Back in the Rabbit Hole

When I was very, very little my Mom read to me the full version of Alice in Wonderland. I don't remember much of the book other than thinking to myself something like, "This is very strange and I am not sure it is age appropriate." But that was the kinda kid I was - my poor parents. What I do remember was curling up under the blanket to read it. I remember the smell of my Mom and how warm she was. So, as I curled up next to Nolan last night, he had Alice in Wonderland - the short version. He was at the rabbit hole part (no he can't read, but he is REALLY good and looking at pictures) and finally I was inspired to come back to my reality. Odd that is was from Alice in Wonderland, so grab your blanket (or coffee) this could be a long one. In my last post, I talked about being normal and enjoying my break which ended on the 18th. My break was FABULOUS. I mean F-A-B-U-L-O-U-S. My house was running like a fine tune machine, and I did too much and I got tired and when the rear view mirror of the truck fell off for the last time, the LCD stopped working on the stereo (so you have NO IDEA what you are listening to), the light went out of the tachometer (which it is very questionable on why one would use a tachometer on an automatic transmission truck), and the door to the laundry room broke (again), I was done and luckily went to Maui the next day. Grant and I slept and ate our way through the island. Maui was great - 86 and sunny EVERYDAY. We drank Mai Tai's by the pool, snorkeled with turtles, played, talked, and did very little work. We got into one fight, but that was over ice cream, so really how bad could life be? I was free of the burden of everyday life and, quite frankly, my life. My anxiety was pretty much gone. Grant had it now because of snorkeling - he gets nervous in the water. In one bay, this Nature Conservationist gave us a lecture before we went in the water about where to go, don't use sunscreen, and how VERY HARD IT WAS TO GET TO WHAT TO SEE. I was like (in my head), "Dude, SHUT UP!" and formulating my discussion with Grant silently. Grant looked at me with his "look" and I said, "The white boat isn't that far. It is a calm bay - look at it. The sunscreen we use doesn't have the ingredient that is bleaching coral. (I am married to an Environmental Engineer. I actually do proactively do this stuff.) And look out there , see the 80 year old with the noodle underneath him? He is out there, so you can too." Grant nodded, we went, and he did great. In fact, he was so fired up, he was researching sunscreen for the next four hours, he found a "turtle beach" that we went to the next day that was ROUGH and I was thinking, "And you were nervous about yesterday????" He is a complicated man sometimes. Anyhoo....I had my moments that I remembered the clock was ticking. We got through them. We got home, went to the T-ball Jamboree, visited with family, and got ready for the 18th. Monday morning went well. I drove in with Elaine and we were laughing, I got out of the car and went in the first doors, went through the second doors and stopped. Angie, who works at the front, saw me. I must have given her the Grant "look". Gently, she hugged me and I told her I was back for chemo and she said, "Okay sweetie, I will be thinking of you." Up the stairs, check in, labs, game face, nurses, waiting for the doc, doc comes in, we start discussing what we are going to do, he turns to the computer with me a little behind him and the list of my meds and pre meds pops up on the screen. It fills the entire screen. He almost merrily goes down the list, murmuring about my labs and less of this and my counts are still a little down, but okay, and then he turns to me and says, "Okay!" and then "okay......." I was silent, and the tears were streaming down my face, he is looking for the