No Chemo Yesterday

So, I got to chemo, got hooked up and everything and then my blood work came through.  Hank thought about giving it to me, but thought it would be better to wait.  My platelet CT was the lowest it had ever been and it just made him nervous to give me chemo, but not nervous to send me away and make me come next week.  I went home exhausted (mainly from the mental crap that you have to do to get there only to be sent home) and finished cleaning my carpets (fallout for Africa's last moments) when I noticed my port was leaking blood all over my shirt.  I tried to stop the bleeding, but it just kept pouring out like a stream with no evidence of stopping....MMMMM better call.......Nurse answers and says, "You were what? Cleaning carpets with what size machine?  Angie, do you know you are a cancer patient?"  They are really nice there....really.  Anyhoo, apparently you are not suppose to do anything heavy like for a little while after having your port accessed.  So, after laying down with direct pressure for 45 minutes, it stopped.  Hey, at least the carpet is clean and I got to enjoy an amazingly sunny 65 degree day!  We will try again next Monday.  Love, Ang

For every action there is an equal

reaction.  Is that how that goes?  Well, my mini vacation from chemo is over.  This round went very well.  I even kept up my walking Mason home from school a couple times.  A few things happened this round that were note worthy.  On the Friday after my chemo, I had a few easy errands - the bank for a deposit, drop off a library book, etc.  As I was doing this, I had a craving for a crab cocktail.  I know - WEIRD.  But it is salty pure meat, so my doc would be fine.  I went by B&E Meats in Des Moines.  I love that place.  I asked if they had crab cocktails to go and they said, no, but they had the meat, the cocktail sauce, and even lemons.  The meat was sealed in 1/2 pound bags.  I told him I needed like a 1/4 pound and he said, "I can open it up for you and just give you that."  Great.  Beautiful crab leg meat - yum.  So, I grab the cocktail sauce, a lemon, and he asked what I was up to today......this is what I said....no, I lied, "I am getting a crab cocktail for a friend of mine.  She has cancer and was craving it today."  Without missing a beat, he replied, "In that case, can I get her anything else to try?"  FRICK.  REALLY.  I am SUCH an ass.  "Oh, no, really.  I think she will be fine."  "No, no, let me put in a little candied smoked salmon (which I love), sweet beef jerky (which I love), and a few strips of bacon.  That way she can try them and see if anything sits well."  I reply with, "Well, let me pay for it."  "No. no."  "But..."  "Listen, I want to do this - please let me."  "Okay, gosh thank you.", said the giant ass (that would be me if you haven't gotten there yet).  I am a horrible person.  I went home and ate it all.  I guess it worked and I love B&E more.

The other thing that happened was one that I haven't talked about much......Africa, my cat.  After 16 years of loving me and taking care of all of us, I had to put her down this last Friday.  For the last three months, I have worked with her and the vet with steroids, glucosamine, observation, etc, after her stroke in December.  I was in the room when they did it and with only 1/10 of the medicine, she was gone.  It was time for her, but so very painful for me.  This will be my first round of chemo without her.  For me, I am sad.  For her, she is free.  However, there was a reaction.  Lisa Hanley, of Hanley Beadworks, made me the most adorable, sweet, cute, beautiful, cat charm.  It is perfect and will be with me this entire round.  Black with green eyes....just like my kitty.

A friend asked me this time, "I have to ask you.  This may be insensitive, but do you ever think about dying?"  Answer, "Everyday.  And I structure my life around it.  Every time I go back to treatment, I show Grant where everything is (I should write it down, but he would not be able to find that...), and I talk to him about stuff like, what I want for my service and how he is to get out of the way of the team that is to do it - yes, I have a team - yes, I am that organized.  Sometimes, I ask him thing like, "Do you think you will get married again and have more kids?"  And he responses in a very disturbed manner when it comes to kids, "No, I am not having more kids.  I am way too old for that."  "And marriage?  I would like to see you happy."  He responds to me with some thing like, "Ang, a guy like me can only fool the girl he wants once."  And from across the room he starts working with the kids on legos and I know that after 19 years of being with him and only him, that is the greatest compliment.

