Comedy (?) of errors....

Well, the surgery went well.  My surgeon is pleased and very pleased that I didn't get a hole in my lung since I am prone to that with the slightest nick.  There was some bleeding which obscured the view (and I am thinking how could there not be bleeding?!?!  I don't know how you people do anything!!!!).  We will not know the final results until three months from now at my next scan.  Karissa was there the entire day with me and even really got into the explanation of the procedure.  When he left she said, "That was really nice.  He is really good."  I know.  I am sooooooooooo lucky.  Because my doc is my doc and he is so careful, I spent the night in the hospital.  What I nightmare that was.  Karissa was going mad with the people around me because I was in the "fall wing" where they are all old, disoriented people who have a tenancy to fall.  So, all the beds have this pad on them that screeches the "Mary had a Little Lamb" song every time they get up.  And, by the way, they are like jack rabbits.  I got up to go the bathroom, unhooking, unplugging  dragging all of my crap with me.  I think I went four times in 18 hours.  They were up like 4 times every thirty mins.  HOLY COW!  One family, brought their ENTIRE family that night and then the room on the other side of me had a bed that was a translating bed.  It actually translated language but in a horribly robotic voice.  When the nurses saw me coming, they ordered me earplugs (which I used for 14 of the 18 hours I was there).  I thought a couple times that this experience could convince me that dying young may not be so bad.....  They tried a new painkiller on me that was a narcotic   That did not work well.  I vomited and vomited and vomited.  So, we ended up with giving me the anti nausea drug and then 40 mins later giving me the lowest dose the computer would accept for the narcotic   I am so glad the surgery went well because recovery is a bitch.    I forgot how much it hurts when somebody actually burns your lungs.  I will not be back to normal as quick as I thought.  I got home noon yesterday, Karissa fed me and her which goes against her principle of "will work for food." but she told me I could pay her back and I fell asleep on the couch.  PEACE finally.  At 1:30 I got a call from my Mom's cell phone.  She started the conversation with, "Angie, I only have two bars on my phone and I have a lot to say to you...."  Basically, she was being admitted into the hospital for severe anemia and tested to check for internal bleeding.  So, after I got a hold of all of her other docs to let know that this was happening, what they needed, etc., we determined that this was good to get the results sooner to get her blood up to par for her surgery on the 14th.  I had one hour to figure out what to do with the boys....Dad always taught me to prepare for the worst and Plan B went into action.  Call Dad,  he picks up the kids before going to the hospital for Mom, Grant is in Portland, Coleen, our neighbor, comes over to take care of the kids until Grant can get home at 4:30 when she has to leave to pick up her sister at the airport.  Dad shows up white as a sheet, send boys to make pictures for Grandma, sit Dad down to tell him that Mom is not dying they are doing this so that we get result and solution in 24 hours - not two weeks.  The is the only way to get the results pronto, muy rapido.  Coleen shows up starts working with the boys.  Dad has color in his face. I send him to the hospital.  Called Donna to tell her what is going on.  She is part of Plan C When Shit Hits the Fan Plan, and I tell her she is on deck.  I look at Coleen and she says, "Go to sleep."  So, I did.  I woke up and Grant gave me dinner.  I asked him about today and Plan B, Champions (After school care that has been put on alert as of last week), and Beckey (Mia's Mom).  He said, "I will call her tonight.  It will all be fine."  I emailed the teachers in the morning.  Plan B is in place.  I can rest.  Then Mom calls from the hospital and says the machine to do her test is broken so she is on hold.  Dad is like, "Are we just supposed to wait around forever?!?!"  Yes, Dad you are and you will.

THANK YOU TO ALL THAT HAVE COVERED GRANT AND MY BACKSIDES IN THIS.  What would I do without you.  Back to bed.  Love, Ang

February - here and gone....

