And the treatment is Cyberknife!

Yeah - I don't have to do chemo - YEAH! I will fill you in more when I do. My oncologist say that the cyberknife guys were "salivating" over wanting to treat me - so, hey, what is a girl to do!?!?!?! I meet with them on Wednesday the 5th....more to come.....Happy weekend, Ang

Wyoming Wedding Weekend

The last time I posted, I didn't mention that I was getting on a plane the next day to go to Sheridan, Wyoming for a wedding. I know - Sheridan - where the heck is Sheridan?!?!?! Get a map - no one just knows where that is unless you are from there. One of my college roommates is from there and lives there now. I have never had a reason to go there, pass through, etc. but a wedding is a pretty important event, so I thought, "Now, is the time." So, off I went with another college girlfriend. I didn't have much time to process or change gears, so I told my friends that we were NOT talking about it and definitely NOT telling the bride. It was HER weekend. We flew to Billings and drove down to Sheridan blowing into town just in time for a shower for Lisa (the bride) which was GREAT timing. I met so many people that I had heard about, but never seen. I saw her Mom who I hadn't seen in 20 years and finally met her "puppy", 92 pound Otis. We laughed, told stories, ate and had a really good time. All Lisa could say was, "This is so weird being on this side of stuff." Meaning she ain't never been the Bride. Lisa has such positive energy; a full of life sort of person. Nothing really ever gets her down and, quite frankly, even if it does, she processes through it so quickly with such perspective you hardly notice her doing it. The next day we decorated for the rehearsal dinner which was a Luau (something I always think of when I think of Wyoming). It was 15 miles out of town in the thriving metropolis of Story, WY population 848 which was more than Banner which had 40 people. I was fine until the first drive out there. See, driving in Wyoming is like driving through an animal refuge 24/7. We had to stop to let a flock of turkey cross the road and there were several deer, raccoons, and other unable to identify carcasses on the side of the road. I was fine until someone hit a deer on the way to rehearsal dinner. Some of you may remember that Grant and I have a problem with skidding through herds of deer in Montana (totalling a vehicle), hitting dear in Eastern Washington and even catapulting a deer on the way back from Anacortes, WA (totalling another vehicle!). After that, I was on high alert and followed any car, going any speed, as long as they had a bull bar. My poor girlfriend, Michelle, who was with me, just rolled her eyes. Saturday we went out to a Eaton's Dude Ranch (oldest in the States), for a "FUN RUN" that by description didn't sound like fun. Michelle got out of running because we were late. Apparently, when getting directions you have to ask what the definition of a "T" in the road is because, Hand to GOD, that was a "Y". Also, the term, "where the road ends" can mean when it changes to a different Highway number, NOT from concrete to gravel. I had a tough time with North too because, I couldn't tell where the sun came up. The sky all looked the same. No mountains or water for reference - they were all mountains and no water!!! Next time, I am buying the GPS and renting a car with a BULL BAR! We then "ran" back to get ready and out for the wedding. This unfortunately is when I had my episode (bowel). I got through the wedding which was in the woods (but luckily facilities were near by), but I was driven home, tucked into bed and left to rest until I got it together before the reception. I didn't miss anything, just realized that I probably did too much and my colon can't do all that. Imagine me being me and draggin my colon along - quite a picture right? The reception was in barn - cleanest barn I had ever seen - with the "Dawg" house next door with the Nebraska/Wyoming game on. We lit sky lanterns into the sky (during a burn ban) and everyone was asking me if this was legal. I was like, "Yes, but if it isn't, we are doing it anyway, so ENJOY!" The band was all country, and I am surprised at how many of the songs I knew! We ended the night helping Otis, yep, the dog, get home and spent the morning with Lisa's family for breakfast. Wow, they can make breakfast! I stuffed my bag full of all the boy treasures of Cowboy Country - Pop Pistols, real cowboy rope, and a real dude ranch horse shoe and back to Billings we went. They put my bag through the x-ray machine - can you imagine what that looked like???? Guns, rope and a big metal dirty horse shoe. No wonder it went through twice! I am surprised I didn't have to open it. Like Michelle says, "I don't feel any safer with them." When I got home, the boys asked if they were now real cowboys now and I say, "For sure! You got the rope!" I have been roped, lassoed, and tied. I had a very nice evening and then it started to sink in......emails were returned and I learned that Hank spoke with Grant on Friday night (who decided not to tell me until this morning - good man), that my lung surgeon says surgery is not the best option because the my spots are so small. Now, we are onto radiation oncology for cyperknife...and again, I am one step closer to chemo. I cried because I don't want to be one step closer to chemo and I think back to the weekend where I was making plans to go back to Wyoming with my boys for camping, fishing, dude ranching, and ATV fun not ever believing that I would not be there. It is nice to think that way sometimes....if only for a moment. Love, Ang