Other things that happened were normal life things - insurance debacles, refinancing irritation making me want to make a banner that I can string over my house "FINALLY FREE OF CITIBANK!!!!", parking tickets (Grant - really just park in a garage!), and kitty shelters that will not talk to me because I have a five year old - NICE.

Off to the shower - gotta go to chemo....Ang

Doing Well

Hello...well, dare I say that went well?!?!?!  Elaine (my driver) seems to think it was the best one I have ever done and made me promise to tell my Mom.  I was thinking, "Otey, I will taaa to rememba..."  I did.  I had a pretty good attitude about it.  Unfortunately/fortunately, I am kinda becoming a pro.  My biggest challenge is my nerves.  Anxiety over what might, will, will not, or maybe, happen is  bitch, but the picture of Mason skiing was very powerful for me.  I believe it carried me through.  Steroids are keeping me up at night which I have to work on, but I think I will be okay.  Also, thank you, I got all the messages, emails, post, etc.  They mean a lot.  I may not return them, but I get them and they make a difference.  Thank you.  Food has started up and the house is full of food.  The kids love it - pies and cookie galore!  I even went to my bookclub meeting last night and had a great time.  I was tired, but the traffic was light, it was a beautiful evening and Jill put my dinner for tonight in the car....what more could a girl ask for?  Forever grateful, Ang

Yesterday we went well...

It was nice to laugh and see everyone again. Only once did we have to stop, but it got better. I walked out on my own. I got home, slept on and off. Email we're coming in, messages on the phone...those will have to wait...but I did check my blog and a cancer survivor friend blogger whatever! blogged about me....I howled! Check it out!
http://stevechamberlin.blogspot.com/2012/03/for-our-favorite-pencil-sharpener.html

Life as the Pencil Sharpener and Skiing

In life there are the people who make art and the people that do not.  I do not.  I am the pencil sharpener.  I was sitting at the kitchen table today after breakfast and I asked Mason to bring the art basket to me.  I then get the pencil basket off the kitchen counter.  I proceeded to sharpen all the pencils, organize erasers, toss old or broken crayons, re balance quantities, etc.  I then went upstairs to email off the last of the tax reports for Heather and her accountant/bookkeeper.  Everything is getting done and tied up nicely.  I remember Marlene saying to me when I had first found out...."I am happy for you that you have this time to get ready and prepare.  That is good for you."  That is because I am the pencil sharpener.  Please don't misunderstand - I am perfectly fine with my role.  It started a long time ago.  I remember in my house growing up we had TONS, if not millions, of pencils and pens, but none of them worked.  I was always perplexed by this.  What I learned was my parents did stuff.  I organized stuff.  It was the same way at school.  I remember on several occasions my teachers telling me to draw a picture, not sort crayons from pencils and sharpen them all for everyone else.  I would then scribble something down and go back to organizing.  I would usually get the head tilt and, "You know Angie, you are quite talented when you apply yourself."  I remember thinking, "I am applying myself.  Do you see this mess?!?!"  I did it at Nordstrom Cafe and the Espresso Bar.  Tom called my the "Space (not outer) Engineer".  Now, I have made a work for myself organizing others.  Heather, my Mom, Shannan, my friends, etc.  Not such a bad thing to apply yourself at - life is messy!  Couple more phone calls and an oil change and I am good to go for Monday!  Now, for the Ski Trip.

