Not my proudest round

Last week, I went in for chemo. I was okay. I was on antibiotics for my "lung infection" and they didn't make me feel great, but I was okay for chemo. My port didn't work so they injected it with an enzyme (snake venom) and said they could start my chemo in my arm while that worked away at my port. This process take 2 hours - adding 2 hours onto your treatment. I met with my oncologist and asked if we could reduce my chemo because of my weight loss. He looked at me quizzingly and said, "Let's see....sure a little..." and then he looked at me and said the fateful words, "What is really going on?" Well, where do I start? I feel like crap because of a "lung infection" which I am pretty sure is a more palatable word for pneumonia, I have lost 16 pounds and only gained back 8, I want to puke every time I have a full stomach, I HATE CHEMO and how I have to schedule my life around it......I am just tired. And then the tears came and me in all of my vanity says, "I can't cry today - I ran out of my waterproof mascara!!!" And in my oncologist's wonderful way, he checks and says, "It is still on - don't worry!" And then I cry harder because I should be thankful, instead of this weak, pathetic mess. My chemo is working. I am alive because of chemo. I should be thankful. I should kiss the floor every time I go into that place. I should be thankful for all the meals, help, ushering Mason to school, cleaning of my house, etc. etc. etc. I should have the guts to be able to do this with all the support I have, but I don't. I feel like so much of a self absorbed loser. I say, "I know, I should have a better attitude." as I dry my tears. My oncologist replies with, "You need a better attitude????? No, you need more of this. Maybe we should take a break?" I respond with, "My scan is next week." and he wheels start goin', "Okay, let's do this week, scan nex,t and then we can see if we can take a break. Okay?" Okay. So, you would think it would get better right? Nope. I am still the self absorbed mess I was. I go up to chemo. They start my chemo in my arm which HURTS like a *(&(*&(*&! Susie comes by and that distracts me, Elaine has an scan so she leaves and then I have to take my last antibiotic for my lung infection/pneumonia and I want to puke - LIKE PUKE HARD. I tell my nurse and she goes into serious mode with anti nausea, cold cloths, buckets, etc. It passes and then she just looks at me and it happens all over again. I have felt sick for a month, I have had three good days in 27 but who is counting? I love the fall and my anniversary got SCREWED up again because of this crap. I finally stop crying - mascara gone by now - and I say, "I know, I should have a better attitude." She gave me the lip pierced, side tilt thing like, "No, you need more of this.", but all she said was, "Ang, all you need to remember is that it is WORKING and it is NOT forever." I think in my head, "Promise?" but I know she can't do that. I get myself together and Elaine come back. Poor thing has missed all the drama, but knows what to say and what to do. We go home and she says, "Cry more - it helps and by the way, great job on sticking it out today. You showed great strength." Not a direct quote because I was heavily medicated, but I think close. I came home ate dinner, puked up everything, and went to bed. I am doing better now - anxious of course for my scan and crossing my fingers for a little break so that I can get some good WEEKS in, recharge, and do it all over again. It is working and it is NOT forever...... Love, Ang