Mother's Day

It is interesting because I always think of what I was doing last year. Last year at this time, I was in-between lung surgeries. The first had gone well. I was sleeping sitting up. I was going between my parents house and my own. I was helping my Mom plant her plants in the pots on her landscaping wall (so that I didn't have to bend over) and digging/planting with ONE ARM. Donna would watch movies with me at night. I have not been out for Mother's Day for years. I am usually helping my Mom plant, Grant takes care of the kid/kids, and brings both of us dinner. This year was very different. This year we were going to Toronto to visit Grant's Mom. He hasn't been with his Mom on Mother's Day in about ....oh, 20 years. We thought it was time. My Mom handled it GREAT. Tough for a woman that only has one child. She planted all her plants herself - what a trouper. She and I celebrated Mother's Day last Thursday and had a very nice time. Here is where the story takes a turn. We were leaving on Saturday morning. Mason had been a little off all week. He was waking up in the night. He was crawling into our bed. He was tired, cranky, and just not himself. After his bath on Thursday night, he yelped when I brushed my arm by his ear, then daycare called on Friday saying he had a low grade fever and that is when I said, "I gotta go to the doctor." He had an ear infection in BOTH ears. He didn't want to tell me because he wanted so badly to go on the plane to see his Grandma Lil. He kept saying, "Mom, I can handle it." I was like, "No, you can't. It is 7 hours on two planes. Two take offs and two landings." I could not do that to him without having at least a couple days of medicine in his system. The good news is Grant and Nolan did. Grant was with his Mom on Mother's Day and Nolan FINALLY met his Grandma Lil. After Grant and Nolan called to say they arrived, Mason and Nolan were talking on the phone and Nolan said, "MASON! We have TWO Grandmas!" Mason sat down, crossed his legs, and replied, "Yes, yes, Nolan we always have. We used to have two Grandpas, but one died." Just like that, "..one died." O-K-A-Y.... After that, Mason decided that he needed a sleep over at Grandma and Grandpa's also. So, he called and asked. They, of course, said yes. So, on Mother's Day, Mason woke up, packed his bags, got the coffee machine set up because Dad wasn't home to make me a coffee, and took me to breakfast. He paid and everything. Like, went up to the counter and paid with his own money. We had a great day and that afternoon, I dropped him off and came home by myself. My Mom made a great dinner and sent me home the leftovers. Now, for some, you would think this was sad. But, I wasn't. They are all finally free of the fear of losing me - FINALLY. This feeling is amazing - for me too. I got home and watched a movie, I got caught up on email, I took a long shower, I went to bed REALLY late, I got up REALLY late, I went to the gym, I stopped at like 4 different grocery stores only confirming that I love Fred Meyer. Now, I know I have been home a lot. I have been alone a lot in the past three years, but this time I was alone and healthy. No kids, no husband, and no cancer. I could do anything. I could go anywhere. I could, but all I wanted to do is cook, pet my cat, watch movies, and sleep. Fourteen years in this house and it is still my favorite place. I remember when it was just Grant and I, when Mason was born, Nolan and cancer, paramedics in my living room, all the people that know my house inside and out from cleaning, taking care of kids, emptying my dishwasher, yard work......everything. And now, me, home, alone, healthy. A new chapter. Mason came home yesterday. I smelled behind his ears, tucked him in and told him I was so glad he was home. Nolan and Grant come home today.....Happy Mother's Day to me. Love, Ang