Wow, February has been crazy good and good crazy.  It started with my trip to NYC to see two of my besties.  I had the greatest time and one day we just sat in the apartment for most of the day and watched Homeland.  Scary, but true.  Then, home for the scan and you all know how that went - pretty darn good!   Nolan's sixth birthday, half days at school, parent teacher conferences, Valentine's Day, 3 day ski trip to Big White and 3 nights in Kelowna with Rob and Jen and the girls, and back.  Things I learned:  never under any circumstance make your own pinata for your child's birthday party - Nolan had the UGLIEST PINATA in world history, when you make a pinata buy the PINATA MIX.  Lolipops don't make it - poor children.  Teacher Conferneces - my kids are smart and love school.  Valentine's day is cute now because my boys want to be my Valentine and marry me.  They really mean it because Nolan does not say anything he doesn't mean.  Skiing with your family is awesome.  So, this is the first ski trip that we skied as a family.  When they were babes, Grant and I would split a ticket and trade off, then they were in morning lessons and we would split in the afternoon based on level, etc.  This year we skied all together.  Four of us all on the same lift, four of us through the trees, four of us laughing together, and me saying things like, "Mason where are your ski tips?!!?!?!?  R-i-g-h-t...they shouldn't be there."  The kid is weird.  He is great down the slopes but in the ski line and getting off the lift he is a wreck.  He is lookin' around - ski tips everywhere.  We ended the day with, "Okay, your only goal on this run is to not fall in the ski line or at the top.  Achieved!  Nolan missed our chair once because he had to ski with poles and would not accept help.  The lift didn't even slow down, he was scooped up and put on the next chair.  The people he rode up with were great.  A screaming child was quickly settled and became a trooper.  AND, he didn't dork around with poles again. Things that make you go...HMMMM.  Skating both days in the outside rink in Kelowna brought some tears to my eyes and when we got in trouble for playing around with hockey sticks and pucks, I explained my husband was just trying to relive his childhood with his kids.  Patrol eased way up and we didn't get in trouble.  I love Canadians for that.  Good food, good friends, good wine.  Nothing better.  Then, the long drive back and all of us zoned out with Nolan talking, talking, talking.  He finally said, "Hello?  Can anybody hear me?  Am I talking to a wall?"  It sounded so much like me we all started laughing.  Back in the States for Mason's last hockey game, and his teacher came!  WOW, was he happy!  And now today, going to Fred Meyer, arrends, accupucture, etc.  My surgery is tomorrow at 10am.  Somehow, everything got approved quickly.  So, off I go to pack up the boys, get ready, and have a lot of red meat tonight so my blood work is up for tomorrow.  I may have to spend the night at the hospital, but that is not all bad.  I will be fine.  Everything will be fine.  I sure liked February.  Love, Ang

Scan results are....

I know I have not been on the radar for a couple weeks and I have lots to talk about, but the thing most people want to do is, "What the frick were your scan results?!??!"  I got them today.  I met with my Cyberknife Dr. and then I saw Hank.  Well, my scan was not perfect, but darn close and NO CHEMO.  The two spots that they worked on in November are doing nicely.  Cyberknife doc very happy.  Hank very happy.  BUT, there is a new spot.  BUT, they think they can get it with a procedure that is done on the same path as Cyberknife, but a bit quicker.  Remember back to the end of October when they placed my markers for my lung tumor in the muscles outside of my lung?  Well, this procedure, is a larger needle to the tumor and then they either freeze or heat it up to lethal temperatures killing it immediately.  BOO YAA!  The doc that placed my original markers will be doing this procedure also.  He called this afternoon believing that he would have a very good chance of success, but explained that he will most likely not get the margin that he wanted on the side of the tumor next to my heart.  Little does he know all my drama about vaginal leakage and margins during my tumor removal down south!  So, I am like, "Gotcha.  I understand that part." as I am taking a helicopter out of Mia hair.  I will probably have to be in the hospital overnight without complications and a few nights with (chest tubes, bleeding, and such).  I was like, "Okay....sounds right....gotcha......sound good......"  I must have sounded bored, because he was like, "Are you sure you don't have any other questions or concerns?"  I said  "Nope, I do want you say.  You and your group have given me almost six years.  So, you say it, I do it."  It is so cute because this doc HATES compliments, so I give them to him. It is kinda mean I think, but it is just precious when he goes, "Uh, well, okay.....uh, I think.....yes, I think....that is it.....you will call me with questions, yes?"  "Yes, of course.  Have a great day!"  So, back to insurance and all that has to bring.  I figure we got two weeks of that and it will be in March sometime.  EXHALE.  Yeah.  YEAH ME.  Now, to homework!  Happy Monday, Ang

