Saturday, December 12, 2009

Coming out of the fog....

Tuesday was exhausting and Wednesday was like I was coming out of a fog. I was happy, relieved, clear headed, and then realized, "OMG! It is CHRISTMAS! I better get on the ball!!!" My Mom was a yo-yo helping me out all week. I wasn't organized. I was distracted. I was then panicked. Seriously, cheers to her for being such a trooper - I would have written me off - seriously. In all my I was doing all those Christmas mind kept going .........."Why did those four (five if you count the previous shooting earlier this fall) police officers have to die?"........."Why did _______ (cancer patient) die? He wasn't much worse of than me, was he?"........."Why didn't chemo work on Bob like it did me?" Welcome to SURVIVOR GUILT. When you finally realize that the entire world doesn't revolve around you and why on the war with cancer, life, etc, you are left standing and your friend, your acquaintance, or even just a stranger, is not anymore. I think I finally get what my friend who wanted to switch places with me was feeling. And, I am embarrassed to say that I haven't really felt this yet which tells me I am either hyper focused on survival, or shallow. I am hoping for the first. Don't worry - I am enjoying the season, but it has a little bit of a bittersweet taste to it. As I am dancing to, "Santa got a Semi" and "See Santa to the Mambo" with my boys and my aunt in the living room, I am reframing every moment, every thought, every smell, and every memory.......maybe for me, but definitely for if they could feel it through me. It definitely puts a different spin on Christmas. Cheers, Ang


auntie jane said...

What is the name of that song? "I Hope You'll Dance"? Corny maybe, but after sitting and staring at the computer screen for half an hour...that's all I can think of..."Angie's dancing. She's dancing. Her head is full of questions. Her heart is a little heavy, but she's dancing". You're dancing...isn't that it all we can do, dance while our tune is playing? Thanks for showing us how. Jane

Anonymous said...

I wish I had some deep phylisophical reason why some people make it and some don't. I don't understand either. I guess we never will until we are sitting in heaven and the Lord tells us why.
Friday we got news that our beloved secretary at my kids school has liver cancer. She has a daughter the same age as my son. Today she was greeting everyone and was so cheerful. I got in my car and sobbed. Why her??? It should be me, but then I don't want it to be me.
Yesterday we found out that my mom's friend who was diagnosed the same time as her (2 years ago) with ovarian cancer, died. I went and just hugged my mom, sobbed, and was thankful that she had survived!!!
I'm just sharing this because you just need to Dance Ang!!! Soak it in, love your kids!!! Love your husband. You survived and we are sooooo very thankful!!!
You will get everything done for Christmas and it will be so very special.
Thinking of you today and picturing you Dancing!!
Much love,
Your unmet friend

Anonymous said...

Hi Ang: Remember that old song Doris Day used to sing? Ke Sera, whatever will be will be, the future's not ours to see, whatever will be will be. There is another way they have of saying the same thing: Kismet or Fate. If you think about it too much you will go all funny in the head, we have enough old people like me already like that, don't worry, Ke Sera Sera, whatever will be will be....
love pat&mag

Daria said...

Your post gave me shivers ... live in the moment ... live in the moment ... I must live in the moment.

Anonymous said...

I'm raising a glass of egg nog to you, my treasured friend, and wishing I could be there dancing with you. Much love to you & your family this Christmas.

Anonymous said...

I ran across an old e-mail from you (when you were leaving Childhaven) and decided to check out your blog - Janet told me about it awhile ago and I've been checking on you from time to time. Your last post left me thinking: was that your Aunt Donna who was there? (I know she used to remind you of me!) Anyway, I recently lost a friend to cancer, one whom I had lost touch with and had only just become reaquainted the week she passed. I vowed to not let opportunities pass to get in touch with old friends to just say "hey" and to you, old friend, I'm so glad you are doing better. I will keep you in my prayers. Have a great holiday season and just revel in the wellness - no guilt! Take care my friend - Gloria (Riggers)

Norma said...


Te acuerdas de mi?? Te he buscado por el facebook y por eso he dado con tu blog.
No te escribo en Ingles porque la verdad ya se me ha olvidado mucho.

Siento mucho, mucho esto que estas pasando, a sido una noticia muy fuerte y yo espero de todo corazón que pronto salgas de esto, yo tengo fe que asi sera.

Un abrazo muy fuerte
De: Norma Ruiz