Things I am not used to.....

Things that I am not used to....

Being Superbowl Champions.  Quite honestly, being any Champion.  I remember the Sonic winning the NBA Title in 1979, but I was young.  I remember Allison, my BEST friend in the whole wide world, went to the parade.  Everyone was SOOOOOOOOO jealous.  So, I (despite my better judgement) am taking Mason, Nolan, and Mia down to the parade tomorrow.  It is a half day at school anyway, so really, school should be canceled, right?  It has been so interesting around Seattle.  Everyone is on a high, almost euphoric.  BUT......this is telling......I went to Fred Meyer yesterday to see if they still had any cupcakes or decorated cookies.  There was NOTHING.  Not a crumb for blue and green frosted cookie ANYWHERE.  There were Superbowl Champion T-shirt, but that was IT.  It was like they cleared everything expecting us to LOSE.  BAD BAD Fred Meyer.

When your doctor says, "We need to do this fast."  That used to mean tomorrow.  Now, apparently it means on the 28th of February and 1st of March.  My scheduler and I had me on the table last Friday.  And then there were like, "No, we need to see/talk to her first.  I need to look at the scans again."  O-K-A-Y.  Can we define "fast"?  I just want to know cause I am in the middle of Cookie Dough Fundraising and BOX TOPS.  So, then I speak with the ablation doctor.  He is so cute.  He is a nerd, and I adore him.  He tells me EVERYTHING.  He answers all my questions.  He shows me things and he never seems like he is in a hurry.  I ADORE HIM.  Anyway, I have two spots (one left; one right) and he doesn't like the one we just did (left).  So, he explains to me why he is concerned with the last spot and he feels he would like another try at it, BUT he tells me that we can just biopsy it and do the quicky pathology and see if it is live cancer.  If it is, then while I am still out from the new spot in the left lung, we can oblated it.  BUT, false negative can happen and three days later we may have a positive response even if the initial test was negative. Or, we can just watch it.  Or we can just oblate it again.  When I was talking to Hank about these options, I told him that all the pathology seemed trite and a bore.  The watching it seemed passive and I have never been passive....ever.  So, even the ablation doc said, "Now, I believe I know what you are going to choose, but I needed to tell you all your options."  Yes, well, as you probably know, I chose ABLATE.  I didn't get here by dancing around in tulips.  Then another round of conversation went on around me (and without me) because they learned of my ski vacation coming up in Eastern BC.  Bless them.  "Angie, we know how important your family time is and we do not want you to have any complications, so go, we will do it afterwards.  It will be fine.  You know, I ski.  Well, some people who watch me don't say that it is skiing, but I ski........"  Bless them.

And here is the final thing (boys you may not what to read this).  As you know, my scan was last week and they always ask, "When was your last period?"  And I always tilt my head, squint my eyes, and say.....2008? And then I say, 'One of the few silver linings, but I will take it - it is AWESOME!"  AWESOME IS OVER.  On Saturday, I was crabby and I wanted McDonald's - I do not eat McDonald's except for fries at the 212th McDonald's on East Valley Hwy.  THE BEST!  SORRY.......okay, I am almost completely regulated.  I am on hormones, an anti depressant, etc.  I don't feel much other than anger, depression, and PTSD all centered around cancer.  And even with that I am all, "This will pass."  Then, I went to the bathroom and saw blood.  Okay, I have seen a fair amount of blood down there in the past six years, but this was in the wrong location and the first thing I think is, "I am internally bleeding!"  Nope.  Then I start looking like "Sherlock" going to his MIND PALACE and say, "OMG! Could I be having a period?!?" Sherlock would definately not say that.  FRICK.  Yeah, it STILL is a period. The first two people I told were so happy, almost joyous.  "You are getting better!" " You are healing!"  SERIOUSLY.  Au natural is six feet under for me.  I have been maintained by Western Medicine for almost seven years, supported by Eastern Medicine for three, and my boys were test tube babies.  What part of au natural do I represent?!?!?!  Also, this isn't like a happy, healing, egg trotting down my tubes.  It is burnt marshmallow knocking down the side of a hallway and falling out of my uterus!  Could have gone the rest of my life without my period.