PTSD, PET/CT, PCP and back to PTSD

The last month has been great - truly.  I have had so much fun, thought beyond one week, gotten my strength (and my vanity - I would like to say I am a bigger person, but there it is, I am not.) back.  For Christmas, Grant got me a heart monitor watch.  It is EXACTLY like the ones that I trained with when I first got out of chemo and had to do physical therapy to learn how to train my heart.  See, your heart takes a beating in chemo.  The medicine is pumped into you and it goes to your heart first.  It is the most efficient way to spread the chemo quickly with the least damage to your veins and arteries.  Your heart being a strong muscle can handle it better than any other organ, but not without cost.  So, when I was out the first time, I had to go to PT to learn how to rebuild my heart strength slowly.  This brings us to PTSD.  The day after Christmas Grant had the watch set up and I got geared up to go for a walk.  I told him exactly where I was going and that I had my cell phone and that if anything happened I would call him BELIEVING that I would have a heart attack right in the middle of the street.  I did no hills and I went for a short walk.  They say the truth will set you free.  I say, the truth will make you feel like an IDIOT.  My heart rate never got above 102.  No risk of heart attack there.  Grant chuckled when I told him thinking I am sure, "Well, so much for immanent death."  The next day, I did the hill out of the valley.  I was in my target heart rate and things were perfect.  In disbelief, I walked faster and harder.  I was told I am never allow to get my heart rate over 160.  I was thinking, "Does my heart rate go to 160?"  I got it there once.  Truth makes you feel like an idiot.  HOWEVER, I now walk the kids home from school and don't panic about it.  I guess my heart like the rest of me has somehow gotten used to this.  I am not sure if that is good, or sad, but I choose good for now.

Hank gave me the month of January off - like really off - no doctors, no appts - no nada. Then, my Doc's nurse from Cyberknife calls and says, we need to set up your PET/CT.  NOPE.  NOT DOIN' IT, NOT CALLIN' YOU, NO!  Three days later I think, crap, I should at least start the referral process.  That can take WEEKS.  That brings us to PCP.  I never had to have a Primary Care Provider, but I did have a guy in Kent that I went to.  I met with him and said, "I am not sure I would take me on.  Here is a list of my doctors."  Handed him the list and even he says, "Wow, that is a lot."  But, to his credit, or stupidity, he did.  I am STILL in process of the referral, but it is going and when I get that done, my scan will be mid February.  Then we got back to PTSD.  It is strange how it creeps up on you.  Mainly, it happens when I am shopping and I say, "I will stop in there and get this.  Who knows when I will be able to get back here."  Truthful answer, the next day or the next day or the next day.  With both kids in school and me out of treatment, I am so free, but I am still in the pattern of being so cautious.

So, now remember how I started this post, "The last month has been great - truly."  And it has, but my great and most peoples are different.  Example:  My parents are old.  I still have a Grandma that is alive.  Medical issues are at our door step - and knocking.  My mom will need surgery, but from everything I can tell it will be fine.  My Dad will be doing some treatment, but from everything I can tell (and I have been to the doctor with him), it will be fine.  My Grandma went to the doc and she is fine despite what the Heath Center tells us.  I may have to sit them down and say, "No, she is ALWAYS cranky, mean, stubborn, difficult, and cantankerous.  It is actually a good health sign."  So, here is my "great" part.  My family (Mom and Dad) were all on the phone after Christmas and we talked about their medical stuff and Grandma.  There was not one mention of me.  When I hung up I said, "Well, that was refreshing."  I am WARPED.  My Mom sometimes says to me, "I do not know how your do this.  Plus, all of this takes so long, why can't we just do the surgery and get it over with.  Plus, I hate waiting in the waiting room so long, can't they be on time?!?!"  My answer, "What choice do I have?  Let's get a good diagnosis before we start hacking at you and the longer you wait the less severe your case is - that is a good sign.  It is a bad sign when you just walk in and they see you, and the next day another doc sees you, and the next day another doc sees you.....get it?"  My Mom has been a trooper like always, but my Dad, well he, is pouting.  One day was I talking to him and he said, "I still do not want to do all this."  NOTE - ALL THIS is about 3 months.  I turn around and look at him.  He says, "I suppose I am not going to get any sympathy from you."  I reply in the most smart alecky way I can, "Y-e-a-h, noooooo."  He responds with, "I still don't want to do it."  By this point, I am exiting the living room saying something like, "Cry my a frickin' river Dad!  I have a stuff to do!"  Now, on this one, I have to say I  am not warped.  I would have done that anyway.

