Don't Count Nolan Out...

Well, chemo was chemo. It sucks, but I got through it. I had one tailspin however. Mason wanted to see pictures of himself BEFORE he was born, so I got out the pregnancy journals. I showed Mason his which is a bit different than your normal pregnancy journal. Mine is filled with shot schedules, extra ultrasounds, blood counts, etc. The joys of infertility, but it was cute and sweet and I have to say I did a darn good job in it. So, Mason runs about the room and I start to thumb through Nolan's. While I am smiling, my smile fades as I am reading all the entries and they are all about how I was sick and weak. How I got another sinus infection, got the flu, and towards the end, it got worse. I compared pictures of the day I went to the hospital with Mason with the pictures pregnant with Nolan. My second to last entry was..."I feel so weak, I am losing weight, but you (Nolan) are gaining. You will be fine." The last entry was a letter apologizing to him. It was written in April of 2007. (I was diagnosed in May of 2007.) It read that I was sorry that I didn't have the best pregnancy as per the entries in my journal, but I assured him that he was loved and wanted and that he should never question that. Pause. Pause. CRY A LOT. Pause. He has never known me well, but you know, I think he will be okay. He is a healer and a fighter. He was a perfectly born baby boy from a body that was really sick. He was always been a trouper. Rarely cries from pain - more from hurt feelings. In fact, he told me today he needed to stay in bed for hurting Mason, but he did clarify in painful detail that he didn't technically throw the train at Mason..."..it just dropped on his face Mommy..." I replied with, "Nolan, it isn't the throw or drop part you got in trouble for. It is the 'on Mason's face' that is the problem." "OOOOHHHHH......" with a gotta-figure-that-one-out-for-next-time sort of look. Let's remember, he is 3. I think he might be a healer too. He is CONSTANTLY applying Vitamin E to his forehead or lavender oil (which is a bit expensive!) to me or Jane or Daddy. He cares about everyones boo boos. He is also doing EVERYTHING himself. Probably because he is 3, but I also think he is trying SO hard to pull his weight for me. He follows six step instructions to the letter and is amazingly self sufficient. Nope, don't count him out - EVER. He may just sneak up on you and "drop" something on your head!!!!! Happy Wednesday, Ang