Monday, September 29, 2008

Not going as well as I had hoped....

After the first round, I bounced back fast. This round - I am still at home. I have not left the house since I got unhooked on Thursday which means the last thing I did outside my neighborhood, besides chemo and unhook, was Costco on Monday, September 23rd. I even had to call Karissa to help me this morning. It is not that I am a total invalid, but that I am afraid of having an "episode" and being alone with the boys. Karissa is so well trained and the kids run to hug her when she comes. She gets my mind off the crappy part of the process also, so it is a win-win for me and the kids. All Karissa gets is free food which she seems to think is enough and I am not going to inform her otherwise until she asks. When I wasn't bouncing back like I thought I should, I cried. Then, when it just kept going on and on, I got mad. And, now, I am just calm. Everyone is jumping in to help, and, instead of being mad or sad about not being able to care for my family, I am just resigned to it. I am thankful for the help and grateful of the depth of human generosity that is never endingly bestowed on my family. Cancer is that way, you think you got it under control and it shows you don't. In that same vain, I think it is so interesting that there are so many articles and so many websites and so many conversations about "how to prevent cancer". Let's see - diet, exercise, stress - they all have a slant or a message giving you the idea that you actually can control this. The only thing I can think of is I probably put more stress on myself than I should have for little things, but besides that, I did the diet thing, I was never a couch potato, and I didn't have any family history so the next time I hear that I can prevent cancer by having annual exams, doing bloodwork, eating right, and staying active, I think I am going to vomit on the author. During one of my pity parties, I said to a neighbor, "And now they are giving me chemo again....(implying that it was the doctor's fault that I had to get chemo)" and she replied with, "Well, it isn't really their fault they are giving you chemo. They are doing it because the cancer came back." I am looking at her like, this is my pity party, I don't have them often, I know that what you are saying is true, but let's remember this is my party. Then, she continues as my eyes cross, and says, "and you can't blame yourself, you can't control this, and THAT is the sucky part - there is no one to blame and no reason to point to." I didn't know whether to pop off her head or kiss her. She finished with, "You are one of the most positive people I have ever met, so you can't have this party - it is not you." Pop off her head. Unfortunately, or fortunately for her, I was too tired and what she said was true, so she still has her head and I am over my pity party. I even noticed the beautiful sunrise this, Ang


Anonymous said...

Angie, You are a rock. In your situation, you should be allowed a pity party to the extreme, with streamers, confetti, a lampshade on your head, a full New Orleans marching band, triple strength Margaritas, Barry Manilow singing "At the Copa" and dancing pink hippos in tutus and toe shoes.

Being PO'd at the world in general and those who have the advice but not the personal experience (Like magazine writers, people like myself and even Healthcare professionals who are healing you but with painful treatments) seems way normal to me.

You are the picture of grace and strength. You are holding together what would have long ago shattered in many of us, and still concerned for the feelings of others. You've helped so many people. Chickens are just coming home to roost. Love Jane

Anonymous said...

Aargh. Don't you hate it when people call you on your crap. Makes me so very angry. =)

Just remember: If you were perfect, I'd have to hate you.

Of course, if you had the party Jane described, I think we'd all be pretty happy. (except for the morning after, maybe . . .)

Gem said...

Angie, Sorry to hear that you are not doing that well. Miss you!