Oh, and I am reading again.  I remember when one of my cancer buddies - the one with the lego cyberknife - started reading again.  He read the Book Thief.  I had read it a few years ago and I remember it like yesterday.  It is in one of my top ten (of which I only really have five).  But, the chemo has cleared and fatigue no longer keeps me from reading.  I read the Night Circus (five stars) and I am now, on Auntie Jane's recommendation, reading Where'd you go Bernadette? with my bookclub.  I love reading.....

Last thing, my boys are hilarious   I am laughing most of the time.  I could go on about them for days, but I will leave you with this.  Mason and Nolan watched the movie "Frakenweenie" by Disney last evening.  It is about a boy's dog that he brings back to life.  Well, Mason took it hard and cried and cried for Africa.  I tried to make him feel better and thought he just needed to sleep.  Then this morning, he comes into my bed to cuddle and is STILL sad.  I had tried all the usual things - nothing.  I wanted to say, "Remember when we were starting to take Africa to the vet and you kept talking about when she would die so you could get kittens?!?!?!?"  Heck, Africa was in the car with us while this was going on!  But, I didn't, being a parent teaches you restraint cause I was never like this before!  Anyhoo, I sat him up and said, "I have to tell you something."  BIG BREATH.  "Sometimes things are just meant to be and no matter how hard to try to not have something happen, it does.  Remember, when we got Molly Moon and Hannah June?  Remember that day? (He nods.)  Well, Mason, I need to tell you that I had gone to the shelter before I took you and your brother that day.  (His head tilts.)  Let me back up....after Africa was gone and we had Cutie Pie, I was happy with just having one outdoor cat.  I petted her twice a day, no litter box, no nothing.  I was in treatment and I was tired, but you boys kept at me about getting kittens. So, I went to the shelter and made sure there were no kittens that met all of our requirements before I took you."  (Head up and eyes burning into my skull.)  Okay, okay, not my proudest moment...let me finish....40 mins later, we showed up and after looking and determining that there was nothing, we were going to leave, and the woman said, "Oh, two kittens just came out of surgery, they will be available tomorrow."  Remember that Mason?  (He nods now smiling.)  Remember how those two little kittens meant all of Mommy's requirements - under six months, sisters, not black.....(Now nodding happily).  Well, see?  I tried hard, but there they were, and how could I not listen?"  "Listen to what Mommy?" he asks.  "Listen to Africa on God's lap, telling me it is time to let go and love those two kittens.  (pause)  Now, you see, they were supposed to be ours.  To ignore that would not be right."  "Do you think Kokanee (our other cat that died a few years ago) was there too?" he wonders.  "No, Mason.  She was too much of a spaz.  Now, get ready for school and no more of this.  Life moves on and we have to move right along with it. Oh, and by the way, Mommy was sneaky right?  Did it work out for me?  (He shakes his head now smiling.)  Yeah, well, it won't for you either!"  He hugs me and kisses both Molly and Hannah (who have congregated on my bed with us during all of this) on the head and then skips downstairs to eat.  Me?  I am holding my hand to my mouth trying not to make a sound.  Tears streaming out of my eyes.  PTSD sneaks up again.  "Can I have cereal??" Mason calls from downstairs.  I wipe my tears and call back, "Of course, you can."  Life moves on and we have to move right along with it.

Love, Ang

Almost Christmas!

