Monday, July 14, 2008

My Do Over Year

So, not a lot cancer related has happened since the last post. Life is trucking along and I find myself saying, "We can do that next year." or "I think this would be fun in a couple years." Both of those statements I would have never even thought of a year ago. A year ago, I was thinking that this may be my last summer, last fall, last Christmas. I was thinking about what do to for my boys, how to secure Grant if I would past away and he was left with the boys at such a young age. Now, I am not thinking that way, but other things are going through my mind. For example, when I was diagnosed one of the first things we purchased was an air conditioner for our bedroom. It draws from the front window and is free standing. The intake goes over the bath tub. Okay, stay with me, I am going somewhere with this. So, last week, I was cleaning my bathroom, and I said, "How did I clean this with the tube in the way last summer?" Then, I remember.....I didn't. I never cleaned the tub last summer because I was sick, because I couldn't, because I was so weak that cleaning wasn't on my radar yet my house was cleaner than it has ever been because everyone else cleaned if for me (and they never complained about it). It throws me back to one of my best friends sweating outside pulling weeds behind our fence. When she took a break we were talking and she said, "Why didn't this happen to me?" I know what she was saying because we are that close. She isn't married, she doesn't have children. I know what she was saying and, because of it, I couldn't respond to her and I am rarely left speechless. A few weeks later when we talked, I found the strength to tell her to never say that again, that she is still a sister, daughter, friend, auntie, etc. etc. etc. and that she should never, ever say that again. No, it wasn't fair that I got this. It was a cruel joke that God should threaten to take me so soon from my kids, but we never know our path and our journey is not all together controllable. The line between life and death is very fine.....we are all there and that is why we need to live life NOW. Obviously, this should be done within reason and responsibly. Carpe diem - seize the day. In Spanish there is a verb "aprovechar". (Spelling may be off.) It means to seize the opportunity/day/enjoy the moment. English doesn't have these words, or at least, not in the same context. Remember, we only have today. So, this is my "Do over year". I plan to seize it, but I get thrown back and I cry and I think, "What if it comes back?" For example, my PET scan is this week - results on Friday and I worry. Then, I remember, I only have today. I will deal with that tomorrow. Provecho, Ang


Anonymous said...

"English doesn't have these words, or at least, not in the same context. Remember, we only have today."
A friend of mine from a long time ago used to have a saying that could be interpreted as "sieze the day" he used to say "Hatchie Patchie Boom boom, everything goes when the whistle blows" followed by raucus cheering and noisy beer slurping. As I said it was a long time ago and in a far away place.
I don't even tell my children about those days. "Seize the Day" Angela, it is all any of us really has. love to you and yours pat&mag.

Anonymous said...

I remember that day like it was yesterday. And of course I remember when you gave me a talking to! :) It's best to do what Ang says if you know what's good for you. My goal is to make you speechless again (we all deserve a little peace and quiet ... just kidding) but for a great reason this time! Love you much. XO

Anonymous said...

Aprovechar is right and a great word. Aprovecha tu dia, la semana y los meses, tus hijos, tu marido, tus padres, y tus amigos. Te quiero mucho! Lizette