Poor Cheryl...

Summer is rolling along and it has been good.  The boys have learned about sunburns and how I was really serious about having to wear a swim shirt!  We have already taken a road trip to Yosemite, the boys have done Golf Camp, Nolan did Cooking School, Mason did Basketball Camp and this week they are at Camp Berachah.  Camp Berachah is the funnest thing ever.  They pick them up in front of a church in downtown Kent in the same bus many of us rode to camp in.  I am sure it is two or three engines ago, but you know what I am talking about.  They swim, do arts and crafts, archery, etc.  Mason is in horse camp, so they each have their own horse and ride everyday.  Sprinkle it with a little fellowship and prayer and it truly is a special place.  The reason I bring this up is Monday was the boys first day and my kids arrive by bus, so I texted Cheryl to be sure she was driving Carter and Ethan so that she could make sure Nolan got to be in Carter's group.  Ethan is usually with Mason, but when Mason signed up for Horse camp, Ethan said, and I quote, "Have fun with that!"  Like, NO WAY I AM DOIN" THAT DUDE!  The have owed them a phone call, and photo swap since Yosemite, so I apologized and said what had been going on and that I was prepping for surgery while I was texting.  YEAH....she probably thought the same thing.......  I forget that me going into surgery not like "going to work", or "going to your performance review", or "pulling weeds", or "going to the store."  It is like, "HAVING SURGERY".  Let me back up.....

Way back in February many of you will remember that Aunt Flo came back....yes, the good period.  TWICE.  My Dad taught me that if it looks like crap, acts like crap, and smells like crap.  It is probably crap.  Substitute "a period" for crap, and you got it!  I told Hank, my oncologist.  He told me that I should probably go see my Gyn/oncologist.  I said, "Don't we have bigger fish to fry and it is a period.  It looks like a period, acts.....",  you get it. So, I did NOT go to my Gyn/oncologist and I did not have another period.  I told Hank and he said, "Well, we are down on fish, so why don't you go see the Gyn/oncologist?"  FINE.  Went.  Saw him.  Lovely gentlemen.  Has three women following him around and, as usual, I am a great topic of conversation for the "odd case".  I told him about the periods.  The conversation went like this, "Was this bleeding after intercourse?"  "Dr. I can't remember what I wore yesterday, so I couldn't tell ya."  "Was it after an accident?"  (confused look)  "I will take that as a no."  "Was it accompanied with pain?"  "Maybe."  "HMMMMMMM."  "Angela, (with his nice southern accent) based on all that has been done to your pelvis between the radiation and chemotherapy you should never expect to have period again."  He said it like, ".....or even in your next life, or the one after that."  We are going to need to get a biopsy and while I am not worried about this because of your scan and blood work (forgetting that my blood show no sign of cancer and never has), I need to do this relatively soon.  How does Monday look?  FRICK.  "Yeah, I am free."  "Okay, then, see you Monday."  I leave and tell them that I do not need a hospital packet, I re sight all the rules, when to stop eating, when to "prep", how to shower, etc etc etc.  And then I start the calls.  You get the kids.  Can you drive me?  Do you know how I like my blankets tucked?  No like Elaine does it.  Where is Elaine!  THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU.  I wake up in the middle of the night.........freaking out.  I can't do it again.  I can't.  I won't.  I can't and won't and I do not want to.  Grant gets me a pill and holds me till I fall asleep.  Last words...."I can't do it."  Grant, "Everything is going to be fine."

Surgery was on Monday.  They were waiting for my Dr. to come see me before and I was like, "I just saw him.  I am good.  Let's get this show on the road.  He knows what he is doing.  I know what he is doing.  You know what he looks like, so let's head out!"  So, we did.  Bed side manner and all is great, but it isn't like he does not know my Vawhowho!

I see the oncologist today.  Do not know if we have results, but he wants lungs x-rays to see if my hole is healing well and he has not had me start my shots since the surgery, so he must be testing something.  If taking the twice a day shots in my stomach is on the table, I will love him forever.