Christmas is almost here.  The oven is preheating for the cookies.  The advent calendars (traditional, lego and online!) are all up to date, the lights are up the presents are wrapped, so let the festivities begin! This will be my second Christmas no in treatment.  Wow, who'd a thunk it?  I certainly didn't.  December has been busy and I have experienced some fatigue, but not much.  It has, for the most part, been great.  I took the boys to their first real big time musical, Elf.  We went with Grandma and Auntie Donna. They loved it and they were darn good.  As I was walking back to the car with them, I wasn't holding their hands with a death grip, I was following them.  They were discussing the play and video games to each other.  That is when I realized - they are little men.  My babes have shed.  Their legs are long and think about things and have opinions.  They can reflect on their behavior and school work when it is time for allowance.  They can negotiate and it is not SOOOO ridiculous.  They get jokes and understand teasing, well, most of the time.  Some funny things that happen this month:  Mason desperately wanted to go to the Nutcracker.  They discussed it in school, listened to the music, etc.  He knew the composer, Tchaikovsky, and everything.  So, he and I went.  Nolan happily stayed with Grandma and Grandpa.  Girls in dresses?  Men in tights?  NO THANK YOU!  After it was over, and we had finished our Mouse King Cookie, he told me that he thought there would be more talking.  I said, "No, not in ballet.  They tell the story by the dance.  That is why we read the story in the program before each piece."  Oh.  I figured he hated it, but he asked to go the gift shop and there he insisted to on purchasing a Nutcracker. Not the small one, by the way, the regular sized one.  He asked if he could borrow the money and he would pay me back.  Since I know he is loaded and never spends his money, I agreed.  I said, "You must have liked it if you want to buy this?"  "I loved it!  It just would have been better if there was a little talking."  Okay, well, let's fill out a comment card....NOT.  We then went to the Center House and watched the Christmas Train and headed home.  A date with my eldest.  What a perfect day.  

Now, for Nolan, well, he is five.  He loved Elf, but thought it was a bit too long.  He loved dinner after Elf and decided to split dessert by five; however, the pieces were not close to even.    There were four small pieces and then a huge chunk left for him.  When that didn't work, he just ate as fast as he could.  I do not think Donna got any.  She was still explaining the unfairness to him when he took the last bite.  Nolan also learned how to play the card game WAR.  Nice and appropriate for the holidays, no?  He very nicely invited me to a game and had dealt the cards and everything.  I played and then realized that they deck was loaded in his favor and when I mentioned it to him he said, "Mommy - I gave you an ace!" ONE ACE and all the twos, threes, and fours.  THANKS.  I explained how many things were wrong with the whole thing, but it didn't seem to do anything.  He has pulled many into his web, including Grandpa, but now, no one will play with him so he loads his deck, has three other piles of cards on the table and "plays for you."  Shockingly, he always wins.  After I told him that all of these actions were not what Santa was planning on - not sharing dessert, cheating, etc., he came to my room in the morning crying convinced he was going to get coal in his stocking.  We talked about the good parts of coal (which is a short list) and how maybe we can turn it around before Christmas.  

Oh, and then there was the moment of truth for each of us.....Mason and Nolan had be playing football in the living room.  When I asked if anything happened with the candle spilling, Mason and Mia said, "No."  I believed Mia, but Mason was shifty.  The next day I asked Nolan and he sang like a bird (trying to not get coal and turn around his behavior).  Mason and Nolan were playing football and the ball landed in the candle.  Mason was FREAKING out.  I told him that he wasn't in trouble, I shouldn't have put a candle there or lit it!  But, I also told him that lying to me was a bad idea.  I said, "I am your greatest ally, your greatest warrior, teacher, and guide.  I will love you always.  Do you want to screw all that up by lying to me?"  And, advice from Mother to Son, bites Mother in the ass.  Two days later, "Mommy, I have a question and you have to tell me the truth."  In a flippant way, I said, "Okay."  "Are you Santa?"  FRICK!  Paying attention now, "Do you think I am?"  "I don't know.  Everyone at school says their parents put the presents under the tree.  So, do you?"  I get quiet.  Pause.  "Mom?"  "Yes?"  "Tell me the truth."  "Mason, is it that you can't see Santa?"  "Kinda."  "Well, you can't see God or Jesus, but you believe in them."  "Oh!!  I get it!  (whew) Then, people that don't believe in Santa, don't believe in God or Jesus."  DOUBLE FRICK!  "Mason, NO.  Okay, truth.... it is complicated.....but I have something to read you....something a friend emailed me and I agree with it....."  So, I read a letter that a parent had written to her child about Santa.  A girlfriend from my bookclub had emailed me a couple years ago.  I have I kept it.....here is what I told him from that letter....

I am not Santa. There is no one Santa.

I am the person who fills your stockings with presents, though. I also choose and wrap the presents under the tree, the same way my mom did for me, and the same way her mom did for her. (And yes, Daddy helps, too.)