Kleenex box and I say, "I am okay. I am just mourning my break. I was a really good one." He responds, "You needed a good break." I wipe the tears away and go upstairs to treatment. Treatment went well, I had to listen to the iPod, I shook just a little, I was doing pretty well, and then they gave me a new pump. An automatic pump. I told the nurse that I wasn't sure I could do that - the change threw me, but after a call to the doc and some time with it, I put it on. It was much quieter than other auto pumps but there is no hiding this thing. Can I look any sicker? You get it with a fanny pack or shoulder strap - fabulous. I took both and in the end it was fine. What was nice was that you know EXACTLY when it is done. That is pretty cool, but at night you can hear it dispense and that is really uncool. On unhook day, I was a mess. Karissa was making me laugh, but it was hard. The nurse made me go see my oncologist and, as I sat there, I started to cry again.......my oncologist walked in and said, "How goes the fight?" I was blurted out, "My Mom thinks it is hormonal!" (I was taken off my hormone replacement after surgery because of where I put the hormones. Yeah, up there, so I have had no hormones for a month. Now, for those of you that are scared of the hormone replacement, really, step back, think about my situation, and remember it is not a very big fish. Kinda like when I was in Maui eating TONS of Ahi and thinking, "Radiation? Who cares? I glow REGULARLY!") My oncologist turns and says, "Hey, your Mom may just be right this time!" (My Mom asks him questions regularly that he shoots down in a very nice way.) So, down to the pharmacy for hormones. Karissa and I wait. The CHILD behind the counter says, "Do you come here regularly because I can't find your insurance information." Okay, remember, I JUST got done with chemo, mentally I am DOWN the rabbit hole, I want to cry AGAIN, I am feeling guilty for all the people that take care of me, and I say, "Yes, I do and you should have it." "Are you sure????" she replies. And seriously, if Karissa wasn't there I probably would have said, "OMG this is the CANCER Pharmacy???? I DON'T HAVE CANCER!!! WHAT WAS I THINKING?!?!?!? SORRY TO BOTHER YOU." But I didn't. She then said, "Oh....there you are....I still don't have your insurance info.....looks like we have you a discount on your last Rx." I said, "That is interesting because I came in two weeks ago for a $3,700 monthly Rx that I got for $12. That is quite a discount." I gave her the card and she got my Rx without sharing anymore. I got home, I took my pills, cried, saw Mason, cried, talked to Grant, cried...you get the picture. In fact, I cried so much that Mason wrote about it in his story at school the next day right after the sentence, "I was so excited to see my Mom and Dad." What do you think that made me do??? YOU GOT IT!!! And with a thud and a large puff of dust, I hit the bottom of the rabbit hole...making myself eat anything, crying, voices in my head of me apologizing to my Mom for having to spend her retirement taking care of my kids and her saying, "Angie, what would you do if one of the boys was sick?", looking at the rear view mirror on the floor of the passenger side of the car, not being able to close the laundry room door, and exhale......letting myself feel the bottom again and grabbing onto the memories of my break when I could taste food like the first really good piece of fruit from summer when the fruit juices spill out of your mouth, down your hand, onto ground as you jump away from it. LONG PAUSE. As I wake up out of this fog, I check myself (I know - you are like, "FINALLY!"). I realize that in my rabbit hole I have a lot of ropes coming down on me - doctors, friends, food, help calendars, prayers, breaks, and family. Up we go again...... Forever thankful love, Ang