Things I don't understand....

Next update after the 28th!

Happy Tuesday!  GO HAWKS!  Ang

How does one describe this last month? (Scan results)

My friend, my family member (non-blood), and my scan.

My friend - she has had MS for a long, long time.  In November, she was diagnosed with Stage III B Rectal Cancer.  Treatment chemo and radiation - yep, right there.  Who did she call?  Yep, what were the odds she had a friend that has radiation to her ass too 6 years ago?!?!?!??!  I have been helping through that.  There is an experience that not too many people get to share.  Poor girl.

My family member - just had surgery for colon cancer and it is official - Stage III.  Not what I wanted for her.  I have known her forever and our conversations made her decide to go into the doctors.  THANK GOD - just in time.  She is sending her records for me and I am baking cookies so Hank will give us a second opinion.  (It happens MUCH faster if the records arrive WITH the cookies.  He does the second opinion WHILE eating the cookies.  I think it is the only time he is still.)

My scan...just yesterday.  Well, not perfect, but HIGHLY DOABLE.  The previously ablated spot is doing very well, but two others popped up and ones location is tricky so we need to do it fast.  I said, "I can do Friday afternoon?"  I don't think that was what they meant.  What does "fast" mean to you?!?!  So, back to preapprovals, back to scheduling dark time, back to cleaning the house and figuring out meals for four days or so.  And YES, I am okay.  I can do this myself.  Thank you.  I will be fine, but I might take Lara up on those cheese potatoes.  Those do sound AWESOME!  I do want to do this FAST because I want to ski in two weeks.  I have crap to do - and, as I used to say to a person I loved very much, "If we live well, we have won."  And living is not in a hole.  Skiing in February, Vegas in March, Hawaii in April.  I still miss her, but reckon' (SP) that will not go away very soon.

November to now have been rough for all the wrong reasons and wonderful for all the right ones.  Last night, Hank talked to me and he said, "I know you are just doing this in a last ditch effort to not have me treat you...."  And I laughed....HARD.  "Have you done chemo, Hank?"  "No." "Then, you don't know."  "Yes, I do."  "No, no, buddy, you don't, but if you did, you be running as fast as you could to the ablation table too."  "I am sure I would and that is why I am telling you to."  And back to the circular argument/joke/love/discussion we always get to.  "I want to see you for blood work and an exam before the procedure, okay?"  "I will make the calls tomorrow."  "Okay."  "Thanks Hank.  Good night."  "Good night Angie."

And the story continues.......

Happy Thursday, Angie

Christmas 2013

It is 5:22am on Christmas morning and I have already been up, set the house ablaze with candles, made coffee (VIA - modern day Sanka), read email which included the balance on the ski vacation reminder (really ON CHRISTMAS - seriously, those Canadians are cold! hehe), and now I am 'talking' to you.  The last couple weeks have been, well, interesting.  My last post included the passing of Shelly.  That will reset your perspective and after attending an amazingly beautiful, heartfelt, and true representation of an incredible woman, life's "busyness" just does not matter anymore.  I even laughed in a friends face when she told me in horror that her tree died on the stand after only three weeks and that she spends eight hours on lights alone every year.  The company she bought the tree from was horrified (have I used that enough??!), replaced the tree with any on the lot, gave her a poinsettia on the way out the door, and was SOOOOOOO sorry that it happened.  She was sincerely mad at me for laughing.  I was like, "Someday you will laugh about that this and, quite frankly, eight hours?!?!?!?  I take maybe, if timed, three minutes.  You chose to take eight hours and did you think that might be why the tree died?"  She was not amused in the least.  She will forgive me someday.  She has to - we are in Bible Study together!  ;)  

Christmas came together, BUT I did hit the anger stage of grief.  Unfortunately for my Mom, I was driving her and I to "Oliver" downtown.  Those poor people.  I honked at stupid lost people that were looking around more than driving a 5000 vehicle.  I cut people off from cutting to the end of the lane before the exit saying, "Okay, you have been warned of this for 3 miles and now you are getting over?!?!?!?  Hit me!  Your car is WAY better than mine!  Yeah, I thought so."  My Mom meekly asked, "You okay? You seem a little tightly strung?" while she squinted her eyes like, "Don't hurt me, please don't hurt me."  I answered with, "People think their lives are SOOO important and they are not, they are rude and fighting for position for what?!??!  And then really good people die....."  As we pulled into the parking stall, I cried.  I am okay now, but if you are stupid or shallow don't cross paths with me.  Consider yourselves warned.  Merry Christmas!  

