Off and then back on

I haven't blogged in a while mainly because I don't know how to get all that I am feeling onto the page without it being a multi page rant, but I must get my words down, so here goes...... December started out great - Disneyland and great memories. Yes, the puking, but, all in all, a huge success. We got the Santa visit in, got the pictures, checked off our list, etc. Then, as you may remember, I got the flu. Chemo was rescheduled and another week was gone. I was a little miffed, but what am I going to do. My parents were great. They took the kids both times to let me get well and outside the new addition to iron with my chemo, I did well. Here is what didn't go so well. First, why am I so lucky to always have chemo when we have cold snowy winters???? Luck or bad timing? I don't know. I haven't felt my fingertips in weeks and the bottom of my feet are in and out depending on massage, essential oil usage, etc. The iron that was added to my IV this time has helped out a great deal with my tunnel vision, almost blacking out when I stand up, etc. with the one minor draw back. For 36 hours after treatment, I believe that I am actually chewing on an iron pipe - YUMMY. And then, I got a taste of freedom. This was the worst thing. There were a few days between the flu and chemo that I felt, well, normal. I even had a martini - regular strength. Grant and I were working well together, things were busy, but I was on my game. Then chemo with iron and Grant and my bad twins came out (we are both Geminis). Grant was tired and taxed. This is the bad side of winning his huge contract - yep they won the one I mentioned in AUGUST. We are very thankful, but we are also VERY busy. It wasn't supposed to be this way. My cancer wasn't going to come back, but it did, and we were aware of this and then we got to Christmas and HOLY COW. Grant took me to unhook and snapped at me a couple times. I came home and cried and said, "Remember dude, I am on steroids and chemo, and I just lost my freedom AGAIN. " Poor guy - really not much winning that argument. He felt bad, but things didn't get better until Saturday afternoon. I left for the play with my Mom (I was suppose to go on a good week, but we all know how that went). I left with the boys in bed after screaming my head off at them. It was a beautiful Mommy moment. It was good for me to go. Grant got himself together with the kids, I relaxed and enjoyed "A Christmas Story The Musical" which was about a family with two little boys and all the excitement around Christmas. Guess who felt like crap, yet thankful, tired, yet hopeful, and defeated yet determined to make this a good Christmas? Yeah, that would be me. I came home and Grant wanted to do a little shopping, so it was me and the boys that night. It could have been horrible, but THEY WERE GREAT. I WAS GREAT. GRANT WAS GREAT. We were back - thank God. I put the boys to bed and Nolan threw his arms around me and just hugged me. There is nothing like a three year old's arm around your neck when it is just for the joy of it and he is not choking you. Mason's special prayer was that he was glad we were all alive and that we had Christmas this year. I was a little puzzled by the "having Christmas this year" - didn't we have it last year? Oh well, he also has "America's Freedom", Christmas, and Santa ALL MIXED TOGETHER. Patriotic little thing he is. Grant came home after they were asleep and I was collapsed in bed. I was still having trouble tasting anything but I knew I needed to drink more fluids. So, get this, I asked him to get me a Lemonade Capri Sun. I know, but it had been going down okay this round. Each round of chemo I have different things that I can/want to eat/drink, I search through the pantry every time to see what will "work" this time - it is kinda funny actually....anyway, I digress.... Grant gets the Lemonade and brings it up to me. With it, he has a glass of wine for him. I was looking at him like, wine in the bedroom? I was thinking he was just going to give me the Lemonade and go downstairs to watch TV, but he doesn't. He sets the wine down and gets on the bed getting comfortable. I drink my lemonade and he starts talking to me about, you know, anything......everything. I am just looking at him. I am exhausted, but I realize........he still LIKES me. I am not sure if I like me, but he is just wanting to be with me......after everything - 42 treatments of chemo, two lung surgeries, six weeks of radiation (which change our lives for two plus years)......I finally asked, "Grant, I know you love me, but do you really still like me?" He looked at me annoyed because this question was not in context of the conversation and he doesn't like that and says, "Yeah, of course I do." (under is breath I am sure he said something like, "Weirdo.") He still likes me. Sixteen years of marriage, seven years of infertility, three and a half years of chemo, one business, two kids, one house, two cars, family, multiple jobs, friends, bills, health insurance, births, deaths, toys everywhere, Santa hysteria, and he still likes me. Victory. Here is to the week before Christmas - loves, Ang