Learning to live with PSD

Everything is going well, Grant's business is rolling along, I am busy with the boys and T-Ball, swim lessons, work, BUT then there are still the doctor's appointments. Every time I have to go to the doctor, my blood pressure is high, I talk REALLY fast, and I sweat - like a lot. I had this reaction going to the DENTIST. I will say, I did have a dentist appointment at 7:00am. Mornings are still not great for me. It is a whole issue that I am not going to put on the blog. That is one of the three boundaries I have left. So, I have resorted to anti anxiety meds in many cases. If I don't things like this happen.......I scared my GYN/Oncologist at my last appointment. He is a very tall, older Southern gentleman that, after I down loaded my three bladder infections in six weeks, my aversion to my continued physical therapy because of the three bladder infections in six weeks, and then started apologizing for my selfishness on complaining about bladder infections when he is administering chemo to patients down the hall. His eyes got big and said, "Angela....uuuuu....we need to....well, need to....." I spouted out, "To backup??? Yes, I know, a gal with my medical history is bound to get wound up...." He looked at me, pierced his lips and raised both of his eyebrows like, "YEP". He didn't say a word. Smart man. Pause. Pause. Shallow breath. Shallow breath. Then, he very gently put his hand on my knee and said, "You know, first we need to get you comfortable with all this. All of this is normal....based on your treatment.....you have no estrogen......your body is in menopause.......this is normal.....especially with the PT.........you are fine.......you are doing well......let's do an exam.......I can give you an rx that you can take on trips with you so that if you get a bladder infection when you are out of town you are covered......but if you are in town please come by and leave a sample so that I can track this.....you are very good at self diagnosis with bladder infections.......will that reduce your anxiety?" Exhale. Yes. Exam actually went great. I don't have to see him for six months AND I don't have to do another ultrasound. So, either I am doing very well or I scared the pants off of him and he never wants to see me again. Time will tell. Medical PSD - FABULOUS. So, I think the anti anxiety med are the best plan for a while, don't you???? Happy Wednesday - Ang

T-Ball

Last Saturday was Mason's first ever T-ball Jamboree. OMG. First, I was never a baseball person. I played sports where you had CONTACT with the ball. Soccer, basketball, etc. Stick or racket sports have NEVER been my strength. I am particularly hilarious to watch at racquetball. I just don't get it and I just stand there laughing hysterically. Anyway, we are there, all is going well and then....yep, you think I would get over this crap, but there are pictures and each team goes across a line with just them and their coach. NO PARENTS. Okay, Mason cannot read, but when I got to the line he said, "Mom, not you. Just me and my team." I replied a bit confused my his ability to know that, "Okay - smile like you do for professional pictures, not my pictures!" I didn't think anything of it, but then I looked around. Grant had Nolan.....and I had....well, I had no one. So, glanced over and there were a group of parents lurking over at the picture site. They were out of calling range, but some parents were still trying. I didn't say a word. A woman started chatting with me, but I couldn't really hear her. I was just staring at Mason. She was talking about Kindergarten. All the kids on the team are divided by school so they will be going together in September and all I could hear was, "BLAH BLAH BLAH..." I just focused on Mason. I knew I was probably being REALLY rude, but I wanted to see if he could do it. He was up next. They give him the bat. They show him how to pose. He does it. On the first try.....and it is BEAUTIFUL. He was perfect. Without me. And then I exhale......he can do it.....I got here.....he is five......I got here. See, I worked at Childhaven and more than that I bought and, quite frankly you should too. I always knew the principles of what happens to kids between 0-5, just by watching how we all grew up. Then, I volunteered in an orphanage in Mexico after college and I found that the kids that were there from birth were FAR better adjusted, socialized, healthy, and happy then they ones that came from a "family" that fell apart, died, whatever. I was a business major, so I wasn't a person that could intellectually talk about it, but it didn't take rocket science to figure it out. When I was first diagnosed, I said, "I need 15 years so that Nolan would be 15." When I realized how bad it was, I prayed for five years. Just five to feel my love, just five to be safe, just five so that he could learn, love, and be loved. Just five. And that is when I turned and went to find Grant. Luckily, the woman got interested in something or someone else, so it didn't look so obvious. As I walked, the tears came. I made it for Mason, now there is Nolan. I guess the the best part was that I truly know in my heart that Mason and Nolan would make it even without me. I have known the greatest community I have even seen - my family, my friends, and some people that I have never met. They took care of me, loved me, cheered me on, cared for me and my family...the list goes on and on. No matter what happens, they will be loved and, most likely (jury is still out on Nolan, but he is coming along) they will love RIGHT BACK. Yeah - I made it. Love, Ang P.S. If you want to know more about child development and the first five years of life, see childhaven.org - they are on Facebook too - who knew?!?!?!

