We did lose one in the ice storm...

Mickey was cased in ice, then I lost him on my parent's drive way clearing what I have determined as too many trees (that is a story all on its own!) only to find him with one ear and then lose him again.  So, if anyone is going to Disneyland, let me know, I need a Mickey!  I have no idea why the photo is sideways!

State of Emergency??? COME ON!

According to our Governor, we are in a State of Emergency.  Yeah, it has been snowing.  There is freezing rain which it good for pictures and one our our trees has lost five major branches.  Yes, there is an ice storm, but my power is on (good part of living less than a mile from a jail) and besides being stuck in the house, really an emergency?  So, the airport is closed and the highways are a "treacherous".  Their word not mine.  Pierce County police responded to 232 car accidents in 16 hours.  Is it a State of Emergency or operator error??? This is nothing compared to my Dad hearing there is a small craft advisory on the Strait of Juan de Fuca and saying, "Hang on Angie.  We're going to go get a camp site!" or after Mt. St. Helen's blew and we were told to stay put and my Dad said, "Tie this hanker-chef around your mouth.  We 're outta here."  State of Emergency - my ass!  Speaking of that.....I called my doctor's office today saying, "Hey, do we have all the info from the throat guy to make some decisions today?"  Answer - no.  Do I have to come in?  I will - no big deal. I have a babysitter since every school in the world is closed, but if some JACKASS hits my car I have no budgeted line item for "JACKASS hitting my car and need a new one".  Apparently, I that is a REALLY good argument and I remain low on the "Going to Die" list, so another week away from there.  In addition, long stretches in the house with your children teach  you what your children listen to.....Nolan quote of the day, "Mommy, I don't have to take a bath.  (I was a little worried about loosing power and wanted to be clean if/when we did.)  Our power lines are underground."  I am thinking, you are FOUR - how do you know that?  So I say, "How do you know that?"  "You told me!  And we talked about transformers and power stations...." As he babbles on, I remember our conversation and think, how come he can't remember to put away his clothes, wash his hands, and eat his carrots?!?!?!?!  "And the power comes from where it is generated, by a Dam or something like that, through the lines, to a power station......"  R..E..A..L..L..Y?  COME ON!!! Happy Snow Day, Ang

There are just somethings I don't invite on myself

So, my oncologist's office calls LATE and says, "Whacha doin'?"  I said, "Finishing up Chicken Parmigiana.  Why ya callin'?"  "Well, we have to reschedule your Thursday appointment.  He is meeting with some big wig that is coming into town."  I said, "That is me, didn't you know that????"  Laugh.  Reschedule.  Go to the calendar and realize I just rescheduled my appointment with my oncologist (aka Dr. Death - and I do really like the guy!) on Friday the 13th.  Oh, HELL NO!  Call back and reschedule to the next Thursday.  Now, I am not very superstitious, but there are certain things I have learned not to do.  I don't fly, I don't go in underground parking garages, I try not to do elevators (I have gotten a fair amount of exercise on those days) and I DON'T GO TO MY ONCOLOGIST.  No need to INVITE disaster.  It has already showed up enough UNINVITED!  So, I will know what I am doing next week.  Happy Friday the 13th, Ang

