Living my dreams

Legoland. Every time I have had to go into treatment I have always had something to look forward too. My goals were many. This time one of them was Legoland. I planned the trip back in February. I made the reservations for the room and the car, but I did not do the airline tickets. I asked permission from my oncologist and he said, "If you really want to go, we can work around a short trip like that." I still didn't buy the airline tickets. I finished up chemo, I survived lung surgery, but I still didn't buy the airline tickets. And then, after I survived the camping trip, I bought the tickets. If I could do that, I could fly to Legoland. HOWEVER, this would be the first trip as a family BY OURSELVES. Not that we didn't have offers, we did. But we needed to do this on our own. I was a bit nervous and I planned everything down to the most specific detail. On July 9 at 7:00 in the morning, the plan went into action. At 7:30, Nolan (my rock, the one that doesn't get sick) started puking in the truck. I was ready to bail, go home, we can't do, that is it, God is telling me to go home, adios, bye bye. Grant was like, "Honey, I think it is just going to be okay." Husband rate VERY low in those ordeals, so I called Karissa and she answered the phone half asleep. I apologized and told her I didn't know what to do. I said, "I don't have pukers." She replied, "Angie, you kinda do. It will be fine. He will be fine. GO." So, we forged on. He puked probably seven times before we got on the plane. I am VERY good with a Ziplock bag. Oh, and by the way, I was informed that the next time I go through security I have to but the puke Ziplock through the X-Ray machine. (I am sure you could see my face when they informed me of that one.....R-I-G-H-T.) We weren't too messed up, but I kept looking at Grant and he kept nodding like we can do this. Nolan stopped puking halfway through the flight. We landed, got the car, went to the park, and all the sudden he was hungry and VERY thirsty. We had a great afternoon at the train museum. The boys loved it! We checked into our hotel, went swimming, ate dinner, and slept. I then proceeded to think about every trip we have been on in the last two years. Mason has puked on every trip. Funny how I cannot recognize that I "have pukers" until one of my best friend tells me that I do. The next day we went to Legoland. Just like Disneyland last year, upon entering the park, I realize it is actually happening. I realize that I am doing what I have dreamed about, what I have planned for, and what I wasn't sure I would be around to do. I usually tear up, but no tears fall. I take a few deep breaths and then I mentally thank all the people that got me there - it is a long list, so I group them. ;) The moment passes and then I can get back to, "MOMMY, look at THAT!!" and "MOMMY, I want to do THIS!" We played for two days straight. Nolan never took a nap - and he loves his naps. By the time we were going home, he was walking around with his eyes totally bloodshot, staggering really, and I believe thinking, "MUST KEEP GOING......MUST KEEP GOING....." The night before we left, Nolan got a fever. Luckily, I had medicine and got it under control. I panicked a bit and said, "Should we stay longer??? What if it is the swine flu????" It wasn't. It was just a little kid that needed more rest and beat up his system for three days straight. Grant looked at me and said, "We can get home. It is just a fever." We did. Nolan is fine. We did it. Alone, as a family. (pause) WOW. (pause pause) I am so lucky. My dreams come true, but even more importantly, I am very aware that they are my dreams and I get to live them. May you be so lucky. Happy Wednesday, Ang P.S. This was Nolan's FIRST roller coaster!

Too much fun and just a bit tired...

The past week has been filled with Legoland and Day with Thomas......I have lots to tell, but to tired to do it.....I am doing fabulously.......Enjoy the weather, Ang

O-K-A-Y then!

