Merry Christmas!!!!

Our Christmas month has been a busy one.  In fact, there was so much soccer and hockey there was not much energy for Christmasy things.  I even started to worry.  I wanted to go see Scuba Santa at Zoo Lights this year and Nolan was like, "Been there, done that."  He is SEVEN.  Then, they were turning into materialistic freaks and Mason said, "I am going to be super angry if I do not get a Traxxas Slash from Santa!" Yep, MASON, the sweet one said that.  So, this month has been full of teachable moments.  Isn't that jolly good fun?!?!?!  I actually sat Mason down and told him two things....I said, "You have figured out how this Santa thing works by now.  So, when you say things to me or your Dad like that it is really hurtful.  Mason, I also may have done you a disservice.  See, when I was little, I made a Santa list every year and EVERY YEAR I got nothing on the list.  Don't get me wrong - I was plenty spoiled, I just never got what I asked for.  So, with you and Nolan, I wanted to get EXACTLY what you wanted and that backfired on me last year when you got not the EXACT Lego you wanted, and don't say it didn't, I have it on video."  Mason replied, "Yep, I remember."  "Mason, I want you to have everything in the world, but they way that we live you need to remember that it takes time.  I sale shop, use coupons, membership rewards, etc.  I can't just jump in the car and buy a $300 remote control car that, by the way, has a minimum age requirement of 15 years of age."  "Mom, I know.  I am sorry - this has just taken me over."  I said, "Yep, so let me tell you another story.  Do you that I have spent one quarter (we are doing fractions) of my Christmas' working at places that have to get outside families to buy gifts for the kids/students because if they do not they will probably wake up on Christmas morning with nothing....not even a tree?  So, here is what I need you to do:  1. Adjust yourself because you are not getting a $300 remote control car for Christmas.  2.  See what you get for Christmas.  3.  Think about the kids that have NOTHING - list or not."  We hugged and in a couple days balance was restored.  They helped with Christmas cards, Nolan needs to work on the spelling of Christmas, but yeah, his is SEVEN.  They helped with cookies while singing Christmas songs to the radio and no one is talking about a stupid $300 remote control car.  Now, I have not gotten them to leave the house to see anything Christmasy, but Netflix had a couple cute movies.  For those of you that missed it, yes, I did Christmas cards this year.  I am no longer as perfect as I used to be at it.  I could only make 40 because I forgot to order more envelopes and I used a bunch that I got for $1 a box a couple years ago (those of you that get those will know why).  There is no card hierarchy just in case you are upset by what you got.  It was grab, sign, stuff, stamp, and send.  I did have a cute story which I will attach at the end if you do not get a card.....now, if you usually get a card and moved in the last 7 years, you probably will not get one unless you send me your address by NEXT DECEMBER.  Shop is closed for this year.

Christmas Letter...

I am BACK!!!!!  After seven and a half years, I am doing really well.  No one ever says "remission" to me, but my scans are good and I have been out of chemo for a long, long time.  That is okay, I will take "survivor".

Mason is great.  Amazing at school and still my sensitive boy.  He is beautiful.  He got voted on to Student Council this year which he is so proud of.  He plays full time hockey for the local rink and he even made the B team.

Nolan has surprised me at every turn.  I love and relate to that kid more than he will ever realize.  He is playing U8 soccer in U9 select.  They are taking a pounding, but the results will come.  I am so proud of him.

Grant is happy and busy.  One story for the road.... We drove to the Christmas Tree farm and the orders were, "We are getting a Charlie Brown Tree, so look for the orange paint!"  Mason cried.  He did not like any of the Charlie Brown trees and even offered to pay the $42 difference.  After more investigation, we found a "for sale" tree that he liked.  The hitch?  We had to take the entire tree by ourselves!  They were clearing for a road.  After cutting it down by hand and wrestling all 17 feet of it onto the Explorer, we looked like the Griswold's leaving the lot - laughed at by everyone who passed us!  Up side...we have lots of firewood!

