Sunday, October 24, 2010

Not my proudest round

Last week, I went in for chemo. I was okay. I was on antibiotics for my "lung infection" and they didn't make me feel great, but I was okay for chemo. My port didn't work so they injected it with an enzyme (snake venom) and said they could start my chemo in my arm while that worked away at my port. This process take 2 hours - adding 2 hours onto your treatment. I met with my oncologist and asked if we could reduce my chemo because of my weight loss. He looked at me quizzingly and said, "Let's see....sure a little..." and then he looked at me and said the fateful words, "What is really going on?" Well, where do I start? I feel like crap because of a "lung infection" which I am pretty sure is a more palatable word for pneumonia, I have lost 16 pounds and only gained back 8, I want to puke every time I have a full stomach, I HATE CHEMO and how I have to schedule my life around it......I am just tired. And then the tears came and me in all of my vanity says, "I can't cry today - I ran out of my waterproof mascara!!!" And in my oncologist's wonderful way, he checks and says, "It is still on - don't worry!" And then I cry harder because I should be thankful, instead of this weak, pathetic mess. My chemo is working. I am alive because of chemo. I should be thankful. I should kiss the floor every time I go into that place. I should be thankful for all the meals, help, ushering Mason to school, cleaning of my house, etc. etc. etc. I should have the guts to be able to do this with all the support I have, but I don't. I feel like so much of a self absorbed loser. I say, "I know, I should have a better attitude." as I dry my tears. My oncologist replies with, "You need a better attitude????? No, you need more of this. Maybe we should take a break?" I respond with, "My scan is next week." and he wheels start goin', "Okay, let's do this week, scan nex,t and then we can see if we can take a break. Okay?" Okay. So, you would think it would get better right? Nope. I am still the self absorbed mess I was. I go up to chemo. They start my chemo in my arm which HURTS like a *(&(*&(*&! Susie comes by and that distracts me, Elaine has an scan so she leaves and then I have to take my last antibiotic for my lung infection/pneumonia and I want to puke - LIKE PUKE HARD. I tell my nurse and she goes into serious mode with anti nausea, cold cloths, buckets, etc. It passes and then she just looks at me and it happens all over again. I have felt sick for a month, I have had three good days in 27 but who is counting? I love the fall and my anniversary got SCREWED up again because of this crap. I finally stop crying - mascara gone by now - and I say, "I know, I should have a better attitude." She gave me the lip pierced, side tilt thing like, "No, you need more of this.", but all she said was, "Ang, all you need to remember is that it is WORKING and it is NOT forever." I think in my head, "Promise?" but I know she can't do that. I get myself together and Elaine come back. Poor thing has missed all the drama, but knows what to say and what to do. We go home and she says, "Cry more - it helps and by the way, great job on sticking it out today. You showed great strength." Not a direct quote because I was heavily medicated, but I think close. I came home ate dinner, puked up everything, and went to bed. I am doing better now - anxious of course for my scan and crossing my fingers for a little break so that I can get some good WEEKS in, recharge, and do it all over again. It is working and it is NOT forever...... Love, Ang


auntie jane hainsworth said...

Bless you girl. This is so hard, and you are so loved. A great big hug, Jane

Anonymous said...

Maggie and I were talking about how strong you are to do all this medical stuff constantly maintaining a family structure and positive attitude. To say you do good is trivializing the courage and strength you show every day. We love you and encourage you to keep your strength and don't let the parasites get you down. pat&mag

Kari George said...

Sending hugs your way my dear! You are an amazing person...very strong, brave and hilarious (love your comment about running out of waterproof mascara BTW)! You are a CONSTANT inspiration to all that cross your path of life! I'm so thankful to have you in my life! Keep up the hard work...and yes, crying sometimes does's what helps us be strong! Love you babe!

Jill said...

Angie - you do not need a better attitude - your attitude is so much better than any one else would have! You need to stop being so hard on yourself and stop feeling like you need to kiss the ground when you're in chemo. It's chemo. It sucks. It's yucky and makes you feel awful. It's ok to hate it and it's ok to cry.

I hope you can get a break and that your scans come back with great news!

Carole said...

Hi Ang,

You don't know me but I've been reading your blog for a while now. Just wanted to say it's okay to cry and feel down about this.

Don't be so hard on yourself - you are an inspirational woman and anyway, crying is good for cleaning out the tear-ducts every once in a while :-)
Much luv and hugs xxxx

Anonymous said...

You are amazingly strong. Sometimes life sucks. Sometimes you need to cry and be self absorbed. Hells bells it ain't easy going through all this stuff. Take it one minute at a time. You have done so well. You must feel like shit. You are only doing what is normal. This too shall pass. Pound the ground, yell, and scream. Then relax and get some rest. Love you...Pam

Anonymous said...

You are human. Albeit a human of a very special and rare variety, but human just the same. No one is keeping score - remember that. And we like you happy, sad, hyper, mad, silly, mascara proofed (or not)or whatever else you need to be.

You are cherished. You are loved. You are in my thoughts and my prayers. You are my friend. You are a warrior. You are a survivor.

Best of are human.

Anonymous said...

I am so PROUD of you for what you are going through.
I do not know if I could have done it.( And i am the nurse )
You have come so far and you will even go a lot farther.
I admire your stamina,and all the bad and good things that you have dealt with.
Hang in there my friend
Love Peggy Smith

Laurie said...

Well, you may not have been so proud of yourself this past week, but the rest of the universe was. Everyone is rooting for you, praying for you, sending healing thoughts your way. We love you so much, dear friend.

Anonymous said...

Ang, you are so amazing! Such a blessing and I appreciate you so much. With tears streaming down my cheek this morning I am thinking and praying for you. I don't think you will ever realize what an incredible trooper you are and how you totally inspire the people around you by sharing your journey.
Just keep hangin in there, the prize is insight!!!
Thinking of you today!
Your unmet friend

Anonymous said...

It's okay to cry, Ang. Most people cry over matters that pale in comparison to your challenges. And for that, you you should be proud. You have incredible strength.

Love, Peter and Jo-Ann