Last Weekend

Last Saturday, I looked at Grant the way that I look at my kids. You know how you can look at your kids and you know if they are hungry, tired, or sick? Well, that is what I did to Grant. He was exhausted. The guy has a bit goin' on. Let's see - he has a company with his buddy, they have the great problem of having a lot of work, he is Mason's T-ball coach, and he is the husband of a cancer patient (that is me JUST in case you didn't remember). Here is the good part about....but first, dial back a couple months with me.....past my disappointment about my margins.........past my guilt for not being strong enough to do regular chemo and doing chemo light.....past my disappointment that I am not DONE yet.....January.....blot clots in my lungs....blood thinners.....we continued were monitoring my butt and doing chemo for the last bit in my lungs. Then, the allergic reaction, chemo light, the clear lung scan but growth in my butt....pneumonia in my lungs.....pleurisy......more growth in my butt.....docs change focus from lungs to butt. Butt operated on, butt "cured". Docs lose interest in my butt, refocus to my lungs. Remember, I need two clear scans to be excused from treatment. So, while I continue to heal from my surgery which is going quite well actually, I get a break from it all AND the weird part is back in December I booked a trip to Maui for this month. I asked permission from my oncologist and he said, "I can work around that." All I have talked about is Maui with Grant. So, while my oncologist was refocusing on my lungs, I was making sure he remembered my trip with Grant WITHOUT kids and "healthy". So, a couple weeks ago we are talking and I say, "Okay, so I assume we are going back to chemo to finish up the lungs (and now it can't hurt whatever remains in my butt)." He replies, "Yes, if the transanal works, we can start chemo on the 18th, (Note: That is after I come home from Maui - well done!) if not, the 25th. I love it when he remembers my vacation schedule! I will be back on full blown chemo with the pump for two days, but my premeds will be reworked so that I don't have another allergic reaction. Also, I am not allowed to do chemo is my oncologist is out, on vacation, etc. He wants to be in the building when I am doing this because of what happened in January. When I stopped by his office after my filter removal surgery, I said, "Okay, remember, I am now on a 2+ week vacation to "heal" and I will start chemo on the 18th." He said, "But what will I do without you?!?!?! I am going to miss you." I gave him two gluten free chocolate chip cookies and said, "Here, these should help, but I gotta say, I ain't gonna miss you even though I am fond of you." (smile) Hug. BYE BYE! Okay, back to last weekend. I haven't had any procedure since Thursday the 31st of March and I am not scheduled for anything until the 18th. Because I have been off chemo, my energy is coming back. I got over a cold by MYSELF - no drugs. I have gone to PTA meetings, Kent School District Budget meetings, bookclub, etc. But last Saturday, my Grant needed me. There is a switch. So, I gave him the weekend off. I took the kids on work errands and a family event on Saturday, I took them on family errands on Sunday, I covered for Grant to nap and rest. By the end of the weekend, he felt a lot better and I felt, well, fine. I cooked a turkey (I wasn't kidding when I said I needed to clean out the freezer!). The house smelled of my cooking, the car never got cool because we were buzzing around, I started looking forward to Mason's spring break from school because we could go to the zoo and the Pacific Science Center and I wasn't scared to do it by MYSELF. No anti anxiety pills. No worries. No, well, complicating factors that a terminal illness brings. At the end of the weekend, I asked Grant how he felt and he said, "Guilty." I kissed his head and replied, "I don't want you to feel guilty. I want you to feel better. Just think - this is what it is like for normal folks." Realizing, we both have NO idea what the term 'normal folks' means anymore, we kinda went, "Uh." So, am I past my disappointment of my margins? Yes and you want to know why? Because I got last weekend, I have this week with my boys, I got pajama day today, and I get Maui with Grant. Translation - I got NOW. The 18th will come soon enough, so for the next little while I am going to try and take a break from my condition. T-ball has started, Grant and I are going to Maui for four nights, etc. The freezer is getting cleaned out, and I am packing it back up with easy things during my next go around. Life normal - as long as I can have it. Until the 18th then........Love, Ang

News.....good and bad

I have been healing nicely. I am home with the kids, going to PTA meetings, Kent School district budget meetings, working a little, and sleeping HARD at night. Yes, I am probably doing more than I should, but I am staying in my restrictions and to do less would just not be me. Last night, I got the call on my pathology of my tumor. All margins were great except one. My oncologist had already called the surgeon to see what he thought. The good news is that the surgeon is optimistic that this will not be a problem but that we should watch it "just on case". The leash/noose around my neck just got a little tighter. Will I ever be DONE with this? So, it is medium news. Am I happy? Not really. Clearly, I wanted different news. I am also a little wary of these things. My tumor was not supposed to come back after the first round of chemo and radiation. It did. We thought we got it all out of my lungs after bilateral lung surgery, but it came back. And now I am supposed hope that this doesn't turn into something. You have to excuse my doubt, but there are only so many times you can be optimistic and be shot down. I did clarify what would happen if it does come back. If it does, I will have a colostomy. It is possible that it would be temporary and that the area could be reconstructed. Pause....what a frickin' process....sigh....breathe. But all that is for another day. "Keep your eye on the prize, Ang" I tell myself as I crawl into bed with Nolan just to watch him sleep. "Keep your eye on the prize." To see Nolan's next birthday, hell to see his 16th birthday! As my first colorectal surgeon said, "Ang, you will not die from this in you bum. We can fix that. It will be, and our focus has to be on, your lungs." Refocus. Readjust. Feel the leash that I doubt (at least for today) I will never shake and keep going. Big breath. Tomorrow they take the filter the put in my vein for surgery out. Minor surgery, but still surgery. I asked if we should just keep it in and the response was a long list of reasons but the one I liked was, "in some cases it can dislodge and go straight to you heart and kill you...". Okay - see you Thursday then! Why didn't they start with that one???? I will be okay. Thank you for all the calls, emails, thoughts, and prayers. If I did not get back to you, it wasn't because I didn't want to. Thank you. Oh, they are up gotta go! Love, Ang