So, back to Cheryl.  This morning, I text Cheryl describing a rain jacket and seeing if she wan't me to send it to camp.  I think it is Carter's.  She responds quickly and says, "Not ours.  How R U?"  Poor Cheryl.  I am going to write and abridged version of what I wrote her..."I am okay......gyn/oncologist....biopsy.....not overly concerned....freaked out making my panic attack hiking (we went hiking in Yosemite and I did not know if I could do it....I did it) look like a beauty pageant....oncologist today."  I do not think she will ever ask me how I am again.  I wouldn't.  Oh well, liked them as a family......they were nice people.

Sometimes people think I roll with it really well and for the most part, I do.  But it sneaks up on you and comes out like a bad zit.  On the way to the bus, Mason and Nolan were praying for the rain to stop and in perfect time, a perfect reminder, and with all the right things said, "prayer."  So, a little prayer would be appreciated...thank you.  Pray for Cheryl too, poor thing.

Love, Ang

It's Grant's Birthday and....

I had a scan this morning which, as I just learned is cancer free!  One minor thing is that I have a hole in one of my lungs but it appears to be healing so we just have to check it in 3 to 4 weeks to be sure it does not turn to infection.  Happy Birthday Grant and thank God!  Happy Thursday!  Love, Ang

It's my birthday!!!!

As many of you know, I have never been big on my birthday, I work, I exercise, but there are a few things that I do love.....flowers, my boys kisses (even the big one), and ice cream cake.  On my big birthdays, 30, 40 and soon 50, I like to have parties, but the ones in between never USED to phase me.  I called them "tweeners".  Then, I got cancer and every birthday is a blessing.  Yesterday my family had a family day.  I went shopping with the boys.  Grant and Mason got the same shirt.  We picked up Mason's new bike.  The boys "helped" me with the weekly shopping.  Nolan bought me a reusable cup at Starbucks in Fred Meyer from one of our baseball mom's and I filled it with my Starbuck's birthday latte.  We were going to go to the pool, but we never got there.  My favorite tree was blooming in the back yard.  The one that shades the patio and you look up into a million little flowers.  It is the best.  I got, not one, but two bouquets of flowers and, my ice cream cake.  Today, on my actual birthday, I had plans to do yoga, but my buddy bailed so I did too.  My Mom invited me to lunch, but we decided that we had had so many birthday lunches we should postpone it until later and then, right before I got in the shower, the door bell rang.  I thought it is just the UPS guy.  I ignored it.  It rang again.  I put my night shirt back on and went downstairs.  My boss/neighbor and my NEPHEW were at the door.  Both with flowers!  Now, my boss/neighbor has always been awesome about my birthday.  But my nephew has not been with me on my birthday since he was living in Seattle in 1993/4.  Best birthday surprise I could have!  We had a coffee and then he jetted to work, but we talked and laughed and I am so glad that all my plans were changed and that I was there with him with my teeth unbrushed, in my night shirt, hair unwashed for a few days and he still hugged on me!  I love him.  Then, I checked my phone and my email, and Facebook.....and I felt so loved.  Birthdays are precious....every single one.  Love, Ang (now 45)

Around this time of year I get restless

because this is the month that I was diagnosed.  This is the month that doctor's squeezed me in, ran test after test, the news getting worse with every test.  "We are going to fix this for you." turned to "We want to fix this for you."  Stage One quickly went to two and we just skipped three all together.  This is the time of year I look back at my first posts and think, how did I do it?  How did we survive it?  SEVEN years later, two boys finishing up third and first grade, talking about baseball every night, major remodel, PTA, scars all over my body, more medical paperwork than I care to count, two/three cats died, two kitties came, started a business, lost friends, babies were born, babies got married, nephews graduated college, lots of trips to many places.  Sound like a "normal" life.  But I get restless.  I cry in the car sometimes on my way home because I have a way home.  In the morning when I log onto my computer, I brush my fingers down Shelly's obituary.  It is not a sad thing.  It keeps me grounded and make me remember that it really doesn't matter MOST of the time, and what does, we did.  I have gotten mad at God so many times about the pain that the family must be going through.  First, Christmas...really?  Then, Valentines, nice.  Then, her birthday in March and now Mother's Day.  FRICKIN' eh?  If you are God, then change the frickin' dates?!?!?!?  But now Father's Day is coming, whew.  I have been thinking a lot about what I have never really shared when I fainted in chemo.  I think it is all coming up for me because I want to know how she felt when that time came.  So, here goes.....

