My week of freedom

I am exhausted. I have frantically run around trying to get everything ready for my internment and, of course, in Angie fashion, I did. Unfortunately, the stress came out on my Mom and on Grant. Get this....it was about sheets - like bed sheets. I know, it wasn't really about bed sheets, it was about, "Why me?"; mourning my new life that I had for the last 12 months, feeling like a burden on my husband, children, family, friends; wondering what I did wrong (which I don't think I did); wondering how evil I could have been in a previous life to deserve this (which is stupid to think about, but I do sometimes), etc. etc. etc. I was the perfect example of insane as I was SCREAMING the "F" word in my Mom's car. The best part - the windows were all down. Yep, class act that Angie Clarno. My Mom's response you ask? "Okay... Are we done with that dear???? No, honey, I know, it is fine, and I know it is not about sheets." I give it a 10 on the supportive Mom scale. On the 4th, I was at a friend's house and an older woman came out onto the street to watch the fireworks. She told me that it was her birthday, but she couldn't celebrate it because she lost her daughter to cancer on the 6th of July four years ago and that is all that she thinks about. She went on and on about the treatment and how bad it was, on and on about how in the end her daughter told her it was okay and that she (the daughter) was fine. Bored out of their minds, my kids left to watch fireworks across the street and, because I was raised right, I stayed and talked to her. Finally, the fury, anger, stress, and anxiety of spending time with her and not my kids during fireworks right before chemo was killing me. I managed to nicely (not like the screaming "f" word incident) tell her that I was a little familiar with the cancer process as I am, once again, a cancer patient. (Maybe I am a bad person?) Bob (cancer buddy that past two years ago this month) would be pissed at me for that. I am to say, "Cancer Survivor" always. But, I didn't feel like saying that, plus "cancer patient" drove the point home. The conversation turned naturally with a tilt of the head and a narrowing of the eyes, ended nicely, and I went to the kids. I love fireworks - next year - BIG ONES! In the end, I did have a good week. I wish I could have gone a little slower, a little less coordination, a little more easy time, but I will get that now BY DESIGN. My Mom called this morning from Las Vegas. She and my Dad had made plans to go away for just a few days MONTHS ago and I made them go. She was willing to cancel the whole thing. (Hello - Las Vegas in July??? There is a reason to cancel or never make the plans!!!) This is tough for her and as she told me that she loved me her voice started to shake. I wanted her to because if she didn't, cancer would have won and I just can't stand for that. I am taken care of. The boys are in school today and tomorrow and, for the first time, they will see me with my pump on tonight. Mason asked all sorts of questions and I just said, "You will be here tonight and Mommy will feel okay, but you can't and I mean can't play on me, wrestle with me, etc. Tomorrow after school you will go to Auntie Donna's for the weekend. That is when Mommy will feel bad. We will come get you when I feel better." All Mason heard was AUNTIE DONNA and responded with a resounding, "YIPPEE!!!" Funny how they filter..... Off to chemo with Shelly, Ang