SOMETIME YOU JUST HAVE TO FILL IN THE BOX....

For the past two days, I have been medical facilities.  One was for my annual endoscopy.  They continue to monitor the effects of my liver damage because of all the chemo I had.  It was fine, but they will talk and chat for a month to see if it is to the point of treatment, surgery, drugs, etc.  If I sound flip, I kinda am.  I am monitored so close and they still do so much to me to be sure that nothing goes wrong, I am still on two shots a day for blood clots that happened FOUR YEARS AGO.  My liver started slowing down half way through all the chemo I had which resulted in ultrasounds, annual endoscopies (sp), etc. etc.  I bet normal people who do not get scanned all the time have all this, but they just do not know it.  The fact that I can complain about it....well, that is priceless.  Let me continue....

I am at that age that we take care of EVERYONE else.  My grandmother is still alive, my parents are needing my help more and more, I schedule all the family vacations and have to discuss it four times and then do all the work, I am on the PTA (President no less) and the kids at school just treat me like staff.  "Can you open this?"  "I can't find my sister."  "I need to use the phone."  "Where is the garbage?"  REALLY?!?!?!?  Eyes!!!!  Anyway, I digress.  

I was talking with my Dad the other day and he was telling me what a completely awful day he had had. "They just cancelled my colonoscopy and there was NO INFORMATION as to why!"  1.  Most people would be happy with that.  2.  Really - that is a bad day?!?!  Do you live in Disneyland normally?!?!?!  I just listened and crossed my eyes.  I love love love him, but that is not a bad day.

The friends I saw over the weekend saw my angst.  They live it with me and I love them for it.  Grant just keeps saying, "Ang, everything is going to be okay."  Now, to a panic-ritten (sp) individual like myself I am like, "How do you know?!???!  Lots of people die everyday - GOOD PEOPLE!  Better people that I am!!!"  It is not worth it for him either.  In this example, I am my Dad.

So, life goes on and I spend the entire day today at the cancer center.  I have to call my neighbor's son, Luke, to get questions I left on my desk to ask my oncologist.  Insurance, Social Security, banks, I don't know, maybe the trash guy, maybe in the Fed Ex man need to know my status.  I have to fit in a category.  A box.  I am not in remission.  I don't get that word.  Too many recurrences of my cancer.  So, I ask Hank and he says with caution (because I do not think they want to say these things), "Your chronic disease is stable.  The reason you still have your port (that was one of the questions) is that you have had so many recurrences that we are able need to treat it again."  Stable.  Chronic.  Disease.  Funny part is - I think that is a good day.

A new goal was reached today - by my next scan I will be 15 months cancer free.  I have never, since May of 2007, been cancer free that long.  Before, the number to beat was 13.  

THAT IS A GOOD DAY.  Now, back to being the Mom who told her son there was no track today and is in trouble with a 10 year old, to planning vacations, going to doctor's appointment for family, speaking to social workers and nurses for grandma, doing t-shirt drives, fundraisers, and trying to keep it all together.  Everyday is a good day for me.  Yeah me.

Happy Tuesday, Ang

Buying Cars/Life/Helping Friends

This is a long one, so settle in....

Sometimes I wonder what sort of life I live.....don't get me wrong, I am involved at the school (probably too much), I am busy with Nolan's soccer club (SUCKER), and I am driving with Mason and Grant for the weekend to Kalispell, MT for a hockey tournament.  I know CRAZY, but that is what you do these days.

Buying Cars....