I saw my oncologist on Friday and he said, "If you feel as good as you look, we are doing great." I LOVE HIM. I haven't exercised in two years, I am (according to his medical program) 30 lbs overweight (I say 15 lbs) and he says I look great. I must dress well.....or maybe it is the Bobbi Brown makeup. I did dye by hair the previous morning......who is to know..... maybe the cancer bar is just so low, I can easily hurdle it. OH WELL!!! I told him that really I was doing well. Yes, I am not perfect. It hurts when my children pound on my back and at the end of the day my sternum can hurt, but I don't take anything. It is nothing but a mild irritation. I have gotten rid of all the remaining pain meds (except the Vicodin - smile). Really, I am only seven weeks out from about the most horrific experience of my life. It is amazing what the mind does. It seems SOOOO far away already and like it hardly happened. I am meeting with a woman next week that is going to do surgery with my surgeon. When I initially talked to her, she was really scared. She mentioned to me that she has slept her ENTIRE LIFE on her right side (the side of surgery) and was worried she wouldn't be able to sleep. I was like, "You will HAPPILY sleep on your left. Really, no worries there." She laughed and I think that was the beginning of her easing up. She is better now, so we are going to lunch so that I can pass along the "ROCKSTAR" pillow, hair shower in a cap that I didn't use (handy gadget), and some lavender oil from my oil lady. I offered to show her my back too which I think she really appreciates. She lost her husband to cancer 8 years ago.....tough gig. I met her through a friend of a friend of a friend. It started with Susie, my cancer buddy. I LOVE HER TOO. We spent some time together on Friday and it was really the best. Things you can only talk about to each other and things that no one else really gets unless you have been through it. She also introduced me to "wine spritzers". Yeah, she is a little bit of a bad influence, but she wouldn't be fun if she wasn't! Okay, so here is why I am posting under the title of, "O-K-A-Y then!", in a word NOLAN. Last night, Grant had to work late, I picked the kids up from day care, brought them home, cooked a pizza, ate, and got them in the bath. When I was doing Nolan's lotion (he is my sensitive skin guy - thanks DONNA!), he asked for, "A WOT OF WOTION!" He is not-so-good with the "L"s yet. So, I gave him a fair amount and as I was lathering him up I said, "Are you going to put that somewhere?" He smiled and continued to rub in between his fingers and than WHAM! straight to his "package". As he is massaging it in and going on about it is a lot and how he needs to do it because, and I quote, "Daddy boke it!" (Daddy used the wrong diaper rash cream that irritates his skin when he in fact has a rash.) I am full out laughing, looking at him rub his cream into his area, and thinking, "Where the heck is the video camera?!?!?!?!" Happy weekend, Ang

Normal Life?

Life is moving along nicely. I still have Fridays that are riddled with doctor's appointments, but it is all just to monitor me. Apparently, I struggle with situational anxiety that I am being referred to get help with. My therapist friends tell me it is not silly, but I think it probably is. I just get anxiety when I am out alone with the kids. Of late, it seems to be going away, but I have to say that I do not stray far from home for too long with them. And, if I do, someone is there with me for most of the time. I have found my way through all the bills from the surgeries, billing nightmares, and am so thankful for good insurance. I have waded through my office that has been sorely neglected for months - nine to be exact. I have done my filing, sifted through all the medical paperwork, shredded, and recycled. I am back at scrapbooking which is a centering force for me. And, get this, people are approaching me about "working". They are telling me things like, you have skills in this and you would be so good at that, I want you to talk to this group of women, you can work from home as many or as little hours as you like.....can you believe it??!?!?! If they saw my office (BEFORE last Friday) they would have NEVER said that, but then, these are the people that have seen every inch of my house, so maybe they would. Life never ceases to amaze me. We/I have a trip planned every month through October. Carpe diem. I did have a bit of a mental break the other day. The only medical therapies I am on anymore are ones that correcting what was done during radiation and chemotherapy - yep, down there......so, three days before my camping trip, I got a UTI. Yeah, a UTI is about the ONLY thing you CANNOT have on a camping trip - IN A TENT. I got antibiotics and it cured it, but the downside is I stopped the other therapy. I guess I just couldn't take it. Maybe I exhaled and realized how tired I was from all of the medical appointments. I think my Colorectal Surgeon said it best when, on the same day as I was told I was in remission, I went to his office asking if I should still do a colonoscopy that June (I have done them every June). He looked at me and said, "You have just been through a heck of a journey. Do you really want to do this? We could take a break and I could see you in August." We worked through schedules and picked September 11th. I didn't really think about what he said until that moment waiting for the antibiotics at the pharmacy for the UTI and I thought, "I don't know how to live without doctors." The last week and a half have been glorious, but I have been called and told to start up again. In fact, they told me, just do half of, any of it, but just continue a little bit. They are begging for my compliance. I paused, but I granted it. I sure did like my vacation from it all. Maybe I will get another one soon. Happy Tuesday, Ang

I made it camping!