As for the boys, I have gotten really good at hiding gifts and, like I always do on December 23rd, I was worried a bit that we did not get them enough. Would it be a Christmas to remember?  When I was little, I remembered Christmas morning to be a roaring fire in the fireplace and my Dad waking me up because HE was so excited.  I remember the Teddy Bear Christmas and the Bike Christmas.  I do not remember the Christmas I did not get enough, I remember two presents.  Two in 44 years.  That's enough.

Gotta go....I hear scurrying......

May you have a beautiful Christmas and may everyday of your life represent the best of you and yours, Ang

Sometimes life slaps you in the face.....

1.  Baby slap in the face...

The first week of December was a tough one.  The pressure of Christmas was on, Mason's Birthday was here and he decided right before Thanksgiving weekend and that he did not was a 1/2 Birthday Party in June at the pool, he wanted a birthday party.  SERIOUSLY.  Nolan started puking on Wednesday before Thanksgiving, I got a migraine on Thanksgiving, but the best part was, I got the party planned, kids were back in school, Evite went out, and Grant comes home early with the flu on Tuesday. I ask him if he can watch Nolan while I take Mason to Ukulele, he says yes and I go.  Well, through all of this, I haven't been, well, the best of Mothers.  I certainly would not have been nominated for Mother of the Year, or, let's face it, Mother of the Day.  Ukulele went GREAT.  Mason was praised by his teacher that he loves and when we got in the car, Mason, in Mason fashion, started philosophizing.  He said, "Mom, when you get upset, you need to go upstairs in your room, lay down, take a deep breath and think of all the good times like when we went to Disneyland on Mother's Day........(he keeps going)"  I am thinking, "We never were in Disneyland on Mother's Day....when did that happen....and that?!?!?!"  And I got to make a decision right there....get mad or listen to the message as it was intended.  I said, "Mason, thank you.  I will take that under advisement.  I know things have been a little hectic (sickness, birthday planning AT THE LAST MINUTE IN DECEMBER!, etc. etc.) and I am sorry.  We got home and walked in the house.  Things are weird.  Dinner is out.  I have everything ready it just had to be served.  Nolan was in front of the TV watching a show on Discovery.  Oh, nice the guy on the TV is puking.  Fantastic.  He is watching Moonshiners.  FABULOUS.  (Nolan does not know who to operate the Tivo or change the channel.  I was proud of that until now.)  Grant is upstairs having chills and totally out of it.  I tell Mason to get something on TV that is appropriate and I will get dinner going.  Yes, we can eat in front of the TV, fine, whatever just get Moonshiners off of it.  While I am getting dinner ready, Mason comes in and says, "MOM, Nolan is sooooooo frustrating.  He wants to watch Moonshiners (of course he does - he is my son) and he is not listening and I just want to hit him!"  YEP.  I know, right?!?!??!?  Breathe.  Now, a better Mother, would have hugged him and told him something teachable and helpful, but let's face it, her I ain't.  I looked at him and said, "Mason, when these things happen, you need to go upstairs in your bed, take a deep breath and think about the good times."  He looked at me and did something like, "ARRGGHHH!" and left the room.  I happily watched Curious George at dinner.  Later, Mason and I laughed about it, talked about it, and did the teachable thing.

2.  Mommy slap in the face....

The week ends and I am still under pressure to get to my last doctor appointment of the year, get the cake, read about my friend, Shelly, research more about this new liver procedure and she and I are convinced will be the turning point in her treatment (at least we were in October), she has had some challenges, but she sounds good on Facebook, visit with another friend that was just diagnosed, get her set up for treatment over the holidays, etc. etc. And then yesterday.....I went on Facebook and there was a weird picture, I went on Shelly's page....and she was gone.  Gone.  I scrolled and scrolled disbelieving what I was reading.  She was just fine over the weekend.  She just posted the most hilarious things over Thanksgiving.  I just posted to her on the 8th.  And then I had to accept it.  I sent a few emails, posted on my page, and then this morning (after being a hot mess yesterday morning) I wrote this to a good friend who was worried that I was experiencing what is called survivor guilt. This was my response....