And we are potty trained!

Wow, are the stars aligning or what?!?!?! Four accidents the first day (before the first pee in the potty), didn't make it to the potty in the middle of the night in time BUT DID NOT pee the bed, one accident yesterday, did not wet the bed last night and none (so far) today. I am slightly amazed but THRILLED!!!!! He is QUITE a kid! Love, Ang

Results.....

PERFECT. Yeah! Love, Ang

Chest X-ray

in 9.5 hours. I don't know why I am up. I have no reason to believe it will be bad. Yet, here I am - sleepless, restless, and just plain scared. The anxiety started to creep in a week ago.....then it got worse, then better, and then it was AWFUL yesterday. I feel that I may be wearing my friends and family thin with all of this and I am quite sure Grant is done with it. I have asked if this ever goes away. The answer I always get it NEVER - even five years out. I don't want to be this way and I can't figure out how to change it. I try to do things different every time, yet, it is always the same and I forget something (like the water bill) or lose something (like a diaper bag) EVERY TIME. In addition, my Mom is going in for cataract surgery tomorrow. She is actually THRILLED and has been waiting for this for a while. What sort of weirdo wants surgery on her eyes!?!?!?! I see Shelly (my cancer girl that I talked about in January) tomorrow in chemo - she is doing great by the way - amazing girl. We hope that she is done - like done done - in June and she certainly is blazing down that road! And then, I go for my X-ray at 11:40. Susie (my other cancer buddy) just happened to be going to give her blood sample tomorrow, so she said she would sit with me while I wait for results. It will be fine - either way - or so I keep telling myself. On the flip side, when things are NOT anxiety ridden, life is pretty good, pretty crazy and we are now entering the world of potty training for Nolan. Many of you I have told this story too, but a lot mentioned that I need to blog it....so here goes, ending on a crazy/funny note.....enjoy! March 17th email to my baby group......"So Nolan is READY to potty train, but he is just too bull headed and will not even wear the pull ups that I had left over from Mason. (NOTE: Pull ups are a type of diaper that you can pull up and down like underwear - used when you are starting to potty train.) I have done everything, day care/preschool has done everything. Today, I had had it! I said, "Fine, you are buying your own diapers." AND HE SAID, "OKAY!" So, as I was getting ready to go to the store (because we are OUT of diapers), I got their money out, gave them both $20 (of their own money remember) and said they could buy ANYTHING THEY WANT, but Nolan, you have to buy diapers which cost $20, so I guess you can't. We got to the store, Mason picked a toy, Nolan wanted it, but I said, "Nope, you have to buy diapers." So, as we were going to the diapers, he screamed, I am mean SCREAMED, "I WILL USE THE PULL UPS!!!!" and then looked at me and said, "Now, can I get a toy?" I said, "Yep, but remember this, when the pull ups are done, you are either buying your own pull ups OR going in the potty." And then he said, and I don't know how to spell it, but he was like, "AAARRRRGHHHH!" What a TOOL!" ....Okay, fast forward to now....we are low on Pull Ups and Nolan told me he wants to go buy diapers. I said, "You will buy pull ups or go on the potty." We got out the calendar and he decided that he would go on the potty THIS SATURDAY and be potty trained by when the Easter Bunny comes. Quite a feat I am thinking, but he is quite a kid. Wish us luck! Love, Ang

Life now....