One thing I learned about my husband is that he does not like driving old cars.  Funny part is - they are not really that old.  When we got married, he had a Fiesta.  He bought it new with 13.9% interest.  Ford was the only company that would finance him since he was a foreigner.  Little did they know they would gain a customer for LIFE.  As most of you know, that car died by deer.  Replaced by the 2000 Explorer that he did not believe we deserved and was self conscious about for about 20 mins.  Now, pay attention, this gets complicated.  I was driving a 1995 Subaru.  It was the first NEW car I had ever owned and we bought it to get me credit history since I had NONE.  In 2004, Grant and I traded cars because I was having a baby and he thought the bigger car was good for me and the baby.  That lasted 9 months.  The Subaru at that time had 180,000 miles on it.  The first night he came home and said, "Ang, the gas gauge does not work."  I replied with, "Just hit the trip odometer and when it gets to 300 miles, get gas."  The next night he came home and said, "The passenger seat is wet."  I said, "Oh, I forgot to tell you, when it is raining you have to park uphill so that the sunroof doesn't leak."  And then the last night he came home he said, "Ang, the car is running rough."  I said, "No worries, it just misfired.  Turn it off and wait.  They turn it on and drive it a while.  The check engine light will go off in five successful trips."  Grant was done and we bought the Focus.  I never liked the Focus.  It was great on dry payment and really how many times does that happen here????  Shortly after that, I got cancer.  Everything went into conservative mode EXCEPT vacations.  And then close to our 20th wedding anniversary, Grant said we should buy a new car and I should drive it.  I said, "Only if we are replacing the Focus."  We got a great deal on a Ford C-Max, traded in the Focus (good reddens) and we were done.  Grant got the Explorer, now 14 and 173,000 miles, but he was only going to the train station and back.  The first night he came home and said, "Ang, the gas gauge does not work."  I replied with, "Just hit the trip odometer and when it gets to 250 miles and get gas."  The next night he came home and said, "The rear wiper doesn't work"  I said, "Oh, I forgot to tell you, when you close the back just pull it out and it will work great until you open the back again."  And then the last night he came home he said, "Ang, the compass doesn't work."  I thought, "Seriously, you are going to the train station - can you not find your way home???, but said, "I can get one from the auto store."  But Grant was done and he found an Expedition that we had to drive to Yakima to purchase.  Two new cars in four months.  Don't worry he drives the "old" car.  WHATEVER.  This is my second new car in my life.  This is Grant's 4th.  Don't let him fool you when he tells you how poor he was.....

Life....

People always tell me what a great parent I am.  Seriously?  Have you read my blog?  I am pretty sure no one is taking my advice on potty training - remember, I made Nolan paid for his diapers.  But here is a new one for the books.  We have entered the life of "too many options".  For example, Mason on Tuesday had school and then track until 5:00 but I had to pick him up at 4:30 to go to guitar.  I was all motherly and stuff saying things to myself that I was going to bring him a mini meal between track and guitar and I even bought some fun stuff from Costco to do it with.  Here is the thing, when the rubber hits the road, I ran out of time, picked him up from practice and realized that I did not do ANYTHING that I had planned.  I asked him if he was hungry and he said, "I could eat."  I told him I had a candy in my purse and he dug through it to get it. He then proceeded to eat four cough drops and was pleased as punch with his discovery.  I sent my eldest boy to guitar with one hard toffee and four cough drops in his stomach and all he had to say was, "Mom, I really love cough drops!"  I rolled my eyes and thought, "Good thing because now they are a food group." Parental fail.

Helping Friends....

Two people in my life have been diagnosed with cancer in the last two months.  One an old dear friend and one a "compadre" at school.  Today, I went to my compadre's first chemo appointment.  It was at a different hospital for me, but as usual, I busted through the doors no problem.  She did AMAZING.  We thought we were in the clear and when I was going to leave, I hugged her and then she looked at me and said, "My back is starting to hurt."  Knowing what had happened to me, I briskly (to the point of screaming down the hall) got to her nurse and said, "Her back is hurting.  You need to come now."  Everything was stopped and in 20 mins she was okay.  She got more premeds and started again.  My Mom was watching the kids, Grant was making it home, Nolan had soccer practice and I was the driver for him and Hunter, etc.  but I wasn't leaving her.  Elaine never left me and I had stopped breathing.  And this is what I love.....Hunter's Grandpa offered to take the kids so my Mom could go home and Grant could be with Mason.  No question, no hesitation, no nothing.  Before he offered (or was asked), Grant was going to releave my Mom at the soccer field and Mason as going to be home because honestly, I could not leave her and and her family.  I also think Mason thought he could sneek in some screen time.  In any case, this shit is scary.  But she did it and I held it together.  I know all the things that could happen and I pushed it down.  Her daughter was watching me and I had to push it down.  I ALMOST stared an argument with God, but there was no time for that.  I got there at 10:15am and I left at 7pm.  I learned more about her and her family and got to know what an amazing person she is.  It is not all work, it is time beautifully spent.  I hope I helped and I know I did.  Something should come of my journey, something more than my little life in South King County Washington.  In any case, she finished with flying colors and now we know what needs to happen so that she can do it successfully.  Check.  Next, my dear old friend that I helped douse with a ice filled cooler outside during a winter wedding at Silver Star and then locked him outside because he threw my husband's glasses on the dance floor.......but that was a lifetime ago.........love you R!