What should also be noted that I could not fit on the page was I was dressed REALLY cute that tree cutting day for pictures.......well, there are no pictures because you should have seen us after cutting down and moving that monster on the truck.  We even had to cut back the branches so Grant could drive.  There was a fair amount of swearing, sap ground into our hands, and my hair, was, well, wilder than normal.  Also, Grant decided to do all the cuts by hand because it was "just one more" and it was too much trouble to get out the sawz all.  He looked at me towards the end and said, "Angie, I am so tired......"  With a bow of my head and closing of my eyes, "I know baby....Merry Christmas....."

So, with balance restored, a calm and healthy house, we bid you an amazing "chirstmas" (per Nolan) and a Happy New Year!

Love, Angie, Grant, Mason Nolan, Molly Moon and Hannah June

And apparently he is back or he can access test results in airports!

At 7:45am, I receive and email that says, 

Scan is good.  There is an area that MAY OR MAY NOT be of concern and it is recommended to get a scan in the next few months.  Nothing definitive.

Now, having been down this road before, and with the absence of the PET scan that may or may not have given a more definitive answer, this result could drive a nubie to the nut house.  Seven and a half years into this, I know that this really is as good as it gets and translated to English means.....

"GO BABY GO!  YOU ARE STILL FREE!"

Best Christmas present ever.

Happy Happy Thursday, Ang

At 2 am, I got an email from Hank.....

"I am in Texas, will get results tomorrow.  Sorry."

Sorry?!?!??  Thank God!  I thought he was dead, or I was going to be dead, and all it was that he was on a trip!  I actually really started thinking.....Is he okay?!?!?

Back to sleep.....

Happy early Thurday, Ang

My Game Face

Life has been busy.  Thanksgiving was a fun weekend; Black Friday Shopping; continual text messages from Grant about Mason's first Hockey Tournament in Portland (that they won!), and going to the Christmas Story with the entire family and Nolan continually saying, "You'll shoot your eye out.", but still asking for a BB Gun.  Mason's 10th birthday was last weekend.  It was an Amazing Race Party.  Holy Cow what planning and outdoor in DECEMBER.  I begged for a half birthday and Masons was like, "It won't rain."  It rained all morning and then the clouds parted and I swear there was sun?!?!?!?!  How do the men in on my family's side have this luck?!?!?!?  I never did.  I rained on my birthday ALL THE TIME - in JUNE!  Work is good.  PTA is busier than I would like it to be, but it will calm down for the break.  But this is not want I am writing about......

My CT scan (now the only scan I am allowed) was scheduled in all this chaos and I said to myself, "I am not going to involve the entire world.  It is high time that I get used to this and it is just a normal thing."  Mind you I already cried at Bible Study just over my appointment with my oncologist in November.  I guess this was a lofty goal.  I was doing okay until Monday night.  Tuesday, my morning appointment canceled, so I went to Yoga Nidra, one of my favorite classes and my teacher gave me a hug.  Angie, "You are humming inside." she said.  I thought that was nice because it felt like something of a roar.  After Yoga, I was better, but life set in.  The Spirit Wear is in.....I know they want to wear it on Friday....I have no time between now and then.  All I want to do it go home and binge watch the Good Wife, but I go to school and distribute Spirit Wear.  Of course there are some mistakes, but those will work themselves out, but not before I email all the teachers, ask them them to check the orders, etc.  Just more work.  One teacher, bless her heart said, "I hope this was a money maker for you with all this work."  At $5/$6 dollars a t-shirt and a $20 hoodie, I am hoping just to break even with correction orders, bounced checks, etc.  Oh well, my mind is off it until my boys get out of school, they help deliver the orders to the classrooms, do some homework in the library, and we get home at 4.  When I exit the building, I am exhausted, panicked, and it is all I can do but vomit.  Grant meets me at Ukulele Lessons, which is now electric guitar lessons since Mason got a shinny new guitar from his Grandma and Auntie for his birthday and I come home with Nolan and go to bed.  All I want to do is sleep and drink orange juice (go figure).

