One year ago today,

I came home from a trip over the mountains with my Aunt and my two boys. One year ago today, my husband had the horrific task of telling me our lives would never be the same. One year ago today I watched my children sleep all night for fear I would never see them grow up. One year ago today, I wished I had never gone to the doctor. One year ago today, I thought I was never going to see.......today. My body is free of the cancer. The depth of love in my marriage is greater than I ever could have imagined when I walked down the aisle 14 years ago. My relationships with my family and friends were strained and florished all in the same year. I saw my boys turn 3 and 1. My husband agreed to go to Disneyland and Las Vegas and, if you know him, that is something I never thought I would live to see even when I didn't have cancer. One year ago today - what a difference a year makes.

Grant's 41st Birthday

Last year, Grant turned 40 and he had a big golf weekend planned. Well, I think we all know what happened with those plans since I started treatment on June 4th of last year and his birthday was on June 5th. So, this year, he finally got his birthday. He, and just about the same group of guys, went to Chelan for the weekend to play golf, Euchre (spelling), and drink. Sounds pretty awful to me, but hey - it is HIS birthday! Naturally, this left me with two boys alone this weekend. The good news is we did pretty well, and I, while tired, am very happy that I did it. I only lost my mind once. Mason turned it around after that. I am sure he was thinking, "Holy cow, she can LOSE IT!" My Mom was worried and cleaned her house in case I needed to move us there, but I didn't. She helped out a lot so that I got breaks and that was very helpful. Grant is coming home today with blisters from so much golf. Happy Birthday! One funny cancer story from this is when Grant was planning it he could not seem to find the time to book a place to stay so I got involved. When I called around I quickly changed my question from, "Do you have any availablity" to "Do you know anyone that has availabiltiy?" I found a house, emailed the info to Grant, but he wanted to think about it over night. While rolling my eyes, I called to see if I could hold the place with a credit card and the woman that I spoke to (different than the one in the morning) said, "No worries, just call back in the morning." Well, guess what, yeah - it was booked in the morning. Actually, the morning woman was holding it for a guy until the afternoon WITHOUT a credit card. I was like, "But she told me..." and the woman kept saying, "I wish you would have talked to me." By the third time she said this, I replied, "You don't seem to get it. My husband needs to be in Chelan that weekend playing golf, cards, and drinking!" and then it all came out. The cancer, the fact that he was 41 this year, etc. etc. etc. When I was done with my three minute tirade there was a very ackward pause followed my a direct and convincing response of, "I WILL GET YOU A HOUSE." Then we hung up. She called 10 minutes later and I started the conversation with, "I am sorry. I usually don't get that emotional. It is just that.." and she interrupted with "You have have a bad year - it is totally understandable. This is when I can do for you." They got a house and actually a bigger house for the same money. Needless to say, I booked it right then WITH a VISA. Second funny story was when Grant was telling me his schedule he said, "I am leaving first thing on Friday and I will try and be back in time on Monday so that you can go to scrapbooking." I tilted my head, looked at him, and said, "Oh, you will be back or I will be calling CPS on you on my way to scrapbooking." I mean seriously!!!! Happy Monday, Ang

WHEW!

Late last week I had some bleeding and weird stuff happening down there, so I called the my colon/rectal doc. He was out all week, and the women in the office were like, "It is probably nothing, but he will want to see you." What they mean by "SEE" is literally that - SEEEEEEEE YOU!!!! I was concerned enough to make the appointment and I went in today. It is oddly convenient that he can see it without doing a PET scan and such, but it still isn't the best time I have ever had. The results were great. Still no tumor, but there is something like a healed over ulcer. That is the best way I can explain it. There are some REALLY BIG words that I am not able to remember and it was two hours ago. The ulcer is from radiation that has healed over, but with any bit of irritation it will break open and bleed. So, it is normal for people that have had radiation in their BUTT. Never fear it will continue to heal over the next two years and whatever my "situation" is at the end of two years will probably be my permanent situation. He said to me, "The alternatives are worse, right?" I looked at him and said, "UGH YES!" Hey, at least we are talking about years, right? So, he was happy, I was happy, the office staff was happy and I went home. Here is another little side note....I had to go to the endocrinologist and have my 10 year old goiter looked at and biopsied. All my doctors have always been worked up about my goiter. I have had so many biopsies I can't remember how many now. Well, as usual, it was benign and they don't want to remove even though it is big. I, of course, didn't want to go under the knife as I am fond of saying, "me and my goiter" to doctors - it trips them out. Apparently, all these years people we looking at my neck a bit too much and not close enough to my BUTT. Happy Wednesday, Me and my goiter