Happy Wednesday, Ang

Everything I needed to learn I learned in Kindergarten....

Life is moving along.  Busy as ever and now I have been asked to read to help in the bilingual Kindergarten Class on Wednesday mornings. Confirming that my Spanish is good enough for that, I agreed.  It is taught entirely in Spanish and the vocabulary is flooding back to me.  Scary part is that I struggle when I am teaching but when it come to discipline, the words roll off the tongue.  Shocking.  

When we were walking to lunch, I asked one of the students what was his favorite day of the week.  He said, "Friday because I get electronics while my parents eat dinner together." He goes on to explain that he was bothering his Mom asking for electronics all the time so they came up with one day and time for him to play.  I said, "Your Mom is brilliant!  I am going to do that in my house!"  Then he stops me, has me bend now, and whispers in my ear, "Yeah, apparently, me asking her if it is Friday all the time does seem to bother her at all!"  He pulls away, looks at me right in the eyes opened like saucers, and nods slowly.  God, I love Kinder.

Saw the doc yesterday and saw my December scan.  My watch area is truly a watch area.  It is a stringy mass at the bottom of my left lung.  Stringy is good.  Usually means scar tissue.  But, it is big, so we watch.  This area has always been difficult.  When I had lung surgery in 2009, they were going to take out my lower left lobe, but a Canadian surgeon in his fellowship saved it.  I liked him a lot.  I even tracked him down in Toronto and sent a family pic.  Now, I should track him down and say, "Dude, that was messy!  He would retort, "Sure it was, but six years later you are still talking!" Touché.

Next scan is March with will be one year with NO treatment.  The longest I have ever gone is 13 months.  Time will tell.

Happy Wednesday!  I am off to Kinder!  Love, Ang

Pre Christmas Break Parenting vs. End of Christmas Break Parenting

Pre Christmas Break

Nolan:  Mason hit me!
Mom:  Mason, stop hitting your brother.  What is going on?  Let's talk about it.
All discuss...everyone goes away happy.....

End of Christmas Break

Nolan:  Mason is hitting me!!!!
Mom:  Did you deserve it?!?!?!
Nolan:  Well, kinda.
Mom:  Well then????
Everyone goes away happy.....

Merry Christmas!!!!

Our Christmas month has been a busy one.  In fact, there was so much soccer and hockey there was not much energy for Christmasy things.  I even started to worry.  I wanted to go see Scuba Santa at Zoo Lights this year and Nolan was like, "Been there, done that."  He is SEVEN.  Then, they were turning into materialistic freaks and Mason said, "I am going to be super angry if I do not get a Traxxas Slash from Santa!" Yep, MASON, the sweet one said that.  So, this month has been full of teachable moments.  Isn't that jolly good fun?!?!?!  I actually sat Mason down and told him two things....I said, "You have figured out how this Santa thing works by now.  So, when you say things to me or your Dad like that it is really hurtful.  Mason, I also may have done you a disservice.  See, when I was little, I made a Santa list every year and EVERY YEAR I got nothing on the list.  Don't get me wrong - I was plenty spoiled, I just never got what I asked for.  So, with you and Nolan, I wanted to get EXACTLY what you wanted and that backfired on me last year when you got not the EXACT Lego you wanted, and don't say it didn't, I have it on video."  Mason replied, "Yep, I remember."  "Mason, I want you to have everything in the world, but they way that we live you need to remember that it takes time.  I sale shop, use coupons, membership rewards, etc.  I can't just jump in the car and buy a $300 remote control car that, by the way, has a minimum age requirement of 15 years of age."  "Mom, I know.  I am sorry - this has just taken me over."  I said, "Yep, so let me tell you another story.  Do you that I have spent one quarter (we are doing fractions) of my Christmas' working at places that have to get outside families to buy gifts for the kids/students because if they do not they will probably wake up on Christmas morning with nothing....not even a tree?  So, here is what I need you to do:  1. Adjust yourself because you are not getting a $300 remote control car for Christmas.  2.  See what you get for Christmas.  3.  Think about the kids that have NOTHING - list or not."  We hugged and in a couple days balance was restored.  They helped with Christmas cards, Nolan needs to work on the spelling of Christmas, but yeah, his is SEVEN.  They helped with cookies while singing Christmas songs to the radio and no one is talking about a stupid $300 remote control car.  Now, I have not gotten them to leave the house to see anything Christmasy, but Netflix had a couple cute movies.  For those of you that missed it, yes, I did Christmas cards this year.  I am no longer as perfect as I used to be at it.  I could only make 40 because I forgot to order more envelopes and I used a bunch that I got for $1 a box a couple years ago (those of you that get those will know why).  There is no card hierarchy just in case you are upset by what you got.  It was grab, sign, stuff, stamp, and send.  I did have a cute story which I will attach at the end if you do not get a card.....now, if you usually get a card and moved in the last 7 years, you probably will not get one unless you send me your address by NEXT DECEMBER.  Shop is closed for this year.