So, I have been merrily going along but I still notice that things are REALLY different now. Physically, I am doing well. My body is 20 lbs heavier than I would like it but I have been told that I should be kind to it and not too frustrated for a while.....exercise, eat well, and be very thankful that it fought the fight it did. Emotionally, I am well. I still get the tears of joy and gratefulness. The last one was when we were saying goodbye to Rob and Jen at Big White in British Colombia. I just choked up and could not speak for a second. I never thought I would be back in Eastern BC - and even more - SKIING! But there are a couple things that are REALLY different. First, remember my spot? The place that my friend set up that I was to be able to feel anything, be anything, and have to help me process my mourning, sadness, etc? Well, I still have it. I now share that room (the study) with Grant and one day he put something on my chair (in my spot) and I said, "Yeah, here is the thing, I will share my office, but not my spot. Get it off." He looked at me a little like, "Wow, she was nicer in cancer treatment.....", but he moved it. My spot is still used, in fact, the other day, I was looking at my spot...and smiling. My spot consists of a big chair with a table next to it and a small basket. On the table, there is a picture of Bob and I, a candle from the one that helped me create the "spot", a Tinkerbell from Jane, a angel from my childhood best friend, worry beads from someone I never met, and a coaster for a beverage. The basket is for miscellaneous cancer stuff. Now, instead of a hot drink on the coaster because of my temperature sensitivity, I had a beer. Wow, how times have changed. Another thing, I rarely use the computer downstairs anymore. It doesn't go to treatment with me, it doesn't sit next to the bathtub for email, movies, or hulu, it just is for the kids - Nick Jr. to be exact. Last week, Mason was complaining about it and said it was slow, so I worked on it a bit, cleaned it up and now it is "acceptable" (Mason's word) again. (I was like, "Dude, we didn't even have movies at home when I was a kid!!!" Crap - I am so sounding like my parents with the, "we walked to school in the snow uphill BOTH ways......we only had one radio.......I used to freeze at night.....imagine life without plastic....) But, I digress......I also cleaned the screen, the mouse pad, and the keyboard. Dear Lord, how can a kids get something so gross????? But here is the BIG difference......during cancer treatment, that computer was cleaner than any computer I have every had. Not because of germs, because it was the window to my world. Now, it isn't. Now, I am IN THE WORLD. :) Ang

Great News....

After a whirlwind month which included going to Kauai with our friends and family (only 17 of us this time), proposals that we won and lost, and working working working, I saw my Oncologist yesterday. When I first got there I was fine, no worries, and then as I sat to wait for my blood draw, an older gentleman was confused by the lab. When you get your blood drawn at our lab (which is conveniently located across the lobby from the oncologist), they ask you, "Arm or port?" He was confused, so I asked his wife (who was in a wheel chair) if she has a port and showed her mine. Her face was very disfigured. It was swollen with skin graphs, but she was able to speak quite well. So, I answered for her husband and explained to him what it was. "Thank God we haven't had to do that!" he exclaimed. I figured he thought it was like the old kind where a piece hung out of you, so I showed him mine and told him a little about it. Then, the woman next to me asked me how long I had had mine. I told her and she said, "If you get really lucky, you get a power port." Power ports are like the Cadillac of all ports. I was like, "NO WAY - those are cool!" She said, "They are." And so the woman with the face said, "So, I want one of those?" We both said, "No. YES. NO!" We chaTted for a while, swapped stories, and laughed a bit, She was really sweet. The nurses convinced me to flush my port and I chatted them for a while. Then, the oncology nurse came to get me which was a good thing because I can't be strong forever - if I am there for too long I get the hibbie gibbies (SP!) We talked about mutual friends and how one died that "wasn't supposed to" and I said, "I just gave up asking why. It hardly seems worth it. I don't know why I am still here....I guess I just got lucky with it stabilized and became operable." She looked at me and said, "Ang, there is a reason you are here.....there is just a reason. Enough said." I am thinking like, "So, what is it????", but I couldn't get the words out without tearing up. My grief was for the past patients, not for me. Just then, my oncologist walked in. We chatted for a while about how I am tired, but from only good things, about my other docs, about Kauai, about normal stuff and then he said, "Have you had a scan?" I was like, "Dude, that is not until next month, so NO." He smiled and said as he was examining me, "Well, I think you might like what I have to tell you." By this time, my nerves were getting the best of me and as a defense, I said, "You got a reason why I am still alive????" Looking at me like I am the nut I am, he said, "No, but I do think that you are doing so well that we don't need to do a scan next month. How about a chest X-ray next month and a scan in three months? AND, you only have to come see me every other month. I will miss you greatly, but I think it is the right thing to do." About half way through this new protocol, I looked at the floor and exhaled. I said, after he was done, "You know, I could get used to this." He put his hand on my back and said, "I could too." So, with a hug, we said the stuff people say when they have been down this ridiculous road together. I got dressed, made my appointments, and GOT THE HELL OUT OF THERE. I have never gotten this far in this journey and I remember when I went into remission the first time, my oncologist was like, "And you HAVE to come in every month, and you HAVE to get scans every quarter, and you HAVE to....etc. etc. etc." And, so it has been......until now. A little more freedom which oddly enough is scary too, but not so scary that I ain't taking it with BOTH HANDS AND RUNNING WITH IT. Happy Friday, Ang

