Yesterday was good, today not so much

Yesterday I had three doctor's appointments all around my bleeding and pain. The Radiation Oncologist told me that he didn't want to lessen the dosage because he wants me to have the best shot at the tumor never coming back. He explained that this is part of the deal and that I just need to get through it. He assured me that there will be no permanent damage, I will heal as soon as treatment is over (December 20), and all will be as it was. He asked me, "Can you do it?" I replied with, "If you tell me we have to do it, I will find a way to get through it." I then met with the Colon/Rectal Surgeon and he helped me with pain management. He was hucking samples at me left and right and told me to try everything until we find was will make it tolerable. He is great. A while back he told me he was going to do missionary work and that he may not be the one to do my surgery. I was crushed. I tried to be happy for him, but the words, "Well, that is quite inconvenient for me!" fell out of my mouth before I could stop them. Sometimes my mouth is way faster than my brain. Yesterday, I apologized for that previous comment and asked me when he was leaving. He smiled and said, "Well, a few things came up, so not until 2009." I looked at him and he said, "Yes, you are one of them." I just looked down almost started crying, but I was too happy to cry. I am truly evil, Anyhoo.....things started going downhill last night. Sometimes it all is too much and with my kids at my Mom and Dad's for a couple days, I let down and it all came out. Nerves, worries, gratitude, self pity, anger, and, of course, pain. With all the doctor's appointment, driving into Seattle twice, and stopping by Costco (yes, that was a bad choice), I realized when I got home I did too much. I was up most of the night with my bowels making me pay for it and I didn't sleep much. So, today was crap, but I went for treatment. I cried most of the way there. I got myself together to go into the building, Angela, at the front desk saw me, hugged me, and smiled. Everyone took care of me, but not too much today. I saw my oncologist afterwards and he said, "We are not starting chemo (pill form). It will make everything worse down there and I don't think you can take that right now." I replied, "If you say we have to, I will find a way to get through it." He looked me in the eye and said, "I know. Now, you let me worry about the treatment and you just get through this." And, with a smile and a hug, I slowly leave, drive home, and get to the couch. I watch TV and wonder when I will desire the food on food commercials again, answer the phone, and rest. Just now I had enough energy to blog. Don't worry, I know tomorrow will be better than today. So, if you will excuse me, I need to go write on the bathroom mirror "16" and cross out "17" in red lipstick. That is how I am getting through this - red lipstick on my bathroom mirror. When all else fails, lipstick never lets you down. Tomorrow, I will write"15" and I will be half way done. Love, Ang