Wow, what a great time.  It was so good to go and I am really impressed with my performance.  I haven't done cardio in like FOREVER and I was able to ski and move around pretty well.  There was one time an old guy got me up from a spill in the trees, but that has always happened!  The best part was seeing Mason ski.  OMG.  I had NO idea.  We have sent him to lessons for two years.  Five lesson each year on Friday night.  Grant takes him and goes to the lodge to finish up work and, of course, have his favorite beer on tap.  I couldn't go one year because of the temperature sensitivity in treatment and then this year I was home with Nolan.  The first day skiing he did his lesson in the morning and then skied with me in the afternoon.  We were by ourselves.  He was like, "Mom let's go in the trees and do jumps!"  I was thinking, "Yeah, where is the old guy to help me?!?!?!"  I stayed on the blue runs and Mason went in and out of the trees.  Here are some snipettes (sp) of me talking to him...."No Mason that is the park boundary stay closer to the run..."  "Mason, you are going to ski with your father tomorrow afternoon and, just so you know, Dad will FREAK OUT if you are in the trees that long so talk a lot or something."  "Mason great job!  I had no idea!"  "Keep your speed up so that we can make it to the lift.  Okay, well I am going to make it to the lift.  Meet you there, okay?"  (He is seven.)  "Mason, I am so proud of you."  When I was watching him, I almost started to cry.  I never have wanted to cancer to hold them back and, in this case, it didn't.  All I could think was, "Grant, we did it.  I am so proud of us."  Very close second was seeing Nolan ski.  Last time we were there, it was a nightmare.  My advice no matter what you think and how good you are have someone else teach your child to ski.  Nolan almost completed two levels in three days, so one more lesson in Eager Elephants and he can move up.  And why do you ask did he not complete Eager Elephants?  Well, that is because "he didn't turn enough and follow the line of children".  The teacher said "he needed to work on following directions and listening".  While I would normally agree (it is Nolan we are talking about), after listening to her, I was quite convinced he listened, he just didn't follow. Screw Eager Elephants - BRAVO NOLAN! And then finally, being with friends that I have known for about 20 years, seeing all there kids, pizza competitions - BRAVO Colin and Anne Marie, and just hanging out.  When I hugged them good-bye, I couldn't say much until Robin (Grant's Best Friend) told me to "have fun".  I called him a jackass which is normal and I needed a little normal.  The drive home was long (8 and a half hours).  Mason puked from being car sick.  Bought medicine in Rock Creek.  Ate is Osoyoos, crossed the boarder with Nolan grilling the board patrol on why he needs a passport.  I AM NOT KIDDING.  Stopped twice for gas, one snack, and checked the pass reports because I-90 was getting 6 -8 inches of snow and chains were required on all vehicles except all wheel drive.  We went Stevens.  I drove all the way because Grant's eye flipped out again and I was exhausted when we got home, but you know, I would do it all again - in a heartbeat.  Chemo is Monday - prayers welcome, Ang

The Five Phases of Whatever you got...