(Faint)  I woke up, but not my body.  It was dark, so dark and I was calm and aware of where I was.  I was looking for a light, something to guide me to the next place.  It seemed like an eternity and I became curious as to where I was supposed to go.  I turned.  No light.  I turned the other way.  No light.  I looked ahead as far as I could see and then very faintly behind me I heard the chaos.........so many people, confusion, yelling, moving things out of the way, "Is her oxygen always this low?!?!?!?!  NO!  IT IS UPSIDE DOWN! (The monitor)."  I paused and it is like I was defeated because I knew I had to go back.  Crap.  I have to go back.  I slowly turn and I am jolted back in the world.  I feel everything moving and everyone moving me.  The oxygen in my face and the nurse saying, "She is okay.  She opened her eyes.  Hi, sweetheart."  "I am sorry." I reply.  Hank was there.  Everyone calmed down and the crisis was over.  My nurse that day was weeping while she was cleaning everything up.  Elaine was offer a drink and she was hoping for Scotch, but she got tea.  Really needed Scotch.  Hank gave me one phone call (like in prison) and I told him to call Grant and tell him not to come.  I was transferred for observation to the hospital overnight.  Elaine stay most of the day with me.  Grant came late that night.  I was still trying to wrap around what happened and how easy it would have been to go toward the light.  THAT scared me more than anything.  How could I leave my family?  The guilt I felt for having be so, well, easy.  I think that is why "getting back up on the horse" was so hard.  I didn't want to leave, but I knew then that the line between life and death is pretty darn thin.  I believe now that I knew how she felt and I want to make something VERY CLEAR.  When I was there, there was no guilt, no judgement, nothing but peace and direction.  You go one way or the other.  Nothing external has anything to do with it.  It just was not my time.

I just got to the place of tell this all to Grant last night.  It was a beautiful night and we were on the back patio.  The wind had kicked up and we were listening to music and talking which does not happen during baseball much.  I think I told him because I get restless in May.  He said something to the effect of, "I know how close we have come...."

Oh, the places we have been.......and the places we have yet to go.......seven years AND counting.....

Love,

Ang

My Life Now....

Defn:  Beckey is Mia's Mom; Grant is coaching Mason's baseball team; Champions is after school care.

I just wrote this email.......

Okay, so you guys know that I am going to Vegas, but I made a mistake and screwed up on when I was going......OPPS!  So, with quick recalculation and a lot of help from Grant and Mom, I am back on track.  Here is the schedule:

Tuesday, I am still in town, but I have Leadership Meeting at school, so the kids will go to Champions (I will drive Sean home), and my Mom will take Mason to Ukulele Lessons.  I will take Nolan home with me after Leadership.

Wednesday, I am taking the kids for late start, throwing them out of the car at 10:20, and meeting my Mom and Dawn (girlfriend I am flying with) at my house to blaze to the airport for our 12:30 flight.

Grant will pick up the boys and Mia (however Mia may choose Champions over this schedule) immediately after school.  Drop Sean off and then come home.  At 3:45, Mom will arrive to take Mia and Nolan to Nolan's piano lesson.  Grant then goes with Mason to Mason's baseball game.  Mom returns home with Nolan and Mia and Mia goes to her house before piano lessons.  Mom to cook dinner or whatever I put in the frig to warm up for the boys.

Thursday, Grant is working from home.  Mia will arrive early because Beckey has a work thing.  Grant will take them to school and pick them up after school.  Nolan has Baseball Practice at 6:00 at Uplands, so Mia may be there depending on pick up time.

