Little questions...

Well, last week is becoming a distant memory except for three things. First, this was the first time I have been away from home this long since Kauai. It was been a good experience. My parents and I learned how to work as a team with the two kids. It has been pretty nice actually. There is always someone around to help or watch or assist. I now see why generations live together. Don't worry Grant. I still want to come home today and I will be alone. ;) It was also nice to have a vacation from my life. No mail, no bills. But vacations come to an end and today I go home to my completed kitchen which is pretty cool. Second, another cancer buddy of mine has passed away. I found out on Tuesday of last week. He put up a good fight, but in the last little while it was a one way ticket. When I cried, it wasn't for him. He is free. (Maybe it is only a cancer patient that can say that, but sometimes, just sometimes, that is pretty darn appealing.) I cried for his wife and kids. It is for their future without their Dad and why in the world did this happen to them. Mason must have overheard me on some level becuase the next morning he crawled into bed with me and asked if I was still sick. I explained that I had two things - a sinus infection and cancer. I went into enough detail, but tried to keep it simple. He then looked at my face and asked, "Are you going to die?" I have been waiting for this question and I calmly replied, "I don't want to, but maybe." He wrapped his arms around me and said, "I don't want you to die either." I smiled and said, "Well, sometimes we don't have a choice. I am here now and we need to take advantage of that." I try not to answer this with, "I am fighting hard, or I will beat it, etc." I do this because I never want them to not think I didn't fight hard enough, or try hard enough. I am beginning to know several people that have fought or tried hard and didn't win. Sometimes, it is not about how hard is just about being your time. I am trying to have faith in that and it is calming to "leave it up to the stars" (or palm apparently). As for the rest of the week, it was nice to sleep in the same room as Mason. It was comforting to hear him breathe, to hear him roll over, throw off his covers, and snore. I hope my answer to him was comforting to him. Say a little prayer for A. and her two girls. They have a lot to adjust to. Chemo tomorrow - scan next Monday, Ang