I am much better today.  I, of course, am feeling the guilt.  She was my protege.  I was first and therefore would go first.  Once, during one of her chemo sessions, she said, "Angie, if something happens to you, I do not know what I would do."  My reply was, "Nothing is going to happen to us, but if it does you will carry on." all the while thinking of Bob and knowing that someday she would have to face it.  This was the wrong order.  Children should not die before their parents, and cancer proteges should outlive their teachers.  We were a force to be reckoned with and my girl is gone, so I am taking my own advice and carrying on mainly because she would throw it in my face if she knew all this and now, unfortunately for me, she has that opportunity.   I do not feel her like I did Bob, but I know where she is and the blanket of love she is casting.  It is right where it should be.  

Shelly, you fought like a champion as I know you are doing now.  I kinda feel sorry for God right now, but he will probably handle it okay.  I was blessed to be your teacher and your student.  I know why you did. I understand the drive to see your precious babies grown up.  All I can tell you now, is that you did it.  Everything they need to know you taught them.  Of course, they will miss you, but they will see you again, and you are free of this nasty business of cancer.  You can now be there always and your light runs through their veins.  Well done Shel - WELL DONE.  Love you, Angie

Thanksgiving and.....

THANKSGIVING.  Thanksgiving is HERE.  HOLY CRAP!  How did that happen?  Wait, I wanted that to happen.  I longed for this.  Y'know, time going too fast, holidays sneaking up on you, years flying by.  The flip side of that is hoping to make to Christmas, through Christmas with memories you want your kids to have...norms change....THANK GOD.

Everything Thanksgiving, my family and a set group of friends meet up.  For many years, it was at my Mom's house, then with all the chaos, it was at a friends, and now it is back at my Mom's house.  I am going down today to check it out, wash bar wear, and help her with her Verizon Bill.  Usually, she is freaking out right about now, but she is more concerned about her Verizon Bill than anything else......this should be interesting.  Maybe she just doesn't worry about the little stuff anymore....like after the last post she called me and was like, "Herpes too?  When did you get Herpes?"  I explained it was just the medicine and, "No, Mom, no one thinks I have herpes...."

So, for this Thanksgiving I am thankful for all the normal stuff - being alive, not being in chemo, y'know, but this year my net is wider.  This year started with my Mom have a large haital (SP) hernia and needed surgery, my Dad's prostate cancer had to be treated - aggressively, we were going into a remodel and we were between houses for seven weeks.  I pureed my Mom's food, monitored her pills (even when she took them whole - BAD MOMMY), reviewed my Dad's treatment, made dinner for the family, packed leftovers for Grant.  I did this all out of the guest house at my parents.  We went to San Diego.  My Mom got back to solid foods, my Dad didn't have to sleep next to the bathroom (on a brick floor mind you) because he didn't want to wake Mom, the boys, or me.  We moved back in, loved our house, and came in on time and within budget.  We had an open house, went camping, went to Montana, dug fossils and dinosaur bones.  With all the bad came the good, with all the hardship came victory.  What a year.  And one thing that I would like to stress is that no one in my family complained - not once.  My Mom ate pureed food for three weeks - not one complaint.  My Dad slept for probably a week on a brick floor even though I gave him every other option in the world - not once.  I guess that is where I got it from.  It probably is from my Mom's Montana roots and my Father's Eastern Washington upbringing.  Not a complaint, no grace either, but not a complaint.  Thankful for the docs, thankful for the support, thankful, well, for everything.

