Results

My CT scan shows that while the tiny spots are getting smaller they are not gone. Obviously, this is not the news I wanted and when he said, "We need to keep going." a little part of me died. I told him I was tired that I wanted different news. I clarified that this was good news and he said, "Yes! This is great news." Then, after a breath and a couple Kleenex (thank God for Bobbi Brown waterproof mascara), I said, "Why is this taking so long?" He went on to explain using words like resistant, slow to respond, blah blah blah. All I could think is we have been working on two/three spots for five months (10 treatments)that are the equivalent of 2mm, when I was "cured" last time in nine months (17 treatments and radiation) when I was riddled with cancer. It seems like we are beating a very big cow for a very little area. So, I said, "When do we look at cutting it out of me?" thinking at the same time, just give me a knife - I will do it. He said, "After more four treatments, we will do a PET/CT. We will present you again (tumor board), put all options on the table, and decide what to do with you. There is only so much I can beat you up with chemo." I know that my radiation oncologist wanted to radiate my lungs last December. There were a few lung surgeons that wanted me too. Nice to be popular. So, there it is. I keep going. However, I requested, and was granted, one week of vacation. I wanted next week because I wanted to go to all the ridiculous Valentine parties with my boys and I need to attend my friend's memorial. Little do they know, Mason, Nolan and I are going to the Cancer Center next week to deliver Valentine cards like we did last year. It is the only time the boys go to the Cancer Center and giving Valentines is a good way to get them to interact. When my appointment was over, all the nurses were standing outside my door. They hugged me and reminded me that it is going in the right direction. They also said, "We are going to keep going until it is gone. Promise." I felt like a spoiled brat, but I knew I needed to feel sorry for myself for a bit. Grant and I went to get a coffee and they he headed back to work. I sobbed on the way home, but by the time I got there I was ready to be me again. I had a boy to take to the dentist - he did great. I plotted my life in my calendar during the appointment, made a bunch of phone calls, scheduled appointments, etc. I am going to make the most of my vacation, try and feel productive, and enjoy food. During my appointment, my oncologist said, "I think you need to keep going....." I looked at him with a crazy look on my face, "Of course, I am going to keep going. Like I have choices??" I think he was relieved. I may be tired, but I am not done with this yet. I knew in my heart we weren't done...I can't explain why, I just knew so the news wasn't completely a surprise. I am okay...or I will be....too much to do while I feel good to sit around and mope (sp). Love, Ang