Mason, Grant, and Nolan

I am posting about my boys today. Today I went on a field trip with Mason to Chinatown. This is the second field trip that I have been on with Mason. He has had a lot of them, but this is the second one I have been on. The first was when I was first diagnosed and I quickly found out that was not something I could easily do. So, it was been off the "to do" list for three years. He is so used to telling me what happened and whose Mommy took care of him. He tells me, in great detail, who misbehaved, and who didn't which always includes him. But today, he didn't have to, because I was his helper. Now, for most people, you would think, "Wow, things are really back to normal" and they are, but this is a kid that when I get sick with a cold and mistakenly say, "Mommy doesn't feel so hot today......" he jumps into action and starts putting things away and "helping" with lunch and putting things in the frig and says, "Don't worry Mommy, I will take care of you and, when you die, I will take care of Daddy and Nolan." Sometimes he asks me when I am going to die and I explain that I may not, we just don't know, but I don't want him to worry about it because I am healthy now and NOW is what matters. I tell him that he will NOT be responsible for everyone and that he is just a kid.....but it doesn't matter what I say, he is just that type of boy. Such a burden. We talk about now, we talk about Tinkerbell, we talk about heaven, and then, when there is nothing left to say, I just hug him and kiss him until the tears stop and he laughs so hard he can't talk anymore. Now, Grant....well, you know, Grant has been working in his new business, and he is doing well. We aren't rolling in any money, but he is busy, working, and he even invoiced a client. So, things are going in the right direction. I am amazed at how happy he is and I am a little bit in awe of how talented he his. His writing is really good, but you know, it is about cleaning dirt. HOWEVER, he is not allowed in Kinko's by himself EVER AGAIN. I knew this would happen. See, he has NEVER worked without a word possessor, CAD guy, receptionist, etc. etc. etc. and it is starting to show. So, I edit (no proof reading - you all know I am a horrid proof reader - I am good at formatting), I make it look pretty, and I get it out. I think he thought he could go to Kinkos, have it copied, bound, and sent by FedEx in 30 mins. No. By the time I got there....well, let's just say, I told him leave. He looked something like a deer in the headlights (I know what that is since Grant is like an expert at hitting deer, but he misses Moose) and a lost puppy. For me, that part of the project is easy, but it takes focus, respect, and time. So, he ran to his next meeting and I focused on the project. Run home, fix the formatting he screwed up, go to Kinko's in Kent, find out they suck, go to Kinko's in Tukwila which is amazing, copy test, review, decide, copy, bind, research paper while they are binding, take it to my Fed Ex Office that I know will get it there, call Mike for a the contact phone number (because Grant is in a meeting), get it, send it, tell a story about the new show "Boss something" and go home. 2.5 hours. Done. He calls about an hour later and says, "So, how it is going? Oh, it is done? All four copies? To the right person? I have to call Mike and tell him. It will be there by noon right?" I reply with, "It's done, yes, yes, already done, yes." And he exhales, "Thanks." Oh, my Grant. (Smile) And, then there is Nolan. Well, Nolan is still Nolan. Self absorbed. Gonna turn three and keeps telling anyone that ticks him off (including me) that they are not coming to his birthday and they don't get cake. Yeah, I know. I just respond with, "If I ain't coming, you ain't havin' a party." Nolan looks at his Dad. He responds with, "What she said." We are GREAT parents. ;) So, here is my message.......while things are crazy and complicated, I still feel my eyes fill up with tears of appreciation that I am the one the "save the day", that can explain to Mason that he is still a kid, and that puts Nolan in his place. Yeah me. Love, Ang