Christmas Letter...

I am BACK!!!!!  After seven and a half years, I am doing really well.  No one ever says "remission" to me, but my scans are good and I have been out of chemo for a long, long time.  That is okay, I will take "survivor".

Mason is great.  Amazing at school and still my sensitive boy.  He is beautiful.  He got voted on to Student Council this year which he is so proud of.  He plays full time hockey for the local rink and he even made the B team.

Nolan has surprised me at every turn.  I love and relate to that kid more than he will ever realize.  He is playing U8 soccer in U9 select.  They are taking a pounding, but the results will come.  I am so proud of him.

Grant is happy and busy.  One story for the road.... We drove to the Christmas Tree farm and the orders were, "We are getting a Charlie Brown Tree, so look for the orange paint!"  Mason cried.  He did not like any of the Charlie Brown trees and even offered to pay the $42 difference.  After more investigation, we found a "for sale" tree that he liked.  The hitch?  We had to take the entire tree by ourselves!  They were clearing for a road.  After cutting it down by hand and wrestling all 17 feet of it onto the Explorer, we looked like the Griswold's leaving the lot - laughed at by everyone who passed us!  Up side...we have lots of firewood!

What should also be noted that I could not fit on the page was I was dressed REALLY cute that tree cutting day for pictures.......well, there are no pictures because you should have seen us after cutting down and moving that monster on the truck.  We even had to cut back the branches so Grant could drive.  There was a fair amount of swearing, sap ground into our hands, and my hair, was, well, wilder than normal.  Also, Grant decided to do all the cuts by hand because it was "just one more" and it was too much trouble to get out the sawz all.  He looked at me towards the end and said, "Angie, I am so tired......"  With a bow of my head and closing of my eyes, "I know baby....Merry Christmas....."

So, with balance restored, a calm and healthy house, we bid you an amazing "chirstmas" (per Nolan) and a Happy New Year!

Love, Angie, Grant, Mason Nolan, Molly Moon and Hannah June

And apparently he is back or he can access test results in airports!

At 7:45am, I receive and email that says, 

Scan is good.  There is an area that MAY OR MAY NOT be of concern and it is recommended to get a scan in the next few months.  Nothing definitive.

Now, having been down this road before, and with the absence of the PET scan that may or may not have given a more definitive answer, this result could drive a nubie to the nut house.  Seven and a half years into this, I know that this really is as good as it gets and translated to English means.....

"GO BABY GO!  YOU ARE STILL FREE!"

Best Christmas present ever.

Happy Happy Thursday, Ang

At 2 am, I got an email from Hank.....

"I am in Texas, will get results tomorrow.  Sorry."

Sorry?!?!??  Thank God!  I thought he was dead, or I was going to be dead, and all it was that he was on a trip!  I actually really started thinking.....Is he okay?!?!?

Back to sleep.....

Happy early Thurday, Ang

My Game Face

Life has been busy.  Thanksgiving was a fun weekend; Black Friday Shopping; continual text messages from Grant about Mason's first Hockey Tournament in Portland (that they won!), and going to the Christmas Story with the entire family and Nolan continually saying, "You'll shoot your eye out.", but still asking for a BB Gun.  Mason's 10th birthday was last weekend.  It was an Amazing Race Party.  Holy Cow what planning and outdoor in DECEMBER.  I begged for a half birthday and Masons was like, "It won't rain."  It rained all morning and then the clouds parted and I swear there was sun?!?!?!?!  How do the men in on my family's side have this luck?!?!?!?  I never did.  I rained on my birthday ALL THE TIME - in JUNE!  Work is good.  PTA is busier than I would like it to be, but it will calm down for the break.  But this is not want I am writing about......