Now, here I sit at 2am.  Doing the opposite of a game face.  Nothing to distract me, hungry (which at least I can eat with the CT scan under just two hours before), and wondering if my run is over.  Can I sign that contract for a fundraiser in January?  Who will do box tops?  I could probably still do that.  Would it start before Christmas?  Can my kids walk home by themselves yet?  Would they stay here during chemo?  My parents can't keep this up.  Can I?  When will I stop feeling this way?!?!?  Will I?  FRICK.  I just have to get through the door of the center tomorrow.  Get through the doors, and I will deal with it then.

My game face SUCKS.

Angie

Lanai; My Status; Insurance in that order.....

Lanai and Maui were awesome!  What a way to spend a 20 anniversary!  Grant and I both feel in love with Lanai.  It is quiet, very slow and everyone is so nice.  The fish is FRESH.  I ate poke everyday.  We will be back.  Two of the funniest things that happened were....

Lanai has not much in the paved road allotment, so you rent 4x4.  We rented from "a guy".  I am so glad that I had Mexico in my life because this is normal in Mexico.  For example, when I made reservations are this only hotel that is not a Four Season on Lanai I said, "I want to rent a Jeep."  He said, "Well, you can call Budget or I rent them."  I responded with, "Well, I am talking to you, I will rent from you."  Then he said, "I see that you are flying to the island.  May I suggest the ferry.  It is way more reliable."  I said, "Okay, but how do I get from the airport to the ferry dock."  His response, "I know a lady....."  So, between the guy and the lady, we got everywhere with efficiency you normally do not see in Hawaii.  Just sayin' - go with the "guy".  So, on our first outing, it was Grant and I against the biggest mud puddle I had every seen.  First, we threw rocks in it to see how deep it was, then we walked around it to see how bad the road was, and then we determined we shouldn't do it.  At that moment, a Jeep past us and went right through it with not so much as a pause.  We just looked at each other like, we SUCK.  By the end of the day, we were on fire!  One road we were going on was on the side of a mountain and Grant said, "I think I see a cement truck."  After 20 years of marriage, I blew him off like, whatever.  We made the next turn and, sure enough, there is the ready mix truck.  I was like, "I thought you nuts."  And he looked at me like, "Yeah, I make that crap up."  This road was NOT meant for a ready mix truck.  Needless to say, we got out of its way.  Second thing.....I swam with dolphins.  Not like on a tour, but like 300 spinner dolphins on every side of me, under me, so close I could touch them.  Spinning and splashing for like 20 - 25 mins.  I had always wanted to swim with dolphins.  I never have.  I even almost went on a tour to be with a dolphin, but it was $400 and I was like, "Wha?!?!?!?!  I can get over it!"  The funny part was Grant did not realize that I wanted to so badly.  We got to the bay, I saw a fin, and fling, fling of the cover up, out with the flippers and into the water!  Grant was like, "Those are mighty big waves....they are kinda out there......uh, you go ahead......"  I was already gone.  He took pictures.  (smile)

My status - I get how easy it is to not make that appointment after you have had enough freedom to actually forget.  I used to be all judgey (sp) and say that people should always keep up on their cancer care and that it is selfish to not do so.  Now, I get it.  My heart started to race every time I picked up the phone.  I would wait until 5pm and say, "Opps.  Missed it again."  But I finally did it and went.  My Mom came with and the boys too.  I was glad for her because I could not have managed both my nerves and their needs.  Hank enjoyed seeing them, I got a clean bill of health, and then the conversation started.....