No complications....

We were in the 80%. Pathology comes in five days. Really loopy. Love, Ang

Thank you and I am so grateful for you....

This post is to say thank you for all the emails, phone calls, text messages, posts, etc. Many of you want to know how you can help and, well, the best thing right now is to pray, cross your fingers, do whatever you personally do, tomorrow at 11:30. I am praying that all goes well and that my surgeon is able to perform the surgery without complication. Many people have asked about the help calendar. This is always a little difficult for you because I feel that I have received so much for all of you - but if I don't respond, some of you will hunt me down and make me. Yeah, you know who you are!!!! I have decided to take a break from the food calendar until after April 15th as I am off of chemo and can do more cooking. Plus, I think there are some mystery things in my freezer we need to eat anyway. If you would like to sign up for the new food calendar, please let Sarah know. She can be reached at sarah_09@comcast.net. The kids are taken care of by my folks during this surgery, so they are covered. Lastly, Sarah mentioned to me that she would like to put together some Dinner's Ready meals for me. Dinner's Ready is a meal program where they put together meals and deliver them to your house for your freezer. I have used them in the past and they have also been gifted to me. They are tremendously convenient and well received. If you would like to contribute to that, contact Sarah. (I have a really tough time asking for this because money is involved, but I have been assured that people have previously mentioned this and I should just put a cork in it.) As for that, I am doing very well. Insurance is pre authorized, paperwork filled out, prep started, PTA meeting over, and the boys packed. It is sweet how they pack up, choose their PJs, and just get ready like this is NO BIG DEAL. I am very lucky and, tremendously thankful, for all of you. Love, Ang