My CT scan (now the only scan I am allowed) was scheduled in all this chaos and I said to myself, "I am not going to involve the entire world.  It is high time that I get used to this and it is just a normal thing."  Mind you I already cried at Bible Study just over my appointment with my oncologist in November.  I guess this was a lofty goal.  I was doing okay until Monday night.  Tuesday, my morning appointment canceled, so I went to Yoga Nidra, one of my favorite classes and my teacher gave me a hug.  Angie, "You are humming inside." she said.  I thought that was nice because it felt like something of a roar.  After Yoga, I was better, but life set in.  The Spirit Wear is in.....I know they want to wear it on Friday....I have no time between now and then.  All I want to do it go home and binge watch the Good Wife, but I go to school and distribute Spirit Wear.  Of course there are some mistakes, but those will work themselves out, but not before I email all the teachers, ask them them to check the orders, etc.  Just more work.  One teacher, bless her heart said, "I hope this was a money maker for you with all this work."  At $5/$6 dollars a t-shirt and a $20 hoodie, I am hoping just to break even with correction orders, bounced checks, etc.  Oh well, my mind is off it until my boys get out of school, they help deliver the orders to the classrooms, do some homework in the library, and we get home at 4.  When I exit the building, I am exhausted, panicked, and it is all I can do but vomit.  Grant meets me at Ukulele Lessons, which is now electric guitar lessons since Mason got a shinny new guitar from his Grandma and Auntie for his birthday and I come home with Nolan and go to bed.  All I want to do is sleep and drink orange juice (go figure).

Now, here I sit at 2am.  Doing the opposite of a game face.  Nothing to distract me, hungry (which at least I can eat with the CT scan under just two hours before), and wondering if my run is over.  Can I sign that contract for a fundraiser in January?  Who will do box tops?  I could probably still do that.  Would it start before Christmas?  Can my kids walk home by themselves yet?  Would they stay here during chemo?  My parents can't keep this up.  Can I?  When will I stop feeling this way?!?!?  Will I?  FRICK.  I just have to get through the door of the center tomorrow.  Get through the doors, and I will deal with it then.

My game face SUCKS.

Angie

Lanai; My Status; Insurance in that order.....

Lanai and Maui were awesome!  What a way to spend a 20 anniversary!  Grant and I both feel in love with Lanai.  It is quiet, very slow and everyone is so nice.  The fish is FRESH.  I ate poke everyday.  We will be back.  Two of the funniest things that happened were....

Lanai has not much in the paved road allotment, so you rent 4x4.  We rented from "a guy".  I am so glad that I had Mexico in my life because this is normal in Mexico.  For example, when I made reservations are this only hotel that is not a Four Season on Lanai I said, "I want to rent a Jeep."  He said, "Well, you can call Budget or I rent them."  I responded with, "Well, I am talking to you, I will rent from you."  Then he said, "I see that you are flying to the island.  May I suggest the ferry.  It is way more reliable."  I said, "Okay, but how do I get from the airport to the ferry dock."  His response, "I know a lady....."  So, between the guy and the lady, we got everywhere with efficiency you normally do not see in Hawaii.  Just sayin' - go with the "guy".  So, on our first outing, it was Grant and I against the biggest mud puddle I had every seen.  First, we threw rocks in it to see how deep it was, then we walked around it to see how bad the road was, and then we determined we shouldn't do it.  At that moment, a Jeep past us and went right through it with not so much as a pause.  We just looked at each other like, we SUCK.  By the end of the day, we were on fire!  One road we were going on was on the side of a mountain and Grant said, "I think I see a cement truck."  After 20 years of marriage, I blew him off like, whatever.  We made the next turn and, sure enough, there is the ready mix truck.  I was like, "I thought you nuts."  And he looked at me like, "Yeah, I make that crap up."  This road was NOT meant for a ready mix truck.  Needless to say, we got out of its way.  Second thing.....I swam with dolphins.  Not like on a tour, but like 300 spinner dolphins on every side of me, under me, so close I could touch them.  Spinning and splashing for like 20 - 25 mins.  I had always wanted to swim with dolphins.  I never have.  I even almost went on a tour to be with a dolphin, but it was $400 and I was like, "Wha?!?!?!?!  I can get over it!"  The funny part was Grant did not realize that I wanted to so badly.  We got to the bay, I saw a fin, and fling, fling of the cover up, out with the flippers and into the water!  Grant was like, "Those are mighty big waves....they are kinda out there......uh, you go ahead......"  I was already gone.  He took pictures.  (smile)