A - "I assume I need a scan, yes?"
H - "Yes, but just a CT."
A - "Heck I can do that tomorrow!  When do you want the PET??"  SIDE NOTE:  The CT is an X-ray that can show masses of cancer.  The PET is the one that shows cancer cell activity.  The PET is how they originally found the cancer in my lungs.  Remember, my blood work and lymph nodes always have appeared normal - even when I was at death door.  Those indicator are useless for me.
H - "Well, since you have been away, all the insurance companies in the US have limited everyone to four PET scans in one person life." (I am in the 20s for PET scans.)
A - "So, without blood work indicators and lymph node indicators, we just have the CT to see masses - not cells.  That is a bit scary for me."
H - "Yes, everyone thinks so, but I think you will be okay with a CT for now.  We have a lot of data on you and if you really need it, I can fight for a PET."
A - "Can I self pay?""
H - "If you have an extra $5000 around."
A - "I can get it.....what is a retirement fund if there is no retirement?!?!"
H - "Okay, let's not go down this road.  You are going to be fine for now and if I think you need one, I will get you one."
A - "By talking for hours on the phone with insurance companies?  That is not the best use of your time."
H - "That is medicine today.  You will be fine with a CT for now."
A - "And you are a very convincing liar."
H  - "Yes, I am, but I am not lying right now."
A - "Okay, liar."
H - hug - "You are going to be fine.  I love you kid."
A - face buried in his jacket to dry the tears - "I love you too."

A HUGE tool in my toolbox is gone.  I am probably six times over the lifetime limit for PET scans.  Will I miss the prep for them?  No.  Will I miss their accuracy for someone that has so few indicators?  Yes, that is why I did the prep for them, drank the yummy yummy juice, and took the radioactive shots.....

CT is next month.  So, onward with the game of "Insurance", where they are playing with my life.

Feeling sorry for myself today.  I will be better tomorrow.
Angie

Twenty years ago today....

Grant and I got married in front of all of our family and friends.  It was a great night full of hope, love and laughter.  We put our broken down furniture together, my Toyota Tercel, and his Ford Festiva (the only debt brought to the marriage) and we begun.  We rented a house clean and cheap for $600 a month in Issaquah.  Then Grant wanted to buy.  We bought.  I wanted kids.  He wanted to get his MBA. He graduated.  No kids.  In our eighth year of marriage, I told him that he could walk away no hard feelings because we could not have kids.  He said no and we both challenged our morals with invito.  So glad.  Something so perfect could not have not been in "the plan".  In year fourteen/fifteen, I seriously offered Grant to be able to break our vows again; move on or wonder if you know what I mean.  I had my reasons and they were out of love and suffering for him.  His response I will never forget.  "Yeah Ang, that may sound like a good idea to you now, but that just can't be a good plan."  Fast forward to year 20, today.  Today, we woke up after sleeping for 9 hours with the Hawaiian breeze going over us.  We are renting a Jeep and exploring Lanai for the first time.   Last night at dinner of only "adult" food, we were thinking back to our other anniversary adventures we have had and we laughed, finished each other's sentences, and gently smiled.  Happy Anniversary Grant.  I still choose you.  Love, Ang

Ordinary Miracle.....

So, I have been enjoying my three months.  I have had to go to doctors, but I wave to the Cancer Center and say, "Ha, ha, you don't get me for t-h-r-e-e months sucker!!!!!!!"

Since then, I have gone from 0 - 500 miles an hour.  It is amazing how much work PTA does for the opening of a school.  Oh, and I have two.  Our Kinder went to a new school with an neighboring school to reduce overcrowding.  That is nice, the school gets split and PTA just gets another school.  WHAT?!?!??!

So, LAST WEEK, I helped open Neely O'Brien (my sons' school) and this week, I helped open Kent Valley Early Learning Center, the Kinder, that I my genetics will NEVER see.  Neely - piece of cake - there were NO KINDERS!!!!  KVELC - 200 of those little guys and one who didn't know her last name, but was so happy to show me her sparkly shoes and matching backpack, all I could do is smile and say, "I know!  Hello Kitty is it, right?!?!?!"

Now, know me as you do, I didn't really ask permission, I just show up and do stuff.  They do not know that they want me and I do not give them a choice, I just say, "I have this and you need it."  Later on they say, "I love it!"  And I say, "I know.  Told you"  Humility was never my strong suit.  Yesterday, I was discussing shoes matching backpacks.  Today, I was standing on a chair and bellowing out in my very large voice when breakfast was done and where 200 kinders needed to go and they all listened.  Pretty good for 1 and 1/2 lungs!  No, not the miracle.  That is just normal.  I was asked to come back tomorrow because the PA system does not work in the cafeteria and I was effective.  That is a quote by the way.  I get the oddest jobs.