I imagine you will someday do this for your children, and I know you will love seeing them run down the stairs on Christmas morning. You will love seeing them sit under the tree, their small faces lit with Christmas lights.

This won’t make you Santa, though.

Santa is bigger than any person, and his work has gone on longer than any of us have lived. What he does is simple, but it is powerful. He teaches children how to have belief in something they can’t see or touch.

It’s a big job, and it’s an important one. Throughout your life, you will need this capacity to believe: in yourself, in your friends, in your talents and in your family. You’ll also need to believe in things you can’t measure or even hold in your hand. Here, I am talking about love, that great power that will light your life from the inside out, even during its darkest, coldest moments.

Santa is a teacher, and I have been his student, and now you know the secret of how he gets down all those chimneys on Christmas Eve: he has help from all the people whose hearts he’s filled with joy.

With full hearts, people like Daddy and me take our turns helping Santa do a job that would otherwise be impossible.

So, no. I am not Santa. Santa is love and magic and hope and happiness. I’m on his team, and now you are, too.

Mason took it well.  I told him that we cannot tell any of this to Nolan.  Part of our job is to let him have the magic until he can understand it.  "I promise Mommy."  And, he has done a wonderful job.  My babes have shed.

May your Christmas be everything you hope and dream about and may your New Year be a healthy one!

Love, 

Angie with Grant, Mason, Nolan, Molly Moon, and Hannah June

Enjoying Remission and Mason's Birthday

Well, life is ticking along.  The first two weeks of remission I slept for most of them.  SERIOUSLY.  They told me the fatigue would come after two weeks and I was thinkin', "WOW, this is going to be bad!!!!"  The at the two week mark I was in great form.  When Hank asked me if I was fatigued, I replied with, "Yeah, for the first two weeks, but now I am fine.  I don't think those people have ever had chemo.  Not that I want them too, but that is FATIGUE!"  He laughed and told me that he would see me at my next scan - that is like Feburary......YIPPEE!  Got some other doc things going on...always do....fixing me from what all this has done to my body, but since I have a couple boundaries left, I am going to keep those to myself.  The house is good, I love cooking again, Molly Moon (kitty) is finally growing into her ear hair and Hannah has finally forgiven me for declawing her (after she climbed up my robe and was SOOOOOOOO proud of herself).  I am taking Mia again after school on Mondays-Wednesdays and all seems to be restored in the universe.  I was listening to the boys in the bath a few nights ago and they were saying, "Who is the one that makes all the decisions?  You know all the laws?  Oh, I can't remember, it is a girl.  The President?  No, that is a boy.  What is she called?????  A Secretary????  YES!  That is it!  A Secretary!"  Not so slow after all, those two!  Anyhoo, Mason's birthday was last Sunday.  He told me it was the best day of his life and I think it was!  One of the Mom's that came did little video.  It is better played on a PC, iPads and iPhone won't play the music.  Turn up your speakers and enjoy!  Love, Ang  Cut and paste this link in your browser....

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Remission Today....

I started cyberknife on November 5th.  Above is a picture that a good friend posted for Mason and Nolan in his blog.  I love it!  The depiction is very accurate except for the person standing there.  When "Leora", the cyberknife machine, is in operation, no one is standing there.  Remember, this is HIGH dose radiation.  You are entombed in a room with 18 inch walls.  I have music and I can call to the operators to take a break.  Break you ask?  Yes, a break.  When I started treatment, we started on the spot with where the markers were "installed".  Leora was able to track my area perfectly and my treatment of that area took 29 mins.  It ends up being a little more because they have to line you up, etc.  So, I was on the table for around 45 mins.  The best way I can describe it is that I am a possum playing dead and I am being sniffed by a dinosaur that sound like R2 D2.  When we started treating my second spot, a voice came over the intercom and said, "Well, Leora can see it, but it will take an hour.  In addition, I have to wear a special shirt and have lights attached to my torso so that another machine can track my breathing so that Leora, all 2500 tons of her, can move the laser with my breath.  It is crazy and cool. This machine that is a bit noisy when it moves into is 150 different positions ever so gently moves with my breath.  I am thankful, but there is work to it.  On this spot, I spend 90 mins in one position.  The first treatment, I had to stop and take a break.  The second treatment, I got through, but I was like, "Leora, getter done because I am in PAIN!"  The days have flow by with 3 hours of everyday driving to treatment, driving home, coordinating childcare, etc.  I have been so tired from all the driving, from stretching like Gumby every night so that I can stay in one position which is not that comfortable on a hard table for 90 mins without a break.  I have been so involved in the moment of it all I forgot about today................................Today at 1:00pm I will be done with treatment and in remission.  Today I will leave that building and not have another doc appointment (after Thursday) for two weeks.  I will have Thanksgiving and Christmas without chemo.  Now, they tell me that I may get a cough which, knowing how I am, I will.  They also told me that in about 2 weeks I will be very tired and that I should cut my "to do" list in half for 60 days.  Tired?  Cough?  Bring it!  Today at 1pm, I will be free.  Love, Ang