After my first week with the kids ALONE and Grant working a TON because we have so little PTO left,, I was exhausted but I MADE IT CAMPING!!!! It was the first thing was I targeting in my "new remission life" . The camping trip to Lake Chelan that John Knox Church goes on every year. I signed up for it in AUGUST of last year for goodness sake. We have never gone the trip and I was determined to go when I started treatment IN SEPTEMBER of last year. A few times last week, I wasn't sure I was going to be able to make it, but I figured it out and I did. My back hurt, but nothing an Alieve couldn't take care of and I did take one anxiety pill which helped me breathe. I didn't swim in the Lake because my chest tube opening is not entirely healed yet, BUT I did do the water slides in Chelan with the kids. The long and short is - we had an awesome, wonderful, stupendous, amazing trip. The boys had a blast. Everyone was so nice. Meals were provided Saturday and Sunday. HELLO! That is MY KINDA CAMPING! There were 160 of us and plenty of Mason's friends from preschool. In fact, Mason became part of a posse that played most of the weekend together. He would wonder from our campsite, pick up Adam at the next campsite, and go to the meeting place to pick up Blaze and AJ. They played and got so dirty I cannot describe in words the crap that was left in the bathtub when we got home and that was WITH a shower on Saturday. I am exhausted today, but functional. I am just so thankful for the weekend, for the trip, and for the memories (Grant set the picnic table on fire, but he usually does at some point). I was in the moment ALL WEEKEND and it was amazing. I made my target and enjoyed the success of it. Funny story - When I was prepping for the trip, (we went early, so we had to put together a couple meals) I was using a fair amount of Ziploc bags. I store them in the kitchen cupboard in a little section that Grant built for me. Because I was using so many, I just took them all out and left them on the floor to be easy to grab the size I wanted, etc. Well, Nolan came in and picked them all up and put them away. I took them out again. Nolan put them away again. I took them out again and Nolan came in, looked at me, furrowed his brow, put his shoulders back , looked up and said, "Mummy, don tak dese out again!!!! I put away dwo dimes alweady! Dis is quwap!!!!!" Translation??? "Mummy, don't take these out again! I put them away two times already! This is crap!" Guess I have to stop saying "crap" y'think??? Enjoy your week! Ang

Home for good

While I was packing everything up on Wednesday night and Thursday morning, it seemed like 15 years had past. I was so used to living out of a suitcase in my Mom's dining room and sleeping on the couch (the only place I was comfortable after surgery) with my boys upstairs with my parents. My Mom and I were discussing how much has happened. Two surgeries, three hospitalizations, countless doctor's appointment, chest tubes, etc. Also, there was the time period that I couldn't lay down by myself and someone would have to lower me and then I could change position because I had surgery on one side and a chest tube on the other. It was just less than a month ago. I absolutely have no concept that it is June 19th either. My friend at preschool asked me the date, and I literally had no idea. I guessed, and I was so wrong it was frightening. I guess in my mind it is still April and I have blocked the last two months out. As for me, I am doing well. I am off all the drugs, but take Alieve every once and a while. Coughing is okay now, sneezing can hurt, but it is burping and the hiccups that really get me. I think it is because I really don't know when they are coming. The pain in no longer in my back. It is in my sternum and it is slowly getting better. I can take deep breaths and that is really nice. I just have to do it s-l-o-w-l-y. I still can't lift Nolan. He is such a little trouper. He climbs up in the Explorer by himself and gets in his car seat so that I don't have to lift him. The boys were so excited last night to be moving home for good. Mason, of course, said he was going to miss everyone, but he was happy to be HOME. I am anxious to begin being normal and slowly I am getting there. I have already gotten the call that I need to do some therapy because of the PTS that goes along with a long treatment period (apparently, two years is the trigger for that). I am swimming in medical bills and explanations of benefits, but I am working through them, in addition, to doing my Grandma's medical bills from a fall in February. I am just thankful that we have such good insurance coverage Grandma and I. W are really lucky that way. I guess I am just really lucky all around. My last cleaning crew is coming on Saturday and the meals will stop next week. I will be normal again but NEVER NEVER the same. Enjoy the rain - it is washing the past two months right off of me. Love, Ang

This past weekend....