LAST THING - I "won" a trip to Hawaii!  I was filling a seat for Karissa and Morgan and the Childhaven action and I always get a Golden Ticket which is a $150 raffle ticket.  This ticket, if drawn, lets you take something off the live auction - FOR $150.  So, I bought it and wandered around the silent auction with Karissa and, her sister, Lisa.  We were dressed to the nines and looking good I may say!  We were like, "We are NOT going home just with a receipt this year!  We are getting something!  YEAH!  YEAH!"  No, behavior and dress do not match all the time in my world.  Anyway, she got a couple silent auction items and I entered the live auction with my raffle ticket and 4 tickets to the Tacoma Rainiers (silent auction item).  I was STARVING.  There was no cheese plate this year!  The introduction starts and I am like, "Is there bread?  Can I eat that?"  Again with the behavior, I know!  FINALLY, they bring out a salad and I am like, "HOLY COW!"  People next to me were like, "What is this?  What is that?"  I was like, "Salad, oddly with a small side of potatoes, and, oh yeah, those are beets."  Golden ticket drawing beginning, "NUMBER 159!"  My ticket was 222.  I continue eating.  "Can you pass the bread?"  and all of the sudden I hear my name over the PA.  Then Karissa is very sternly said, "Ang, YOU WON!  IT IS YOUR PADDLE NUMBER."  I was like, "No, I didn't.  My ticket is 222."  Stuff face with bread.  At that point, if Karissa could flick my forehead, she would have.  She was like, "Ang - YOU WON.  GO UP THERE!"  Turn, wipe mouth, pretty sure I have salad in my teeth.  LIGHTS ON ME.  I go up on stage.  Dazed but I hope that I am going to be as eloquent and sophisticated as I was trained to be at one time.  John Curley asked me if I know which item I want and I say....PAUSE..so let's back up.....the night before, I read all the rules of the Golden ticket right before bed and read all options to Grant.  I asked him what he would want and he played along thinking and rolling his eyes to himself like, "You know the odds are against you, right?!?!?!"  All he said was, "It is hard to beat Hawaii."  UNPAUSE.  Okay, back to the stage, I know what I want.  I could have been suave and cool, but because I am me and this is my life I am QUITE sure that it came out like, "WHA - OH HAWAII!!!!  MAUI!!!  Yeah, that one......." and I am QUITE SURE I spit a couple pieces of salad out on the stage.  So, I won.  $150 for a trip to Maui.  Next year is our 20th wedding anniversary and we honeymooned there.  PERFECT.  I was never one for odds anyway.......

May you have the BEST of Thanksgivings!  Love, Ang

Ahhhhh....nerve blockers......

So, pain during the weekend was bit better and Monday I saw the doctor that did my ablation procedure.  He was like, "You had some excitement on Friday.  Why didn't you page me?"  I explained that my phone was dead and I had also lost his pager number. He gave it to me again.  I said also, "You know you were off on Friday."  I do not know why I say these things.  These are futile arguments when you deal with Docs that are so committed to their patients.  I got the look.  It said, "I told you you can page me whenever you need to, so cut it."  Remember, it was just a look, but I still said, "Okay, okay, I am sorry.  You are in my special doctor location in my wallet now.  I will page you."  He responded with, "You did the right thing to come in."  I nod.  He examined me and said, "Well, I am not surprised at this, but I am a little confused on why it did not happen immediately after the procedure."  He went on to tell me how fast nerves heal (they don't), what I can expect, and what we can do for pain management.  "There is this drug that is a nerve blocker.  It will help with the pain, but the numbness will be there for a while.  It has been very successful with Herpes patients."  I was fine until Herpes.  I look at him like, "Am I supposed to be able to relate to that, and how do you know that?!?!?"  WHATEVER.  They work and I am back in the saddle.  So much so, I delivered 1300 products yesterday for the fundraiser.  Don't worry I am resting today with my Herpes medicine.  Happy Wednesday!  Ang

I thought is was done, then....