My status - I get how easy it is to not make that appointment after you have had enough freedom to actually forget.  I used to be all judgey (sp) and say that people should always keep up on their cancer care and that it is selfish to not do so.  Now, I get it.  My heart started to race every time I picked up the phone.  I would wait until 5pm and say, "Opps.  Missed it again."  But I finally did it and went.  My Mom came with and the boys too.  I was glad for her because I could not have managed both my nerves and their needs.  Hank enjoyed seeing them, I got a clean bill of health, and then the conversation started.....

A - "I assume I need a scan, yes?"
H - "Yes, but just a CT."
A - "Heck I can do that tomorrow!  When do you want the PET??"  SIDE NOTE:  The CT is an X-ray that can show masses of cancer.  The PET is the one that shows cancer cell activity.  The PET is how they originally found the cancer in my lungs.  Remember, my blood work and lymph nodes always have appeared normal - even when I was at death door.  Those indicator are useless for me.
H - "Well, since you have been away, all the insurance companies in the US have limited everyone to four PET scans in one person life." (I am in the 20s for PET scans.)
A - "So, without blood work indicators and lymph node indicators, we just have the CT to see masses - not cells.  That is a bit scary for me."
H - "Yes, everyone thinks so, but I think you will be okay with a CT for now.  We have a lot of data on you and if you really need it, I can fight for a PET."
A - "Can I self pay?""
H - "If you have an extra $5000 around."
A - "I can get it.....what is a retirement fund if there is no retirement?!?!"
H - "Okay, let's not go down this road.  You are going to be fine for now and if I think you need one, I will get you one."
A - "By talking for hours on the phone with insurance companies?  That is not the best use of your time."
H - "That is medicine today.  You will be fine with a CT for now."
A - "And you are a very convincing liar."
H  - "Yes, I am, but I am not lying right now."
A - "Okay, liar."
H - hug - "You are going to be fine.  I love you kid."
A - face buried in his jacket to dry the tears - "I love you too."

A HUGE tool in my toolbox is gone.  I am probably six times over the lifetime limit for PET scans.  Will I miss the prep for them?  No.  Will I miss their accuracy for someone that has so few indicators?  Yes, that is why I did the prep for them, drank the yummy yummy juice, and took the radioactive shots.....

CT is next month.  So, onward with the game of "Insurance", where they are playing with my life.

Feeling sorry for myself today.  I will be better tomorrow.
Angie

Twenty years ago today....

Grant and I got married in front of all of our family and friends.  It was a great night full of hope, love and laughter.  We put our broken down furniture together, my Toyota Tercel, and his Ford Festiva (the only debt brought to the marriage) and we begun.  We rented a house clean and cheap for $600 a month in Issaquah.  Then Grant wanted to buy.  We bought.  I wanted kids.  He wanted to get his MBA. He graduated.  No kids.  In our eighth year of marriage, I told him that he could walk away no hard feelings because we could not have kids.  He said no and we both challenged our morals with invito.  So glad.  Something so perfect could not have not been in "the plan".  In year fourteen/fifteen, I seriously offered Grant to be able to break our vows again; move on or wonder if you know what I mean.  I had my reasons and they were out of love and suffering for him.  His response I will never forget.  "Yeah Ang, that may sound like a good idea to you now, but that just can't be a good plan."  Fast forward to year 20, today.  Today, we woke up after sleeping for 9 hours with the Hawaiian breeze going over us.  We are renting a Jeep and exploring Lanai for the first time.   Last night at dinner of only "adult" food, we were thinking back to our other anniversary adventures we have had and we laughed, finished each other's sentences, and gently smiled.  Happy Anniversary Grant.  I still choose you.  Love, Ang