My vacation from myself

This is the morning after my scrapbooking weekend. I had a wonderful time. I didn't get as much done as I wanted, but I did take time to go for walks, talk so much I have almost lost my voice, hot tub, etc. How this came about was, a friend (Bethany, who has said she never wanted to be on my blog - hehe) asked me to go on her scrapbook weekend with her group. In the scrapbooking world, this makes me a guest - not a regular. I knew only one other person and, while I have always admired and liked her, my connection with her is with Bethany. In all actuality, I really did not know if I was going to make this trip. Between surgery, chemo, and everything else that goes with the cancer roller coaster, I RSVPed a very firm MAYBE. But alas, I was able to go. On Thursday morning, I remember looking at the mountains from my car saying, "I am going THERE." Eastern Washington has always been a source of relaxation, family, and growth for me. I grew up camping and fishing there. My Aunt's cabin is there. We have extended family there and we also have connections that are as closer than family. In addition, I went to Gonzaga University in Spokane which really sealed the deal for me. When Bethany picked me up on Friday, I literally exhaled when I got in the car. We were on our way, then we then jumped into another car, and took off for the "other side". The weather got better and the passes were clear. We rolled into town, got some lunch, and checked into the bed and breakfast. It was on the hillside, with a view of the valley. The accommodations were very comfortable and the set up was great. Each person had there own six foot table which is lots of room to spread out with a view outside. The food was AMAZING. All our meals were included and I could eat it all, yeah!! While working, we chatted about girl stuff, getting kids into schools of their choice, coming of age, following our dreams in the next chapter of life, and asking advice from other women that worked in those fields. Only a few of the women knew I had cancer. The three I rode over with let me comment on it. They responded, they didn't shy away from it, but they (and this is the important part) did not dwell on it. There was no TV and I don't have a smart phone, so no Internet. I stayed up until midnight both nights - INCONCEIVABLE FOR ME. I disconnect so much from my day to day life, I almost forgot to give myself my shots. On Sunday, I packed up and my Dad came to get me. We then went to a 85th birthday party of one of our "family" at 1:00. We took the back roads, so I saw new little towns I had never seen before. I saw people at the party that I hadn't seen in over five years. It was really touching and special to spend time with them. Then, back in the car and back on I-90 where I saw for the first time the wind generators near Vantage. It was raining and foggy. They loomed in the distance, but they were, dare I say, beautiful. So, big and graceful. I was in awe just from their size. It was amazing. I got home in time to meet the boys at a hockey game for the last period and overtime. Home, quick bath, and then to bed. Grant asked me about the weekend and I told him how much fun it was, how much I disconnected, and how I would go back if an opening comes up again. And then it happened.......as I was getting ready for bed, it seemed like the weight of my cancer/life was starting to rest on my shoulders, go down my spine, into my legs. The weight was back and what is funny is that I have never felt it so physically before this moment. The preop paperwork I had to fill out, the nurse I have to call on Monday, when do I stop my blood thinners?, the ads and coupons in the Sunday paper, the COBRA insurance payment I have to make, Mason's Teacher Conference, picking up Grace so that she can babysit during the conference, getting the frig ready for when I go to surgery, dinner - oh, Thank God, dinner is coming tomorrow...the list goes on. I didn't sleep well waking up every two hours with something else to remember to do. LIFE. CANCER. LIFE. Some may ask, "Was it worth it to leave?" Oh yes, because now I know what I could feel like when I beat this for good. So, for now back to bed to cuddle with the boys before we start the day, smell behind their ears and kiss them a million times. I will get to all of it. Just one thing at a time. Surgery is Wednesday at 11:30 and, if all goes well, I will be home by 6:00pm. Love, Ang

Set in motion....

I apologize for not posting until now. This has been a VERY long three days and I have been emotionally exhausted for a lot of it. So, here is the update...on Sunday night, I emailed my oncologist and told him that Grant and I decided to go for it, do the surgery trananally, and focus on the 80% with no complications. I received an almost immediate positive response with an "!" in it. He NEVER does that. I take it as a good sign. :) Monday morning, I left a message for my surgeon with the scheduler and said, "I am so sorry that you have to take these kind of messages, but make sure you underline and emphasize the 80% part, kay?" "Absolutely, Angie." Monday, midday, I received a call back to tell me that my surgery is going to be the 23rd of March. I was like, "Okay, he said "soon". Is that soon?" Apparently, it is. She gave me all my instructions over the phone....packet to be sent....filter to be place....no food or water day of. "Okay?" "Okay." Here we go again with "okay". Funny thing...I still had an appointment set for chemo, so I decided to cancel the chemo part, but keep my appointment with my oncologist realizing that I have not really gone through all the tests result from the last week. Tuesday, I show up at 8:27 for an 8:20 appointment. No blood work is ordered and I go and sit down. I am called back at 9:50. Clearly, it is not a good day for them already. I sit down with my oncologist and we go through all the tests....CT scan shows no cancer, but my spleen and liver are showing mild stress...onto the liver ultrasound....liver is sluggish, but everything is going in the right direction....spleen is backing up because of sluggish liver. Why? Because of chemo. Can I do anything to make it better? Nope. Will it ever get better? Probably not. This is the down side of prolonged chemotherapy. Will this ever be a problem? Don't know. Well, this is just a ray of sunshine. Let's switch subjects! Onto the the PET scan....spot locations are still there in my lungs, but they are not glowing with cancer, so after I have my butt operation and healing from it, I will be back in chemo. No light chemo anymore. That is off the table since my butt tumor started growing again. I am not sure for how long, but if the past is any indicator at LEAST four treatments. So, the bad news is I will be hitting a YEAR of treatment - my longest yet without being in remission. The good news is for some strange unexplainable reason, my surgery was scheduled after a weekend away with my girlfriend for scrapbooking (this weekend), and before, but at the end of my healing process on my butt, Maui. Maui will be the first trip Grant and I are going ALONE on for more than two nights for non-medical reasons while I am feeling WELL since Mason was born - YES MASON, not Nolan. There are a couple other things coming up too and with careful planning I may just get all those of GOOD weekends. So, I will focus on the 80%, keep all my plans in place for now, and keep on movin'. Thank you for all your prayers and thoughts - they make a difference! Love, Ang

