Saturday, May 7, 2011

It used to be when I didn't post things were fine.

Well, not really this time. I have gotten a lot of news and not so much of it was what I wanted to hear. First, I finally talked to my surgeon and he told me that he was able to take 99% of the tumor, but he had to leave he rest because he would have punctured the vagina wall. Now, he is optimistic that, with continued chemotherapy, the 1% may be taken care of, so we need to just see how it goes. If it does not, there will be no choice but a full and permanent colostomy with no possibility for reconstruction. So, while I am spinning on the continued chemotherapy and on the permanent colostomy, I am thinking how much longer do you expect me to do chemo? I asked my oncologist, "Will I ever be in remission again?" and I know he wanted to say yes, but I actually saw him catch himself and said, "It is my most sincerest wish." After all the times we thought I would be done, I am not. SPIN. During this last week when I was feeling particularly awful, I couldn't see my benefit to society. I know....just stay with me.... I know I contribute a fair amount to Swedish hospital, but I am a "crap or get off the pot" sort of gal and translated to this situation (I know - translated??? Hilarious, eh?) it is "die or get better already!" If I die, the life insurance pays off, the house and all our debt would be gone. Grant would have money for college for the boys and my job, in a way, would be done. More importantly, Grant, the boys, my family, and my friends would be free of this. The down side - I don't get to see my boys grow up which really sometimes is the only thing that gets me up. No more sunrises, no more moments, no more smelling behind their ears. And then slowly, I start to feel better. Slowly, I remember everything to be thankful for. Slowly, I remember that I want to be here. Slowly, I remember, that am I am on the right track. Slowly, I remember, that I could be in remission again - just a little longer. So, here is to lookin' for that rope that says, "CALL Psychiatrist!" The call will go in early next week. I will be okay...I always am. This is the mind game of cancer. Loves, Ang


auntie jane said...

Strength, Hope, Courage, Love...You've always shared these so freely.
I wish an overabundance of these back to you.

!!Happy Mother's Day!!

Anonymous said...

You must be feeling as if you are walking in a trench and there is no way out. You are alive as long as you are breathing. You are alive as long as you appreciate each moment. You are alive when you can reach out and touch your children's faces. You are alive when Grant comforts you in your moment of feeling down. You are ALIVE NOW. Remember the "what if" road takes many twists and turns. You are not on the that road. You are here. You are loved whether you are sick or in remission. You are important. You matter. And you are making this world more beautiful by just being. So as hard as it is and seems, don't take your eyes off your goals and being in the moment. That is all what any of us have. I love you as do many many others. Pam

Heidi said...

You give me perspective, you give me hope. I think of you constantly and ask for your angels to work some overtime already.

Anonymous said...

The world will always be a better place with you in it. It is that simple. Thank you for sharing your "work" with all of us. You remain a role model in sickness and in health.

I want to share something with you. While at CSL yesterday (and happy mommy's day to you btw) Kathianne talked about the importance of Polarity. She said everything is a polarity. But we often get stuck at one end or the other and forget the "pole" in between which is the connecting of the opposites.

This made me think about the importance of balance. I wrote the following in the journal I keep. It reminds me so much of what you wrote.

What is balance? It is the embracing of all aspects of self. The light/The dark. The joy/the fear. The calm/The anxiety. And so on...

Our human"ness" has us often leaning toward the baser aspects of self. Spirit is our connection to our higher "Self" and brings us balance.

Don't deny the aspects of self that you think are "bad." You always have access to your "good." The two ends of the pole work together to create polarity and therefore balance.

You have all of us to keep pulling you back from the brink - our energy our love for whenever you feel off balance. Just as you cast out your line into the deep, dark waters we are here to reel you back in.


Karen said...

Sniff the back of those boys ears for me. I miss that and it is definitely one of those things worth sticking around for. So, in case no one else says it: Yes! Call the psychiatrist!

We love you.

leslie kendall said...'s martini time.....I am much easier to book than the up for it this week? Love you -

Anonymous said...

Animo Angie, animo!! Yo se que tu puedes y se que cada día lucharas por estar bien.
Eres una mujer luchadora y fuerte y tienes mucha gente que te ama que te esta apoyando y le gustaria estar a tu lado para que tu no pases esto sola.
Te quiero mucho amiga y siempre te recuerdo.