Seeking the Perfect Christmas

This is a long post, so get your coffee or tea and get comfortable...  Two posts ago, I told you that I had to get a scope down my throat.  For many, that was a real shock because I hadn't talked about it too much.  Here is why..something came up in my last scan and when something comes up like that, I am then sent to a new place to get a closer look.  Because the procedure is that and it has happened with my liver and now my esophagus, I guess, I didn't make too much a deal of it until we KNEW if something was wrong.  I think the problem is, every six to 12 weeks, I get a scan that tells you every bloody thing that could be wrong with you.  Most people don't get these scans thank God because knowing EVERYTHING that COULD be wrong with you is not necessarily a blessing.  Please do not misunderstand, I am thankful for the technology, but I take the information cautiously at times.  This proved to serve me well, as the procedure was last week and it was absolutely fine.  I meet with the doctor to follow up next week.  So, let's get back to Christmas.  Right after, my Christmas Eve post, I looked up a couple of my cancer buddies.  One had an allergic reaction to her last chemo treatment which I knew about, but, I finally read her blog to get her perspective.  I felt helpless and I knew I couldn't have helped her with this because I never really have dealt with my allergic reaction that I had where I fainted and had to stay over night in the hospital.  Her post totally threw me back to all of those feelings....I remember that I said, "I am going to faint." and thinking....this is it....this is how I will die.  I then remember NOT seeing the "light" and hearing all sort of commotion around me....."Are her numbers always this low?" from a voice I did not recognize.  "NO!  It is upside down!" from my nurse.  "I need more room - here let me do this....move that chair!"  (I am crying as I am typing this.) I remember the oxygen being blown in my face and a nurse that I do know saying to me very calmly and sweetly, "Angie, you gotta wake up.  Just open your eyes.  Come on honey, wake up for us."  I took a deep breath realizing that it wasn't my last and thinking, "Oh, this is going to cause A LOT of paperwork..."  I opened my eyes and said, "I am sorry."  She smiled looking at me.  In a very loud commanding voice said, "She is apologizing...she is just fine."  She never broke her gaze.  Commotion stops.  Hank is there with, "You have my full attention and one phone call."  I said, "Call Grant and tell him not to come.  I will be fine."   That is all I am going to say...my therapist thinks that it is a good idea for me to talk about it sometimes and feel it a little.  Sit with it.  Apparently, it helps you deal with it.  It is the same technique that they you on solders when they come home from war.  Wow, that sucks.  So, I did learn that I should not read those things on Christmas Eve especially when you know another cancer buddy just found out his brain tumor is back and will need surgery soon (like today).  Despite it all, I charged on that night and may of had to much to drink, but get this, I didn't feel anything.  Grant even said, "You should be hammered.  I am driving."  He is very eloquent.  I went through the motions and the boys were getting really excited.  I don't think they knew.  My neck hurt and I was really kinda stressed out with it being a PERFECT Christmas.  I even did crafts with my kids in December.  What ridiculous complication is that during the holiday?!?!  I don't do crafts - like ever.  I HATE glitter, and glue.  But I did it like more than once and more than on one occasion.  What was I thinking?  Anyway, back to the story....so, we get home on Christmas Eve.  Boys in bed.  Cookies out.  Santa came just like he should, but if he was here, I really should have run into him.  I was up until 3am.  First, I don't sleep much on Christmas Eve.  Never have.  I love Christmas Eve.  Second, I was so keyed up, I couldn't sleep and my stomach hurt, my neck hurt, I think I pulled a muscle in my leg....I was a mess.  Then about 1:30 after going to the bathroom, I saw something in my underwear.  Blood.  Convinced that my cancer had come back.  I was like, but no, it is (now, if you are all scared and wimpy, just STOP reading....seriously...STOP) too high to be 'there".  I haven't had a period in YEARS - chemo took care of that.  What the hell?!?!?  Check again...doing I call the doc?  No, it is Christmas Eve....he is Jewish.  Check again.  Wrong color for cancer.  (You didn't STOP did you? STOP!)  Wrong color for a lot of things.  Wow, I drank too much... definitely not calling  the doctor would sound RIDICULOUS.  Everybody already knows I have rectal cancer.....no surprise there!  Why is it there in my underwear?  Change underwear.  Pace more.  Neck hurts more, muscle tense, try and go to sleep - really?  Clearly too much to drink if I thought I can actually go to sleep.  Check again - more blood.  Same position.  (Now it gets funny, but still over the line of socially acceptable, so if you still reading, you may continue on...)  So, I look in the mirror of the vanity at my butt.  (There is a visual you will NEVER forget.)  Remember I am on a lot of blood thinners.  I somehow  did something to the middle of my right butt check and it was bleeding A LOT.  Exhale.  It is not my cancer. Run to the toilet.  Puke so hard and violently it comes out my nose.  Clean up.  Exhausted.  Fall into bed.  Sleep.......HARD.  7am  "Mommy Mommy I wasn't naughty!  Santa came!  Santa came!  Get up!  Daddy!!  Santa came....get up!!!!!!'  Neck pain gone, muscle pain gone, stomach fine.....just tired.  I smile....I got my perfect Christmas after all......  Love, Ang

Christmas!

