Shifting down and hitting the gas

The last couple weeks have been wonderful, perplexing, and bittersweet. Wonderful because I just got back from a wedding in Vegas without the boys. This is the first time that Grant and I have been away without the boys that didn't have to do with fertility or cancer. We had great time despite the 107 degree weather. We relaxed by the pool, ate amazing food, explored National Parks, Hoover Dam, walked around looking at all the amazing hotels, and gambled a little bit. Grant saw some professional basketball players at our hotel. I can't remember all of them, but one was Kobe whateverhisnameis. Perplexing because I always catch myself saying, "When we come back.." or "Next time we can take the boys....". While I LOVE the fact that I am thinking like that, I sometimes stop myself and take pause. I don't know what to do with the pause, but I take it anyway - whatever that means. Don't get me wrong, I understand that I will live a "long" time with management of my cancer. I still don't know what the definition of "long" is. I prefer to think of it as 41 years, but I think the official definition may be a smige (sp) shorter. Bittersweet because I keep hearing Bob's voice in my head, things that he emailed me, and his spirit. While I didn't know him very long, people that meet and live under severe circumstances are bonded quickly. We had a unique and special relationship that I will never forget and think of often. I truly don't believe that I would have been able to have the emotional strength without him. Why bittersweet? Because I would have never met him without cancer - the thing that ended him physically. So, here is what I met by the title.....I have been to the Nordstrom Anniversary Sale more this year that in many previous years. Last year, I went once because Mason saw the catalog and wanted a pair of sandals. I got them for him. I looked like crap, and was exhausted doing it, but I did it - for him. I didn't get anything for me. I didn't have the energy and, quite frankly, last summer we didn't know if I would be around, so why spend the money. Well, this year was quite different. First, I will now be around for a "long" time. Second, I met Susie in radiation with her jewelry, hats, and gems saying to me, "What!?!?!?! Now is the time to spend it all!!!!" I love Susie. You never met a women that could pull off boots and animal prints like she could IN TREATMENT. So, my cousin and my girlfriend invited me to go and I bought clothes, a little makeup, and SHOES. God, I love shoes. In the last little bit, I have had to exchange and return a few things each time going up a highway by my house that has several lights on it. If you time it just the right way you can hit all greens. As I was going up and down this highway in the car with the manual transmission, I was thinking that this it was a lot like my cancer. Sometimes, I will have to stop. Sometimes, I will see caution. Sometimes, I will get the green light. I hear Bob's voice saying, "Easy. It is all about timing and pushing yourself when you can." I go through a couple lights, stop at one knowing that I time it right I will get all greens. So, I open the sunroof and crank the stereo still hearing Bob's voice. And, when I come to the next time it turns yellow, but this time I shift down and hit the gas getting green lights the entire way with Bob voice, "That's it - perfect." Happy Monday, Ang