Friday the 11th went well.  Like really well.  The procedure went great, the doc and I agreed that I should not get pain meds after the procedure just to see how my pain was.  I believed and I think I convinced him it was the pain meds that made me sick last time.  When I was infertility treatment, my Dr. at the time said, "Tell me about your cramps."  I said, "They are normal."  Months later in the process, I was having cramps and said, "Hang on, I need to lay down.  I have cramps."  So, I laid down and was breathing through the cramps.  By this time, I had been through several infertility tests and NEVER experienced pain even when I was supposed to.  He looked at me and said, "That isn't normal.  Angie, you always say you have a low tolerance for pain.  After all this time, I think it is quite the opposite."  After labor and delivery and cancer treatment including bilateral lung surgery, I believe him.  So, I had no pain meds, they gave me a BEAUTIFUL QUIET ROOM and he made me stay until 8 for observation and then released me.  Karissa stayed all day.  Gotta love that girl.  Grant got the kids and played with Robin and Jen on Friday night.  I didn't bother them until I was in the car.  I wanted to make sure I was coming home.  During the weekend, I slept a lot.  Robin and Jen cooked dinner for Grant and I.  Not just any dinner, anniversary dinner.  They brought everything - flowers, their pictures from all those years ago, chocolate, wine, everything.  Still in my PJs, I combed my hair and we have a very nice evening.  They went to the movies with the boys.  BTW - my boys adore their girls and the play so nicely together.  We are really blessed.  Grant and I really relaxed and just talked about everything.  He even told me about thing growing up that I didn't know about.  He was also drinking, so I was playing with him a little, like, "Tell me more about that and what about past girlfriends...."  He just looked at me and said, "Now you are taking advantage of the situation."  "Moi?"  ;)  Anyhoo, we all went to the pumpkin patch the next day and did the pumpkin sling shot.  ROBIN won the GIGANTIC pumpkin this year and it is now proudly placed in our front yard.  Kinda thought that may be a problem at the border crossing.  The corn maze took twice as long this year with 14 points to obtain before we could leave and get our prize which was a giant, like size of your fist, jawbreaker.  Nolan had it ALL over himself  by the time we got home.  I took a nap and the house began to smell like Thanksgiving Dinner.  It was awesome - complete with homemade pumpkin cheesecake.  Robin had made it in Kelowna and transported it all the way here.  Jen was complaining about how big the pan was and what family would ever need a cheesecake that size. She offered to leave the pan here.  After dessert, they took the pan.  Rightfully so.  It really didn't end up being that big after all.  The Jones' said their goodbyes and packed up for the big drive on Monday.  Apparently, their giant jawbreakers lasted the entire trip!  Monday morning arrived and I got the kids off to school.  I was tired all day, but by Wednesday I was a full steam.  PTA busy, 8200 box tops submitted, working with Heather and email conversions not going well, ukulele practice, basketball for Nolan, soccer for Mason and then Thursday hit.  I was like, okay, I have a cough and my chest hurts.  Do as little as possible.  I clear the rest of the day.  Friday morning I feel better....start again....3pm my left side is numb on one thin line (my lung surgery sucher line) and shooting pain in the same area that registered as a 9 out of 10 occur.  I am at Staples.  Phone dead.  I email from my iPad.  Hank says, "At this point of the day, go to the ER because they can do all the tests we need."  This is one of the longest responses he has ever given me because he knows that I consider a visit to the ER a failure.  I get there before 4 and email once more, "I am here...can't I do this in the office or do I have to go to the ER."  "I am afraid they are the only ones that can run everything I want."  I end the conversation with, "Fine, but you are mean."  (I apologized later.)  Friday night in the ER is, well, interesting.  I called Grant and he was like, "What - I can't hear you?  You want me to what?  Why?'  I hung up on them screaming in the phone - "READ YOUR EMAIL!"  I had cced him on everything.  He met me at the ER.  We had a nice time and I apologized for yelling at him.  He understood and I think I gave him some insight on the cell reception at the proposed new rental space for CRETE.  The nurses were great.  I did say that the only silver lining to this ER visit was that I was missing a birthday party Chuckie Cheese.  (THANK YOU BECKEY FOR TAKING THE BOYS WITH MIA!  YOU TOOK ONE FOR THE TEAM LAST NIGHT!)  One nurse looked at me with that OMG look and said, "I can keep you here as long as you want."  I was there until 8pm just as the party was ending.  EKGs, CAT scan, lung x-rays, and blood work.  I felt RIDICULOUS being there with some numbness and shooting pain.  Hank came in.  "I think you have a gummed up nerve.  They may have nicked something last week. You lungs are good, your heart is good and no PE (blood clot) which we were worried about.  Go home."  Don't have to tell me twice.  I was up and leaving when Grant said, "Honey, your IV is still in."  The nurse came in and tells me that I need to relax, eat fruits and vegetables, walk around the block, and not be so hurried.  I didn't say much but when we got in the car Grant was like, "Who was that nurse?"  I said, "I don't know, but I want a burger from Family Drive In, you?"  That was a great burger.  Happy Saturday (from home!), Ang

