My Game Face

Life has been busy.  Thanksgiving was a fun weekend; Black Friday Shopping; continual text messages from Grant about Mason's first Hockey Tournament in Portland (that they won!), and going to the Christmas Story with the entire family and Nolan continually saying, "You'll shoot your eye out.", but still asking for a BB Gun.  Mason's 10th birthday was last weekend.  It was an Amazing Race Party.  Holy Cow what planning and outdoor in DECEMBER.  I begged for a half birthday and Masons was like, "It won't rain."  It rained all morning and then the clouds parted and I swear there was sun?!?!?!?!  How do the men in on my family's side have this luck?!?!?!?  I never did.  I rained on my birthday ALL THE TIME - in JUNE!  Work is good.  PTA is busier than I would like it to be, but it will calm down for the break.  But this is not want I am writing about......

My CT scan (now the only scan I am allowed) was scheduled in all this chaos and I said to myself, "I am not going to involve the entire world.  It is high time that I get used to this and it is just a normal thing."  Mind you I already cried at Bible Study just over my appointment with my oncologist in November.  I guess this was a lofty goal.  I was doing okay until Monday night.  Tuesday, my morning appointment canceled, so I went to Yoga Nidra, one of my favorite classes and my teacher gave me a hug.  Angie, "You are humming inside." she said.  I thought that was nice because it felt like something of a roar.  After Yoga, I was better, but life set in.  The Spirit Wear is in.....I know they want to wear it on Friday....I have no time between now and then.  All I want to do it go home and binge watch the Good Wife, but I go to school and distribute Spirit Wear.  Of course there are some mistakes, but those will work themselves out, but not before I email all the teachers, ask them them to check the orders, etc.  Just more work.  One teacher, bless her heart said, "I hope this was a money maker for you with all this work."  At $5/$6 dollars a t-shirt and a $20 hoodie, I am hoping just to break even with correction orders, bounced checks, etc.  Oh well, my mind is off it until my boys get out of school, they help deliver the orders to the classrooms, do some homework in the library, and we get home at 4.  When I exit the building, I am exhausted, panicked, and it is all I can do but vomit.  Grant meets me at Ukulele Lessons, which is now electric guitar lessons since Mason got a shinny new guitar from his Grandma and Auntie for his birthday and I come home with Nolan and go to bed.  All I want to do is sleep and drink orange juice (go figure).

Now, here I sit at 2am.  Doing the opposite of a game face.  Nothing to distract me, hungry (which at least I can eat with the CT scan under just two hours before), and wondering if my run is over.  Can I sign that contract for a fundraiser in January?  Who will do box tops?  I could probably still do that.  Would it start before Christmas?  Can my kids walk home by themselves yet?  Would they stay here during chemo?  My parents can't keep this up.  Can I?  When will I stop feeling this way?!?!?  Will I?  FRICK.  I just have to get through the door of the center tomorrow.  Get through the doors, and I will deal with it then.

My game face SUCKS.

Angie