Good news is that

I found my dill weed. Bad news is that I didn't get a clean scan. I have three small spots in my left lung that are not showing up on the PET scan, but are showing up on the CT which is a bit mysterious. I meet with my oncolgist next Thursday to discuss options. My cancer is back. I got six weeks off. More when I know it. I am numb. Love, Ang

Scan tomorrow

Nothing is "wrong", but this is my final clearance scan. I was supposed to do it right after my last treatment, but that was August and, remember, I took August off. So, when I called on August 30th to schedule, I could not get in until tomorrow, the 20th. Clearly, I have hit the "B" priority list. Sometimes that is a GOOD thing. Here is the problem.....you think you are handling everything so well, you are confident that you will have a clean scan, you have it all together, you are back and, then, like in my case, you can't find the dried dill weed that you JUST bought at the grocery store and you loose it. My cousin's son is dead, my chemo friend is BACK in chemo, I have another friend that is having major issues right now, and then, I have a scan and will I, once again, be a suck on the side of the earth? Yeah...I was a hot mess. Poor Grant didn't see it coming and I think really thought it was about dill weed. My evening ended reading to Nolan in bed and falling asleep with him. Man that kid moves a lot! I am better today, probably because I had no sleep and I haven't eaten a carb all day for prep, so I don't have the energy to be a hot mess. I will be okay either way - I am just scared. It is like PTSD....and it stinks! Love, Ang

I just got home from the second of

three funerals that my cousin and her family have to attend. She and I are cousins by marriage, so we have no blood relation, but we have known each other for something like 28 years. We were born days from one another and both are Geminis. We have a lot in common, and as with my blood relation girl cousin, she is stunning, perfectly thin, and I pale in both of their shadows. (I come from good stock, but my Dad screwed me up!) But, like both of these cousins, they are some of my greatest fans, and love me genuinely. I was at my Aunt's house for canning peaches and pears last weekend. I got there on Friday and that is when they found my cousin's eldest son. He had died under a tree as a result of a motorcycle accident. 22 years old. Navy Man. I comforted my Aunt and Uncle. I offered my help, but really all I could do is can peaches - they weren't getting any greener and my Aunt was busy. So, I did. They went to her side. I didn't feel it was appropriate for me to go so soon. I took care of the dog, made my Uncle a sandwich, and I didn't cry. I was busy....and numb. Young, healthy, just coming into his own, and poof, he is gone. I really didn't cry until I came home and saw Grant. A horrible accident. One could blame the bike, one could blame the road, but really there is nothing to blame. It is just a horrible accident and, unfortunately, the horrible accident happen to him. I saw her at the service at Mt. Tahoma National Cemetery. I didn't feel like I should interrupt her - there was so much family. So, I didn't and it wasn't until she was in the car to leave that she glanced up and saw me. She pointed directly to me and said, "You. I want to see you." She asked that I attend the gathering afterward, and, of course, I said, "If you want me there, I will." "I do." "Okay." I love her. I really do. I know that I am only the step, but we are family. At the reception, we shared words that only moms and family can share. We cried and we laughed and I was so proud of the strength and the grace that she had for all this. I pray for her to get through this, but how do you do that? How? So, as I came home with one of the bouquets because they didn't have enough space in the family's car, I initially wanted to give them to someone...anyone....but when I tried, I couldn't and for a brief moment, I felt peace. He was still here, in the flowers, in the air, comforting his Mom, Dad, and Sister. Keep the flowers and smile....... Love, Ang P.S. For those of my sick friends (which accounts for most of them), yes, my house is sparkling clean, I have canned pears, pickles, dilly beans, and called family friends for the recipes and how the canned the soup they brought me when I was sick. IT IS HOW I MOURN!!!! Logical? No. Productive? EXTREMELY!

