My Big 5 Kid

People keep asking me, "Is it easier to go to chemo now that you know you only have three more." Answer - yes and no. Yes, having a number and date FINALLY is amazing, but no when it comes to things like the following....On Wednesday, I was scheduled to unhook from my friendly pump. I literally was green, my pee was red, and I didn't know if I was sick or tired. Mom stops by after dropping the kids and says with a sigh, "I don't know if I should tell you this, but Mason is getting an award today at 2:00." worried that I was going to feel bad for not being there. I said, "For what?" She replied, "For being, like, I don't know, a good citizen." "The Big 5?" I respond. Mom, looking a little shifty, says, "I guess." And then I got quiet. It is 8:50am. My pump will be done around noon, then I have to get unhooked, get fluids which takes 2 hours plus waiting time......I will never make it. Mom looks at me and says, "I can have Dad (my Dad) be there." I reply with, "Mom, I am just sad. He has wanted this for months. Last fall when the first "Big 5 Red Hawk Award" came out he told me about it and only one kid per class per trimester get it. We have a magnet on the fridge that has all the "Big Five" things - 1. Keep our school a safe place 2. Make responsible choices 3. Obey all reasonable requests 4. Respect yourself and other and 5. Use good manners. I am just sad." Now, keep in mind, when you are a Mom and don't know if you are going to see your kids grow up, you do things like, scrapbook like crazy, and you have goals like, "If I can just make it to Kindergarten, then his personality and how he treats people is set (things I learned while working at Childhaven) and he will be okay - no matter what happens." So, Mom in Mom's way, said, "Okay then, Dad will go!" I surrender to that and eat my breakfast that she made me. Karissa calls later and I tell her what is going on. Man, she is like balls to the walls, "Well, if we don't do fluids, we can get up there in back in time, I will drive you, stay for the ceremony, and you will be there." "What about the kids?" "Quinn likes being in charge of his sisters after school - they will be fine." Thank God he is old enough now. "Okay, I guess, let's see how it goes." I reply weakly. She arrives, I pump empty alarm goes off, we get there, and the waiting room is PACKED. I say, "Debbie, I need to not do fluids today, and I need to get out of here ASAP." She looks at me and says, "I don't think you have an option." So, I tell her about the award ceremony, Karissa goes to Rite Aid for Gatorade, and Debbie says, "Let's see what we can do." The charge nurse come out and says, "Sounds like you have an important appointment. We will advise your doc that you are drinking what appears to be a lot of Gatorade and if you need to you can come in tomorrow for fluids." I want to cry with gratitude, but I hold it together and I am out of there is 20 mins. I look like CRAP - I am serious - GREEN, PALE, NO MAKEUP, BASEBALL CAP, CLEAN BUT THREE DAY OLD CLOTHES and I show up to the school. Dad and Nolan are there. We sit together and the kids start filing in. Mason sees me immediately. He doesn't know he is getting an award, but he also knows that I am usually in hiding until I look and feel better. He knows something is up. Then, the awards are announced. "...and for a student who acts in a kind, caring, careful and cooperative way....Mason Hainsworth." I hold Karissa's hand and lean on my Dad and then....there it is my moment......Mason turns around and looks directly at me and smiles. So proud. Goal achieved for all of us. I made it - to the assembly, to kindergarten, and to this - a kind and caring kid. Now, if I wanted to leave you with a nice story, I would stop there, but in reality, I should tell you the rest. So, the next night the boys come home from Grandma's and Grandpa's and Mason is showing Daddy his award. I take it from him when he is done to put it in my office so that it doesn't get destroyed like my boys do to things and as I am going up the stairs, Mason says, "What does cooperative mean?" I cross my eyes and tell him and say, "Do you know what 'kind, caring and careful' are????" "Yes MOTHER!!!!" Just then, Nolan passes me on the stairs pushing me out of the way, and proclaims, "I am cooberadive!!!!!" I don't respond, but my eyebrow goes up because I can't ignore that. Not in my nature. I guess I still have some work to do........Love, Ang