As well as could be expected and

way better than I expected.  The ablation went well.  We will not know if it was completely successful or not until 3-6 months from now, but he hit where he wanted to and he got it as much as he had plan.  Wow...what a blessing.  I had a great weekend and I will tell you all about it later, but for now, I wanted you to know, that I am really fine....moving but tire pretty easily, so give me a day or two for details...thank you...love, Ang

The plan is set...

All of my docs decided that we going to do ablation surgery.  There was some discussion about if we should do such an invasive procedure but the final word was, "...she is healthy and we can do this now, so we will.."  Invasive?  Really?  I have had both of my lungs (at different times, of course) taken out, cut, stitched, cauterized, stapled, and then put back in.  Invasive is not impaling you with a 14 gauge needle to put in a very hot probe and burn something out.  That is like a walk in the park.  HOWEVER, I will say this ablation surgery will be more complicated than the previous and on the list of things that could happen are: burn a hole in my bronchial tube and/or burn my lung resulting in temporary pleurisy.  Both are either corrected by surgery or good ol' healing.  When I was asked if I had any questions, I said, "Is death on the side effects list?"  "Probably not, but...."  So, "no".  COOL, LET'S DO IT!  I check in Friday at 8am for a 10am procedure.  Karissa is going to take me, I spend the night in the hospital (hopefully not the slip and fall wing again - note to self - take ear plugs!), and Mom will take me home after a clean chest x-ray on Saturday morning.

And with the crisp nights, rain, and Canadian Thanksgiving quickly approaching, I am reminded that it is my anniversary.  Nineteen years and counting (again).  I mean that in a good way - I am actually looking forward despite my surgery, my stats, my diagnosis 6 and a half years ago.  So, bring it ablation...you got nothing on me.  Happy Canadian Thanksgiving!  Love, Ang

And then I cried.

Yesterday was, well, fun if love needles and pain.  I have learned to be pretty good with it, but wow.  So, at 9:00am we went to the CT Scanner and I was suppose to lay as close to how I lay during my PET/CT scan.  Easy.  Local pain killer was injected, but nothing else because your lung moves when you breath and you have to be able to hold your breath.  No happy drugs for this one!  This was harder than they thought and after 45 mins on in an out, calling for a 25 gauge needle (that is HUGE) and asking me if this hurts or is it just pressure, I was unable to breathe "normally".  It is really hard to breathe when a needle is going in and out of your lung.  Your body is trying to protect itself and you your brain is trying to allow it to happen.  We finally came to, "Angie, I have another opportunity.  I will have to start all over and it will hurt.  You will have to hold your breath as long as you can."  My reply, "Do it.  I am NOT getting off the table until we get it."  The tech came in, held my left hand and by the end was holding my forehead down to keep me still.  I was doing everything to not move (somewhat unsuccessful), tears were streaming down my face wetting my hair on either side.  And then they said it, "Fluids out.  You are a trooper."  They bandaged me up, told me test results would start coming in soon, but probably next week.  Grant took me home.  I didn't do much but sit on the couch and work on the upcoming fundraiser for school.  I emailed Hank and scheduled with him for next week - Friday.  His voice kept coming into my head, "Angie, if it is cancer on the right side and we know we have cancer in the left, we may have to consider chemo."  Systemic approach.  I slowly close my eyes and breathe.  Mason was still home but way on the mend.  The school open house was last night and we all went.  I hurt, but not enough to miss it.  Went to bed right when we got home.  This morning I dropped the kids at school, did a couple things, and have a meeting at 11 with the principle.  I got home, chatted with Karissa while prepping for my meeting - she got new kitties and they are so cute!, and then I hung up and went to my email.  Hank emailed - no subject.  I open it, "Cytology on the fluid is negative.  Good work.  hk"  No cancer on the right side.  And then I cried.  Happy Happy Happy Friday, Ang