Labor Day Weekend

Last weekend, I ate a peach and the juice smooshed out the sides of my mouth, I cuddled with the kids in the morning with, of course, the smell behind the ears, I got bruised by my son, I ate three meals without substituting one with liquid shake, I ran through the sprinkler, I cleaned up the garage, I visited with neighbors, and I painted the mail kiosk in our neighborhood. As my neighbor says, "A healthy Angie is a busy Angie." It was Labor Day Weekend after all! Love, Ang

The transition has been okay for me

but it is interesting. I am, finally, for the first time, seeing it from other people's point of view. Example one, Grant does not want to leave me or me and the kids alone. WEIRD. This was not part of our relationship and now I realize that I have "commanded" that he go away to escape me. Apparently, if I do not "command" it, he feels guiltly. This was NOT that way before cancer. Second, the vacuum cleaner seems lighter every time I use it. Third, I am not winded every time I go up the stairs. Forth, apparently, I cannot travel by car, plane, etc. by myself, or at night with or without children. It is weird also. I don't mind being babied when I feel sick. In fact, I wanted my Mommy back when she was in Las Vegas and not able to take care of me, but when I am not in treatment, I am like, "What is the big deal?" Clearly, I have made the transition to remission faster than others. Yes, I know that I can't do anything to aggrivate my heart for six months. Yes, I know that I am still considered fragile because of my immune system and the beating I took for the last 13 months. But I feel great and yes, I still have issues, but if I manage it I am fine (most of the time). It did catch up with me - staying up late, watching movies with friends, parties (at home shopping parties), life, but I am doing well, but I do know that I have changed. My memory is not what it used to be. My passport expired and I didn't know it. It prevented me from going on a very important trip. I have a contractor do some work for me that, get this, was already done. Clearly, I am not all there. My boss still thinks I am amazing and I don't know how much longer I can trick her. I am working for Grant now, and I am now concerned that my work is subpar, but I am alive and I will get better. I will travel by car BY MYSELF someday. Heck, Mom and I were talking about how Nolan is going into kindergarten next year and how I didn't know if I was going to make it to his first birthday. I guess I just took my vacation VERY seriously - the color is back in my lips, the pink is coming back to my cheeks. I know that the end of my vacation is coming, but I am not focusing on that. In fact, I am ignoring it. This is my time, with my boys, with my guy, and becoming conscious again of how really good I have it. Happy Tuesday, Ang

I haven't even thought about it.....

and then Grant and I were talking the other day and I said, "I have prepared all our meals for a week." and Grant replied, "How does that feel?". I opened my mouth to respond, but no words came out. I had so much to say.....happy, useful, content.......so I closed my mouth and my eyes filled with tears. Grant took my hand and with the boys playing in the back yard and the evening sun coming through the windows, we sat there, holding hands, thankful for the moment, letting the tears slowly melt away. Happy Friday, Ang

Yep, that is right I am DONE!