I think I finally exhaled on Thursday night when I returned to my house for the weekend. As I was driving with the kids to home, my fatigue was overwhelming. I got out of the Explorer and said to Grant, "I think I finally exhaled." I fell asleep on the couch and was in bed by 7:30. I did wake up that night, ate dinner, and back to bed until 7:00 am. I was so tired on Friday it was a bit frightening. And, while I did pull the trigger on Legoland and the spa bookings WITH flights, I was still in my pjs when Grant got home. I think I just finally let go and knew it was going to be okay. Funny how so much is tied into what my oncologist tells me. I waited to hear it from him even though I knew what it was. Weird. I was better on Saturday. When I woke up in the middle of the night, I went into the boy's room to cover them up. When I was covering Nolan, I had a flashback to two years ago when I was first told that I had cancer. I thought about the night that I just watched Mason sleep - watching every breath - wondering if I would see him grow up. But this time, it was Nolan in the same bed that Mason used to sleep in. It was my baby that I didn't know if I would see ween from a bottle. My baby is the same age Mason was when I was first diagnosed. I made it to see him not only ween, but walk, talk, and right hook his brother. I didn't linger too long on this, but it made me pause. I guess I just have to make it to tomorrow and then the tomorrow after that. So, with a kiss on the head, I left their room and went back to mine where I am sleeping comfortably now as my back continues to heal (one chest tube hole to go) and curl up with Grant. Now, with that nice imagine in your head, let's talk about a disturbing one. While I was eating my dinner in the middle of the night, I was flipping and there was the oldest profession (prostitution) and the relationship between pimp and prostitute. One said, "You (the prostitute) don't do anything without consulting them (the pimp) . When you (the prostitute) find one (a pimp) that is good, you do what you are told - happily and when you (the prostitute) find one (a pimp) that is good to you, you don't leave them for any reason. So, now that I have a new lease on life, I am trying to think about what I want to do and be, but all I can think about is if you replace "prostitute" with "cancer patient" and "pimp" with "oncologist" that my oncologist is a very well educated and professional pimp and that makes me a, well you know.....things that make you go, "HHHMMMM." I will let that one settle out - hopefully I will come up with something better. Enjoy the sun, Ang

It is offical.

I am in remission! My first scan will not be until August, my colorectal surgeon told me also to take the summer off, so I got to postpone my annual colonoscopy until September (I had to promise to call if anything came up), I can go to Legoland, etc. etc. etc. I am required to see my oncologist once a month for check ups which is fine - I like him so he is not the worst guy to spend time with! Enjoy the moment - I am! Love, Ang

Great weekend, now back to Mom and Dad's

Not that that is bad!!! So, Monday morning Grant helped me pack up the boys and I returned to Mom and Dad's. The boys were actually happy to return as they missed Grandma and Grandpa a lot and Mason was happy to help drive the tractor with Grandpa. The reason I have to return is that I cannot lift Nolan for at least two more weeks. Actually, not until the end of June, if you want to get technical about it, but the surgeon said I was doing so well that he thought I would be out of the woods by June 23rd, which is good because I lose Karissa as of the 18th and my parents will be done with me and the kids by then. Plus, there is a camping trip the last weekend in June that we have been reserved for with our church for NINE MONTHS and we are going!!!!!!!!! So, the 23rd works for me. So, we will be bouncing around for a little bit more until we return for good on the 19th. As for me, I am doing well. Things are healing. I went to Mommy and Me class with Nolan today (Karissa in tow for support) and Nolan ripped on my shoulder real good only reminding me that I am not 100%. I meet with my oncologist on Thursday morning for (hopefully) my walking papers. I will see how much he will want to see me through the summer, etc. I am crossing my fingers that he is not going to propose another form of treatment. I can't imagine that with such a good outcome on the surgeries. I can't think of what he would want to do to me at least, not right now. I just want to be done for the summer. I want to go to Legoland with the kids and a spa with my friends. I want to be alone with my kids in my house being a normal, crazed Mommy of a 2 and a 4 year old. I want to have dinner on the patio, watch the sunrise, go camping, and I want to do it without cancer. That is my goal and that is what I think about most every second. Love, Ang

Last Night

For the first time since May 22nd, the kids and I are back at home all together with Dad. Because of surgery, recovery, chest tubes, etc., it has been a while since we are all together here. So, last night, I put the boys to bed and after prayers Mason said to me, "Mommy, teacher says sometimes we can share our prayers with each other and I want to tell you what mine was tonight." I, of course, said, "Absolutely, what was it?" He bent down from the top bunk and got his face really close to mine and said softly, "That my Mommy gets all better really soon and we can spend every night at home together with Daddy." You can imagine how I wanted to respond. I wanted to take all of his pain away, I wanted to reassure him that everything is always going to be alright, that nothing would ever take me or hurt him, but unfortunately I know better. After two years of battling this crap, I know way better. And so, with a calmness in my voice (one that scared me a little, but comforted me too because of the wisdom of it) I responded with, "Baby, I want that too. What a wonderful thing to pray for." He smiled, gave me a hug, and we all said good night. I would love to end the story there so I will and I won't tell you all the ridiculous antics that both boys were doing until they fell asleep, but I think that is the excitement of bunking together as they do not at Grandma and Grandpa's. Happy Sunday - me