Friday, Grant will drop the boys off early to Beckey's so he can get a decent day in, and the kids will go to Champions after school per usual.  Mom will pick Dawn and I up at the airport that afternoon.

WHEW - God, I need a vacation!  Oh, that is right....VEGAS!!!!!!

Moral to the story.....CARPE DIEM!

Happy Sunday, Ang

Am I broken? Nah, pretty sure it is hormones.....

Right before my Scrapbooking weekend away, I was to pick my refills of prescriptions.  I am on four things which I think is a lot but for most surviving cancer patients apparently that is on the low side.  I am on a blood thinner.  Two shots I have to take am and pm every day.  This is from prolonged chemotherapy use.  It thickens your blood to the point that I started getting blood clots in my lungs.  I have an anti anxiety drug that I take as needed.  This I do not take much anymore.  I got this one after I fainted from the allergic reaction in chemotherapy and had a tough time "getting back on the horse".  And then there is my mood altering drugs.  It is a cocktail of the smallest dose of anti depression drug there is, cut in half.  (They started me on the entire pill and I was so happy it freaked me out!) the other half is a hormone replacement pill.  Now, calm down, when you have Stage Four Cancer and are monitored the way I am, they do not worry about hormone replacement like they normally do.  Remember, cancer, got that, check!  For those that do not remember, the cocktail came from three years ago when I was in chemo, crying everyday, even on my good weeks.  I was not eating because it did not interest me (that never happens), and I was a mess.   I was sent to a cancer psychiatrist that said to me, and I loosely quote, "Angie, it is shocking how little information we have on the effects of prolonged chemotherapy use we have on the brain.  Keeping people upright has been the goal, and there are not that many of you walking around."  Meaning?  We have no idea, because you, yet again, should be dead. What they did know is that I had no hormones registering in blood test and I was crying everyday.  The cocktail worked.  We backed off the anti depression pill and increase the hormone pill a bit and it was perfect.  All was happy.  I have been without them for a few days...I forgot them on a trip to Hawaii, but Karissa brought the a few days later and I was fine.  Grant forgot to pick up the prescription during our remodel last year and I was not fine.  Stress and my ability to deal without them are closely correlated.  Well , when Grant went to pick up before the Scrapbook weekend, the hormones had been denied and required an appeal that the phamacy was told about when I got my first set this year in February. Grant was like she does not do well without these and she is going out of town. Yes, they screwed up.  Yes, they should have had me start the paperwork when I got the "courtesy" scrip.  What they did do is give me a bridge.  The most essential just for the weekend.  Then, I got the office to start on the  paperwork.  Now, this can go fast or slow.  I am with yet another insurance company, and apparently they are slow.  I think, well maybe, since the lovely Aunt Flo is back, I do not need these anymore.  Let's see how it goes.  First week, good.  Second week, my PTA world blew up.  In my regional meeting, I found out that my PTA meeting was now a public forum for the Kent Valley Early Learning Center.  I had to change everything up, quickly do everything by email for my meetings.  And then a couple other things have come up.  Good things, but more work.  Then a boulder hit my windshield and in all that rain last week, water was coming in my car!  Change that.  Mason had to go to the doctor because he became a frequent flyer at the nurse's office, and oh, did I tell you the school has hired me on Thursday nights for the Parent Academy for Student Achievement?!?!?!?!  Yes, I am the picture perfect example of that right now. It is just until May1st.  They will wise up by then.  Thursday night, I am reminded that I have to get snacks for the kids during testing that is coming up, but the testing has changed as most of you know and I now need to buy 2000 waters and 2000 snacks that include fruits and veges.  Frick.  I have $500 budgeted for this.  That is not going to work.  So, another thing to unfurl and renegotiate.  At 2000 snacks, I can pretty much afford the Goldfish.  I am told I should go to a play meeting on Tuesday (today), because I do not know why, but I will find out.  Friday, I crash.  I have a fever (which I am never suppose to have) and I have a deep, deep cough.  I do not get out of my PJ until Sunday at 10:30.  I get through Sunday and start to feel better.  Monday comes and I am doing well, but something is off.  I do my bare necessities at home and PTA stuff, getting ready for the signing meeting at 6, right before the public forum at 6:30.  The signing meeting is crazy chaos, but we finish and we enter the public forum.  I am sitting there starting to relax and all the sudden the speaker does not have a head.  Lara, my Treasurer, does not have a mouth and her left eye.  I go to the truck realizing that I haven't eaten since lunch which was small.  I grab some cookies get a drink of water and go back.  I apply my pressure points.  Still no face or no mouth and left eye.  And then it starts, I am starting to lose strength in my left arm.  I gotta go.  I tell Lara I am getting a migraine.  "Go home." she commands.  And if you knew her, she does that.  I did see her mouth do that.  I grab my stuff, whisper to Pat what is happening.  "Go home and take care of yourself."  He is nicer than Lara.  hehe  I try not to panic.  I have about 45 mins to get home, take a glass of milk with 4 Alieve and get in bed.  I back over the curb, but I gotta say, when I park in that spot I always back over that curb - stupid curb.  I am not parking there anymore.  I get home, find the Alieve, take it with milk, close the blinds, get in bed.  Grant knows the drill.  I just lay there.  Strength gone in my left arm.  I sleep.  Wake up.  Left arm numb.  I sleep.  I wake up.  Right side of my brain is pounding, but not so bad to make my puke.  I sleep.  I wake up.  It is 2am.  Exhale.  I caught it in time and tomorrow I can function.  Thank God.  Grant asks how I am.  He does not sleep well when I have migraines which is once ever three years.  I am fine, we got it.  He says, "Hormones tomorrow!" (The insurance company called me on Friday at 4:50pm and said they approved it.  The pharmacy call me yesterday and said they would have it before my appointment with my oncologist today.)  So, I am broken, but if the hormones plug the hole, I'll take it.

