Quite a Friday

Friday I had three appointments up at the hospital which turned into five and blood work. I don't know how to explain this, but every time I go up there, I am a mess. It is probably PSD, I don't know. I take my pill, I do meditation, I fill up on positive energy, but nothing can totally break the hell of just been done with them. I got there at 10:15, did my ultrasound on my thyroid that they have watched for years. I have an enlarged thyroid. Then blood work for the thyroid. Then upstairs, to my colorectal surgeon and had an exam to see how my rectal lesion was doing and my surgeon was really dower. Like, he walked in with my chart, says, "Why didn't you get a scan last month?" I told him that we pushed it off because we just started to have momentum in the rectum (no I didn't mean for that to rhyme), and thought we would give it a couple more chemos to see how far we could get it. I responded with a "AGRGGMMMMM". I have no idea what that even means. He does the exam and says, "It is 3mm by 3mm." I reply with, "Smaller, right?" "Uh Uh." Okay, I am thinking this is good, but by the way he is acting I almost let myself spin out of control. "Okay, get dressed and we will talk." He comes back in, sits across the room from me which he never does and I say, "Okay, you are freaking me out a little bit with this whole dower thing you got going on. My news is great, yes? We went from the size of you thumbnail (which is abnormally large BTW), to 3mm by 3mm." He then relaxed, exhales, and says, "Angie, I got a lot on my mind. No sweetie, I am euphoric about you." His "euphoric" and my euphoric - VERY DIFFERENT. Well, okay then, THAT'S is more like it. "Well, then on to them, I am fine, and I will get you result of my scan in two weeks." And then out of what seems like nowhere he gives me the biggest hug like he is trying to suck the energy (what little I have) out of me. I think it probably really sucks to be a doctor sometimes. I think he had a bad thing happen that day. Off to the endocrinologist for my thyroid, which apparently is not getting smaller like it does on chemo, but larger and starting to concern to my endocrinologist whose is 8 months pregnant. I told her about the scan coming up and she liked that, and she totally gets that she is second fiddle to my pesky Stage IV Colorectal Cancer, so we agree to this: She will get special thyroid pictures at my scan which will tell us if it is cancer or not, if not, we will probably biopsy it just to be sure and then talk about removing it after a six month review when I have this pesky cancer wrapped up, and she is back from maternity leave. And then we talked Mom stuff......she is having another little boy. Two boys 26 months apart. She said, "Mason and Nolan are 26 months apart." I was like, "What sort of freakish memory do you have????" So, we talked for a while. I gave her advice and that the first two years will be HARD (just eat out, get a house cleaner, don't plan on anything cause someone with be barfing, you are ALWAYS at the pediatrician, etc), but that I love 3 and 5. I really do. They play together, they say I love you to each other, they miss each other at school, it is really precious - way more than I can stand sometimes. SIDEBAR - when I was pregnant, I always said, "I just want a 3 and 5 year old. Why do we have to have babies....." I maintained that statement until the cancer diagnosis and then I cherished (almost) everyday, but now that I am staring down the barrel of their 6th and 4th birthdays, I am so grateful, happy, and mystified, I cannot even put it into words. Okay, I am back...she told me to remind her of all of this when I see her in six months. I gladly agreed. Then, I go to lunch and call my oncologist and tell him I cannot beat this cough and that I am a little bit worried. So, I get more appointments! I go in for a chest xray where they have to always do it again and again because I have freakishly large lungs. The tech this time said, "Were you athletic growing up?" I was like, "Sure, but not like marathons or anything. I always played sports, ran, and then played soccer as an adult, but not now. Why?" "Well, it shows and that is a good thing. You have huge lungs. You should really tell us that before we xray you next time." I am thinking, good thing I have huge lungs since they took 10 pieces out of them! So, I get the results and it doesn't look like cancer, but I have or still have that infection in my right lung. My oncologist is not concerned, but offers to push off chemo to do a scan and see for sure. I don't change the schedule - too many cogs to alert, change, etc. Plus, pushing off chemo just means more chemo later and we are not doing that. I get an rx for a antibiotic that cost me $30, so I hope it is a good one!!!! I am used to $1.80. So, as I leave First Hill it is 3pm. I have just wasted a beautiful sunny day at the cancer center. The question I guess really is, did I? Or did did I have a great day knowing that it is working, my thyroid is my thyroid and my exhaustion isn't chemo, it is just an infection. I am not sure until I come home. My one goal today was to put up the Halloween decorations before the boys came home. They LOVED it and then Nolan came up to me and said, "How were your doctors appointment?" I told him that I got my medicine it is wasn't the kind where I get sick - this one makes me better. "Good!" he replies and then he looks up at me and says, "Mommy, you are beautiful and I love you for all the days." And there is it - my day was PERFECT. Sometimes when I think of cancer as a job I hate and can't quit, those little boys shift my world and make it all okay. Happy Saturday...love, Ang