So, I have been motoring along.  Pantry full - check.  All whole pieces of frozen meat cooked and put into meals - check.  Easy meals - check.  When in doubt marinate a flank steak - check.  Ensure - check.  Cetaphil everything because I will lose the lining in my nose and won't be able to tolerate strong smells.  Do my six months Target and Old Navy run because I won't go anywhere but Fred Meyer every week, Costco every three months and Amazon Prime.  Order HuluPlus?  Maybe.  Maybe Netflix again?  Not sure.  I can surely make Grant go to Redbox - it is only $1.  Donations donated.  Metals recycled.  Library books returned.  Help calendar filling up.  Drivers scheduled.  This morning Grant had our appointment with our CPA.  He and his wife follow my blog and he opened with, "I don't want your to trip in your heels!"  Funny thing I was wearing them!  He was like, "Why do you need heels?"  I am 5'9" and, as one of my shorter friends mentioned to me in an email, those heels made me 7'2".  I don't think she is very good at math.  Taxes done.  Finishing up Heather's - meeting with her next Friday.  Messages received on email, voice mail, cards, etc. about how much grace I have, strength I have, and I appreciate them, but I must confess something......a long long time ago, I met a friend at work.  Now, I didn't know how much of a friend she was to me then (and is now), but I remember our first disagreement that was bigger than just a tiff.  I remember going into her office and saying, "Look, I am really really sorry.  You know that right?  Okay, so I take all the blame.  I was a butt so do you mind if we just skip over the whole phases things and get back to where we were cause I don't have time for all that."  BTW - that is the WRONG answer when you are dealing with a Master's Level Psychologist.  But, because she is a better person than I, she got quickly past the stage of closing her eyes and shaking her head and said, "Angela, nothing really works that way.  You do know that right?"  Nope, I didn't.  I didn't when I got cancer and she explained it to me again.  She made me get my "spot" which some of you probably remember and she drove to my house to make sure I did it.  Nope, still didn't get it but I knew better as to not do as I was told.  And then Wednesday of this week, I FINALLY got it.  I woke up and I was a mess.  I took anxiety meds.  Nothing.  I talked to my Mom.  A little better.  I went along with my day.  I vomited from nerves.  More anxiety meds.  I walked to school to get the kids thinking that would help.  By the time I got home, all I could do was get snack, change into my pjs and go to bed.  The kids were great.  They brought me the phone, brought me homework to review, said it was okay after I apologized, everything a nice person would do.  (Somebody is raisin' them right!) Mia (the little girl I take care of after school) got picked up, Grant was home, and I called Karissa.  Wow, I am buzz kill.  I sobbed to her that I didn't want to go.  She said, "I know, but you will cause you have to."  "I know."  She continued with, "I would do it for you, y'know.  I think a lot of people would."  "I wouldn't let you.  You have no idea."  "I know, but I would and so would tons of others.  It isn't fair and you have had enough."  We were like the frinkin' chipmunks, "After you."  "No, after you."  And I cried, and we talked, and I accepted the phase.  I then slept for 11 hours.  Thursday I was fine.  I hope that I am at least efficient at the phases.  Not an anxiety pill since.  Grandma's haircut.  Check.  Laundry?  Check.  Ordering Nolan's ski helmet.  Check.  Strength?  Grace?  I am afraid not.  Heck, I just accepted the phases!  Happy Friday, Ang

Ways to help....

Here it is...the post where I am humbled down to my core.  I have spent the last week cooking and loading up my freezer.  It is STUFFED and while I would like to believe that I can do this all myself, my experience is that I cannot.  My temperature sensitivity, adversity to food, and my fatigue will get the best of me.  I can't possibly deal with all of it and feed my family all the time.  I have also spent the last week, informing people, seeing if my trained volunteers have the time (and courage) to do what they have done before.  My parents will take the boys, my aunt will fill in, possibly a sleepover in the summer at Karissa's.  Elaine and Karissa will fearlessly drive me to treatment and de access.  These are not easy jobs.  My parents are their parents for four days every other week.  Elaine is my friend until I reach out and she holds my hand through the tough parts and Karissa always has a barf bag on hand on my worst days.  These are to jobs for the weary.  I have three teams of cleaners that rotate months.  They are all trained.  They know where everything is, and I realized when I am out of treatment they bring replacement items.  They all signed up again for this bad sitcom that just won't stop running.  I wish I could equate it to M*A*S*H - sad topic, brutally funny, pretty dysfunctional, and one of my favorite shows of all time.  I can't say the Angie Show is my favorite.  So, now, I humble myself again and ask for prepared meals during this time.  Again, while I would love to think that I could do it all - I can't.  My family has come to enjoy food and the visits as life very much slows down for us.  Thank you, in advance, for anything you can do.  


What I am looking for is:


Meals two times a week.  I find that my frig can handle that and between what is left of other meals, I can fill in the rest.  My freezer is for the off occasion that we need a meal or my family yearns for my food.  The days Mondays, Wednesday one week and Thursday Saturday on the next.  Many people who have Mondays deliver on Sunday.  I am flexible - I am getting free food for goodness sake!  If you would like to help with this, please contact Sarah Szczepanski at sarah_09@comcast.net or 253-520-0373.  (Yes, Laura and Sherry, you are already on the list!)