Okay, so now for all of you that are going to email me telling me that I need to do less, that I have to take care of myself, that I am looking for disaster, if you think I did not learn something from the last week, you must think me very dim.  HOWEVER, the last week was no one persons or things fault.  My life is not a bubble anymore, I meeting people, I speak publicly, I am the "it girl" for the PTA at a school I love to represent.  And you know, I like it.  I really do.  And I am so proud of myself I am not just a Mom with cancer anymore.  I am a Mom, President of the PTA (which I may add, while not perfect, I do pretty darn well), a wife, a daughter, a friend, a aunt, etc. and by the way, I manage a"terminal" disease in there too.  Cancer is not my beginning, though it may be my end, I will not be its "it girl".

I love you all for your concern, for your prayers, for your love.  I will figure this out.

Happy Tuesday, Ang

My mistake!

Hello everyone, I am so sorry that I did not update the blog - I am fine.  Really the procedure went well and my doc even said that I did not ozze as much.  I was meditating on that as they were putting me to sleep.  I just kept saying, "When the blood comes, just wipe it away.  Just wipe it away.  Let the doctor see.  Just wipe it away."  I told him once that I meditated before procedures and he said to me in his little accent, "YE...ssss...." and then changed the subject.  Prayer, meditation, it works.  "YE..ssssss."  As for me, My thorax has been assaulted.  When he asked me how I felt, I said, "Like I have been stabbed twice."  He said, "Well, that is good because I stabbed you three times."  Wonderful!  I went to acupuncture on Sunday.  Mom drove me.  I was a lot better after that.  I have had to rest.  I go to bed at like 8:30 and I have been putting heat packs on my sternum for days.  My sternum hurts to the touch.  It aches like it did after lung surgery.  I am rapidly improving and I walked the kids home from school on Wednesday, but I am limited and slow.