Okay, this is too hilarious!!!

This was given to me by Lisa - my talented poet for colorectal cancer and now photoshop expert! BRAVA!!!!

What a difference a day makes....

So, with glee in my heart I call my colorectal surgeon on Friday morning to see when I could get an appointment. 11:00? Okay! I was in Gig Harbor dropping off my taxes, but heck I could make it. So, off Grant and I went. I dropped him at work and up the hill to what I thought was going to be easy as pie. When will I learn. I was so happy about the lungs, and we were monitoring my butt so closely I never thought I would be faced with the following. It went something like this...."Angie, the tumor is growing and it is to the size that I may not be able to take it out like we discussed (through my anus) and get the margins I need. There is also a chance that in getting the margins I could poke a hole in your vagina and with all the radiation damage it may have trouble healing and they we would possibly have vagina leakage of stool." Really? He actually said, "vaginal leakage". And all I could think is, "I missed the window, I screwed this up with all my chemo fainting, and panic attacks." The tears fill up in my eyes and he looks for the Kleenex. There is none. The box is empty - so is my heart, my energy is gone, and I am done. What a difference a day makes. He says, "Angie, there is no right answer, but you have a choice to make. A full colostomy or we take the chance and see what happens. In any case, it needs to happen soon." "Okay." I reply defeated and looking down at the floor. "You know, I am not afraid of a colostomy, I just thought.....y'know, what you said to me a few months ago...." "I know....It was that way.....It is just that it is growing too fast...." "Okay, so you will talk to Hank?" "Yep and then I will call you." "Okay." I get dressed, check my face and my hair, and start to leave the office. I take a deep breath and he says on the way out, "I may not get to you until 6 of so tonight." Exhale and under my breath I said, "No, we are going to wrap this up by 3 if I have anything to say about it." I leave out the side exit, cross the street, up to Hank's office, see Anthony the Security Guard and, as I am blowing by, I say, "Anthony, what is wrong with this picture?" and quick as can be he says, "Angela, you ain't supposed to be here. You were supposed to take Friday off." "That is right, Anthony, you don't miss a thing do you?" "No, Angela, not with you." "Good man Anthony." Up the stairs, blow past check in, and straight back. I wait and chat with the nurse until Hank comes out of a room and I say, "YOU." with the eye to eye signal. "I just saw him and he needs to talk to you. And, I want to get this wrapped up. It is not good news and I just want it over." I know, I have some nerve to talk to him that way. My Mother did teach me right, but, y'know, sometimes a girl has just had it. He says, "Well, what did he say?" I told him and he said, "Okay, I will call and then I will call you." "Okay." "Okay." I turn to leave and he says, "Wait, come here." Hug, exhale. Wiping the tears away before I turn to go, I leave the office. It is quiet and I know they are all heavy with my dilemma. I just had to get out of there - too much sympathy and I will LOOSE IT. I get to the garage and my car and I am okay. Crap, I need gas. So, I go my Costco and my surgeon calls, "Angie, I talked to Hank." 1:15 - nice. "And?" "Well, he asked me odds and the odds are that there is a 20% chance that something will go wrong if we take it transanally (I know - NICE WORD)." So, that leaves 80% chance that it goes well. "So, what now?" "Well, I think he wants you to take the risk, but you have to make this decision. So, whatever you and he decide, you let me know and I will set it all in motion for next week." "Thank you - you know - for everything." "Okay you, try and enjoy your weekend." I am starving and I there is an Arby's (my dirty little secret) so, I get a small sandwich, tons of Arby's Sauce, and a Jamocha shake. I decide NOT to go into the restaurant just in case someone calls and I get to say, "vaginal leakage" and "colostomy" out loud on a cell phone. Pretty image, isn't it? So, I am parked in a sawdust supply place and I am happily eating my very saucy (sp) sandwich and this old man is carrying his lunch box and going into the building. He looks at me, frowns, and calls back to his other old man buddy and says something to the effect of, "Young people these days eating in their cars. It is disgusting." Little did he know he was inches from meeting Jesus himself. I felt like saying, "My window is DOWN old man and I can hear you even if you can't hear me - V-A-G-I-N-A-L L-E-A-K-A-G-E!!!!!!" But I didn't because my Mom did raise me better than that and in an odd way it reminded my of my Grandpa that I loved. He hated eating in the car. "You should stop and eat in a restaurant with REAL food, not this McDonald's business." So, I just smiled at him with sauce on my lip and sucked on my shake. 2:20 - Hank calls - right on time. He runs through the conversation that he had with my surgeon and ultimately says, "Now, I have to tell you, I am bias in this. I know I shouldn't be, but I am because I don't want a colostomy for you. So, you know my choice, but you need to make it not me." I respond with, "Well, I think I need to focus on the 80% chance of everything being just fine. I need the weekend and I need to talk to Grant about this, but I believe I will probably take the chance." "Okay." "Okay." I AM SICK OF SAYING "OKAY". Well, off to the rest of my day, cancer discussion wrapped up by 3 - right on time, check. I will think about this tomorrow. Love, Ang or Scarlet - because I pretty much acted like her ALL day. :)

