Tinkerbell

When Mason and I were getting ready for him to go to Grandma and Grandpa's this round, he brought a six pack of Ensure from the garage and said, "Here you go Mommy. Before you get sick." We packed his things, got him changed into his pjs, and brushed his teeth so he and his brother would be all ready to go. They were leaving on Monday night since my mornings were so bad. Remember, we all thought I was doing chemo the next day. Then, he looked up at me and said, "Mommy, your Tinkerbell tattoo to keep you safe." This has become a little tradition of ours. I may have mentioned it before (forgive me if I have), but "Tinkerbell" left some tattoos on my car before I started this series of treatments. Mason and I found them and decided that he and I would put one on me each time I went into treatment. He remembered this time and off we went upstairs to put them on before Grandma and Grandpa showed up. I asked Mason if he wanted one too this time. He smiled and said, "Yes sirree!" (SP!) Happily, he chose which one he wanted and we put it on. Of course, Nolan wanted one too and, then, as soon as it went on, he wanted it off. Oh well. So, here is the cute part. As you know, things got a bit messed up this week. I am still a little lost on what day it is, what I am doing, trying to know whether to change my entire schedule or wait until I see what the doctors say at my followup on Tuesday, balancing my guilt of bothering people by changing my schedule, etc. etc. etc. You know, my normal. And, then, Grant is talking to my parents on the phone and starts to laugh. Here is the story...Mason goes swimming with my Dad twice every time he stays with them. My Father has become his swim coach. Apparently, the Tuesday session didn't go very well until my Father figured out that Mason was only swimming with one arm trying to keep the tattoo out of the water. Isn't he the sweetest?? So, tonight, Grant and I picked them up from daycare. We stayed late and participated in the Harvest Party. It was a lot of fun. The kids were all dressed up. There were tons of games, face painting, toys, crafts, etc. As I was changing Mason into his costume, I noticed his tattoo - as perfect as the day I put it on him. Two swim lessons and three baths later! I just looked at it and the voices in my head started to bounce around, "Don't worry - you can reschedule Mason's party - we will be there.", "I will reserve Tuesday - no worries.", "Angie, we will just do whatever we have to do.", "Do you need me....", "It will all work out.....we will bring it to you.....I can handle that for you......" I got a little dizzy and had to catch my breath. I guess the hard part is that if I do heal enough to do chemo next week, I lose Halloween, Thanksgiving, National Scrapbook Day, a play with my Mom and Aunt, and all of my careful scheduling and planning of, not only my time, but my parent's, Elaine's, Karissa's, etc. goes up in smoke. These are all things I wanted so badly and had planned around. So, there is part of me that prays that I can't do chemo next week and that we add a treatment on to the end of the schedule. Mason will never know his birthday was postponed, I will get everything I want out of this season, and I will bother the people I depend on a little as possible. But, if the recommendation is that I do go in for chemo next Tuesday, I will fall back on my amazing safety net and what I learned with infertility. You always hope for what you want them to say, but reserve a little bit of your heart for what they have to say. I got through that, and I will get through this - even if it is all blows up in smoke. After all, I got my Tinkerbell. Love, Ang P.S. Clearly, I am not good at "sayings". If you have followed my blog, I think that is CLEAR. Also, my butt is doing very well!!!! :)