One thing I would like to say is that I came up on an issue this week.  These tend to happen the week that I am moving, but slow.  There is this woman that I haven't been able to figure out, but I want to be collaborative so I just continue down my merry little path - helping here, helping there, and not really paying attention to what people think of it.  Well, she has thrown my under the bus three times in six weeks, in addition, I was turning around and she was talking smack about me and my husband.  One...I am so old that this type of thing NEVER happens anymore and two I was actually hurt.  I came home and told Grant what happen and I even cried which made me think that my hormones are WAY off.  And I think, "I do not need this.  Why am I doing this?  I should just go back to my life with cancer."  Grant said nothing, but gave me the look.  He has many looks for me.  This one was, "Come on Ang, that will NEVER work."  So, I pull up my big girl pants and I decide to be the bigger girl with cancer.  I really wanted to just pout, give up, and throw a fit, but I guess at 44 that is unattractive.

Happy Friday!  Love, Ang

Friday the 28th

Last week was a BLUR.  Literally, a BLUR.  The kids school was back in session after winter break.  The week before that was early dismissal for conferences.  In three weeks, I had been in charge of or helped with Teacher's Lunch, Cookie Dough Fundraiser, Box Tops Fundraiser, Pizza Party, Cookie Dough Delivery, and PASA (Parent Academy for Student Achievement).  I did not really plan on any or all of these to fall on the same weeks, but they did because apparently I am a poor planner.  Plus, I did have a lot of fun in there going on a ski trip and visiting Rob and Jen in Kelowna.  So, by the time I showed up to the hospital for my first ablation procedure on Friday the 28th,  my hair even looked tired.  I thought, easy peasy, I get to rest. I will be great by Monday.  The Dr. comes to me and explains that he wants to reverse the order of the lungs doing the right lung first.  This lung requires it to be collapsed and a chest tube to be inserted until Saturday.  If all goes well, I will go home then.  The reason he wants to collapse the lung is to put air between a nerve that helps me breathe and the location that he is burning.  My nerve on the other side was damaged in lung surgery in 2009 and while I know that I do not breathe "normally" on that side, I don't look like a am sucking wind or anything.  It is just different.  He is concerned that he may not be able to collapse my lung because with all the work done, I have a lot of scar tissue that the body creates to help protect itself which in the end can pose a problem when trying to work on them.  Ying and Yang.  I understand why he wants to do it, but I also am not mentally prepared for "chest tube."  If you knew me back during lung surgery, you probably remember a time I was walking around with one of those.  I think I named her Besty.  Not the best memories.  But it is what it is and I go.  They knew this was going to take a while and I found out when they told me they were going to put a catheter in.  Yippee.  I am thinking, the faster you give me the gas, the faster this is all over.  So, they do, it is, and I wake up.  Now, when some people wake up, they are groggy, some have a hard time, some are clear as a bell and some people decide that they are going to take their catheter out.  That was me.  They told me no, and I proceeded to start to get out of bed so that I could take it out.  They said no and told me that they were going to keep it in and I proceeded to take it out.  Apparently, we went back and forth until my Dr. came him and he said, "Just take it out" like this is pointless, and she is not paying a whit of attention to you.  They say when you are "under" you are your most true self.  Clearly, I am related to Virginia (my Grandmother) who is alive today, but not because she is charming.  I get to the room and Karissa is there.  I start to cry.  I hate chest tubes.  Then I say all sorts of nice things to her (making up for the catheter thing), and she said, "You are still on drugs sweetie.  I love you too."  She visits for a little while, and takes off when traffic died down.  She was there for 11 hours.  Where did I get her?!?!?!?  I call my family.  Talk to Mason and Nolan.  Nolan asks, "Can you see the burn?  How many holes do you have?  I wonder what you look like.  How many tubes?"  (Fast forward to Sunday when I take off my bandages and Nolan is saying, "Mason come here!  It is not that bad.  WOW.  Cool Mommy!")  I keep the door closed in the hospital rearrange my bed and get all the machines to either stop vibrating or within reach so I can hit the silence button.  When I first went to sleep, I had the inflatable pillows on my legs (plugs into a machine that I put face down on my bed to get it to be quiet), and IV, my port was accessed but doing nothing except making me itch, I had on a heart monitor, oxygen that tethered me to the wall, and chest tube that tied me to box.  I could lay one way.  One of the nurses that came in was like, "Do you want this machine here?"  "Yes, please do not move it.  It is the only way it is silent."  "Oh my Gosh, you are right.  That is brilliant!  Do you know how many different ways we have tried to quiet this thing?!?!?!"  Then she start bringing in other nurses to show them.  I think I slept 90 mins together.  On Saturday, three xrays and one chest tube pull later, I was in the car with my Mom.  This was its own adventure with where the car was parked and ended with the woman saying to my Mom, "Usually people remember where they parked."  She didn't hear that or we would have been off to jail instead of home.  She did say, "If I was not taking care of you, I would go back and tell that lady......show that lady...."  I know Mom, I know.  My Mom was right, but I just wanted out.  Saturday I slept, Sunday I slept, and then I was on Facebook somehow, but that wasn't me at the hockey game.  I sent an 8 year old in my stead.  Nolan got the Star Wars series for his birthday and I watched way too much of that and finally today I feel good.  No more spitting up blood, holding my chest when I cough to spit up blood, but there is still a fair amount of "please, please, please, be gentle".  Yep, this one caught me off guard, but the next one will not.  I will be fine and we are all cleared by insurance for Friday.  So, the next update will be next weekend.  Oh, the procedure?  It went as well as it could.  The Dr. said, 'You tend to ooze, so I lose my target, but I am getting used to it so I am cautiously optimistic."  I asked him if "ooze" is a technically term and he smiled and said yes.  We find out in three months.  With him in my corner, I am optimistic.