I can't say that I have anything to say but..............Merry Christmas!!!!  May you and your have the greatest and peaceful of Christmases!!!!  Love, Angie, Grant, Mason and Nolan

Someone asked me the other day

how many Christmases since Nolan has been born have your been off treatment.  Well, this is his forth Christmas and this is the second Christmas I have been out of treatment since he was born.  So, 50% of the Christmases that he has been alive, I have been sick.  Pretty bad odds for a little one, but when I look at the Christmas album, we sure did a lot and they sure seemed happy....  So, here is an update.  I saw the esophagus doc and after interviewing and examining me he said, "Well, since you probably want to focus on the holidays the next few weeks and I think the odds of this being a problem (translation...the veins in my lower esophagus bursting and me bleeding out due to the high amount of blood thinners I am on) is pretty minimal, why don't we wait until after Christmas?"  ENOUGH SAID.  BUT, I had to get "permission" from Hank.  Hank said, "If he said so, I think you can wait, MERRY CHRISTMAS!"  I returned the email in seconds with, "Happy Hanukkah!" Like SEE YA!!!  Poor oncologists...they really get the shaft cause I ain't going to the building for nothin' until my appointment to get a scope down my throat which is scheduled on December 29th.  So, truly, I have been enjoying the holiday season.  There was a little snafu with a possible refinance, but that is over.  We didn't do it because get this.....we can't get a better rate than we have because.....now wait for it.....this is FRICKIN' classic......we don't owe enough money.  We can't get a loan to redo our bathrooms because of the "current state of the banking industry".  So, 16 years ago, when Grant and I had NO ASSETS, NO LIFE INSURANCE, etc. they qualified us for a bazillion dollars for a home loan.  Of course, that was Washington Mutual who now is out of business and the largest banking failure in the 21st century, but nevermind.  Now that we have back up and a good chance I am going to kick it and leave a bunch of money to Grant, they don't want anything to do with us.  GOTTA LOVE IT.  So, no bathrooms, no refinance, and WHATEVER.  I have bigger problems!  So, besides that, life has been great and almost too busy.  I think my eyes were bigger than my energy.  For example, last weekend, I had us fully booked with holiday fun and by Sunday at 1, I was done for.  Like in my PJs at 1pm, done for.  So, if I don't show up for something, forgive me, I am not used to this being healthy thing.  Oh, I should tell you two things....one, when I was meeting with the esophagus guy, he was like, "Your counts are low (meaning blood).  They should have bounced back by now.  Do you feel tired?"  I was like, "Oh, look at my crit (sp)."  He replies, "Yeah, that is good.  That is why you don't feel tired, but..."  Quickly, I interject, 'Yeah, but my crit is good!"  Funny part....I don't even know what a 'crit' is!!!!!!!  WHEW, dodged that one.  Seriously, you can't say do this after Christmas and then start talking about something else that could screw up my holiday.  Nope...don't gonna happen!  Serpentine, serpentine, serpentine!  Also, funny Nolan story, so I am walking to school with Nolan to pick up Mason and Mia and he is going on about how he is saving his money for a pirate ship, cannon, and gun.  He said, "Mommy, I can't quite afford the cannon, so I think I will just get the ship and gun."  I thought about it and said, "Well Nolan, Mommy and Daddy don't have a gun and we haven't really needed one.  Plus, used pirate ships come usually fully equipped with cannons.  And if you have cannons you can probably get the bad guys, so that they don't get on the ship and then you don't need a gun."  "Really Mommy?"  "I think so, but I have never been a pirate."  "Good idea Mommy!"  Long pause.  "Mommy, when I am done being a pirate at the end of the day (Nolan thinks pirates have shift work and that it is like 8-5 and then you go home to your family - I know - hilarious and I can't tell him different!), I am going to come home to you.  Carter (his best friend) will live next door with his family.  But I will come home."  "Okay, Nolan."  "See, Mommy, pirate ladies are not very pretty and you are, so I am coming home to you."  Sweet moment, but don't get comfortable with it - this is NOLAN we are talking about.  Short Pause.  "Well, thank you Nolan.  That was nic..."  Nolan interrupts, "But not when you are yelling.  You are VERY ugly when you are yelling."  Yep, there it is.....another "teachable moment" I get do deal with.  Exhale.  "So, Nolan, have we not talked about why Mommy yells?"  No lie.....you can hear Nolan roll his eyes and say, "Yes MUMMMY!"  And, we continue off to school......  Happy Wednesday, Ang

I am fine...really!