Normal Life

Since Christmas, I have been doing really well, but sometimes this normal life thing is busy - holy cow! Lots has happened since I last emailed, Grant and I passed the New Year on a date (not in chemo) that was nice, I am still doing my mini job, and, now, working for him. Yep, Grant FINALLY started his own business which is wonderful and a little scary all at the same time (thank God for home equity loans because no one else will give us a loan now!). He has wanted this for so long I can't tell you. When we were first married and I said, "Who is going to hire someone with less than 10 years of experience?". In 1998, he asked again, and I said, "You need an MBA." In 2001, he got one. Then, we wanted children and by the time we got done with fertility and pregnancy, I said, "Are you NUTS?!? We are having a baby!" Then, we had another, then, I got cancer. Now, he has 18 years of experience, an MBA, two kids that are not babies, and I am cancer free. Basically, I got nothin'. So, "Crete" was started. It has some symbolism. Grant loved ReTec where he started 18 years ago. Crete is a word scramble of that. It is also an island which he and his partner found they liked, but most of all Grant loves nicknames for employees. Yes, I told him several times as an HR director that is not advised, but he "selectively heard", it was. So, he now, if he is successful enough to ever have "paid" employees (unlike myself) he can call them "cretins" and when they leave, he can call them "excretins". He LOVES that part. He is a classy guy. So, onward Cretins, may you flourish!!!! (I will remain unpaid therefore dodging the title.) So, in all of this, I juggle. And then, real life happens......I get a call. Thirty five year old woman, two small kids, married, Stage Four Colorectal Cancer. She is my oncologist's patient. I call the cancer center - she goes in tomorrow. I tell them I am coming and they say, "She needs to hear it from you - not us - you." I put together a "kit" of items that she may not have, a list of things she may need, and I blow through the doors of the treatment center. I don't even think about how I haven't been there since treatment.......I go to her room and one of the nurses says, "Hey, they called to tell me you were coming - she needs to see you now." She interrupts the Social Worker and says, "Shelly, you need to talk to this cancer patient." I feel like looking behind me because I can't been that important, but again, as I surprise myself. I enter the room, say hi, and ask how she is doing. She says, "I've been better." And I reply, "I know - this sucks." Her husband looks tired and the social worker doesn't say a word. So, we begin, at the beginning. She is scared and I am confident. She has fight in her eyes - I like that. We talk for a while and I tell her I will be back in two weeks. Wow, the difference two weeks makes - now, she is confident, and calm. She told me about her "good week". She is determined and amazing. I tell her I will be back in two weeks. BTW - yes, I got the lecture about "taking care of myself". Bob would have gone; and will I - GAME ON. Not much later, I get a call at 7:30 in the morning. It is one of my college friends. One of the ones that I went to Leavenworth with. I answer, "What is wrong?" "______'s Dad died suddenly last night" she cries. Life. Normal. Life. The beauty in the sadness is that, as we always do, we get together, combine frequent flyer miles, buy down tickets, got free lodging from a friend of a friend and we will all be there - for her. There will be hundreds, if not many more, at this particular funeral. We may not even see her - but she knows we will be there. So, if you could say a little prayer for Shelly who charges on; and for my friend who loved her Dad, that would be great. Life. Normal. Heroic. Sad. Beautiful. Worth it. Love, Ang