Meals for my freezer fund.  As my treatment period goes on, my freezer does deplete.  I usually fill it with Designed Dinners or something like that twice in a 9 month period (my average for chemo treatment).  Some people have also brought freezer meal for me also.  This is greatly appreciated.  If you would like to donate to that, please contact Sarah Szczepanski at sarah_09@comcast.net or 253-520-0373.


Occasionally, I need a driver or babysitter.  If you would like to be on that list, let me Sarah know (sarah_09@comcast.net or 253-520-0373) and I will call you directly.  I don't usually need this so it would be a vacation coverage or something like that.  I am a VERY VERY LUCKY GIRL.


Okay, that is it.  THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU.  No one truly knows how grateful I am until it  happens to them and I am NEVER want this to happen to them.


Love, Ang

Telling Mason and Nolan & My (re)start date

So, I broke to the kids that my scan showed that my cancer was back and that soon we would be going back to the cancer schedule where they go to Grandma and Grandpa house every other week.  Mason didn't say much, but Nolan cheered (no kidding - CHEERED) exclaiming, "YEAH!  Grandma give me WAY more treats than you do!  YEAH!"  This display was quickly followed by, "Do you need anything?  How do you feel?"  Apparently, he does know how to stay alive even if it is delayed.  I spoke to Mason later and he said, "I just really thought we would get past this cancer thing and I am excited to be with Grandma and Grandpa especially since they have the Kinect now, but I will miss you."  My sweet boy.

I met with Hank yesterday.  I decided to look good.  I wore my new outfit that Susie (Breast Cancer Survivor Friend) dressed me in from her daughter-in-laws online boutique (luxagogo.com) which included 4 inch heels.  I got my hair cut and done.  I looked good especially for a 42 year old with cancer.  I stopped by the treatment center and asked what days were better between Monday and Tuesdays.  Mondays it is.  Went down to the office.  Did my blood with a new nurse, while saying hi to all the other people by name.  She was like, "You are regular cause you look good?"  "I get that a lot.  And, yes, I am a regular again....you will see me plenty soon Suzanne with a "z"!"  Get into the office with a nurse that is helping out.  She asked, "Are you here just for a checkup?"  Explain again.  "Wow...okay."  Looks are my chart.  "What all have you done?"  "Lots of chemo, bilateral lung surgery, radiation to the pelvis and, my favorite,what every woman likes to say, trans anal tumor removal!"  I start laughing hysterically and she looked at me and said, "You're funny!"  Hank comes in and says, "You cut your hair."  I responded with, "I know you do not like my hair short, but I am going back into chemo and it needs to be easier...."  He stopped me, "I like it."  "Oh?  Okay!"  We chat about stuff...and then we get down to brass tacks.  "Is it in both lungs now?" (me)  "Yes." (him)  "Same chemo?" (me)  "Always worked before." (him)  "I want to be the first in office and the first up so that I get a bed." (me)  "Depends on the schedule, but sure." (him)  "I want to be medicated on the way in (happy drug) and first when I start (more happy drug)." (me) "Done." (him)  "I want to do Mondays." (me)  "Your call - fine." (him)  "I have to start on the 5th or the 19th - the 12th screws up too much stuff AND I have a trip to Toronto in June which would push treatment out to three weeks for one round."  (me)  "Sounds doable.  When do you want to start?"  PAUSE.  "Wha?" (me)  "When do you want to..."  (him)   "You will let me wait that long?"  I interrupt.  "Yes, these are small and if you have something important going on we can wait for the 19th." (him)  "I want to see my son ski.  I have never seen him ski and there is a ski trip with friends I don't see that often." (me)  "Good enough for me. The 19th then."  (him)  IN THAT MOMENT, I AM ON TOP OF THE WORLD.  We say goodbye and I start scheduling with Sharon at the desk.  I get everything I want - day, time, etc.  Everyone is taking down luxagogo.com's website site to go look at the fall sale and I am still on top of the world.  I go upstairs to Michael's desk and give him a copy of my schedule and then run across the street to Rite Aid for hand sanitizer for my impending journey.  I happily get there, get my stuff, leave and learn a VERY important lesson about heels.  One should NEVER, EVER change direction in four inch heels while going downstairs.  Yep, I fell down five steps.  BIG STEEP steps. As I was beginning to fall I said, "I will hurt myself more if I try to correct, so I just need to fall...."  Hand sanitizer in the street, me on the ground, an ACCESS bus stops to see if I am okay, and am laying on the ground laughing my ass off.  I wave the bus driver on, get my hand sanitizer off Madison Ave. and laugh all the way to my car.  Just when I thought I was cute...  Happy Wednesday, Ang