Hey, I am starting to get the "haven't seen anything on the blog for a while", phone hang ups as not to bother me, and call waiting going but no message.  I know I haven't gotten back to people and for that I am sorry.  I am doing great.  I see the liver guy on Friday for my first appointment and then we will probably scope sometime after that.  It is too soon to know if anything is a problem, so I am just rolling with that.  Things are busy and I am on the phone a lot (why I don't click over many times) with long distance mortgage lenders (yes, we might be refinancing, but it is a long shot), insurance, etc.  I am fine....I am actually lovin' life and having fun getting ready for Mason's birthday and Christmas!!!  Thank you for all the love, Ang

Scan this morning; results already?

GREAT NEWS - No growth anywhere.  So, my little three spots remain three little spots and I have just bought some more time to get to cyberknife with software which they should be done installing by now and starting to test!  This also means that I have the holidays.....OMG, that feels so good.....there is something that Hank wants to physically see me about.  Something about my liver, but that is not new...I can't remember what he said cause I was basking in the holidays without chemo.  I made an appointment for Tuesday of next week to go over whatever he said.....I have the holidays........YIPPEE!!  So, I can trash my backup schedule of doing chemo and which weeks would "work"...I don't even know how much time he is giving me until my next scan....and frankly I don't care - I HAVE THE HOLIDAYS!!!!!!  More next week - love, Ang

Sometimes, I am completely astonished....

Right now, it is because of the weather.  Yeah, it is cold, but it is BEAUTIFUL and since I don't have a cold sensitivity because of chemo, I am lovin' it.  The colors are amazing and I am so...happy, like real genuine happy.  Another is who I hear from on my blog.  Wow, never thought I would see, talk, type to, any of those people again, but it is nice to see their names on my blog.  The last is my family and friends .  I had no idea what cool people I know and now that I can track and remember things better is it really sinking in.  Not just what they do for me, but how they think and what they believe.  I think I finally became a cool kid.  And, if I am not, I sure as hell think I am!!!!!  :)  Have a great week!  Love, Ang

So, my status has not changed from the last

but I have been to NYC since then!  So, much seemed to have happened since the 17th of October.  Nolan somehow understands that he was frozen (as an embryo) because he said to me the other day in the truck, "Mommy, remember when I was laughing at you when YOU were in kindergarten?"  I replied in a blahsay (sp) way, "Nolan, you were not alive then.."  "Yes, I was!  I was in the freezer!"  Crap, I really shouldn't have read my pregnancy journal to him QUITE yet.  Soccer season is over and Grant successfully coached two teams - WHEW!  Nolan has turned into quite the soccer player.  See attached video.  He is actually stomping on a grasshopper during a corner kick.  Yes, that is him scoring also.  :)  Mason is turning 13, I mean 7 soon, and REFUSES to let me touch him at school, but I force him to acknowledge me.  Since when has my parenting technique equaled "dude"????  And then when I think my scan is on the 17th of this month and I either continue like this until they are ready for me in cyberknife, or I do chemo light until cyberknife, or I end up going back into chemo, I really do just push it from my mind.  I still have one trip to go and lots of minutes NOT to worry about it.  Funny thing keeps coming back to me from when I was on my trip with Grant for our anniversary.  We do "High Point, Low Point" of the previous year.  I know what my Low Point was.  It was when I planned my funeral in detail and appointed a group of three people to execute my plan.  What got me in this was the unbelievable number of High Points I had in spite of my "condition."  How can life to so happy and so sad?  I guess it has a funny way of showing you that, sometimes, the path is hard but the nuggets you get along the way are precious.  Happy Wednesday, Ang