more, muscle tense, try and go to sleep - really?  Clearly too much to drink if I thought I can actually go to sleep.  Check again - more blood.  Same position.  (Now it gets funny, but still over the line of socially acceptable, so if you still reading, you may continue on...)  So, I look in the mirror of the vanity at my butt.  (There is a visual you will NEVER forget.)  Remember I am on a lot of blood thinners.  I somehow  did something to the middle of my right butt check and it was bleeding A LOT.  Exhale.  It is not my cancer. Run to the toilet.  Puke so hard and violently it comes out my nose.  Clean up.  Exhausted.  Fall into bed.  Sleep.......HARD.  7am  "Mommy Mommy I wasn't naughty!  Santa came!  Santa came!  Get up!  Daddy!!  Santa came....get up!!!!!!'  Neck pain gone, muscle pain gone, stomach fine.....just tired.  I smile....I got my perfect Christmas after all......  Love, Ang