It worked!

Happy day!  All three markers showed up on the scan.....I start next week!  And I found health insurance, even better than my last plan, thank you Brent!  Yeah!  And the soccer trophies got done in time for the last game, and Nancy is bringing dinner tonight, thank God, cause I have been at the Cancer center since 10:30 and still waiting for my last appointment.  Mason is warming to the word cyberknife, but that is because Nolan says it CONSTANTLY to scare him.  Gotta love brothers!  So when I was with Hank this morning, I said, "So, this works.  What do I do then?"  "We go the remission schedule.  I see you once a month and scan every three." he replies.  Unprepared for the simplicity of it all, I said, "Remission by Tuesday after next.  (pause) I think I can do that.  Yep, I am available."  Love, Ang

Wednesday went well

but we will not know if it worked until my CT scan on Tuesday.  So, Wednesday was the placement of my gold markers on the outside tissue of my left lung.  This will be how the cyberknife tracks the location of my tumor.  The other spot, or tumor, will be tracked by my spine.  There was one little slip up on Wednesday and they nicked my lung causing a small, and I mean small, pneumothorax or hole in my lung.  It hurt and I had to stay and have three chest x-rays until 4:30 in a room with a TV with no sound and I had nothing with me.  Mom got there at about 3:00 thank God to relieve my boredom and I didn't do much that night or Thursday.  So, grateful to eveyone that helped me with the kids and Beckey even kept them until bedtime and put them to bed.  I am feeling much better and we will see if it worked on Tuesday.  Prayers and crossing of the fingers and toes gladly accepted.  Love, Ang

Surgery day...

This morning I am going in for outpatient surgery.  They are putting in my markers for the spot in my upper left lung.  In the flurry of trying to get me scheduled and me saying I am flexible they called me one Monday and said,  "Hi, my name is so-and-so.  I am calling to ore resister you for surgery on Wednesday."  "Okay, great.  Do you happen to know at what time and where that will be?" I reply.  "I do not, but we can do this anyway."  "O-K-A-Y."  So, that is how it started.  She told me a nurse will call me on Tuesday about my medications.  I was thinking that is not going to work with my blood thinners.  Emails and calls were flying by the afternoon.  One doc said, "Just don't take it on Wednesday morning."  I was like, "That doesn't sound right."  (I stopped taking them on Monday morning.  Just in case.)  Finally, the edict came down - NONE UNTIL AFTER THE PROCEDURE.  Now, that sounds right.  Oh, and I also found out when the appointment was.  Then, my emails started flying.  A neighbor is coming over in a few minutes to get the kids up and ready.  Lunches made, homework done.  After school care arranged because it is early dismissal all week due to parent teacher conferences.  Beckey will pick the boys up, so I have all day to focus on this and get myself together before the kids get home.  Great week for Grant to be in San Diego, but that cannot be helped.  Last night, I told the kids what the schedule was and what I was doing.  When Mason heard Cyberknife he started to cry.  I explained that this was the beginning of the end of active treatment if all goes well and that we should be happy, but apparently just the word, "Cyberknife" was scary to him.  I got him better and we put the tooth under the pillow that he lost at school today.  He said, "I hope the tooth fairy knows it is under my pillow."  I am thinking, "Yeah, I hope she remembers it is under the pillow!"  Mason came in later with a bad dream, the cats followed him and everyone EXCEPT Nolan was in my bed.  Hanna June was sleeping right up against my back where the tumor is that they are going to work on - Africa used to do that. I cried a little, fell back to sleep, and woke up to be a very happy boy with his tooth fairy money. Wish me luck, Ang