This last week

I was back to chemo on the 9th.  IT SUCKED.  I got there and it took FOREVER to get my blood done, get into the doc and then start treatment.  I was there at 8:20 and I didn't start treatment until like 10:40.  I was almost done, Elaine had already held my hand, and it started....a panic attack.....I had been there just a little too long.  I started to shake uncontrollably.  I said I was cold, but Elaine said I was too hot and got a cloth for the back of my neck.  My nurse, who is AWESOME, came in, saw what was happening and point plank said, "Angie, are you have a reaction or is this a panic attack?"  I know and they know that I know the difference - "reaction" would have been the five bell alarm.  Shaking I respond with, "Panic attack.  I just need to get OUT OF HERE.  I spent too long here."  "Then, that's what we are going to do."  It seemed like a minute and I was out with Jen, my nurse, saying, "Where is she going?"  I was going the wrong way.  I guess I really wanted out.  Elaine corrected my path, I got into the elevator, faced the corner so I didn't have to see anything, got to the outside, and waited for Elaine to get the car.  I am pretty darn sure I looked like a drug addict/corpse.  SEXY.  After that, I was fine.  Elaine got me home on the couch and I feel asleep.  I don't remember much about that day, but I did eat dinner I think - Chinese??  I don't know.  Tuesday came and my Mom came over.  It was nice to see her, but I was depressed.  I had SUCH a good break - a taste of freedom and the previous Sunday, I thought I could conquer the world.  By Tuesday, I wanted to crawl in a hole.  Mom told me, "Just think about Saturday."  When it is Tuesday and I am suppose to focus on Saturday, it seems like an eternity.  Mom left and was leaving with my Dad to Las Vegas for their annual convention that I make them go to.  It is the only time the get on a plane, enjoy themselves, and get a vacation from me.  Dad was dropping the kids off at Donna's that day and then Doug and Donna were taking them to the cabin fishing and swimming for the rest of the week.  I would not see them until Saturday afternoon.  Wednesday, my Mom was gone with my Dad, Karissa was on vacation with her family, Donna was in Plain, WA with the boys, Grant was working long and then had hockey that night.  In addition, my friend, Sherry, called me and I tried to answer the phone, but the battery was dead, and it dropped the call.  I didn't have the energy to get another phone, so I just sat there and cried.  Shannan, my massage therapist, is Karissa's backup when I need to be unhooked from my pump.  She is 5'1" and a trooper.  When I opened the door for her to take me in, I just started blubbering all over her about how I hated being back in this crap.  She just hugged me and rubbed my back.  TROOPER!  I would have run for the hills.  She took me in and they were SO FAST we got free parking!  That is like winning the Lotto for me.  I got home, collapsed on the couch, and fell asleep again.  Thursday, Luke detailed my Focus, and locked up the house beautifully since I was sleep AGAIN.  Depression sucks.  Friday, I showered, did some errands and actually liked dinner.  Saturday, Donna was home, the boys were home, I felt great, JANE CAME THROUGH SEATTLE AND SPENT THE NIGHT, dinner was delivered, and all was right with the world again.  "Just think about Saturday."  I guess she knows best.  She is home today.  WHEW.  One more down.  Love, Ang