February 3rd, 2016

Today I woke up at 6:20 with Mason.  Mason had DRUM which means he has to go to school early to practice with the DRUM group.  It stands for "Discipline, Respect, and Unity through Music".    Mason forgot his Tromprone for Band.  I told him Nolan could bring it.  I needed coffee.  I went back home, made coffee, got in the shower, told Nolan about the Tromprone and then took Nolan to school WITH the Trompone and started out on my day.  1. Bible study where I learned that I am a hopeless case and will have survivor guilt FOREVER.  2.  Leave Bible Study early to put my Mom's butt in the car to go to Kirkland to get samples and advice on the backsplash because, from what I can detect, everyone is FREAKING out about it. and 3. Throw my Mom out of the car even though she made me lunch and go to Student Leadership of which I am in charge of and make something out of it.  I actually had lunch with her in my house, not like that is a treat right now....but I am not that horrible.

In this Bible Study, I am to learn how to make space for the Sabbath.  I know technically how to do that, but I am stumped on why.  When I search why, I realize, I can never make space because space was made for me when I was sick.  I can never pay them back for the help they gave me.  NEVER.  I needed it so much and they gave it so willingly.  I took for 6 to 7 years.  How does anyone pay that back?  There are things I want to do, but do not feel worthy.  I actually feel that I should continurally serve everyone and everything because I am, well, alive.  So, the question is, do I break from the guilt and follow my passion?  I have never really had one.  My parents were overinvolved and chose everything I did.  I chose one elective in High School - photography.  The teacher was a whack job, but she said to me one day, "Angie, you are talented in this.  I think I should fail you so that you could do another year."  My GPA was too good for that to happen, but I LOVED the dark room and processing.  Things that are never done now.  I do not blame my folks.  They believed they were doing well by me.  I am VERY good at business, and I get it, but it was truly never my passion.  Pictures - history - timelines - stories.....those are my passion.  My Dad was an amazing story teller, my mom a great writer - I am them (after college and learning how to write!), but I never exhibitied because, well, it didn't pay the bills.

What do I want?  Well, that is a secret.  Only one that I have.  I am too afraid to tell it and I am sure I am not capable of doing it.  I am not strong enough.  My body may not be able to handle it.  I do not want to do the work that it takes (or so I think, but I do not know because I have never thought I should benefit from my disease).  I want ot share my story.  I want to tell me my journey because literally even now, I am like, "Really, that happened to me?!?!?!  THAT SUCKED!"  And I have told my story - free for anyone that wants to read it, but it doesn't seem like enough. 

My boys come home and I ask Mason to help Nolan with his homework and I get, "MASON IS RUINING MY DAY!  THIS IS TORTURE!!!!"  Pause.  I go into the dining room and say, "Has anyone beaten you today?  Burned you with cigarettes?  Or sold you into the sex trade?"  "MOM!"  "Well, Nolan, THAT is a bad day.  Your day is exactly as it would be if I was checking your homework and it is JUST FINE!"  I know that it is harsh, but it is real.  I let my kids play by the river, I let them walk home by themselves.  I am cautious, but realistic because I bore these kids in this world. 

I guess what I am saying is - life is unpredictable and I want everything for my kids with nothing bad to happen to them.  That is not possible.  Life is short and death is sure - Downton Abby.

I think I need to call a shrink, oh well, it is not the first time!!!!

Happy Thursday, Ang