The last round was a bit hard because mentally I was done SOOOOOO long ago, but I got through it. Hank said, "Have a great month off." The nurses and pharmacy gave me a card and sparkling cider....it was really sweet, but the real hero in all of this was the nurse that got me through the last 90 mins of treatment. Some people have told me that I am the toughest broad they have ever met. They never met Jen. Simply put, she is one of my heroes. The recovery has been weird. It is like I am being fired from a job I didn't want. I am exhausted emotionally and physically, but my brain is thinking of all the things I get to do now, but my body is saying, "Not yet. Not YET. ARE YOU LISTENING!?!?!?!?" I should do more yoga. Anyway, I am on my way to having a great August, but here is the story that I promised.....Nolan and the Chef Basket.... Okay, so we don't do commercials. We Tivo (DVR) or we have DVDs and most of what we Tivo is on PBS which doesn't have "commercials". However, there is this ONE show that my boys love. It is the Magic School Bus which is on a channel with traditional commercials. So, one day, Nolan calls to me while they are watching and says, "Mommy! Mommy! You have do see this!" So, I go into the living room, Nolan rewinds the program and starts telling me about the "Amazing Chef Basket" and how we don't need pot holders, we can put it in a small drawer, we can replace three or four "bulky" kitchen items and can do the job of several things.....deep fryer, colander, strainer, etc. "From pot to plate!" he exclaims only to be followed with the Amazing Chef Knife that can cut through nails..........the kid was a walking infomercial. "Can we get one????" he pleads. I said, "Nolan, I don't like buying things off the TV, so I will look and I will try and get a better price, etc." "Okay!" he says gleefully. For three weeks he comes to me and asks, "Do we have a Chef Basket yet?" I say no, but I am looking. We look on the Internet together and I am am just REALLY HOPING THIS WILL PASS. So, one day Mason, Nolan, and I go to Walmart. Now, I go to Walmart about twice a year, not because I hate them or they are evil, they are just not convenient for me and I always seem to be there with the screaming children and the guy that is saying, "Yeah, I got it (tattoo) when I was drunk and it even hurt then...." So, I don't look for opportunities for my kids to go to Walmart. I did it on Black Friday one year at 5:00am and that took way more years off my life than cancer. Anyhoo, we enter Walmart, get the few items that I need, pass the guy with the tattoo, and are JUST about at the check out and this blood curdling scream comes from one of my children, "MOMMY!!!!!" Everyone stops, including tattoo guy, and looks at my youngest. Nolan, with pure excitement and elation screams, "THEY HAVE CHEF BASKETS!" The lady behind me says, "I think you'd be gettin' a Chef Basket today." "Yep, I reckon I will be." I reply. When in Rome..... So, we buy the Chef Basket and in truth the thing is a piece of CRAP. It doesn't hold the pasta like the commercial, it is NOT pot to plate, it barley stands up as a colander, and I paid the highest price I had seen (S&H not included). But ever time it fails, Nolan pulls out the instruction which he cannot read, points to the pictures, and tells me that I am doing it wrong. "Okay, Sharon. I am dumber than the 'As Seen On TV' product!!" WHATEVER. The battle continues, I am sure he will ultimately win and I will have a useless Chef Basket in my cupboard WITH MY COLANDER, STRAINER, AND DEEP FRYER. Love, Ang :)

Dazed and confused and thankful

Okay, well, it has been a long time since my last post. There are reasons, but not good ones. Part of me was busy. Part of me was done already. Part of me was struggling with how hard the last round was and it was/is a mental game to think about going back on Tuesday......BUT........then I remember how I will be done. DONE. Every week will be a "good" week. I will cook again, I will be able to track and read books again, I will not schedule illness, pack up my boys every other week, I will be able to teach my organizational course that I was asked to do last fall this fall. That is where the dazed part comes in....it is really happening.....my oncologist granted my request of August off - meaning NO APPTS THROUGH LABOR DAY. No appointments. I have never, in all the four plus years of this madness, been granted no appointments for a month. One more. Tuesday. Unhook Thursday. One more. So, here is the update. Chemo last time SUCKED. My numbers went up and my oncologist hit me as hard. He plays hard ball EVERY TIME, NO EXCEPTIONS. I knew when I saw my numbers. But let's not dwell on that. Let's talk about this week. It was really good. In fact, I just got home from a 40th birthday party. I laughed so hard I cried. The stories were awesome, the people genuine, the food amazing and I could even drink the wine. I think that is was jolted me into writing tonight. Here comes the confused part....we were a normal family today. We had no doctors appointment today. I mended, ironed, and chatted with the neighbors. I went to the store for spray paint, of course, and they were out of my color, but I had the energy to go to another store. I picked up the kids from daycare, fed them (meal delivered, so I can't take credit for that), bathed them, got ready, got the babysitter settled (Grant is on a golf overnight and, get this, I had to make him go. He was like, "I don't want to abandon you on such short notice." I looked at him and said, "Abandon? Is that what you call the last four years???"), went to the party, came home, paid the baby sitter, got ready for bed and, then, turned on the computer. And now thankful......I am thankful for everything - meals, my house, housecleaning, my family, the party tonight, my friends, my insurance, my docs, spray paint, even billing departments and chemo. For example, tomorrow I am picking up 16 meals with the money that was donated to me for filling my freezer with meals. Holy cow! What a blessing! I am convinced that I didn't get back to normal alone, how could I?!!? But I am so thankful to be back (almost) to normal and I have a frickin' awesome life. How did I get so lucky? I don't know - but I am sure glad I drew that card instead of just the rectal cancer card!!!!! Okay, so now, off to bed....I am a single parent tomorrow, but if I have time I will blog and the title will be, "Nolan and his Chef Basket". Never thought I would put those words together! Nighty night. Love, Ang