Today

If cancer teaches you anything, it is about today. Today I can do this, so I do. Today I feel bad, so I deal. Today I can go. Today I can't. Today I must find a way to take care of two boys and not let them feel like I am sick and in pain. Today I must dig deeper, pull harder, and reach - for me and for them. Tomorrow will take care of itself and yesterday is history. So, today I went to Mommy and Me with Nolan. I fought to go. I was okay there. My Mom went with just in case and then I got home. We played outside for a bit, watched the garbage man which is Mason's highlight of Tuesdays, and then it hit. These episodes usually start with having to go to the bathroom and end with shaking and sweating. It is a mixture of pain, exhaustion, and anger. So, during it I am taking Nolan upstairs for nap which he wants nothing to do with. I am shaking and sweating. I change his diaper which he is ticked off about, sing to him (very badly) and think, if I can just get him to sleep and Mason off with Grandpa for swimming this afternoon I can get it together. Nolan is down, Mason is downstairs watching Diego, and I am in the bathtub just long enough to ease the pain. The sweating stopped. My voice isn't shaking anymore and I realized I am on the other side of it. Now, you ask, why do I do this to myself? Because I wanted to get out of the house with my boys and be their Mom. Hey, I let my Dad take over swimming!!! I am tired of taking pills and have found alternative ways of dealing with my side effects which I am working through and finding my way. I am actually very optimistic for next round. I pull myself out of the bath tub just in time for Dad to show up to take Mason. Mason asks, "Are you better Mommy?" I say, "Yes, baby, I will be. Go have fun swimming!" He smiles and says, "Okay! Bye Mom." I get myself to the couch and lay there. The house is quiet and I slowly come out of it. Now, I am not jumping into a running suit, but I am better. Mason returns and I am still in my bathrobe. Nolan is up. I lay on the couch and take the opportunity to coach Mason and Nolan how to play trains together on the same track, share, and help each other. This is what I mean by dig deeper because seriously they are 3 1/2 and 20 months. And, I did it. Not a single scream, not a whine. By the end, Mason was offering to help, Nolan was sighing to him "help" and "thank you" and I in a very still celebration cried at my victory. I am half way through this treatment.....half way to go. Happy Tuesday, Ang