Happy Monday, Angie

Things I am not used to.....

Things that I am not used to....

Being Superbowl Champions.  Quite honestly, being any Champion.  I remember the Sonic winning the NBA Title in 1979, but I was young.  I remember Allison, my BEST friend in the whole wide world, went to the parade.  Everyone was SOOOOOOOOO jealous.  So, I (despite my better judgement) am taking Mason, Nolan, and Mia down to the parade tomorrow.  It is a half day at school anyway, so really, school should be canceled, right?  It has been so interesting around Seattle.  Everyone is on a high, almost euphoric.  BUT......this is telling......I went to Fred Meyer yesterday to see if they still had any cupcakes or decorated cookies.  There was NOTHING.  Not a crumb for blue and green frosted cookie ANYWHERE.  There were Superbowl Champion T-shirt, but that was IT.  It was like they cleared everything expecting us to LOSE.  BAD BAD Fred Meyer.

When your doctor says, "We need to do this fast."  That used to mean tomorrow.  Now, apparently it means on the 28th of February and 1st of March.  My scheduler and I had me on the table last Friday.  And then there were like, "No, we need to see/talk to her first.  I need to look at the scans again."  O-K-A-Y.  Can we define "fast"?  I just want to know cause I am in the middle of Cookie Dough Fundraising and BOX TOPS.  So, then I speak with the ablation doctor.  He is so cute.  He is a nerd, and I adore him.  He tells me EVERYTHING.  He answers all my questions.  He shows me things and he never seems like he is in a hurry.  I ADORE HIM.  Anyway, I have two spots (one left; one right) and he doesn't like the one we just did (left).  So, he explains to me why he is concerned with the last spot and he feels he would like another try at it, BUT he tells me that we can just biopsy it and do the quicky pathology and see if it is live cancer.  If it is, then while I am still out from the new spot in the left lung, we can oblated it.  BUT, false negative can happen and three days later we may have a positive response even if the initial test was negative. Or, we can just watch it.  Or we can just oblate it again.  When I was talking to Hank about these options, I told him that all the pathology seemed trite and a bore.  The watching it seemed passive and I have never been passive....ever.  So, even the ablation doc said, "Now, I believe I know what you are going to choose, but I needed to tell you all your options."  Yes, well, as you probably know, I chose ABLATE.  I didn't get here by dancing around in tulips.  Then another round of conversation went on around me (and without me) because they learned of my ski vacation coming up in Eastern BC.  Bless them.  "Angie, we know how important your family time is and we do not want you to have any complications, so go, we will do it afterwards.  It will be fine.  You know, I ski.  Well, some people who watch me don't say that it is skiing, but I ski........"  Bless them.