Mother's Day

Mother's Day was an interesting experience this year. It was the last holiday that I had pre-cancer. At the time, my family believed that my inability to bounce back from Nolan's birth was just that I had two kids, was trying to do too much, and a general sign of having kids later in life. Nobody saw this one coming. As I was planting flowers at my Mom and Dad's house yesterday, I was noticing how much easier it was this year than last. Last year, everything seemed so far away, so difficult, and so tiring. This year, we finished early and I still had energy to go grocery shopping afterward. Mom even tagged along. It was nice to have her there. It is rare that we get time together - alone - to talk. We combed through at the meat section discussing the differenece between choice and select, but as usual, ended up buying the natural meat. That is what you do if you were raised from my mother's side. EVERYTHING is about food. When I got home the boys were resting. They were tired from making me breakfast and providing lunch to Mom and me during the planting fest. For the first time in months, Grant and I had a steak dinner. (We used to do it every Friday night pre kids with a nice bottle of wine and talk about the week. Now, Friday nights are pizza nights with baths for the kids and zoning out to a movie if we don't fall asleep before!) I over cooked everything. I guess you have to keep up on the skill, or you loose it. So, it wasn't the best steak dinner, but Mason liked it and we were pleased with that. I had gotten so much on Mother's Day. I great breakfast and lunch, a great present from the boys, and the season finale of Survivor. Can you believe that outcome??? I mean seriously..... Anyhoo, then on my way to bed, there was a note from Grant. Everyone was fast asleep, I was still in shock from Survivor, and I stared reading. I won't go into the details, but I always knew it was harder being him in all of this especially regarding the boys. Sometimes we would trivialize it like, "I am going to be the most in-your-face angel you have ever seen. So don't screw up, or your will feel the whack on the side of your head!" I cried. I kissed all boys good night and then slipped into bed beside Grant grazing my foot over his. They say in cancer that when it is "touch and go" the patient needs a reason to live - I have mine. Happy Mother's Day, Ang

Half way through the "critical" period!

In my case, it is most likely to come back in the first six months, so I am half way through. I had my panic attacks this morning and my blood pressure was high, but I am okay and releaved that I have another month of freedom. YEAH ME! We talked about a lot of things - some of them cancer, some of them not. I had a diversion today as my girlfriend from college came with me. With her, I can have fun ANYWHERE!! YEAH ME..... Happy Wednesday, Ang

Not invincible

Well, after six days of being normal, having fun, and feeling almost perfect, I am down today. I should have slept more, should have eaten less meat (even though they want me to eat meat for the protein), and I should have paced myself a little better. Oh well, it is all correctable. I will take today and tomorrow to do a little a possible and I will be back sometime Monday. At least I know the beast and, after several months, have learned to bow to it (once and a while). I guess this is the "once" - or is it the "while"? Man, last week was great...and next week will be too - just a little slower. My next "30 day clearance" appointment with my oncologist is Wednesday and, as usual, I am nervous. My "energy" last week I think is a symptom of my nervousness. I seem to get really busy before those appointments. It is probably a little bit of not wanting to think about it and a lot of "Wow, I need to get this stuff done - just in case." Such is life now. I try to remember it is a good problem. Have a great week and enjoy today - it is supposed to be beautiful and I will be moving slow enough to enjoy it. Love, Ang

A word on acupuncture....

I started it soon after treatment in hopes that I would get feeling back in my hands and feet. I have to say I was pretty skeptical, but people that I really admire and respect were convinced I should do it, so I did. I wanted to be able to thread a needle again and feel the bottoms of my feet again more than you can imagine. Well, after six weeks of weekly treatments, I'll be darned if I don't have almost all the feeling back in my hand and 90% in my feet. AMAZING. Then there was today......I was talking to my acupuncturist, Yim, and all the sudden - OUCH! OUCH! OUCH! Yeah, maybe not having feeling in my feet and hands is okay. I call that one, "The double edged needle." Anyhoo, I am feeling great and exhausting my kids, not the other way around. It feels great and I love to watch them sleep. The sunrise was amazing this morning and I cried the other day in the car, just because it was a beautiful day and I was in it. Thankful, blessed, and happy - is there anything else????? Happy weekend, Ang