The miracle this week was Nolan.  I know, right?!?!??!  Last weekend, when I was canning at my Aunt's, yes people still do that, Robbie, my cousin, went fishin' and crabin' and brought everyone back a haul.  We have had salmon and crab all week.  Now, I know a few families that have grown up with that and I was one of them.  At six, I was eating lobster, clams, salmon and everything else from the sea, and I knew how.  I am not good with children that turn up their nose to food.  First night, Nolan hated salmon and crab.  Second night, I made teriyaki.  Third night, Nolan hated salmon, but he ate it.  Tonight, while everyone else was polite, even I noticed the crab cakes had too many shells in them to be okay for little boys and I gave up telling Nolan he could be done. He came to me and said, "Mommy, I love your pears and want them (we canned some this past weekend), but is there another crab cake?  They are awesome!  I will have my pears after."  Speechless......still speechless.  Literally stunned.  Do I cry?  Do I make a martini?  Do I do a happy dance or do I just fry up the rest of the crab cakes?!?!?!?  Fry crab cakes.  Miracle.  Plain and simple.

While sometimes I wonder if I am doing the right thing, while sometimes I wonder if all the work I do not directed specifically to my kids, while sometimes I wonder if making a child not cry because I can tell them in BAD Spanish that it will be okay and your Mom needs to learn here today and tell her all about it tonight, it is worth it.  Ordinary miracles.

How did I get this life?  How did I get this wonderful, amazing, beautiful life?!  Thank you Mom for making me learn Spanish (not guitar - still hate guitar), thank to the travel and NPH for teaching me what a first world problem is and all you can do with a spoon, and thank you to life for letting me see ordinary miracles.  I am so lucky.

Happy Thursday - Go Seahawks! Ang

Results are back....

Sorry I did not do this sooner!  I did get the pathology results on Wednesday.  Hank asked me how I was and I said, "I am a little amped (sp) up with all this stuff."  We looked.  It was there. No cancer.  I cried.   I asked if it was ever going to get easier.  He said, "No.  Just get the worry out and then pick yourself up which you are so good at.  You have been through hell."  Exhale.  Then, my Mom called from the her eye appointment and he and her started having a conversation. Again, my Mom is the most popular in the room.  I have my exam and he says, "Okay dear, I will see you in three months."  I was like, "Wha?  Three months?  I see you monthly."  He clarified, "Well, now I say three months."  The entire office heard me as I squealed with joy, "THAT IS AWESOME!!!!  THREE MONTHS!!!"  I told everyone I saw on the way out....."I do not have to come back for three month......did you hear that?  I do not have to come back for three months.  I have never not been here for three months and I am not going to come here for three months.  It has been seven years......"  You get the idea.  Everyone congratulated me.  I felt a little bad for my glee, but I remember seeing people like that six years ago and said to myself, "someday."  Someday came.

Love, Ang

Poor Cheryl...

Summer is rolling along and it has been good.  The boys have learned about sunburns and how I was really serious about having to wear a swim shirt!  We have already taken a road trip to Yosemite, the boys have done Golf Camp, Nolan did Cooking School, Mason did Basketball Camp and this week they are at Camp Berachah.  Camp Berachah is the funnest thing ever.  They pick them up in front of a church in downtown Kent in the same bus many of us rode to camp in.  I am sure it is two or three engines ago, but you know what I am talking about.  They swim, do arts and crafts, archery, etc.  Mason is in horse camp, so they each have their own horse and ride everyday.  Sprinkle it with a little fellowship and prayer and it truly is a special place.  The reason I bring this up is Monday was the boys first day and my kids arrive by bus, so I texted Cheryl to be sure she was driving Carter and Ethan so that she could make sure Nolan got to be in Carter's group.  Ethan is usually with Mason, but when Mason signed up for Horse camp, Ethan said, and I quote, "Have fun with that!"  Like, NO WAY I AM DOIN" THAT DUDE!  The have owed them a phone call, and photo swap since Yosemite, so I apologized and said what had been going on and that I was prepping for surgery while I was texting.  YEAH....she probably thought the same thing.......  I forget that me going into surgery not like "going to work", or "going to your performance review", or "pulling weeds", or "going to the store."  It is like, "HAVING SURGERY".  Let me back up.....