And here is the final thing (boys you may not what to read this).  As you know, my scan was last week and they always ask, "When was your last period?"  And I always tilt my head, squint my eyes, and say.....2008? And then I say, 'One of the few silver linings, but I will take it - it is AWESOME!"  AWESOME IS OVER.  On Saturday, I was crabby and I wanted McDonald's - I do not eat McDonald's except for fries at the 212th McDonald's on East Valley Hwy.  THE BEST!  SORRY.......okay, I am almost completely regulated.  I am on hormones, an anti depressant, etc.  I don't feel much other than anger, depression, and PTSD all centered around cancer.  And even with that I am all, "This will pass."  Then, I went to the bathroom and saw blood.  Okay, I have seen a fair amount of blood down there in the past six years, but this was in the wrong location and the first thing I think is, "I am internally bleeding!"  Nope.  Then I start looking like "Sherlock" going to his MIND PALACE and say, "OMG! Could I be having a period?!?" Sherlock would definately not say that.  FRICK.  Yeah, it STILL is a period. The first two people I told were so happy, almost joyous.  "You are getting better!" " You are healing!"  SERIOUSLY.  Au natural is six feet under for me.  I have been maintained by Western Medicine for almost seven years, supported by Eastern Medicine for three, and my boys were test tube babies.  What part of au natural do I represent?!?!?!  Also, this isn't like a happy, healing, egg trotting down my tubes.  It is burnt marshmallow knocking down the side of a hallway and falling out of my uterus!  Could have gone the rest of my life without my period.

Things I don't understand....

Next update after the 28th!

Happy Tuesday!  GO HAWKS!  Ang

How does one describe this last month? (Scan results)

My friend, my family member (non-blood), and my scan.

My friend - she has had MS for a long, long time.  In November, she was diagnosed with Stage III B Rectal Cancer.  Treatment chemo and radiation - yep, right there.  Who did she call?  Yep, what were the odds she had a friend that has radiation to her ass too 6 years ago?!?!?!??!  I have been helping through that.  There is an experience that not too many people get to share.  Poor girl.

My family member - just had surgery for colon cancer and it is official - Stage III.  Not what I wanted for her.  I have known her forever and our conversations made her decide to go into the doctors.  THANK GOD - just in time.  She is sending her records for me and I am baking cookies so Hank will give us a second opinion.  (It happens MUCH faster if the records arrive WITH the cookies.  He does the second opinion WHILE eating the cookies.  I think it is the only time he is still.)

My scan...just yesterday.  Well, not perfect, but HIGHLY DOABLE.  The previously ablated spot is doing very well, but two others popped up and ones location is tricky so we need to do it fast.  I said, "I can do Friday afternoon?"  I don't think that was what they meant.  What does "fast" mean to you?!?!  So, back to preapprovals, back to scheduling dark time, back to cleaning the house and figuring out meals for four days or so.  And YES, I am okay.  I can do this myself.  Thank you.  I will be fine, but I might take Lara up on those cheese potatoes.  Those do sound AWESOME!  I do want to do this FAST because I want to ski in two weeks.  I have crap to do - and, as I used to say to a person I loved very much, "If we live well, we have won."  And living is not in a hole.  Skiing in February, Vegas in March, Hawaii in April.  I still miss her, but reckon' (SP) that will not go away very soon.

November to now have been rough for all the wrong reasons and wonderful for all the right ones.  Last night, Hank talked to me and he said, "I know you are just doing this in a last ditch effort to not have me treat you...."  And I laughed....HARD.  "Have you done chemo, Hank?"  "No." "Then, you don't know."  "Yes, I do."  "No, no, buddy, you don't, but if you did, you be running as fast as you could to the ablation table too."  "I am sure I would and that is why I am telling you to."  And back to the circular argument/joke/love/discussion we always get to.  "I want to see you for blood work and an exam before the procedure, okay?"  "I will make the calls tomorrow."  "Okay."  "Thanks Hank.  Good night."  "Good night Angie."

And the story continues.......

Happy Thursday, Angie