Could this be true?????

So, I literally JUST got word about my PET scan and the reason I am up is because I have a family friend hanging in the balance of whether I see her tomorrow. She is visiting my Grandma for lunch and would like me to come to help so that we can get Grandma out of the center and, I know, to see me. We have fun together. She is a hoot. What a sport - I don't know how people put up with me, but then I have to put up with me.....anyway......I digress.......So, here is the news. The area in my bum, according to the scan seems to be bigger (bad), so I have to get into my colon rectal surgeon to have him "look" at it. GOOD TIMES. If it is, we need to take it out. I still have blood clots, but apparently they are "better". That means that they can now use a filter, or something like that, so we can do the surgery anyway. O-K-A-Y. Don't really get it, but don't really care - I am operable. But here is the news that we, my oncologist and I, were both like, "WOW, could this be real???" The scan report said that my left lung is clear. CLEAR. With tears INSTANTLY running down my face I said, "How can that be?" He said, "I am going to review this with the other docs and verify it, but yes, this very well could be true. This is good news." DAMN STRAIGHT it is good news. I am not so far gone not to know when I hear really really GOOD news, but I am baffled. How did the lungs disappear so fast from January when it was so frickin' persistent?!?!?! God, I so want this to be true. If it is true, I could be in day surgery next week and cancer free by Friday. This is quite the turn around from the beginning of this week and, "Oh, we need to check your liver...Oh, we need a PET now.....Liver is sluggish, but nothing bad will probably correct itself after you are done with chemo....me thinking, "Whenever that happens!".......PET/CT folks - "Hey, you are back!....Is that good?"....How are you??...Sick of scans and fasting....I am taking Friday off........or am I? Tomorrow (Friday) I call the colon rectal surgeon, if he can see me, I go. If not, I wait till next week. My oncologist will verify the scan and tell me on Tuesday before chemo and so the story goes - unpredictable, crazy, hopeful, scary. I wonder what is on the ceiling?!?!?! Love, Ang