Friday, March 9, 2012

The Five Phases of Whatever you got...

So, I have been motoring along.  Pantry full - check.  All whole pieces of frozen meat cooked and put into meals - check.  Easy meals - check.  When in doubt marinate a flank steak - check.  Ensure - check.  Cetaphil everything because I will lose the lining in my nose and won't be able to tolerate strong smells.  Do my six months Target and Old Navy run because I won't go anywhere but Fred Meyer every week, Costco every three months and Amazon Prime.  Order HuluPlus?  Maybe.  Maybe Netflix again?  Not sure.  I can surely make Grant go to Redbox - it is only $1.  Donations donated.  Metals recycled.  Library books returned.  Help calendar filling up.  Drivers scheduled.  This morning Grant had our appointment with our CPA.  He and his wife follow my blog and he opened with, "I don't want your to trip in your heels!"  Funny thing I was wearing them!  He was like, "Why do you need heels?"  I am 5'9" and, as one of my shorter friends mentioned to me in an email, those heels made me 7'2".  I don't think she is very good at math.  Taxes done.  Finishing up Heather's - meeting with her next Friday.  Messages received on email, voice mail, cards, etc. about how much grace I have, strength I have, and I appreciate them, but I must confess something......a long long time ago, I met a friend at work.  Now, I didn't know how much of a friend she was to me then (and is now), but I remember our first disagreement that was bigger than just a tiff.  I remember going into her office and saying, "Look, I am really really sorry.  You know that right?  Okay, so I take all the blame.  I was a butt so do you mind if we just skip over the whole phases things and get back to where we were cause I don't have time for all that."  BTW - that is the WRONG answer when you are dealing with a Master's Level Psychologist.  But, because she is a better person than I, she got quickly past the stage of closing her eyes and shaking her head and said, "Angela, nothing really works that way.  You do know that right?"  Nope, I didn't.  I didn't when I got cancer and she explained it to me again.  She made me get my "spot" which some of you probably remember and she drove to my house to make sure I did it.  Nope, still didn't get it but I knew better as to not do as I was told.  And then Wednesday of this week, I FINALLY got it.  I woke up and I was a mess.  I took anxiety meds.  Nothing.  I talked to my Mom.  A little better.  I went along with my day.  I vomited from nerves.  More anxiety meds.  I walked to school to get the kids thinking that would help.  By the time I got home, all I could do was get snack, change into my pjs and go to bed.  The kids were great.  They brought me the phone, brought me homework to review, said it was okay after I apologized, everything a nice person would do.  (Somebody is raisin' them right!) Mia (the little girl I take care of after school) got picked up, Grant was home, and I called Karissa.  Wow, I am buzz kill.  I sobbed to her that I didn't want to go.  She said, "I know, but you will cause you have to."  "I know."  She continued with, "I would do it for you, y'know.  I think a lot of people would."  "I wouldn't let you.  You have no idea."  "I know, but I would and so would tons of others.  It isn't fair and you have had enough."  We were like the frinkin' chipmunks, "After you."  "No, after you."  And I cried, and we talked, and I accepted the phase.  I then slept for 11 hours.  Thursday I was fine.  I hope that I am at least efficient at the phases.  Not an anxiety pill since.  Grandma's haircut.  Check.  Laundry?  Check.  Ordering Nolan's ski helmet.  Check.  Strength?  Grace?  I am afraid not.  Heck, I just accepted the phases!  Happy Friday, Ang


Anonymous said...

I don't know if you are familiar with the art of James Christensen, but he has a painting entitled Balancing Act that your post reminded me of.
You are doing an amazing job of hanging in there! Just don't forget to breathe, smile, laugh, and cry as needed ... even at its worst, every day still has its good moment and or moments. Focus on those and you'll make it through. You have a lot of people rooting for you. Yeah, ANG!!!!
xoxox Carla

Anonymous said...

And accepting the phases takes an incredible ammount of grace.

Anonymous said...

Hang in there !!
We are all pulling for you !!
The prayer chain at my chuch is also on your side .
Be strong my friend !!
( thannks for getting Grandmas hircut she REALLY needed it )

Peggy Smith