Way back in February many of you will remember that Aunt Flo came back....yes, the good period.  TWICE.  My Dad taught me that if it looks like crap, acts like crap, and smells like crap.  It is probably crap.  Substitute "a period" for crap, and you got it!  I told Hank, my oncologist.  He told me that I should probably go see my Gyn/oncologist.  I said, "Don't we have bigger fish to fry and it is a period.  It looks like a period, acts.....",  you get it. So, I did NOT go to my Gyn/oncologist and I did not have another period.  I told Hank and he said, "Well, we are down on fish, so why don't you go see the Gyn/oncologist?"  FINE.  Went.  Saw him.  Lovely gentlemen.  Has three women following him around and, as usual, I am a great topic of conversation for the "odd case".  I told him about the periods.  The conversation went like this, "Was this bleeding after intercourse?"  "Dr. I can't remember what I wore yesterday, so I couldn't tell ya."  "Was it after an accident?"  (confused look)  "I will take that as a no."  "Was it accompanied with pain?"  "Maybe."  "HMMMMMMM."  "Angela, (with his nice southern accent) based on all that has been done to your pelvis between the radiation and chemotherapy you should never expect to have period again."  He said it like, ".....or even in your next life, or the one after that."  We are going to need to get a biopsy and while I am not worried about this because of your scan and blood work (forgetting that my blood show no sign of cancer and never has), I need to do this relatively soon.  How does Monday look?  FRICK.  "Yeah, I am free."  "Okay, then, see you Monday."  I leave and tell them that I do not need a hospital packet, I re sight all the rules, when to stop eating, when to "prep", how to shower, etc etc etc.  And then I start the calls.  You get the kids.  Can you drive me?  Do you know how I like my blankets tucked?  No like Elaine does it.  Where is Elaine!  THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU.  I wake up in the middle of the night.........freaking out.  I can't do it again.  I can't.  I won't.  I can't and won't and I do not want to.  Grant gets me a pill and holds me till I fall asleep.  Last words...."I can't do it."  Grant, "Everything is going to be fine."

Surgery was on Monday.  They were waiting for my Dr. to come see me before and I was like, "I just saw him.  I am good.  Let's get this show on the road.  He knows what he is doing.  I know what he is doing.  You know what he looks like, so let's head out!"  So, we did.  Bed side manner and all is great, but it isn't like he does not know my Vawhowho!

I see the oncologist today.  Do not know if we have results, but he wants lungs x-rays to see if my hole is healing well and he has not had me start my shots since the surgery, so he must be testing something.  If taking the twice a day shots in my stomach is on the table, I will love him forever.

So, back to Cheryl.  This morning, I text Cheryl describing a rain jacket and seeing if she wan't me to send it to camp.  I think it is Carter's.  She responds quickly and says, "Not ours.  How R U?"  Poor Cheryl.  I am going to write and abridged version of what I wrote her..."I am okay......gyn/oncologist....biopsy.....not overly concerned....freaked out making my panic attack hiking (we went hiking in Yosemite and I did not know if I could do it....I did it) look like a beauty pageant....oncologist today."  I do not think she will ever ask me how I am again.  I wouldn't.  Oh well, liked them as a family......they were nice people.

Sometimes people think I roll with it really well and for the most part, I do.  But it sneaks up on you and comes out like a bad zit.  On the way to the bus, Mason and Nolan were praying for the rain to stop and in perfect time, a perfect reminder, and with all the right things said, "prayer."  So, a little prayer would be appreciated...thank you.  Pray for Cheryl too, poor thing.

Love, Ang

It's Grant's Birthday and....

I had a scan this morning which, as I just learned is cancer free!  One minor thing is that I have a hole in one of my lungs but it appears to be healing so we just have to check it in 3 to 4 weeks to be sure it does not turn to infection.  Happy Birthday Grant and thank God!  Happy Thursday!  Love, Ang