Today...

Today is the first day since my blissful trip to Kauai with the fam that I feel like I should be back to work...clean, cook, work for Heather, etc.  I don't think I got off Hawaii time until yesterday.  Hank, my oncologist,  let me go to Kauai, but said, "As soon as you get home, you need a PET Scan."  So, dutifully, I did on Wednesday.  So, back to Kauai for a second.  This was the best trip in terms of my health and my boys.  I was energized by them.  We spent all sorts of time together.  They are so smart and funny and happy.  At one point going to the car after swimming at Karissa's pool, I stopped them and said, "Hang on....look at me.....I need you to know that this moment, right now, is one of the best of my life."  Nolan looked at me in Nolan's way and said, "Why?" (translation - what the heck are you talking about.....we are walking AWAY from the pool, through a field to the car to go to dinner - I hate dinner!)  The sun was just about the set, the breeze was brushing the back of my neck.  It was the perfect temperature and the last night in Kauai.  I replied, "Because I am in my most favorite place on earth with my two of my most favorite people."  Mason smiled Mason's sweet smile and Nolan looked at me like, "Whatever.  Can we get out of the field?"  So, fast forward to today.  I am going to clean the house, getting ready to work with Heather, go to school because Mason is getting another award at an all school assembly today and our financial advisor is coming over tonight - MUST CLEAN HOUSE.  Then, the phone rings.  Hank.  "I am so sorry that I have to tell you this on the phone....."  My cancer is growing and now there are more new spots in my lungs.  Cyberknife is off the table.  Chemo.  "When do I start?" my voice shaking.  "Let's meet next week and schedule it out."  I have until Tuesday at 3:00pm to learn what my next months/year will be like.  So, today......I will cry.  I will feel sorry for myself.  I will rage at God.  HOWEVER, I will also clean my house, get ready for Heather, go to school to see Mason, meet with the financial planner.  Cancer don't get everything.  Ang

Things that make me fall to my knees....

Mason had a substitute teacher and he asked her how old she was.  She said, "Older than dirt."  Next day, she asked Mason if he told his Mom how old she was and he replied, "No because I don't know how old dirt is."

Mason wrote for his writing assignment, "I learned police use radar guns to make sure we do not speed otherwise it would (wood) be a ......"  and then he looks at me and asked how to spell "calamity".

Nolan is in the back of the truck and somehow he earned two lollipops.  He finished one and said, "Mummy!  Look back here.  See I am done!  I need my next one!" with his eyebrows up like, "HELLO!!!!"

The Vice Principle of Mason's school stopped me and said, "I have to tell you he is such a great kid.  Did you know that he read his MLK assignment in front of the entire school?  (617 students)  He did SUCH a great job!  We are so lucky to have him here."

"Your blood work looks better than it has in two years and I think your spleen is FINE."  Hank

"Everything feels great down here.  I think we did it but see me every three month JUST in case."  Colorectal Surgeon

That was just last week.

I fall to my knees each time (clearly not literally - that would be WEIRD)...I pray for seeing these things I never thought I would see, for hope that I might see them grow up, for a chance, and for the moment.

Happy Tuesday, Ang